March 24, 2006
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Internet Porn
I got an email from someone on xanga that wanted me to put an issue out there. She is a housewife and a mother. She checked the history on her computer because she was told by a friend that she should. She found all kinds of porn being accessed on the computer. She has a son and was able to tell from the times that it was accessed that it was him and not her husband. She was shocked by the graphic nature of the material. Her husband didn’t think it was a big deal.
How should a parent address this issue with her son?
Comments (169)
definitely
“Porn is bad.”
How old’s the kid?
Hey Dan,
I just discussed with him directly like I do everything else. No need to make it a huge issue.
Candy
I don’t know how exactly. It would depend on their relationship. But it should be addressed….quickly!!!
depends on how old the boy is…
if not there he’s gonna get it somewhere else.
parents need to talk and teach their kids…
sex is a part of life….
Well it depends how old the kid is. I mean, if the kid is fifteen, its normal and she shouldn’t really fret about it too much, just tell him to keep it out of her sight. If the kid is twelve however, then she should have the father bring it up. Not to sound sexist, but its just something a father should bring up, not a mother.
Eva.
Suite, top ten!
I’d discuss it.
yes.
I think she should say something to him. As far as my teenager who uses our home computer, she knows that I monitor her use and if I find something I don’t like, we talk about it.
I would want someone to bring it up with me. I would also get a filter for my computer.
I do know that all porn can lead to is trouble.
yes, it is important to guide the youth and let them understand why it is wrong.
I found porn on my little brother’s computer.
I was repulsed by what type it was.
So I deleted it all.
And told him to download better porn.
And to hide it better.
I didn’t tell our parents about it.
I think he learned his lesson.
He was really embarrassed about it.
And I think that’s all it takes.
I’m a pretty cool big sister, I like to think.
That’s nothing unusual. come on people do you not realize how easy it is for teens to look at porn now that we have the internet? What to do about it? All you can do it babysit them every minute they are online. When we were young it was those magazines that the teenagers got a hold of somehow.
I don’t think that a mother would understand like a father could. Now that father needs to understand that it is a big deal.
Explain to them why it’s wrong:
It cheapens sex when you finally have it
Reduces the woman/man to just an item of pleasure
etc.
I would filter the computer, and then have an honest discussion with him. In my family, pornography is viewed as degrading to women, unBiblical, and sinful. Therefore we discuss why this is so. Ultimately decisions must be made by each individual, but arming them with knowledge as soon as possible is a good thing.
Tell the mother not to worry about her son, unless it was something truly disturbing, like rape fantasies or something. And only then if there’s a high percentage of the objectionable material that is that bad, because if you’re on one pornographic site, others can pop up, and who knows what that crap is going to be. Masturbation is normal, and probably healthy, in fact.
The only time she should worry about it, besides what I mentioned above, should be if he’s refusing to leave the computer and do normal things, like hang out with friends. Or if he refuses to get a girlfriend or boyfriend. When porn interferes with normal life is when it’s a bad thing, like alcohol addiction. Otherwise she should respect her son’s privacy.
It should be the father that addresses the issue. Beyond that, I really don’t know.
If the son is mature enough, he might try an explanaton of the problems of becoming addicted to the stuff and how it will affect his son’s future romantic ventures and hope for some spark of response.
I don’t know if there is a 12-step program for pornography addicts or not, but a forced accompaniment to one of their meeting might be shocking enough to get through.
An accountability site should be connected to the computer so that the parents could be alerted whenever the boy endeavored to look at porn in the future.
There is no sure way to keep him from looking if he really wants to.
L,r
I agree the father should address the issue. And it should be made clear that it’s wrong and not to be tolerated.
I’d feel like kicking his butt but would have to settle for talking through the issue with him. Also tell him that he can’t use my computer for such things.
Yes. I did when I found my oldest doing the same thing. We talked about what she was looking at and the difference between lewd and obscene acts and what she was actually interested in. Since then (roughly two years ago) we have restricted both of the girls access to one hour a week that way we can keep a strict track of where they have been and what they accessed. It’s absolutely necessary to have these discussions because ignoring it will not make it go away.
It’s natural for teens, male and female, to look at porn. She just needs to have a discussion about it and not make a big deal over it. The more you fuss the more they will do whatever it is you’re fussing about.
why did she ask you to ask this question instead of posting it herself?
do it fast.but better be prepared to answer the unasked questions in that brain of his: why is it bad? is it hurting anyone? if so, how? if these questions are not addressed, we are just burying the weed down. it’ll pop up again.
there are 2 levels to this: 1) need to convince and convict the child about the evil of porn. 2) need to set up an accountability system to help him steer away from temptation. the long term goal (1) of having him convinced and convicted about the evil of porn is important and urgent. you wanna be able to push him to a level that even if no one is watching and no one can chk (such as during free time at the library computer), he won’t do it.
This day in age if he wants to view it, he’s going to. Granted she could put porn filters on the computer, but they’re not fool-proof.
I have a friend who became addicted to it years ago and had to undergo psychological treatment for it. After a while it was like a drug. He was completely desensitized from regular sex and eventually just regular porn did nothing for him. He kept looking for more and more and more until it took a serious toll on his marriage. The son should be educated about these kinds of dangers.
porn destroys lifes.
