December 14, 2005
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Critics
I want to take a minute to talk about critics. It appears in this world that there is no shortage of people who have dedicated their lives to expressing their input into the lives of others. I have always tried to be receptive to input. I feel the only way I can learn anything in life is to be responsive to the input of others. Sometimes that input can hurt. Sometimes that input doesn’t appear to be terribly helpful.
I have tried my best to respond to negative comments in a positive way. If someone leaves a negative comment, I try to respond in the best way I know how. Sometimes for me that has simply been not responding at all. I have worked in the last several years in jobs where there was a whole lot of feedback in my position. I have learned to ignore the passion in which an opinion is expressed and tried to just learn from the input itself.
I was working in my last job and someone was giving me a ton of negative feedback. I tried to listen to him and I tried to never express what I thought of him. I disagree if I think it is appropriate. I have learned that subtlety has served me well. But there have been times when I just wanted to let someone know exactly what I was thinking.
I have carried that mentality into xanga. If someone will give input, I try to learn from it. I ask myself if the input is true. I happened on a site one day and the person had written that my site was boring. This person had dedicated a whole post to the idea that I was boring. I instantly thought of a response. I wanted to tell him, “If I am so boring and you have written a whole post dedicated to my site, what does that make you?” But instead I just wrote a nice little comment and moved on.
I got an email the other day that I thought was discouraging. A person who shared some of my xanga friends had a little input to me. I just responded back nicely. It has kind of bothered me all day. I found out I got a huge raise yesterday. I was given excellent feedback. Then I opened the email and was discouraged. I almost shut down and decided I was tired of xanga.
I wonder what causes people to spend their time being a critic. What value would that add to their life? I want people when they meet me to feel in some way that I have lifted them up. I want them to feel like I have caused them to go to a higher level.
I had a friend explain something to me one day. He told me something about one of my critics. He told me, “Sometimes when people are critical of other people, what they are saying is more reflective of themselves than you.” He told me he knew of a fellow who had accused him of lying. He kept on calling him a liar. One day the individual confessed to him that he struggled with lying.
I meet a guy one day who accused another person of cheating on their spouse. He kept going on and on about it. Then one day I found out that he had cheated on his wife. I think that sometimes what a critic is saying is more reflective of themselves than the person they are throwing insults at.
What have you found to be helpful when handling a critic?
Comments (137)
First.
I just owned you, Max! And Max’s friend!
fudge
fudge
i love you anyway audrey
by the way 3rd
lalallalalalallalalla
lalalalalalala
my name is max hear me roar
roarrrrrrrrrrr
haha
In most cases, I find it best to not respond at all. Just take it for what it is, and let the critic be.
peace max
I don’t handle critics and criticism very well at all. I’d probably start crying……but I try to turn it into something positive. It’s hard to do that though when the person is being negative on purpose or in a mean way and not giving very constructive criticism. I try to just smile and say thank you, and then think in my head about how karma is a bitch.
Take heart, Dan! I am glad you didn’t shut down your xanga, I’d be very sad. And big congrats on the raise!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love you too Max!!
:D:D:D:D
My muff.<3
hot pockets
peace max
Your friend gave you good advice, btw. =)
: )
jews are cool
Critics are really:
Constructive: to provide what they believe is a form of improvement to something already good.
Negative: to hurt others.
I think, Dan, if i were to provide you with some constructive criticism, it would be…damnit I can’t think of any.
But congratulations on the raise. Best of Luck!
-Vibhu
i love cappiccino
peace max
sorry cappuccino
Yeah, I’m sorry Max and I spammed your site, Dan.
Being critical of others is definately a reflection of one’s own insecurites.
i hope youre not pissed dan dude
peace max
i was told today that i was fat. i’m not fat. and the person who said i was fat is not fat. they just wanted me to feel bad because they feel bad. sometimes the critic isn’t really criticising you they are just acting out because they hurt inside. that’s generally what i have seen in myself too. when i feel bad i sometimes though i’m not proud of it lash out at others more. i’m human and i realize that i do this occationally. i’m not proud of the fact but i can see i do it. and i try not to do it when i see myself becoming that way. sometimes your buttons get pushed though and you can’t help but be a little picky on another. there doesn’t seem to be one right or wrong answer in most of your questions. i like that. it shows a more rounded world we live in. it’s not flat. or brown.
