May 29, 2006
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Dating and Divorce
An issue my sister dealt with was related to her divorce. As she was going through her divorce, her husband and her were separated. He began dating again while they were going through the divorce. She felt uncomfortable with dating while she was still technically married. She felt she needed to wait until the divorce was final.
When is it appropriate to begin dating again while going through a divorce?
Comments (138)
first!
I would not know, I am only a mere ‘teenager’.
Definitely, if it makes you feel better about the divorce you’re going through. Anything to help the pain go away, I suppose.
not sure. i guess whenever it feels right
When one feels comfortable- Its a personal choise I believe.
I would think that you should at least wait until one of you gets served with the papers. Otherwise, it still seems like cheating to me.
I have no idea… but it took me a while before I was ready after my last relationship flopped (and we were never married).
When you know the marriage has ended.
Who cares .. practice polygamy!
Who says polygamy is wrong? Of course … the church.
sounds like my story. my bf now and i started dating while he was going thru his divorce. i waited til he was fully divorced many months later before we had sex for the first time. i think i shouldve waited longer because for some reason, he still wants to be a bachelor.
This is one of those that I have no real life experience to base my answer off of. But I would figure, any time is okay if the two gettting divorced are cool about it. But if it’s a hellish experience, and there’s a real ugly battle for custody over kids or house or whatever, then I would either hold off or keep it real quiet, because it doesn’t look very good no matter what the circumstance to move quickly. Even though it might feel right, people like to assume the worst about someone’s character.
err when the divorce is final… if you started to date someone who was going through a divorce… they might decide to go back to their spouse and then you get screwed over
hmm not sure
although… my parents were seperated for 10 years before they got legally divorced… and they saw other people.. hrmm… i guess it depends on the couple in question.
Anyway. Things are alright. I graduated on Saturday. I’ve got a summer of nothing to look forward to… huzzah? Daniel and I are good, for all intents and purposes. It’s like a rollercoaster, but thankfully I really enjoy rollercoasters. I’m reading a lot. But all in all, nothing truly interesting is going on. Thanks for asking. How are you?
After the divorce?!
At that point the marriage functionally did not exist. All that was left was the bureaucratic paperwork. I think the appropriate time to begin dating is when it feels right to both you and the person you are dating. You do need to be up front that the divorce isn’t final just in case the person you’re dating has an issue with it.
Marriage is between two people and God. All the legality of it was a creation of man to enable society to manage inheritance, property rights, etc. If the marriage had already ended between the two people and God, that was what mattered.
I think once there are separate residences, it’s ok.
RYC: Thank you. I’m actually considering minoring in Philosophy now because I enjoyed this intro class so much. I’ll probably focus on Greek philosophy, since my major is Greek Archaeology.
best to wait till the divorce is final.
if you have children; the decision must be centered around them. if they are very small, they will probably benefit from the security a traditional family provides. if they are nearly up and out i think the parent should wait until they leave the nest. in any case. much self-evaluation must be done before beginning a relationship. in nearly all the cases i have seen the motives are selfish and hurt the children and eventually the parent.
patience. wisdom. waiting. those are good things.
whenever you (and your children if you have them) are ready. there isn’t a set time, or mourning period; it’s about knowing when you’re personally ready to move on with your life, and when your children have come to terms with the divorce. now, i’m not saying that if your children get angry and sullen and yell everytime you bring up dating, that you should never date, but give them a fair chance to adjust and come to terms with what’s happened.
when you feel ready to date again, I don’t think there is a time frame
I think it is an individual thing and each person should begin to date again when they feel comfortable.
Ahhhhhhhhhhh.
Definitely wait until the marriage is officially over – it’s the only decent thing to do for yourself, your spouse and also legally – dating while still married just seems legally risky, to me, especially if you have children. And anyway, shouldn’t people at least allow a few months, if not more, of healing and regrouping to pass before starting anything new? Makes sense.