I’m not sure what she should do. RYC: I absolutely love the 80s as well! I was born in 1985 so I really can’t call myself an 80s kid. My parents graduated from high school in 1983 and 1984 so I also got the benefit of all the great 80s things. I especially love the music!!!
Confront the son, and tell him we know what you are watching ….
I’d discuss it with him. Then, I would remove his computer from his room. And I would install a program that tracked internet usage. I’m sorry but “Every teenager does it” doesn’t fly with me. I’ve also heard all teenagers drink, smoke, do drugs, and screw around. They don’t fly with me either. I guess I’m not a “cool” mom.
IF he is getting at porn this young then he might stay addicted for the rest of his life and that might not help him with any relationship he gets into. How would a lady compete with all that? I did date a guy who watched porn and all he wanted was for me to look just like them and act like them, needless to say we didn’t work out. But porn can be pretty addictive almost as bad as any drug. I think the father should see it as a big deal…porn can wreck marraiges and lives. Sex is a part of life that is true, but in a special way between husband and wife. Now its sold all over the place and has become a cheap form of entertainment. Not for kids of ANY age.
Oh and Dan, sorry I didn’t realize if my answer had offended you or not, I was just trying to address other people out there and it looked like I was coming down on you and I’m sorry if it seemed that way. I was just trying to get a point across but thanks for replying!
It depends on age. When I was around 8, 9, 10 or so, my friends and I all looked at “dirty” magazines, websites, etc. We weren’t getting anything out of it other than we were basically curious. It didn’t seem dirty to us. My parents found it and took it away telling me it’s bad and it pissed me off. So if I had a child around that age looking at it, I would take it away but tell my son that he can’t have it until he’s older and knows what he’s getting into.
But if the kid was 11 or older, I’d let it be.
Gently but firmly tell him to stop, restrict his internet access, and explain WHY porn is wrong. MAIN REASON: It’s degrading to women, portraying them as nothing more than sex objects.
The first thing I would ask is how old is her son? If he’s say in college then I think she should drop it. If he’s say 13 then she should address it. That’s the first thing she should do, determine if it’s a matter that should be addressed in the first place. After we know that information we’d be much more informed as to how she should address this issue with her son.
directly. honestly. openly.
She should address it with her husband first,
they need to approach the child together.
It depends on how old the son is!! If he’s 21, then it’s not a problem. If he’s 12, it’s a problem and they need to address it!!
I think she should, but I have no idea how. Maybe ask him why. Discuss it with him, just a free open discussion.
First, deal with the bigger issue in the marriage: “Her husband didn’t think it was a big deal.”
Then, with both parents on the same side, and after Biblical marriage counseling, they both should approach the child together.
Have both the father and the son go through the free “Way of Purity” course: http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/
I took it and it helped me!
IT DEPENDS ON HIS AGE HOW TO ADDRESS SUCH A SITUATION, BUT IT SHOULD BE ADDRESSED ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.
OUT OF CURIOUSITY DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF PORN IT WAS OR FROM WHAT SITE? ID LIKE TO WATCH IT FOR RESEARCH PURPOSES U KNOW? THAT WAY I CAN FIND OUT JUST HOW I WOULD GO ABOUT THIS.
head on. Have a sit down and talk it through…
(sorry…admin, please delete duplicates)
hmm, I’d probably call Alec Baldwin, Clooney or Fonda, I mean, we can’t do anything w/out their leading, that would really tick them off.
– I’m sure they would have all the right answers, I mean with their huge following of believers and all…
How old is he?
I would take away the computer priveliges, or ban the html addresses.
verdi
There are several factors that one would need to know before addressing how such a situation should be addressed. First off, are the mother and son Christians? While it may sound like an irrelevant question, if they are Christians or if they are not will change ones perception of what is right, what is wrong and why. The Bible says that lust is a sin. However the world says that pornography and lust is “natural.” The Bible says that lusting is the same as having sex with the one that the individual is lusting after. The world says that masturbation, pornography and lust is healthy and just a part of growing up. Ask any married women whose marriage was torn apart by lust, pornography and unfaithfullness if porn is all that innocent. I’ll guarentee you that she’ll be realistic, and not give the token “its nomral” answers that the world tries to feed.
No matter where the mother and son are coming from, the issue should be addressed and quickly. If the pornography issue is a new one for the son it’ll be much easier to kick than if it continues for a long time. I’ve read that trying to kick a pornography addiction, is much like trying to kick a cocaine habbit. While some may scoff at such assertion, I will say that as someone who struggled with porn starting at the age of 12 and continued to struggle for more than a decade….the cocaine analogy is pretty accurate.
hm. i guess it depends on the values and belief system of the family involved. but open communication can’t be bad. at least then the son will know he is able to talk to his parents about stuff without the risk of them freaking out and kicking him out of the house or something. hopefully that will help the parents guide him to think things through and make good choices in life. geez, i’m kinda glad i don’t have kids. i wouldn’t want to have that talk!
i’m taking the plunge and subscribing to your site. i dig it.