i think most critics are not happy with their life, and feel that they can’t fix it, so they feel that it is necessary to critique everyone else’s life to forget about their own.
selective reading and hearing! If your confident enough within yourself to know, for example, that your site is not boring, then who gives a flying duck what that person said! I’m pretty vocal about positive and negative criticism depending on what was said. I admit its trying to find a higher level of thinking above what someone said who doesn’t even know an ounce of who you really are (only based on xanga?). We write for other reasons than to win the validation and affection of readers (I hope!). I also would like to add critics…the constant nags and know it alls..are just sometimes ALWAYS there to get on our last nerves because they feel they know more or feel they need to contribute our thoughts into thinking we can benefit from it. there will always be critics and I will criticize also…its how you handle it. You seem to handle it like any normal person would. I like your site!
I would be terribly upset if you ended xanga, so please don’t let one person change your mind, when you have hundreds of others.
anyway, just ignoring them works fine for me.
unless of course I think they have a point, and then I choose to take their input I suppose.
I find you an uplifting and interesting person. I enjoy reading your posts and your thoughts and replying (when I do). I appreciate your prayer request posts that you put up every once in a while. I think it helps a lot of people and it’s encouraging to me to read people’s comments. Thanks.
it’s really hard not to be criticl sometimes. but when someone is critical of me, it really hurts nd makes me want to cry.
so it’s incentive basically. treat others how you want to be treated.
and personally, i really like your site.
I agree that in a professional setting or if it comes from someone who you trust and respect the emotion of it needs to be removed. Really listening to what they have to say can prove more beneficial if you aren’t upset or offended the entire time they are talking.
I also agree that people will accuse and be critical when they are feeling insecure. A common defense mechanism I suppose.
I will tell you just what I told my kids when they were little. people that put others down are insecure and need to look in the mirror. Obviously your blog is popular and with popularity comes fans, and critics, and weirdo’s.
There are many people that have published works, best sellers in fact, that have their work ripped apart by critics. You can’t please everyone. But since this is xanga, a blog, that you are not even being paid to write, I say if you don’t like it, don’t read, don’t comment. I am like you though, I get my feelings hurt easily and I don’t like being put down. But like I said, if someone is taking the time to cut someone down on xanga, they are just a freak.
i try to understand what is said…. if i don’t agree at all, i try to put it away in the back of my mind.
Oh and congrats on the raise!!!!! Being validated at work is a lot different than being validated on xanga ( at least I think so ).
Dan.
You don’t have critics.
I have critics. You just have people who want to stand out by acting like they’re critical.
Subtle difference, I’ll admit.
But that’s just xangaworld.
I usually don’t pay much attention to negative comments as much as positive one b/c I beleive there’s always a person who would put you down for some reason or another and if you do let all of them get to you…I don’t think that you can face your days and crack a smile…so I just try to ignore those bad comments as much as possible.
I don’t like criticism. And I don’t take it well at all. I either get really depressed or really angry, and usually the second one gets me in trouble.
Awe Dan, your site is far from boring. If it was boring, why are you constantly in the top 10 featured at least 3 times every day????
I am very opinionated, and often do not agree with people. But I try to be open minded, and listen to what other people have to say. I’m just not mean enough to be too critical of people. Usually people with really low self esteem are the ones to criticize others!
Dissect their comments and show them exactly where they went wrong. I mean, sometimes I criticize people, but I never attack them directly, and I do it more as constructive criticism than straight-out criticism.
x__Stephany
Well, when “critics” have the largest military spending on the planet and then decide to preemptively bomb you because of “faulty intelligence,” I suppose there isn’t much you can do about it.
I think it depends on the nature of the criticism. I work with one guy who criticizes very sparingly. When he does, it’s usually for a good reason. I can think of 2 times he’s been critical of me, and both times he made a very good point. I’m glad he pointed out what needed to be pointed out. However, I also work with someone who is critical, I believe, because she is insecure and her insecurities come out as criticisms of others. I pretty much just ignore her criticisms because I understand that she’s not being constructive.
It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt sometimes. I just try to take the good criticism and use it as being helpful. The bad stuff I try to discard.
