January 31, 2006
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Expectations
A friend of mine asked on her site recently about whether everyone believed in soul mates. I said that I believe in soul mates. But I also mentioned that we had to have realistic expectations of those soul mates. My friend asked what those realistic expectations were.
What are realistic expectations to carry into marriage?
Comments (148)
that they will love you forever no matter what or they shouldn’t be marrying me!!!
None
Friendship, Honesty, Love, and a relationship with Christ too! Those are all the things I wanted from my husband and I made sure that he was the type of man to give me all those things!
I expect to be loved and to be given the attention I need. Glad you are back Dan!
Jen
Hmm thats a loaded question. I dont think we should expect more than we are willign to give in return
Expect to work a lot at making it work!
Honesty and sex…preferrably more of one or the other…which one of course depends on the relationship=).
Expect there to be mistakes. Nobody is perfect, and there are going to be problems. The trick is to not give up over the problems, but to work through them.
You shouldn’t have any expectations in particular…at least I wouldn’t.
If I get my sex thats all i need!
I think that they will be willing to commit to working at a meaningful relationship with you is important. Many people seem to think if you find your soul mate, everything will fall into place. This is hogwash. A good, healthy relationship requires honesty, trust and love.
Good question…love, trust, honesty, faith in each other… sharing a sense of humour and an enjoyable sex life. Sounds like a winning combo to me.
If you’re selfish, expect a lot of heart ache. If you’re giving, you can expect the same in return.
I guess just knowing that everything will not be perfect
I think a realistic expectation is that you both will screw up at some point…after all, neither of you are perfect!
If the guy isn’t faithfull….kick him to the curb….hehe
Love, Candy
that no one is perfect. =)
Being true, both in relationships, in desires and in wondering eyes. That each will remember the other, even when things are stressful. And that even when one doesn’t meet the others expectations, there’s still a real commitment to marriage.
I think expectations in a marriage is a mere myth, one you read about in storybooks.
I expect trust and communication but it is not always something acheived without work.
obviously expectations are much higher than they were 50 years ago. 50 years ago it was security. now it’s a soulmate. no wonder divorce rates have gone up. I think the person should be your best friend who you can talk to about anything, and you should both be willing to do anything for the other.
that no one is perfect. And you can still fight with your soul mate. And may hate them on occassion.
You should be best friends always. If you can’t talk to each other, be yourselves around each other, and have fun together….what’s the point?
ryc: Man, that is so, so TRUE!
have a great day
Loyalty, grace, faith…
Faithfulness
My husband and I believe we’re soulmates but that we chose each other. Part destiny but mostly fierce determination. To make a marriage work, you need love, trust, respect, and most of all Commitment. I expect commitment in my marriage – the willingness to work through an issue even when I don’t feel like it.
Commitment….if you have that everything else (faithfulness, love, compassion, empathy, encouragement, etc) will fall into place.
My husband and I will be celebrating 10 years of marriage in May….no regrets.
ryc: thank you!
That with good communication skills, you are going to be able to talk through disagreements and have great sex.
Probably the big one would be don’t cheat. Be faithful to the one your with. But i think that has to do with any relationship not just marriage. Marriage i guess would be long term i’m not going to leave you thing. And even if the times get tough i’ll be there for you to care for you. Like say you get some horrible disfiguring disease that eats away at the body from the outside and inside. You should have to stay miserable with that person till it’s over. yep… it’s to be miserable together
There are obligations of marriage, such as fidelity and honesty, which should be constant. Expectations leave less room for discovery.
People change
Your definition of love will change
But mostly, it isn’t fair to put expectations on the ones you love or anyone for that matter. You’re only setting them up to fail, in turn, setting yourself up for life-long dissapointment.
Respect, love, consideration, faithfulness.