.. how come you get so much props ?
well, ignoring it is not an option. Clearly her son is interested in sex, which is normal. She should talk with him and let him know that looking at porn is NOT okay, but that she or his father are more than happy to honestly answer any sex question he has.
She should live up to that as well- she shouldn’t act stunned or angry at any question he has. She should answer him honestly and let her son always feel like he can come to her or his dad for anything.
Talk to the kid and let him know why porn is bad.
Coming from a Christian perspective:
I believe the parents should definitly confront him on this issue, but not after praying. Pornography has a powerfully addicting affect that I (yes, I struggled with this) was only able to beat with the help of God. If he is receptive, I believe they should restrict his access to the internet for a period of time (perhaps a month?) And continue to follow up with him, encouraging him along the way. If he is obstinate, I believe they should remove his access to the internet and any other pornographic material (TV, movies, etc…)
Porn is bad:
From a scientific standpoint - It has been shown to be addicting psychologically with physical effects. It has an escalatory nature (similar to drugs that need to be taken in increased doses to achieve the same affect), and it affects the thought processes towards women.
From a Biblical standpoint – Jesus says in Matthew 5:27-30 that “…everyone who looks on a woman to lust for her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.” (NASB)
I will be praying for them.
Well, keep in mind… it might not all be his stuff… I have spyware on my computer that gives us random pop-ups to bestiality sites and other nasty stuff… and it shows up in the history.. I got in trouble one time, and I wasn’t looking at any of those nasty sites.
I’m no parent, but if I were, I’d ask the kid what it was all about, find the genuine truth… explain that it’s all well and good to enjoy yourself, but not at the expense of my computer. I have nothing against porn. What I DO take issue with is spyware. Damn spyware..
the internet is for porn, didn’t she get the memo?
The absolute worst thing to do is to attack him with condemnation and screaming insults. Too many parents don’t stop and get a cool head before approaching the situation. This futher alienated them from him and he will just shut down and hear nothing. If the relationship is one of trust and honesty and if Dad can stay calm and reasonable, remembering what it was like to be a young man, then he should be the one to approach the subject. If mom is alone in this, she should ask a man who has been a positive role model in the boy’s life to sit down and talk with him. He needs someone who can see things from his point of view. Porn, despite what people may say, is destructive to the emotional, physical and spiritual health of anyone who views it and is extremely detrimental to the strength of any future marriage relationship.
I definitly agree with droach79 up there.
The father should take some responsibility and talk to the kid himself, for one thing…
It should be discussed, but not in a panic attack, I-can’t-believe-this-happened kinda way. It’s not a little kid issue and they shouldn’t treat him like a little kid. I’m not saying looking at it makes you mature, I’m just saying they should be honest with him about it and talk about it calmly, rather than flying off the handle and driving him completely the other way. He is a teenager with hormones and he should be encouraged to recognize why porn is so wrong, not why his sex drive is wrong. It shouldn’t be a direct attack on his hormones, only the outlet he tries to satisfy them with.
HELLO! PUT PARENTAL CONTROLS ON THE COMPUTER!
HEY DAN, BEEN OUT OF POCKET TODAY…TALK TO YOU SOON!
I’ve gotten around parental controls in the past. It’s not that hard. You must find other ways. (refer to my previous posts, porn is WRONG)
I think, 90% of the time, the issue needs to be addressed with the husband FIRST.
Wow that’s tough. I’d say she should put a filter on the computer and bring it up with her son. It’s an addiction in my opinion.
He must understand the joy of love and sexuality, that it is natural, inevitable and beautiful… in fact it is unnatural and counterproductive to even attempt to repress. However, pornography, especially from an early age or in excess is clearly detrimental, as others have aptly described above. Once the craving for porn starts it becomes progressively harder to stop and eliminate… best to do everything to limit the exposure. Make it hard to view (filters, limited PC time, etc), while encouraging normal teen socialization.
Ok, I don’t think a teenage boy looking up porn is unusual, but I don’t think it’s beneficial, either. The images on there aren’t really reality, and they stay imprinted in your mind forever. I have a friend who is battling years of porn addiction, and it’s a constant, exhausting fight–he hates what it’s done to his mind, how he thinks of woman and sex. Plus, the more hardcore the porn, the more perverted and unnatural it becomes, and, before you know it, you’re turned on by the unnatural instead of reality. Porn can leave you unsatisfied with real life and with your partner because they can’t add up. It can also damage or destroy relationships; My mom lived in a household where both her brothers and father read porn frequently, and it tore their family apart. I’m not saying that all the family issues were rooted in the porn, but it definately was a factor. None of her brothers stayed married, and her father and mother had a very rough relationship.
So . . . all this to say: yes, they should definately address the issue.
Address the problem IMMEDIATELY.
Porn=Horriffic
The End.
It sounds like the parents need to talk about what they find acceptable and what they don’t so they can provide a unified front. I think that one of the parents should talk to the son about sex and sexuality. If she found “all kinds” of porn, it sounds like he is curious. Even if I was uncomfortable, I would rather field questions about sex than have the internet teaching my child.
Of course.