Critics annoy me. I think the whole idea of critiquing is flawed and doesn’t ever do what it is intended to. Critics can never give their true opinion because there MUST be SOMETHING wrong with whatever they’re critiquing. The person being critiqued cannot help but take it personal, usually. If they don’t, it’s not something they learn to do overnight. Generally, as in your case, it’s something you kind of grit your teeth about and try to endure.
If someone isn’t as good at something as they should be, they will figure it out for themselves eventually. If they don’t want badly enough to be good at something that they are looking for ways to improve themselves, why would they ever want advice from another?
I agree with your friend. People who are critical of others in a negative way, are often insecure. When someone is being critical of me in a negative way, I try to remind myself that they a human and they have their own imperfections. If I do not have to deal with this person, I chose not to deal with them. There is no sense of sorrounding yourself with negative people if you do not have to do it.
Congrats on the rasie by the way.
Erika
Don’t let anyone get you down!! Your site is great & one of the most interesting on Xanga!! C’mon – You’re always @ the top of the featured list several times!!…..
When someone criticizes me, I consider if it’s constructive….If it is, then I try to learn from it…..If it isn’t, I don’t think about it again….
If you leave Xanga – That would be a real loss to everyone!!
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1
So many times I have had to tell myself to just keep quiet. Another thing I find helpful is that when someone is criticizing me or are exhibiting a lot of negative behaviors, I look beyond the words/ actions and try to look and see what the bigger issue is. Usually, they have something they are dealing with…
well, revealing the critic to be hypocritical- even if you dont let them know about it- always makes me feel better..
well, revealing the critic to be hypocritical- even if you dont let them know about it- always makes me feel better..
member back when you asked us how we’d dispose of a body?
you thought i was bein all theoretical and shit, didn’t you?
pfft.
mad malcolm solves her problems with a chainsaw, bitches.
My wife is always a helpful voice of reason when I’m being criticized.
First realize that people who are critical have their own self-esteem issues in some way. They are insecure about something, and instead of acknowledging they have the problem, they are trying to point it out with you instead. I have a friend who is always talking about certain people being nosy, yet she is nosy as well. I think they are thinking if they point it out in others, then the other person has a problem instead of them.
Secondly, no matter what people think of you here, God knows the truth, and what is truly in your heart. That is all that really matters.
And whoever the critics are, they need to get a life!!!
I nail their ass. Unless they are right. Then I go off and think about it for a while and try to change.
If they are not. I nail their ass to the floor.
Ha ha ha!
I try to be especially nice… if they don’t get a rise out of you, it sometimes makes them mad, and that is extremely humorous to me. When I get famous, I’m going to have more fun with that…
and please don’t leave us
I’ve always had very critical sisters. What your friend said is true, when they would gain weight they would tell me I was fat…
did u get this idea off of quote on google?! cuz i know i saw a quote like that on google
It depends on how I get criticism.
If it’s in an environment where I should expect it, like work, then I will take a moment to consider the merits of what I’m being told. Often it turns out to be constructive criticism and I try to use it.
If it’s from an unexpected source or otherwise blindsides me, I will either say a curt thank you or the like and just go on. If it’s totally knocked me over because of being unwarrented or otherwise given when it shouldn’t, God only knows how I will respond.
Overall, I would say time to mull over what was said is the best thing for me.
I’m terrible at handling critics.
Please don’t shut down! I love reading your Xanga.
You dont usually comment me back, which i dont mind at all, i just hope you read your comments. Like this one.
While it may not be the real world, xanga is still full of friends and foes, and you are a xangan icon. Jealousy. Hubris. People are gonna crack down on you. Just have to learn to either crush them entirely, or pass it off because it really is a waste of time. I’m sure you know that.. may not agree with crushing an enemy, but I think you already know what I told you. So don’t let it get to you. You’re a smart guy, but unfortunately many of us aren’t.
You have good morals and are quite the thinker. Ten bucks says good things often come to you in the real world. The same applies there. Just gotta try and avoid those infectious people when you can and focus on your more appropriate goals than what those people have obviously set, or rather, not set.
Yeah. Hope that makes sense, and I hope it helps some how.
how do I handle Criticism?: A.K 47
Wishing you all the best,
Charlotte
Sadly I don’t take critisism well. For some unknown reason I think everyone should like me. I hate that about myself. BUT…as you have stated…I did find on the job and in church or where ever…people who critisize me on specific details have a problem in that area themselves. And all this time I would worry about things I HAVE DONE….when it was the critic themselves.