That we’re all human..we all make mistakes and nobody’s perfect…even if they are your soulmate and you guys are meant to be together, you still have to work at a marriage to make it last. The worst is to go in expecting everything to be perfect and that you don’t have to compromise on anything. Putting false expectations on someone is the worst and only leads to disappointment and heartache.
I remember in high school writing out a list of qualifications that you want in your husband. I actually followed that list and found the man that I knew I would marry. Ok so how do I answer your question? Hmmmm…… I’d have to say respect I suppose.
that they love god more than anything else in this world and you next. the rest falls into place.
Shrek read my mind… Faithfulness is a MUST… Commitment, similar morals/belief system, Forgiveness and LOVE. Not a love that is not based only on emotions/feelings but a love that is based on choice to love the other person regardless of circunstances.
For the other person to hang by your side no matter what. FOr the other person to respect your thoughts and ideas, be supportive. For the other person to love you unconditionally
It is realistic to expect a spouse to be honest and faithful, respectful, affectionate, and loving.
It is unrealistic to expect a spouse to change his or her personality, or to suddenly abandon long-held annoying habits or behavior. Never marry someone thinking you can change that person. It is unrealistic to expect a spouse to sacrifice all his or her needs in order to devote every atom of energy towards you.
expect that your spouse will make mistakes and that they may say things they don’t mean but no matter what they will always love you. you should expect them to be loving, caring, compassionate, and faithful as well.
Trust… That is the most important… I know what it’s like
to lose that, to be screwed. But, I pray that I can trust
again someday.
I think two things are absolutely necessary: they have to be your best friend and both people need to have a commitment to stick it out no matter what happens.
I am a fool, am a sage,
I have died
I will collide
with an ancient soul
providence take hold
ten-thousand years of passing by
finally behold my lover’s grey eyes.
….Love less than this, I will not accept. ~tony
Equality, mutal trust and respect.
That each person realizes the other will screw up and that there will be times when you don’t like eachother, but that you are both are committed to working through those times.
Well I think if you expect nothing, you can be naught but pleasantly surprised, eh?
Because a marriage is like a business, with each partner being an even half of the whole, I would expect loyalty, patience and commitment. Without those a marriage is a sham. Sex should be the least important. It is a special bonus to a good union.
I think that there a lot of expectations that one must carry into marriage, but there are a few that you must be certain of before committing your life with that person. Honesty, Trust, Faithfulness are a couple of traits. I have been thinking about this lately since I have met someone that I am really developing strong feelings for. I want to be absolutely certain that someone I can get serious with has the characteristics and morals of the man that I want to marry. In this day and time people often get so caught up in materials and physically issues that the most important underlying things are often forgotten. I am learning to get over some of those issues and look deeper and hopefully that will help me have realistic expectations when the time comes.
honesty & faithfulness is all it takes.
You could always gain more by expecting less. Ask your parents or their friends who have been married twenty plus years. ASk them what they expected before getting hitched and how much of their expectations were met.
loyalty, honesty, trust, fights, disagreements, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, burnt suppers, broken pipes, laughter, tears, missed calls, alarm clocks that don’t go off, giving, getting, early mornings, late nights, sickness, health, repairs, bills and the list could go on and on
Respect and honor each other and never show disrespect in front of other people. Keep disagreements between each other and don’t involve others in decision making, unless agreed to by both spouses. They should be faithful to each other and never cheat on each other even if they no longer feel desire for each other. It they can’t resist the temptation to cheat, then they should get a divorce.
Most importantly – hash all this stuff out beforehand so each partner knows what is expected of him/her by the other and if there are any issues that need to be worked through before the marriage, then do so before committing to each other or call it quits before it starts.
L,r
Expect to be bored, very bored. That’s been my experience anyway…
gawsh marriage sucks. i have my reasons.
Friendship (Be each others best friend), honestly (never lie), passion, Truthfulness, unconditionally love for one another, a little romance….
“Love is a Friendship set of FIRE”
Faithfulness, honesty, a willingness to forgive.