I’ve heard of parents that find their kids with cigarettes making them smoke the whole pack, I suppose it could be handled in a similar manner – watch porn until you either have your eyes pop out or you injure your delicate bits.
He’s a teenage boy.. I would be more worried .. if he wasn’t interested.
At least it wasn’t gay porn. She really should not address the issue to her son if she wants to keep his trust. Privacy Act. Instead, as a mother, she should trick him and leave the porn on the computer, pretend to walk by it, and get him to confess. He will be so embarrassed he’ll never look at those sites for at least a good few months. Is that what she wants? really? Or does she trust herself enough that she’s a good mother and can raise her son properly and just accept that it’s natural what he’s doing, and that really, there’s nothing to worry about.
The age of the boy would determine the best way to bring it up.
But roughly: The parents should tell him directly that they found porn and ask if he knows what exactly he’s looking at. If it’s beastiality, rape or child pornography, it should be a very serious conversation. Vaginal porn is normal for boys to look at, and it shouldn’t be a punishable offense but still taken seriously between the boy and his parents. The boy will be embarrassed, but he should understand the content he’s looking at.
Vaginal, beastial, child porn or rape, it should be made clear and direct, with open questions and open answers from both ends.
Look, obviously he already knows what it is and that it is there. Now it is just time for them to decide whther to punish or tolerate.
We had that same issue when our sons were growing up. You just have to be on top of it all the time or it will get worse.
Everyday I scanned the computer, checked the history, the cookies, and eveything you can think of….That was about 5-6 years ago and they have much better ways now to keep your kids from going to those bad places. At that time we just moved the computer to the living room. When we still had problems with it, we got AOL and put him on the CHILDS acct. He was humiliated and finally stopped.
But I can tell you how it all began….I let him have a picture as his background of one of the Sports Illustrated gals…and I guess he took it as permission to have all sorts of gals at the click of the keyboard.
I had no problems taking the computer away for only homework. Don’t break the rules of the house…and we had a no porn rule. You have to be strong.
She should tell him that she thinks it’s not appropriate for his age. I think there’s nothing wrong with porn, for the most part. Hell, I look at it myself. Kids are curious, and with the amount of porn out there and the ease of finding it, then they’re going to look. She should tell her son that she understands that he’s curious about sex, but that she doesn’t want him looking at that stuff in her house. Then invest in something like Net Nanny or something. But it’s not going to stop him, he has friends with computers and therefore access to porn. It’s like telling your kid to not have sex – you can do all you can to prevent it, but it’ll still happen.
My mom sent my brother to a psychologist when she found out he was doing that…. then again my brother was also pathologically lying about it and hiding women’s underware in his bed, so she had more a ligit reason for doing that.
I don’t think his mom should be TOO freaked since this is his first offense. He may just be curious about sex, and that’s normal and healthy. She should sit down and talk with him about why he was looking at it, and then, explain that she finds it gross, disrespectful, however she feels about it, and ask him not to look at it on the computer or whatever or she’ll ban him from the internet unless supervised or something.
Porn is not a big deal. Why is porn a multi billion dollar industry? Because people love porn; young, old, midgets, giants, donkeys…they all love porn. It’s natural for her son to be looking at porn unless of course he’s checking out crazy S&M donkey punching, dirty sanchez sites…then she needs to figure out why she f**ked up so bad or at least send me the links. ha.
deff discuss it, but you need both parents to make it sink or matter. One is saying “NO!” and the other is passive. There needs to be understanding and common ground. I would explain how its a false view of reality and can harm his (sons) future marriage or even relationships in general. But you need both parents support/thoughts
discuss it over a bag of cornuts.
sit them down and go str8 to the point.
I’ve got a better question:
How should a parent explain sexual exploitation of and sexual torture of detainees in Abu Ghraib?
Ah, let the justifications begin…
probly sit the son down and tell him hes not aloud to look that stuff up. then get a site lock (i donno what its called really). so your unable 2 acsess enythaing you dont want children(or others) to see.
ashton
It depends on how old he is as to how to approach it, but either way, it needs to be addressed quickly and directly. Porn is becoming ‘normal’ and that is a huge problem. It degrades women in men’s eyes, and can degredate men in women’s eyes when it is women looking at it. It can completely destroy self-esteem…and it leads to more problems later in life. It also affects intimacy within a marriage. When addressing it, it is also important to address the reason it’s being done, rather than just the fact it is itself.
For everyone interested in this and how to keep online integrity, check out http://www.xxxchurch.com/ This site is designed to help people struggling with this and hold them accountable…and to help prevent it from happening.
Hi Dan,
She should take the PC away. Plain and simple. She also could put passwords on it so that he could only use it under supervision. Never should she let it continue to damage her child. Prayer would be the next step, and a mature conversation with the son and maybe a pastor or someone with godley wisdom.
God bless
John Anthony
honestly, if you just talk about it directly and not make it into a HUGE deal (which in some ways it can be) i think the son would not spaz out. also, the age of the boy is a factor. if he’s at an age where he is likely to be having sex then his parents should talk with him about it. they should most definately be prepared to answer the questions that will follow! (i.e. “why is it bad” “what’s the big deal” “it’s just sex”)
Cut off ALL of his internet access. If he needs to do research for school, then have him use books and the encyclopedia from the library. If he has to get on the computer, then have mom and dad standing behind him to make sure he is only on the sites he should be on.