People who feel inferior about themselves will always look for ways to tear you down.
I make a practice to never give negative feedback. I will tell you if you hurt my feelings or if I have another opinion…but I never cut any one down or end a conversation in a negative…it just doesnt make for good business….or for future friendships.
oh yes…and I agree…your site is FAR from boring…why would we spend the time to gather here each night if it were so. I guess that would make all 200 or more of us boring as well…That’s okay…I can deal with that…as long as I’m in the “cool” club. heheh
When I get criticized, I usually internalize my reactions and work it out later. Blowing up on people is highly ineffective. Often times they don’t mean it as personally as I took it, or didn’t realize what they were doing. I correspond with a relative who simply has a knack for saying things offensively; I just don’t allow myself to be upset by them. it’s that “be the bigger person” thing, i guess.
just be nice, and handle it sweetly. kill em with kindness.
You did the BEST thing, responding in kindness. Critics want to get your goat, don’t give them the satisfaction! Plus, we are called to pray for them in hopes their wickedness will change!
Back in ’99 I wrote a Christmas letter and stuck it in my Christmas cards, someone in the family got upset about something I said in my Christmas letter, they somehow directed my letter toward them. Anyway…my sister in law brought it up at the family gathering, I begain telling her I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, I then asked her if she read the letter, she said, “No, it was long and I didn’t have time”. Here she was being “critical” of something she hadn’t even sought out…
Most critics have dark wicked hearts and feel good when they tear others down.
I try to just suck it up, listen, and nod politely.
I find just staying quiet works well…But sometimes you can only take so much, ya’know?
And for the record…I think your site is fantastic. I love that it makes me think, and dig deeper into myself to find the answer. I’ve learned alot about things, including myself since I started reading you Xanga. Thank You =)
ever heard the saying, “hurt people, hurt others?” …it’s so true!
Isn’t it weird how you were given such a Joyous moment, then the devil came along and tried to steal you of your joy…
Please keep writing!!!!
Everyone has a right to their views. But if one can’t weigh his sentiments properly or express his opinions in a civilised & tactful manner.. tat’s just too bad for him. Idiots are everywhere, we can live with one more, if he can live with himself.
And congratulations on the raise!!!!
I agree with this statement …..Sometimes when people are critical of other people, what they are saying is more reflective of themselves than you…..found it true in my life…. as for me so I am glad you are on ..you make people THINK and to some that may be boring ..I am glad you make us think and that means alot ….! Thanks ! …Would be easier if all the world was alike but then thats not possible ..Thanks for your input!!!! as for “What have you found to be helpful when handling a critic?” I dont do it well
certainly if you get 200 comments, somebody likes you! blog on, dude!
I agree that it is more a reflection of the other person, unless the criticism is truly constructive. I think you really have to look at where people are coming from to decide what their motivations are.
I think criticism can come from arrogance or insecurity of oneself. Now, I’m going to work from the simplest logic I can process to the main point. On the most basic level, a person just wants others to like him. People like people who are great. The person strives to achieve greatness by the false sense of being right induced by inflating his own paradigms and biases. When other people say or do things that go against the person’s set of ideas, his ego is threatened. He is afraid that if he compromises and tries to understand the other person’s viewpoint, he’ll have to give up some of his own views, and since his own views are the foundation of his imagined greatness, giving leeway and losing some of his beliefs, he feels, will make him feel less great about himself. On the other hand, stepping on other people’s beliefs with his ego and the sense of his ideas’ victory against another person’s ideas makes it seem to the person with the monster ego that his beliefs are further supported by the other beliefs’ alleged defeat.
Now, that’s not to say that’s the only way criticism can come about. I for one can testify that a person can be extremely adamant in being critical of something that he himself has a problem with. I’ve done this recently myself. And I’m not even sure if the above paragraph even has anything to do with how criticism really works. I just like to process things like that, piece by piece.
i dotn respond then and there but ill try to make the changes later. just not obviously cause i dotn like gettign attention
hey ive been reading your xanga for 2 days and it has been one of the most intresting things i have ever read and sometimes i get stuff from it . we are here not to put people down but to build them up.your site gets me thinking. infact i have a suggestion of a site you should visit it is called anernurse to be she is one of the kindest most uplifitng people i know. here is a question for you. what is time if not somthing created by man to help mark events and to cause insanity? time for god is endless there is no today or tomorow ther is past present and future but no today or tomorow. so wut is time? if people call you odd you tell them no i am not odd because normal is just somthing also set by humans there is no absolute normal because evryone has difrent ideas of what is normal and what is odd. i am not weird i am eccentric. ur sit is awsome man cya
I’m a critic myself. but being a critic and being an asshole is two different things :]
if someone doesn’t like you, and openly expresses it, it usually means that person is either jealous, or as your friend sagely said insecure of themselves.