Definitely UNCONDITIONAL love!!!
love so strong that you actually mean the vows….
Do you GROOM’S NAME take BRIDE’S NAME to be your wife – to live together after God’s ordinance – in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon her your heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her as long as you both shall live?
and it should be understood on both sides….for the bride to have that same committment to the groom as well. we should not ask our sweeties to do anything for us that we wouldn’t do for them…. you are professing love in front of a whole group of wittnesses, you had better mean it….
friendship, honesty, unconditional love, trust, humor
love, honor, and cherish. Total fidelity (sexual, physical, emotional, spiritual). Fairness. Patience. The ability to reason and understand. Practicality. True love at all times, even when fighting.
<< N O N E >>
People change, physically and mentally, then there is that temptation of infidelity always lurking around the corner…mentally and or physically – it can be devastating.
To think that you can spend the rest of your life with just… one… person… and be happy–
is more fantasy than reality.
RYC- Nope, I have never seen Kevin’s penis.
My expectations about marraige: It’s not going to be easy. Have to be willing to communicate, and have to be willing to compromise sometimes.
Unconditional love yet realizing that they are imperfect.
Love, friendship, and loyalty. My husband gave me a Claddah (an Irish symbol of those three ideas) on our wedding day. I agree that there are soulmates. I’m glad I’ve found mine!
Just a little note…thanks for your comment. I like the new page layout here.
Trust, honesty, and forgiveness. You need someone who loves you enough to work towards all three of those things. Nobody is perfect, but those should always be your ideals and something you treasure in your relationship.
The fact that the other person is human, and can’t read your mind…
Is all you ever do is ask questions? Do you not have anything philosophical to say?
Communication. It’s the key to any relationship.
That your love will last until death do you part.
Realistically, dont’ expect the fairy tale, it just isn’t going to happen!
That is will not always be happy, perfect and agreeable. Relationships rise and fall like the tide – and that’s okay.
Acceptance… even with all my goofiness.
For My friends I go the extra mile… How much more would I do for the woman I love?
Only limit is what God would place.
I would expect ups and downs, what relationship is not with out them? But I would believe that Love is stronger.
She should realize that when I leave the toilet seat up, it’s because i’m being nice.
Women need to know that we men don’t have to lift that toilet seat to do a #1. But because we don’t trust our aim, we lift the seat.
So instead of bitching at us for leaving it up, just keep your mouths shut and put the seat down. It takes literally a fraction of a second and you’re in a room with soap anyway. It sure beats sitting down in your husband’s urine.
loyalty, everlasting love…
Sit down and have a cappuccino…
Trust & love
Trust is probably the most important thing you can bring to any relationship. You need to know that you can trust someone before you can love them in return.
Here are my thoughts on realistic expectations:
(1) Not everyone gets it right the first time, but we are taking our chances;
(2) Money isn’t everything when marrying;
(3) Sex isn’t everything when marrying;
(4) Everyone goes through some relationship turbulences at least once during marriage;
(5) Friendship will, in the end, be the thing that will hold the marriage together.
how should i know. but you should let your middle kid do whatever he wants.
peace max
Nothing that you aren’t willing to give in return. You can only ask of your partner what you are willing to give/do in return.
unconditional…
everything.
And the same goes for me.
i donno
i dont believe in marriage
depends. I expect, as a woman, for my man to be a leader, to be faithful to me and to God, to cherish me and to love me and my family in a self sacrificing manner.
This is tricky because you can have higher expectations of people than you realize. What I would expect is, faithfulness, honesty, and love. Knowing at the same time that the way he expresses these things may not be the same way I do. (although faithfulness is pretty straight forward)
that they will love you. maybe not forever, because that promise is hard to keep.
that they will love you and be faithful
1) Your partner will not change.
2) The two of you will encounter rough patches.
3) Love — in action — will get you through anything.