Beat his ass. Lol no I’m just kidding. Well, unfortunately, most of the male population *including my guy friends* look at porn. Unless it’s kiddie porn *which is so disgusting and morally wrong, and in which case, I WOULD beat my kid’s ass* or something really gross…basically all I would be able to do is to limit my kid’s access to the computer and tell him that it is inappropriate to look at those kinds of things in my house, especially on the family computer.
I agree with AristotleForDummies on this one…Does the mother pay attention to what television shows her child is watching?…There are just as many bad shows on television as there are internet sites…well, maybe not, but you get the idea
i wonder if the parents would address the issue differently if it were their daughter and not their son?
No big deal. Boys get horny….better that he just looks, rather than posing as a whore in school or something, eh?
time to have the sex talk!
Ok. Just read some of the other comments……….
Cut off all his computer access? Stand behind him if he must use the internet?
Shit…
let’s just shut down his freedom of speech and religion, too, while we’re at it.
Just talk to him if you feel like it is wrong, but don’t force him to stop using the internet. I personally don’t think it’s that big of a deal, but if you do, then just talk to him about it. Make sure he knows that you disapprove of it, but don’t talk to him like he has committed some kind of uber-sin. Your stance on porn should at least make him feel guilty or uneasy next time he does look at porn. Don’t let the talk become out of hand and become an argument, because then porn will become the forbidden fruit that he will constantly seek.
anyone else mention xxxchurch? they have free accountability software.
if the parent knows that it is her child doing it, then she should either place a block on there that prevents him from getting access to those type of pages or monitor her sons time on the computer. if he has a computer in his room, remove it!!!
it should’ve been addressed long before he got to that point…as for how to address it now, just be honest. There are a lot of statistical things that the parents could look up of how it can start out as just curiousity and can accelerate into something much much worse, like rape, etc. He needs to understand this saying that I’ve seen on a t-shirt worn by our old youth pastor: Porn Rapes The Mind!!!
As for dad, get a grip man. Save your son from destroying himself and his life. I’m speaking from personal experience…it’s no fun being the wife in a relationship driven by porn…fortunately by the grace of God, we are no longer in that situation and we are much better. But it’s a very hurtful thing to go through…
I would recommend checking on this issue on a regular basis with the son. It’s not something to take too lightly.
There is a way that would track sites, and e-mail you a report, of what happened on that computer, without having to be on the computer on a regular basis. Many men’s ministry groups around the country are using this as a way to keep each other accountable.
When i get a chance, I’ll forward that information later. But if you’re really interested, check out my site/or e-mail me.
There is also several books out there that deal with the issue of what men deal with on a regular basis, in regards to images that they see…usually porn in all it’s facets. Most women don’t really understand how visual men really are, and it can scare them a little.
Best thing to do with her son, is to sit him down and discuss what is proper and not proper in this area. It may be difficult on both sides, but the reality is the son (or daughter for that matter) will be better off becuase of it.
Be understanding though, as kids first exposed to this area can be extremely embarrased. Realize that they are trying to find out something on their own, and they came across something that is explaining it to them in a wrong way. Best thing to do on this end is to educate them on what’s right, when’s it right.
Be blessed, prayers are with them.
It is a serious issue, but approaching it in a condemning and himiliating way will only make it more awkward for him and possibly close him off from listening to anything you have to say. I would approach it as an intellectual and spiritual issue, and see what he really thinks about it.
But be up front about the fact that you found it. Don’t try to trick him into telling you or anything. Treat him in an adult-like manner about it.
of course! I would never date a guy that I knew looks at porn, and he needs to know that it’s not ok
porn isn’t a big deal unless the acts being done is harmful. it is natrual for anyone to look at porn.
btw, porn is not evil. i just saw a comment that said it is.
Actually, on the first occasion, I’d give him a copy of Hustler, or maybe something even more graphic. I’d make him open the package in front of everyone. I’d watch his reaction. And then at the right moment, I’d ask:
“Why bother with the stuff on the internet? Let me know what other kinds of porn you’d like.”
This would work on all but the densest of kids. If the kid knows no shame, then shame on his parents.
((user)) The_Trinity_N_Me………
Wow. That’s halarious: “porn rapes the mind”
Yeah. Porn is really the root of all evil, just like rock music makes kids kill.
I don’t know what you’re damage was mister, but I know plenty of people who look at porn, and aren’t controlled by it. If porn was the real reason behind your past relationship snag, then I do believe you were in need of a bit more help than simply blocking all your favorite naughty sites. That “sin” was in you before you ever feasted your eyes on girl on girl action (or whatever), the porn itself did not lead you down the “wrong path”…you did.
hellz yeah
As a mature young adult, well, not all the time, I would say from my perspective GOD NO! That is so embarrassing, but also in the perspective of a parent. It’s not like the kid is on drugs. So I suggest that both sides back off of eachother until the problem grows, like addiction.