Your site is provocative, interesting, and, I think, one of the more productive xangas in this community of plastics and emos.
(love to all of you xangans) If someone dedicates an entry that depicts you as boring…. that person could be a bit jealous of your attention.
People have different ways of expressing emotion. Consider selectively taking input, as there is a fine line between constructive criticism and verbal abuse.
Two heads are never better than one, but three might work.
meaning, an objective arbitration can be beneficial between two polar personalities d;
Take it easy man we love your site.
Just don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing what they say bothers you.
i just remember that they A.feel bad about themselves and try makin u look bad so they feel good B.they mean to help C. they spend their day askin “would you like fries with that?” or “would u like to supersize that mam?” D. I have a girlfriend who loves me, they don’t and/or E.I can stab them with a spork at anytime. Hope u lern that critics like attention most times.
Remind the critic that you appreciate HONEST but HELPFUL feedback. Being critical is okay, as long as it is constructive critisism.
I *try* to take a critic with a grain of salt — because I don’t know where they’re coming from, what they’re going through, and how that is impacting their treatment of me or a particular situation.
Notice I said try — certainly not always successful, LOL!
You shouldnt shut down your xanga because of a few rotten comments and e-mails. Who cares what those people think? So many other xangans enjoy your blog.
Ah, yes. Typical me, getting around the actual question to analyze the topic. Personally, I have no idea how to handle a critic. Being nice doesn’t seem to work with some of my stronger critics. However, joining them and becoming a rude, critical person myself apparantly does. I’m rather worried about myself because, even now that the situation is over, I still have a bit of critic in me. And I’m even more worried that joining the critics actually worked in removing myself from their criticism crosshairs. I was always taught that being nice to people would stop this sort of thing. Maybe I wasn’t being nice enough before I gave up and joined them? Who knows.
ow and i handle critisism in very dif ways from people at school or home i either a get reaaly p.oed and then go and lite them up like a star or i get physical. or b i keep quite hold in my anger get home and get a baseball bat or somthing go outside and beat the sap out of a tree as i think. if it is at church i listen think and stay calm usually . finnally if it is from this girl i know named rachel i listen intently at try and change what she says i need to( i would never want to make her angry )
Oh, yeah. Right. And lastly, don’t shut down. Although I’ve only recently found TheTheologiansCafe, I love coming here. From experience, half of the time when critics tear you up, in truth they really don’t think that of you, or if they do it’s not that big of a deal to them.
I am not one to take criticism well so I don’t really have anything to say other than I always leave with a smile on my face and I would be so sad if you weren’t here, the person who said you were boring was just jealous and congrats on the raise- Heather
Ugh. I am super sensitive to critics, and in my job – it’s nothing but! I just try to think happy thoughts [lame, I know] and think of horrible revenge schemes for the perpretrator
And CMDLL is right, you’re the prom queen [ok, king, but it doesn't work as well] and with the crown comes the backstabbing. Don’t bemoan your popularity, embrace it, cause you’re good!
critics are great.
It’s just like making fun of people, it makes them feel better about themselves. Of couse, sometimes criticism Sp? is great if the person needs it.
I was told by someone that opinions are like trashcans…everyone has one and most of them stink. That sounded a little sour, but I think we all get inundated with others’ opinions (sometimes it’s in the form of advice :~P, or criticism, or just dictator-like expressions.
I don’t think it matters how nice you respond some…they are simply going through their own thing…you know what I mean?
Be cool, Dude! You’ve got it together more than most people. You make me think about things … and I appreciate it!
Congratz on the raise! I hope you and your wife will get a sitter and go out and celebrate. Dance until the close the place down! :~D
First of all, Dan, I’m a fan, not a critic. If I didn’t think your input was good, I wouldn’t be here.
How do I handle the critics? Superficial agreement. “Yes. Great suggestion. I’ll take that under advisement.” ….Now will you just go away?….