Love, respect, support through sickness and through health…
And that they’ll do the dishes!!!! HA!!! Just kidding!
I don’t know. I’m not married. And I don’t know how to talk about love…
Happiness is what we’re all looking for, right? That about covers it. Its the ultimate goal in all we do… isn’t that why we get married? I wouldn’t know… I’m not headed there anytime soon.
Soul mates… What’s your definition of ‘soul mate?’
~Stix
*sigh* i have no idea what to expect for marriage.. which is kinda why i’m afraid of it.
that both look to God in everything
Love.
Hardwork, loyalty, endurance…
To love me. And not sex love, “I’ll hold back your hair when you vomit even if it gets on my hands because that’s how much I love you” love.
honesty and faith.
That people are human with baggage etc…
All I’d want is honesty, fidelity, consideration, and love for me. I could forgive almost anything else.
Whatever the two put in their vows.
It’s nice to know you are somewhat back….
Ahhhh..
Marriage Schmarriage !
well, it depends on the kind of person you marry. if you marry a lazybuttt, you cant expact much out of them but procrastination, and thats fine for some people. if you marry a hard worker who does all they can to provide for their family, the expectations will be different. there are the people who do things because they can, and the ones who are never even around enough to say you’re married to them, and the ones who make sure they do everything because they dont want you to lift a finger.
it also depends on the person you’re talking to. it they’re lazy, they want someone who will take care of them because they dont want to do anything, and then the people who work so much that all they want out of a marriage is time to relax, and then, then there are the pervs out there, but i dont think im going to get into any of that. the point is, it all depends on who we marry and what kind of person we are, so anything is possible.
the only thing i think we all want out of a marriage is for the other person to love us back. otherwise, whats the point of marrying them?
ah well, im only 13, so how would i know?
That things will not be perfect. That sex will become stale and you’ll need to spice it up. That your partner will not look that way forever. Compromise, honesty, loyalty, faithfulness, love.
Expect change! Expect that you will change. Expect your mate will change. Not always for the better! Expect that whatever it is – it probably won’t be what you expected!
Everyone has listed items like love, compassion, faithfulness, committment, good sex, etc….All important to be sure.
It’s interesting that I haven’t seen much more geared towards actual responsiblities in the relationship. There is no “I expect him to take care of the yard and the trash.” There is no “I expect her to do the cooking and the laundry.” There wasn’t even (that I saw) any “I expect that BOTH of us will do an equal amount of housework.”. Is it that what has, in the past, been considered gender-based roles in a household no longer expected or relevant? Me_N_God joked about dishes…
The closest I saw to this was krnangel631 stating she expects her husand to fulfil the role of leader (head of the household).
My wife and I will be celebrating our 20th in a few months.
Where does the universe end and, if anything, what is beyond it?
How did the universe began?
Also, is there a heaven? What happenes after we die?
If Adam and Eve were the first humans and they had kids, their kids would have to have kids and so on, but that way, they would have been born with deformities. Is it possible that humans are all deformed?
Could a human and a monkey reproduce since we have 99.9 the same genetics?
Why do we dream?
Is there other intelligent life in the universe?
What is the meaning of life?
These questions have been puzzling me for years. Do you think you equipt me with some reasonable answers?
<3 Kristina
That your spouse WILL get on your nerves and/or frustrate you beyind belief at times.
That you will get in fights about stupid stuff.
That “soul mate” does not mean the person is perfect for you in every way. However, they should complement you (and you them) so you bring out the best in each other.
That even when you are upset and frustrated with each other, you still love each other and are willing to work things out… maybe just not at that moment.
That whatever little (or big) things your mate does that bug you will NOT change when you get married– you’re taking that person on as they are, 100%, for better or for worse.
That you most likely will go through periods in your marriage of up to several years where you may be unhappy with each other. That you must work throug hthose periods, b/c when you get past them your relationship will be even better than it was before. Too many people don’t get to that point.