If the computer is in his room, take it out. Only allow him to use the computer for non-internet, school-related activities (ie, typing a paper). If his friends are into this too, don’t let him go to their houses. Look at what kind of movies he watches (some PG-13 rated movies have soft porn). Make sure that he knows that it is wrong and he knows why it is wrong. Looking at porn is the same as cheating. If you’re not married, then you’re cheating on your future spouse. If you don’t plan on getting married, then it’s still not right.
The same way you always address any other issue of morals and ethics. Explain why it is evil and how it hurts the viewer and person being viewed.
Let the boys be boys.
most deffinitly, and I like the post that missiondriven put up!!!!
I think it should be done privately, preferably by the father. Being an addict for 6 years, I know I wish I could’ve been stopped earlier — instead of stopping myself (which is harder).
(I am clean, except two instances, in the last 7 months)
Definitely talk to the son. Or better yet, talk with the father and decide what steps to take together. Porn is addictive and will warp anyone’s mind concerning respecting women.
sit him down and ask him why he doesn’t have a girlfriend? no just kidding. talk to the boy in a non embarrassing manor.. which im not sure how to do and i don’t have a son.. so id get a good internet blocker =)
Only if she thought her son was abusive and disrespectful toward women. Maybe I am too much of a realist, but if my son were a teenager and he hadn’t seen a naked woman or didn’t have a porn stash, I might worry a little.
Erika
ground the chardy boy.
It is definatley a big deal, porn will define for this young man for the rest of his life how he views women. It should be discussed by both parents but the husband has to be on board with it also.
I really have no clue on this issue.
Thanks for the friend invite.
Porn is not appropriate for the child’s age? Maybe if he were, oh, 35? Then he could do some real damage with it. Porn isn’t appropriate for any age. Porn is looking a set-up sexual situation and feelling your body give a response. Keep it up, and the porn gets pornier. Just like drugs, it’ll take more and more to trigger the bodily response, and by then, you don’t even recognize yourself in the bathroom mirror because you’re a mean, defensive person with a grudge on your shoulders. both of them. Porn can lead to physical violence just like drugs can, too. It’s not innocent, or “normal responses to sexual urges in a young man or teen”. If you think so, maybe you ought to buy your boy some crack to help him cope. Which is worse? They are just alike. Deadly.
It’s whatever, doesn’t every boy do that when they reach a certain age?? I’m sure her son does (or will do) much more than what she just found out anyhow! They should just educate their son on safe sex and leave the porn issue alone….unless you start finding 1-900 numbers on your phone bill. :p
At first my thought would be “kill the boy” but I think tactfully and with love.
no they should not … i got over it without having my parents talk to me
Of course it needs to be addressed.
The sky is not going to fall and imho it is not healthy to discuss sexuality/desires/needs with your children.
As a mom of 5 children I understand how difficult it is to think of our children having sexual urges/curiosity…well it is just a fact of life.
Teach them to be healthy about their bodies.
I am not saying sit them down to all the porn they want but set healthy boundaires.
Trinity ‘n me, maybe so, but my kids and I were led down an unmerry path by their father when he turned form Jesus to porn. Yes, porn is dangerous. I see what you’re saying, but we alll must protect our minds and spirits, and avoiding porn like the plague is one way to do it. My ex- became abusive and really was mean. He had “hidden’ his porn from me and the kids. Our family was broken up, and he still looks at it, from what I understand. Porn is like murder, and any other deadly sin, and will bring disaster if you let it.
Some people really and truly don’t know what they are getting themselves into when they view porn sites or magazines. Then they get hooked, and don’t know how to get off of the addiction. They spend the rest of their lives trying to control its influence on them. I would suggest that you listen to a few ex-porn addicts before you make any judgment of this type. (to be read in the tone of a middle-aged mother who loves you)
Sorry, Trinity, I should have addressed this to Paper cut lola. Paper cut. the above was for you, sweetie.
I’d start with something like:
Hey, I was cleaning the computer today I found some stuff that belonged to you. We need to talk about it.
It is perfectly natural to have an interest in sex and being drawn to looking at such stuff. What is natural is not always good for us though. Just look at the 400 lb guy who loves to eat…it is natural to eat but it not good to eat like he does. The 400lb man is going to end up hurting his body by abusing something that is good in moderation.
Sexual stimulation is fine and healthy in the right time and place. Right now you are young and there are a lot of consequences to having sex at this age. If you continue to choose to do it, it will either/and/or propel you into having sex at an earlier age, make you a raging sexual animal (always thinking about it), and/or the worst case scenario make you bored with normal sex and ready to move onto wild/perverted/risky/twisted sex. There are links between sexual predators and even child molesters and porn. Did the porn make them do it? No. They chose to but fuel was put on the flame.
Ultimately you have to make a choice. The choices you make today may can turn into even more excessive stuff later. One day you may want to ask a woman to marry you. You don’t want her to ever find stuff like this and be hurt that she was not enough stimulation for you sexually. That is how most women will feel. Hurt.
I encourage you to be the kind of man your father is. He is someone I trust and who makes me feel special. He doesn’t ogle every woman he sees and he doesn’t indulge in porn. Start now being the man you want to be. It is work but it is worth it.