(Not you, Dan. Xanga wouldn’t be the same!)
I try to steer away from negative people they are life suckers
Uh, I don’t handle people criticizing me very well. = I don’t handle people hating me very well either. Uh… I think someone hates me right now and it’s driving me nuts. Er… sorry. Anyway, I just try to avoid presenting so I don’t get discouraged. I used to write poems and I was very sentitive about them. I was forced to read one in class one day and some guy said it was too long. I was… shut down. I rarely write them now. AND that’s not even a criticism. I’m a BIT on the sensitive side. Uh, I need to work on that. Um… this post hasn’t been as productive as I thought it should be…
Oh, don’t shut you site down. My brain is starting to function properly again. They criticize you because they’re probably threatened by you. Or, they feel higher than you. When that’s the case, I think you should snap back at them and prove that you are better. = That’d shink their heads.
i like when people are blunt and tell me straight up
but when its something that i think is useless…i just think to myself, “um…whatever dude” and brush it off.
people are people and they will always have shyt to say…who cares…it only means they have time to think about me and talk about me.
i hate critical ppl (aka haters).. that said i try not to be critical myself.. i agree that sometimes what you don’t like about other ppl is a reflection of what you don’t like about yourself.
Being deaf, when critics yammer away at me I just turn off my hearing aids and let them talk, lol.
Seriously though, please don’t shut down xanga because of a few idiots. It’s always like that when people become popular or well-known, the trolls will tag along and spoil the party. Your friend is right, it reflects more on them than on you. Your site is not boring at all and sometimes I’ll be pondering the questions you ask for a while before I can post a reply.
My philosophy of people who bash others unfairly is that they will either reform one day or else die bitter, unloved and alone. So when someone criticizes you without reason and devotes an entire post to calling you “boring” (wtf?) just think, “oh that poor person, he’s going to die bitter, unloved and alone.” Then take a sip of tea and write your next thought-provoking post. Your fans are still around. ^_^
wow. you had like an entire conversation in your comments.
anyway. I just smile, say “uh huh, sure” and (my favorite) “I’ll think about that.” and later if I want to vent I can. (Just not when their around.)
*smile*
good luck with your critic’s!
oh yeah. and I think I speak for the majority of people who come here. Your Xanga is one of the best one’s out there! Please don’t shut down. I always learn something new from your posts!
<3
I think that we recognize faults in other people that we have in ourselves.
If they’re criticizing something that I did/do and I see their point, I try to take it in and fix what I’m doing. If I think they’re wrong, then I just get pissed off at them in my head.
The way I handle criticism really depends on who it’s coming from ,and whether I respect them at all or not. If I do, I take their thoughts to heart. If not, then I try to just smile and nod and not think about it again.
I usually remind the critic that I get to be me by God’s will, fate, or whatever. This let’s them know I’m not depending on their vote to remain me.
I take critique very seriously, and treat it mainly as input. Yes, critics can be very rude, or may even demolish your spirits, but it’s things like that that I feel I should just move on from. Learn, and then live on. And then learn again. There will always be people who will be a critic of your ways, but that’s no reason to back down – that’d only give them more reason to be a critic. The point is that it’s really impossible to avoid having a critic breathing down your neck. But you live, learn, and live on. That’s my motto.
Congrats Dan on the raise.
Brush it off Dan, I know it hurts sometimes, but really, people who act like that are just trying to make them selfs feel better. It’s crazy , but it seems that they have to put others down to make them selfs feel better. Maybe the are just upset because you do such a good job on your site.
I was going to post about this tonight, but it will have to wait now. It’s late.
I hope you have a really great day Dan. God Bless
Yea, the critic is usually more about the person giving the criticism than the other way around. If people are spending a lot of time talking about you, then it shows you have touched some part of them.
CONGRATS on the raise!!!
I like xanga. I get some strange comments, too sometimes. I don’t why but sometimes they peeve me. I guess, in a weird way, being on xanga, makes you a public person (with critics, fans, and friends).