If children are involved, you also have to do what you think is best for them. Ditto what New Day says. If they are young, they would most likely benefit from traditional family. If way older, they may resent someone new.
As soon as you feel fine with it. But, I do think that should take place after the divorce has occured
28!
AND 29!
when you are divorced. It is the incentive to bring things to finality.
This, again, entire depends on the person and the circumstances. A dating situation may be the cause of the divorce, as so famously with Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston; then again, there may be a situation where a parent concentrates on their young children and decides not to date until the situation has settled down after the divorce. There are no pat answers whatsoever.
There is nothing appropriate about violating the vows of the marriage covenant which is to be kept holy.
First, divorce is bad unless it’s because of infidelity.
In cases of infidelity: I don’t really think the government should have the right to say whether your married or not. If you and your spouse agree that you’re not married, you’re not married. It’s sort of a personal commitment, not a federal commitment. Thus, the one who was faithful is free to seek another spouse. The unfaithful partner has some things to repent of, and should not seek another spouse as it would be adultery.
In cases of death: The living spouse can go ahead and look for another spouse if they want to.
In all other cases: Divorce is not a viable option. If two people are divorced for any reason besides infidelity, it would be adultery to be with another person.
My reason? Marriage (+ sex) make two people one, both in a spiritual and in a physical sense. People should seek to preserver that unity. Anyone other than God who divides that unity is guilty of a terrible sin.
From my Christian perspective: Certainly not before the divorce. Then again, I’ve known people who started dating again shortly after the honeymoon. There are lots of ideas out there about the meaning of marriage. I’m surprised marriage is still so prevalent.
I would definitely want friends around if I was going thru a divorce.
My personal understanding of the Bible is that it forbids remarriage.
all depends on the person.
i thinkthat he should have waited until they were officially divorced before he started dating again.
Yes, my parents dated while they were separated. They were living in separate homes and wanted to companionship. My sister and I were 11 and 9 so we were old enough to understand what was going on. They got back together on my 13th birthday though
I would say that’s a no no. Not a big fan of divorce. Shouldn’t there be a grace period where you and the person you start dating are friends for a few months first?
When ever you are ready to.
Amanda
When the divorce is final. Not like Brad and Angelina
Hi Dan!
personally i dont think so but so many do
and thanks ! =)
No, not at all.
I mean — if they were — no.
Can’t do that.
You know, it just occured to me that there should be a Dan theme song.
{Starts humming.}
I would want to wait until the divorce is final, but hey, different strokes for different folks.
as much as you want to say “i will never date until it’s officially final”, you can’t. because what if you find that perfect person as the process is going on? are you going to let them just leave? i hope not.
After the Divorce is final.
Well, considering I’ve never been married and expposed to many divorces in my 15 years being here, I would say it doesn’t matter. Once my mom and dad were only seperated my mom found a boyfriend and has been through him since. On the other hand, my friend’s mom is about to get married again, and she was just divorced about a year and a quarter ago.
Married is what they are until the last paper is filed.
I think it’s okay when they no longer live together and they know they are going to get divorced. Sometimes circumstances prevent them from getting a divorce right away but, as far as they are concerned, the marriage is over. At that point, go ahead and date.
After the divorce is finalized.
she is right
i would think you would give even more time that that, just to let your head clear from the emotion of the divorce
but, that’s just me
and i hope to never have to face this question personally
Divorce isn’t something a person “goes through.” People today use language that makes it sound almost like an illness or accident or natural disaster instead of the convenant-breaking decision it really is, an event in which at least one person involved, usually both to some degree, bear responsibility for it. I’m not responsible when a tornado hits my house or a flu bug keeps me home from work; somebody (at least one somebody and very often two somebodies) is responsible for a divorce, every single time.
Thank you for the Happy Birthday wishes! When I have more time, I’ll come back and check out your site more. It looks like you talk about some interesting things.
I think it should be put off until the divorce is official. In my mind it would still be considered adultery if you didnt wait…
Once the divorce is final.