————–
okay….that’s all I got 8~)
Porn can be controlling, if that is your weakness, and I don’t know who doesn’t have that weakness. It’ does destroy relationships.
I think it depends on the age of the boy- our 13 yo was grounded from the computer and filters were put up, with our 22 year old we asked him to stop cause to may nasty pop ups were coming on our computer- he got his own computer LOL
How old is he? I’m assuming he’s under 18 still, since he’s living at home. Yes, I would talk to my son about this, if it were me. I don’t see it as being that different from needing to have the sex talk, which needs to happen pretty early in adolecence. I don’t really know what I’d say… i guess try to have an open discussion about his reasons for viewing it, what he likes about it, and how his watching porn affects his own personal life. I personally have no problem with porn AS LONG AS it doesn’t interfere with normal relationships.
Regardless, I’d probably want to put a restriction on unsupervised computer time, which is probably something I’d already be doing with my kids anyway (I don’t want my kids spending more than an hour or 2 a day on tv, computers, or video games combined).
Yes, she should talk to her son about it.
Bah! Let it ride….until the credit card charges start piling up. Seriously. boys look up porn. as long as he isn’t obsessive about it and it isn’t interfereing with his everyday life (say skipping school to look at porn). it’s normal. leave him be.
I dunno… I think it depends how old the boy is.
its wrong and it has no meaning of the word love.
i think it would depend on his age. i would want to talk to my child about it. it’s only normal for kids to explore their sexuality…but with communication you can ‘censor’ them as well as give them precautions.
First of all, it’s not only boys who look at porn. Secondly, It really depends on his age. If he’s younger, have some sympathy on the kid, and don’t send him to hell on earth.
I think the topic should be addressed soon, but not immediately.
The concerned parent should take some time to research the effects of porn. By becoming more informed on the issue, she might be able to sway the husband to her side. It’s too bad the parents don’t seem to be in agreement on what I think is such an important issue.
Every child should be taught about sex at some point, but porn will not give them the needed information. Sure, it’s natural for a child to be curious about sex; in fact, it’s natural for a child to be curious about a lot of things. But the parents should guide that curiousity and provide the necessary information and safety. Curiosity itself should be encouraged.
The parents should be in charge of the home. If they don’t want porn in the home, then they should take steps to — at least try to — remove porn from the house. If a kid over the age of 18 doesn’t like it, he should get his own house with his own rules – or quit complaining.
Computers with an internet connection should be in a common area of the house where use of the internet can be monitored. The parents should also consider installing software which blocks many porn sites.
Are these suggestions foolproof? Of course not. There are no guarantees in life. But that doesn’t mean you stop trying.
I find it amazing how many women are tolerant of porn.
Wow, that is a bad issue there. it should be addressed immediatly.
Do it directly. Kill him w/ embarrassment.
Brother.
Because of the existance of porn, girls believe that they have to look and act like Pamela Anderson to get a decent guy. Porn does nothing to help stop the spread of anorexia, depression, or Britney Spears’ outfits.
But then again, people have to do something about their raging hormones. I just think it’s depressing some girls feel they have to live up to the standards of a pinup girl to be gorgeous.
i dont think i am an appropriate person to answer this question…. but in a crude way, atleast he just watchin it and not actually doing it…
defintaly.
I wouldn’t want my kids to look at it – if I found out my sister was looking at it, I think I might strangle her!
*A*
Hmm, tell him its wrong. Have the Dad tell him. Tell him how it degrades sex. And how it can become aditcting.
The mother will intervene.
[Well.]
Evil is relative…to your belief system. Good bad, sexuality….tabooed sex is in the US and yet we have one of the largest porn industries in the world. We’re hypocrites.
And no, her son should not be punished for fulfilling curiosity and desires when living in such a sexually repressed nation.
And for those Christians out there, God put up guidelines for our protection, but sex should not be viewed as bad or evil. In fact, it should be viewed as pure and good. He didn’t intend for us to act like it doesn’t exist! My advice, be open about sexuality and be understanding, and informative. If we were more like Europe and taught our kids more about sex, we would probably have a much lower teen pregnancy rate and then we could get rid of the current statutory rape laws which lacks any provision of strict liability (ex: a teen says she is over 18, looks over 18, and presents a card that says it and she turns out to be only 17 or 14 [whatever] the man will get jailed for the rape charge anyhow. Why? Because, the law ensures less teens pregnancy. Teen pregnancy means more state welfare. Its all connected!) Let a sexual revolution of safe sex and sexual education commence!!!
first of all, how old is the kid? second of all, im sort of between the two of them.. i dont think its a huge deal, but it would be better if he didnt.
wow, maybe it would be good if she would download some content on why it is not good to look at porn, even some porn stars say they dont look at porn because it is so distructive to the mind, statitics say in a town that has porn readily available has a much higher instance of rape, I definatly would not allow my son to look at porn, after all God wrote in the Bible, who ever looks on a woman and lusts inhis heart has already commited adultery, sounds pretty obvious to me, and anyway how sad is it when a man has to make love to some shiny pages, ????