I found out a co-worker is on myspace (he had a post up about his music and had my space on the flyer). It made me realize (for the 1st time), that SO MANY people have blogs. It is just inconceivable. We all want attention (to share our talents).
hmm the last part is interesting. i dunno, i guess maybe cause the critics notice their own faults and therefore are more able to notice others who might have the same faults. when i deal with critics i basically take out the constructive criticism and ignore everything else haha.
i a crititc to the max
Some of the best advice I’ve gotten about criticism is to “look for the grain of truth.” I’ve actually grown from the grain of truth in unwarranted criticism, or in criticism that was for the most part lashing out.
I often don’t respond well to criticism, especially if I feel like I’m getting deluged with it, and sometimes I am. But I’ve found that even my most persistent critics, those who criticize whether it is warranted or not, do many times have a kernel of truth that I can learn from. If I am handling it well, I’ll recognize that and go on, or I will recognize that the criticism is baseless and disregard it.
You can’t please everybody, so some criticism is inevitable. Since we are all flawed, sometimes it is warranted, but, again because we are all flawed, some of it isn’t. Recognizing which it is and responding accordingly is the key.
Make sure that my word is sharper than theirs, and then go for the kill;)
honestly i dont handle critics well.. unless it is co-workers speaking of work, friends that know me well, or bosses.. other than that i shoot off at the mouth.. i contemplate it all later and sometimes theres truth in it but sometimes there isnt..
some people do force their faults onto others by way of accussation.. some others try to tear you down to raise themselves up because it makes them feel good.. and still others genuinely want to help..
i deal with critics all the time on my site. there are a few people out there very angry with decisions i made in my past (i had an affair and left my husband) and they have no problem telling me exactly how they feel. some people are down right cruel. at first it bothered me. and just like you i would think it over in my mind all day. wondering if there was truth in their words. i would doubt myself and feel crappy for a day or so until i could push it aside and realize they really don’t know me.
responding back is the normal initial reaction. we want to defend ourselves. but i have found the best reaction is usually no reaction at all. and sometimes saying nothing back is a better “zing” than anything you could think up. its hard though…. but i try and remind myself of something my good friend once said…
“never explain. your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe you anyway”
One of my teachers once told me I do well with constrictive critisism. I have yet to believe them. However, I don’t paticularaly (sorry, I’m awful at spelling) take much offense to the little things. It’s a good way to build 1. a better w/e it is your doing, and 2. tougher skin when there’s worse critisism going about.
On another note, I find your posts to be anything but boring. They raise questions that I myself have been thinking about, but are either too lazy or busy to post them. I’m new to your site, but I’ve enjoyed reading your posts, whether I agree with them or not. So please, if somebody decides that “Hey, I think I’ll be a moron today.” You just give them what they deserve.
When faced with criticism, it’s crucial to look at the source. If this person is your spouse, someone close to you, your mom & dad, your boss or anyone you look up to, then take the time to listen to what they are saying. These people usually have your best interest at heart.
However, if this person is really not very close to you, you must ask yourself if they truly have your best interest at heart or if they are simply trying to cause you pain. In most cases, they are trying to cause you pain in order to feel better about themselves.
I agree with you Dan, when you say: “I had a friend explain something to me one day. He told me something about one of my critics. He told me, “Sometimes when people are critical of other people, what they are saying is more reflective of themselves than you.”" Absolutely true. I had a boyfriend who constantly accused me of cheating on him, but I have never cheated on a boyfriend in my life. Later on, I found out that he’d be cheating on me. Lesson learned.
Great post!
I’ve learned that the best way to handle a critic is just to take what they throw at you. Sometimes it helps to ignore the criticism (truthful or otherwise), and sometimes it’s better to take into account the fact that the person might have a point. It’s always good to ponder the situation and give a moment’s thought to the criticism you’re receiving and why you’re receiving it.
Often, the words are unimportant. The feelings behind the words give them meaning and purpose. If there is no good reason for the comments, let the words go. That is all they are.
To take things, sometimes, with a boulder of salt, and realize a lot of the bad criticisms are the critic’s worst shortcomings in themselves. Transference. We love you.
P.S. You’re a great guy–you deserved that raise-congratulations!
Don’t shut down. We need you. Xanga needs you.
People who are overly critical of others have issues themselves, so don’t take it so hard.
If you are really running off-track in some area of your life, you are more than likely to hear it from more than one person, so don’t take criticism from one person as as affirmative that changes need to be made.