After the divorce is final, papers are signed, and the people are officially no longer married.
Whenever you are personally comftorbal.
I agree with your sister
If they were separated, I think so.
While for certain circumstances, such as abuse, adultry, etc, the Bible does allow divorce, the Bible is pretty clear that for someone to marry someone who is divorced is a sin. So, I’d say that after a divorce, the only time that someone should consider dating again would be after their first spouse has passed away. I know my answer isn’t popular, and may seem “unrealistic” to many, but I’m just going by what the Bible says.
im only a teenager, but i would think, after everything is settled and all the custody and crap is settled. then its alright. but during the devorce wile everything is going on with trials and everything, then its not alright
In general I would say, when you are comfortable with it. Obviously if she was not comfortable then it is not yet time. As a Christian I would say that yeah you should wait until the divorce is final, otherwise it is adultry. But depending upon why you were divorced that may or may not make a difference anyway. I think it’s one of those issues that everyone has to search their own heart on.
Interesting question. I would think that when two people are going through a divorce, neither really cares who gets hurt, so personal preference generally prevails.
i like there answer —>Breath_Of_Dawn
i think its true, but it still isnt alright
(sorry for double posting)
I don’t think it’s appropriate to date at all while getting a divorce.
From what I heard from a counselor, you should wait a year for every five years you were married to start dating again.
Besides.. I would think it would be disrespectful to start dating during a divorce.
But that’s just what I think, and I wouldn’t really listen to me much, i’m a bit on the “young” side.
For me I would probably wait until after the divorce is final. I would feel wrong dating before it was finalized, but also that prevents the person you are dating from being dragged into the whole mess.
I dated an older man (with kids) just before his divorce was final. And although his intentions were good, and we actually got engaged, it soon became clear that I was *probably* just a rebound relationship. We broke up, with no ill-will between us, just a better understanding of who we were. But I like to think that perhaps I was there to help soften the blow of the fact that his ex was already dating and I think living with someone else. Besides, his family and kids liked me anyways…
Dan,
Don’t know if you’ve read it, but yesterday I picked up a C.S. Lewis book called “The Great Divorce.”
It’s worth buying just for the preface…
Here’s the link to the preface, if you haven’t ever read it: http://www.jknirp.com/lewis6.htm
If you’d like to borrow the book when I am finished, shoot me an e-mail…
I don’t think there is an appropriate time during or after divorce. Marriage is for life and the fact that you choose to dissolve the union does not eliminate its validity.
Divorce is such an ugly thing I am very sorry for your sister. That is a very awkward situation. It is kinda like getitng kicked in the teeth. The divorce should be finalised.
At least wait until the divorce is finalized.
After the divorce is final. After after after.
When there no longer is any hope.
I think it is somewhat individual, but generally, if the divorce is final and the only thing left is paperwork…they are already divorced, they just don’t have the paperwork finished. The only thing paperwork matters is to the outside world, if the relationship is over and they are getting divorced…they are divorced for all intensive purposes
after it’s all over
My Dad did the same thing. While my mother has still to get back fully into the dating scene, my Dad dated right away. He married again within weeks of the divorce and regretted it fully as he was too brash about picking a new wife. He is paying the price for this marriage as she sued him for his retirement. While I think my mother has been too cautous, I think my father has been too quick. When ending such a imtimate relationship, I would think you need time to think and pray before you move on.
after you’re totally divorced…?
I’d say wait until the divorce is final but then again I’ve never been in that situation – and hopefully never will – so I can’t say for sure. It seems, like some people here have said, it depends on the person.
whenever you’re ready AFTER the divorce is final
Of course afterwards.
Unless some people get off on making their ex-spouse jealous.
But in my opinion, which is odd coming from a pre-teen who has never been married/divorced nor has had gone through that with their parents, I think people should stay out of the game for a while. From what I see, they are very difficult processes, and if I were in that situation, I don’t think dating would be a good thing. But hey, I have the rest of my life to think of those things.