That FOREVER means FOREVER. Not “till I get tired of you.”
Soul mates should have the same long term goals, they should make each other laugh, they should be able to disagree gracefully, and they should make each others stomach tingle when they walk into a room. That isn’t unrealistic at all.
Friendship, honesty and good communication skills
I would have said love but I think that should be a “given” not an expectation. If there isn’t love there shouldn’t be a marriage…
They better have a brain that is actually functioning and able to have original thoughts and a job!!! Everything else is gravy.
PS – I’ve been married to the same man for 28 years
I was thinking about this myself only a few days ago. I think we long for the ideal, in everything. But have we ever thought about where this ideal comes from? Why do we have the image of the perfect, when we have never experienced it? I have concluded, as a Christian, that we long for paradise. We long for the world that we were actually created for, the world before it became a fallen world, and we will long for it until our last breath.
I also thought to myself that it is not helpful to us to compare the fallen and earthly realities with that ideal. Present realities will never measure up to paradise. It is not helpful to compare the ideal with real, fallen people, including our spouses. They cannot compete with an image, a vision, of the ideal. That said, I think there is much that we can do to move closer to what we consider to be an ideal relationship. But this means I must do the work, not expect it of my spouse.
The best expectations for marriage are the ones I put upon myself for my own behavior and the qualitiy of my interaction with my spouse. These are expectations that I can actually do something about. A goal that involves my mate’s behavior is not a goal that I have control over. Goals that involve others (ones that I cannot control) create anxiety and frustration, as well as a heavy burden for the other person.
Read Song of Solomon and 1 Corinthians 13 and that is what i believe should be in your soul mate
expect the unexpected, but more than that, don’t expect everything to always be easy. It will be give and take, it will be wonderful, as long as your heart and your mind are in the right place. And these three remain: faith, hope and love… yet the greatest of these is love. I think that says something right there.
One musn’t pass on every oppertunity in life because he or she thinks it is not their “soul destination”. People need to experience things, experience life, and sometimes that means being mistaken.
Take chances.
And yes, I believe in soul mates. =)
>Ariana
Soulmates yes.. too bad I met mine too late.
two essentials:
love
&
honesty
That the love of Christ will be at the center and the foundation of the marriage!
A hatred of one another.
>That person should be someone you can trust, hands down, in just about anything. ‘We’ know that everyone who is human is imperfect. In the christian as well as physical n mental sense. However much we ‘wish’ to be otherewise. Anything else is wishing. As we mature fm childhood we come to realize it can be no other way, however much we ‘wish’ otherwise. But, while depression is a normal human reaction, ideally we should know in our heart of hearts that there will for the foreseeable future just that. A future. Whatever it might be that ‘We’ make of it…….
That being said, life then kicks us in the pants. Make the most of your life while you have one!
the only expectation i have is for it to be a Christ centered relationship. with Christ as the hub everything just falls into place.
martha
oddly enough, i am not married to my soul mate. when he and i met, he was married to someone else, so we have just remained the closest of friends.
into my marriage, which is the second for both of us, we carry the expectations of: communication, respect, civility, and forgiveness. we know that no one is perfect, that no one can be everything to another person… and yet it is important to respect the other, to uphold them when they are discouraged, to forgive them when they don’t live up to your expectations, and to work hard never to let them down in their expectations of you.
oh, we also expect love and sex and affection. sometimes we are good at all three, sometimes, the affection not so much. that is when it gets dangerous, because while you would most likely not have sex outside your marriage, you can forget that affection/intimacy really should remain in it too….
I find it better to have no expectations.
That even though you love them/they love you, they are human and they will mess up. They cannot be perfect, and it is unfair to expect that of them.
commitment, faithfulness to the end, and love. And understanding that you are not in this to shape the other person, but to fit into each other’s groves.