I was once admonished on Xanga for my paragraphical incorrectness in my posts. After the first comment to that effect, a few more chimed in with their affirmation of the criticism. I then took it to be a valid critique of my style and have tried to do better (but sometimes I don’t just because I don’t want to be correct and stand on my right to run paragraphs together if I want to
).
To me, your posts and comments are very balanced. You seldom come off as critical or obsessive (I know that I often do) and you are more often uplifting or at least benign in your commentary. You seem to be very careful to not offend while being just as careful to express an honest interest in whatever you may be posting about or commenting on. You are something of an artist in interpersonal relationships / communication in my opinion. That is one of the reasons that I continue to visit and comment your site.
Mostly people who offer more criticisms than are really invited, are feeling some kind of deep-seated lack in their own lives – maybe they need a relationship with God to help fill up their ‘love tanks’. The desire to feel better about oneself is often manifested in the feeling that one needs to point out the shortcomings in other people.
L,r
I like what Chiznarles said. Don’t you just hate people who hate?
L,r
hay sir it sound like you have a hard job will let take ok
I hope I’m not one of those who has caused you any angst in this regard. I think you are doing a fine job here of getting people to think about a wide variety of things.
Critics are like assholes…everyone has them
Unlike you, i THRIVE on the negativity…and what i really love are the pundits completely oblivious of FACTS
To dispute them, i HAVE to revisit paths i have not travelled in a long time…and it keeps me sharp
I do the same things that you do…first, consider if there is any validity to the criticism.Then change if you think it’s necessary. If you think the criticism is not valid, try to just blow it off…you can’t please everyone, there will always be someone who doesn’t like what you are doing for one reason or another, but that is about their preferences and thoughts, not about you. if you just can’t brush off the criticism, you can always talke to the criticizer and try to resolve things with him or her.
BTW, I don’t think your site is boring.
I think you have the right idea about trying to find the actual message and ignore the passion of the criticism. There is also a line between those who are giving you feedback because they care about you and those who are simply giving you their opinion, unasked. I would, for example, probably take criticism better from someone I am close to than someone who doesn’t know me well. On Xanga, the same would apply. Everyone probalby gets weird random comments from people they’ve never heard of, which are ignorable at best. But I have developed better connections to some of my subscribers than others, and I would weigh what they were saying against what I thought they knew about me before feeling one way or another about something they wrote.
I agree with alot of what’s already but said, but I also think everyone has a choice. We can choose to be kind and supportive of others as well as keep our mouths shut – just like you do when you don’t comment on their negative criticism. But others choose to be the opposite because they don’t see past themselves, or care to for that matter, to see what their negativity does to others.
“Choose to love rather than hate. Choose to praise rather than gossip. Choose to heal rather than wound. Choose to grow rather than rot.”
I agree, Dan, those that criticize the most are the ones who are guilty of what they criticize others for. That is why I ignore critics, which makes them even madder to be ignored. LOL And that makes my day! They become absolutely obsessed with those who ignore them. LOL
propz
I have now joined the competition!
It depends if it’s Godly critisism or not. “The wounds of a friend are better than the kisses of an enemy” or something like that lol… it’s in there somewhere. If it’s just to be bad, then I ignore them and write them off as jerks, which then they can usually tell and try to make it up. I’m not vengful about it, but I am fair and don’t have to tolerate people who waste their time looking at others not themselves.
I try to remember what my mother used to say “Kill ‘em with kindness”.
i hate when ppl are critical
by the way,YOU SUCK
(thats a big jk there)
I think that people who criticize people are only human. Everyone does it. It is always easier to criticize someone that to do it yourself. I think nerves might have soemthing to do with it.
Jenna
who ever goes to T.A Howard press 123
I find it helpful to remember that whatver the person says, It’s THEIR opinion, and not mine. I can choose wether or not to listen to it, then! =)
If you are convinced of the rightness of your actions, why do you care what others think?
there are two ways to look at everything.
when someone critisizes you, that’s what they do.
when you let it bother you, that’s what you choose to do.
for example, i write this as helpful advice
but you may take it as im patronizing you or making fun of your post. or you could take it, and say, hmm, maybe that could be something i could do on my side
because there will always be critics out there. there’s something of everything
I criticize myself for stuff I do. I handle it by I accusing myself of lying to myself about being overly self-critical. Then I’m so confused I go to sleep.
wow this is a great topic…it’s so great that it leaves me speechless..
I hate critics or those who critisize or assume