I am not against sex, I think it is the greatest thing God ever created, but sex out of marriege? sex with paper? all it brings is guilt and shame and an unhealthy attitude towards women,
I’d say yes…this needs to be addressed. But I strongly think that BOTH parents, both the boy’s mother and father need to be in agreement. A house divided against itself can not stand. And honestly…the message needs to be clear from both parents. The mother coming down on him…while the father thinking it’s “no big deal” sends a horribly mixed message. One, that Mom is overreacting and her judgement shouldn’t be taken seriously here. And 2) that Dad really does condone it, indirectly. Pornography is insidious stuff. The boy will grow to think of women like this. It’ll become an addiction – a secret shame – that he’ll carry all his life. His future spouse will always be competing with “another woman” perhaps without even knowing it.
Definately needs to be addressed. Porn cheapens the value of women, and the men who look at it. It leads to all kinds of spiritual, soulish, and physical bondage. Its an addiction that needs to be replaced with something better. I’ve found the better thing, and its WAY worth it.
Many kids don’t care if you discuss it with them or not and will tell you whatever they think you want to hear. Tell them no and take the keyboard and mouse with you when you leave the house. Download cybersitter and set restrictions on it. You have every right to monior where your child goes on the internet. I could not believe the stuff that was on my computer. If anything illegal is accidentally downloaded YOU will be responsible. Not only will your child benefit but others that may have access to the computer will benefit. Even after they are 18 it is still your house and your ISP. Just because they will do it someday or somewhere else anyway doesn’t mean you have to let them now or ever in your house.
They should put like a parental block and discus to him why it’s so bad
its porn. teenage boys and porn are bound to find each other. whats the big deal….?
omg people here who think porn is okay are making me feel sick inside.
They need to talk to that kid. Most people that look at porn when they’re younger become sex offenders when they’re older. (In most cases)
(1) block those types of sites from the computer.
(2) just mention it. embarassment at getting caught can be enough.
My father is a computer technition and he knows how to block things like that so we can’t go to things like that which I’m quite thankful for.
J.J.
My father is a computer technition and he knows how to block things like that so we can’t go to things like that which I’m quite thankful for.
J.J.
My father is a computer technition and he knows how to block things like that so we can’t go to things like that which I’m quite thankful for.
J.J.
My father is a computer technition and he knows how to block things like that so we can’t go to things like that which I’m quite thankful for.
J.J.
My father is a computer technition and he knows how to block things like that so we can’t go to things like that which I’m quite thankful for.
J.J.
My father is a computer technition and he knows how to block things like that so we can’t go to things like that which I’m quite thankful for.
J.J.
My father is a computer technition and he knows how to block things like that so we can’t go to things like that which I’m quite thankful for.
J.J.
My father is a computer technition and he knows how to block things like that so we can’t go to things like that which I’m quite thankful for.
J.J.
Absolutely. Even while disregarding her own values, should she be against porn or not, it is irresponsible of the son to access porn on the family computer because of all the viruses and other spam that could later bombard the computer as a result of the sites he visited.
Oh, I thought you just said “SHOULD” she adress this issue; I didn’t see the “How” at the beginning. Sorry.
As for HOW, I don’t know. Talking is the first thing that comes to my mind, and the most sensible. However, I’m not a parent, so sadly I don’t have experience enough to comment much on this issue.
I think the Father should cowboy the heck up and deal with it man to man!!! The mother should help, but the father knows what the boy is going through. Sorry, ladies, but very few of you have even an inkling of what we deal with in that area. Not a big deal? WHAT KIND OF POOR EXCUSE FOR A MAN IS HE?!
Better get run spyware and antivirus programs as those porn sites are cluttered with them. So I’ve heard.
I don’t have kids. I’m only 19. But when I do have kids, I’m going to be real with them. I’m going to tell them about the meaning of what sex is, and that should be reason enough for them not to look at porn or have premarital sex.
I hope…
It depends how old he is. If he’s old enough for it to be appropriate, I don’t see a problem. As long as he’s masturbating, he’s not out there having sex, getting STDs, and getting girls pregnant.
One additional comment about the whole “degrading to women” issue-
It’s not any more degrading to women than it is to men. There are men in porn too and, though it isn’t as common, a lot of women look at porn or erotica also. It’s not a strictly male thing.
well depending on how old the kid is it might be normal.i mean if he is like 8 or like younger then maybe 14 or 15 then its not normal and i would talk to him and ask.prolly peer pressure or something to deal with the media.
she needs to figure out first why her reaction is that this is wrong> wrong on moral reasons? wrong because it degrades the men and women who engage in these acts? wrong because she finds it embarrassing? wrong because it is age-inappropriate?
once she figures that out, then she can have a convo with her son that will make sense to him — nothing is worse than being told by a parent “you can’t do this because i told you so”. however, if she can explain why she feels it is wrong to her son and why she does not want him viewing those sites, then he can respond with why he wants to view them, and a real dialogue can be established.
she might want to have this same convo with her husband, since it bothers her but not him
it’s all in the process of growing up. let the boy figure it out himself. porn is kinda like a chick having a dildo and stuff. same thing. i wouldnt wanna know what would happen if the kid find his parents doing it one day. it’s equally gross :p
its not a big deal