To not go into it thinking that it will be just like a fairytale.
i beleave that every one has a fue people that they could end up living okey-ly ever after with …but theres always that once person. the one that you may jut ignore because you dont realize that they are there…or because they may not seem good enough for ou….
i think that the expectation thing….has nothing to do with it. you will fall in love if you alow your self to , and i think that only about 60% of america will let them selves. i think that because most anyone will let the way someone looks or is dressed , get in there way.
and for those people i pitty.
you may never find your soul mate….
and have fun living okey-ly eery after.
-Jennifer Someone.
I don’t know about marriage, but my idea of a soul mate is 100% compatibility. Basically my dream girl.
Marriage pretty much means eternal torment…Just kidding
. Unconditional love? Though, you can have that without marriage. The rings just make it official.
Oh, a realistic expectation in marriage is that it will have its up and downs.
putting your spouse before yourself..100% honesty,
neither partner is perfect but both will try their damnedest to be the best they could be for each other and themselves.
ya pretty much is that they should love u for who u r and it dont matter wat u look like and sometimes that can be pretty hard to find, and i just started this xanga sight and im not sure wat to do, check it out for me at http://www.xanga.com/bubbazimr
Some say no expectations are realistic, but such answers sound like those people are too lazy to pinpoint what they expect–even a pessimistic opinion that nothing should be expected is an expectation in itself. Other pessimists make comments such as quarreling over petty stuff, getting quite bored, etc.
Although such expectations are probably realistic, I’m glad that most people respond with positive comments like affection, faith, forgiveness, friendship, honesty, kindness, love, loyalty, patience, respect, and trust. Yet all these could be expected from a boyfriend/girlfriend, so those responses don’t seem specific to marriage.
To me, a wedding is special because it is the official beginning of a life-long commitment, which is a unique characteristic of marriage. Perhaps I’m too idealistic, but I believe the traditional wedding vows are realistic expectations of marriage–honoring God and staying together forever despite any difficulties.
HA - funny my dad has already figured that one out too.. that’s why he had two kids, switch homes every six months!
Neglect the whole world rather than each other.
Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.
Say at least one kind of complimentary word to each other every day.
Never go to bed with an arguement unsettled.
Remember, the one doing the most talking is usually the one in the wrong.
Don’t bring up mistakes of the past, FORGIVE and move on.
Stick up for your spouse, especially if it is your family bad mouthing them. You chose your spouse, they are now your family. Remember, a man shall leave his mother and a woman leave her home, they shall carry on to where the two shall be as one!
Be faithful. Wait 17 seconds before speaking unkind words, chances are you will change your mind and keep from having to apologize later!
A Soul mate should be able to do all of these things.
trust and undrstanding
Loving God first, make 2nd and self 3rd…also seeing in your mate’s failings the suffering or wounded Christ and treating them as such when they fail. These are realistic expectations.
I have a couple of soulmates in every city if not every neighborhood, even the ones I havent visited yet. I travel to find them, maybe someday I will marry one. Marriage? Acceptence. Nothing less. Tell me its an ugly outfit, and then accept it…
Dont tell me you like it when you dont.
Which leads me to the more important one I didnt realize.
Honesty.
More important than faithfulness and acceptence.
“I wont lie, but if you ask me ill tell you the truth, it may hurt you a lot, are you sure you want to ask?”
Is speaking your mind cruel if its the truth? If you have to ask, then you already know the answer, regarding relationships.
Honesty and love. What more can a person give anyway?
faith, and communication.
uptown yeah !
honesty, faithfulness, friendship, love, and patience.. and a laugh every now and then
to be loved and treated well w/respect, fairness and kindness. honesty, laughter…
Trust in one another, attention and a huge here and there.lol
Trust, respect, affection, forgiveness, loyalty, responsibility, and damn good sex.
I think if the person is your true soul mate, the only expectation is that they continue to let you be the person you were when the two of you met. And that you do the same in return. If you try to change someone, they were not your soul mate to begin with.