I think its okay to start dating again when divorce proceedings begin BUT that its a personal choice.
when the divorce is final b/c even though you’re seperated you are still technically married and so technically you are cheating
God Bless,
Ashley
After the divorce.
When there is nothing more to say…
I think it’s a personal choice of what you feel comfortable with….some people feel it’s adultry and some do not….but technically if you listen to the bible, anything you do after a divorce is going to be considered adultry anyway, even getting married again, so does that argument work? Not to mention, some people are a little too comfortable dating while they are married period….
RYC: that park is my kids favorite one…but you should see the splintes they get from it!:)
Slow down, eager clown!
Sometimes being married is just a legal status on paper.
I can be kind of old-fashioned in that respect, I guess. I would wait at least 6 mo after the divorce, but only have platonic relationships before then, Better than being on the rebound, and grabbing a ‘quick fix.’
Whatever you feel the most comfortable with. As long as you let the person that you are dating that you have not yet finalized the divorce.
*Know
What every happend to “For better or for WORSE?!?” Don’t people get divorced in the WORST of times? Divorce is a direct violation of a sacred covenant not only to your spouse, but to all present when you made that vow, including God.
For me… I wanted to be completely finished before really pursuing anything. My ex started dating someone almost immediately after he moved out… My theory is that if you don’t “finish” something before you start something new 2 things can/will happen…
1) The new something will be compromised by the old something
2) The same types or relationship habits will be present, ultimately resulting in failure (again)
Essentially it’s up to the individual… but my theory seems to hold some merit from the examples i’ve seen (like my ex)
Good luck to your sister =)
No.
AHAHAHA!
When I was in the hospital getting a round of steroids to slam down my immune system, which was destroying my central nervous system at the time, the girl I was dating called me up late one night…
And she dumped me!
She did that so she could have sex with her ex guilt free, as I lay in bed with tubes coming out of me. You know, cause she dumped me, so it was ok to fuck him!
She didnt visit me once, and my 600 pound friend with giantilism pain and arthiritis and my oldest freind, my own mother flew 1000 miles to see me, but this girl, this girl did not. She cavorted around the other campus with her ex free from the responsibility of giving a flying rats ass about me!
Dont worry, I got her back plenty good, it certainly didnt end there.
Lets think sideways. You dont love who you are with, or you love someone else more. Does it matter if the divorce is final? Who cares, jeez, just go date, go fuck, hit it and quit it, be cruel! The pain the ex would feel would hurt for a shorter period of time then to lie and pretend, act nice and go through the motions of not being a selfish parasite FUCK.
I was the guy getting tugged along so a bad woman could not feel guilty. It makes me SICK.
whenever you feel you are emotionally ready.
It depends on whether you mean legally appropriate (which according to most judges is once the divorce decree has been signed) or emotionally appropriate (which I think is when you’re ready). I do think that if you have children you should wait until you’re legally divorced to jump back in the pool.
When the two people feel they have divorced, not when the government finally bogs through hte red tape and realises that they’re divorced.
Not until it’s final. No one wants to date someone who’s married. Plus, the person needs to give themselves time to grieve the end of their marriage.
when they are no longer emotionally attached to the other person…or see them as wife/husband.
Technically married is still married.
Wait until it’s final, and then move on.
Whenever the hell you want to.
i had people who wanted to date me while i was separated, but i didn’t feel right about it …. we did not divorce because we fell out of love…. i didn’t feel truly interested in dating until i met my husband, 10 years after my separation and 8 years after my divorce…
but everyone’s timing is different….. it will depend on why someone gets divorced as much as how they feel about divorce in general… even if the question is do i feel it is morally right to date prior to a divorce being final, i’m not sure i would have a clear answer.
most likely the moral and prudent thing is to wait until the divorce is final… but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to do…
oh, and good luck to your sister… our separation took 18months, and i mourned the entire time…. it took a very long time to get over….
when things feel right. no fair in him going out and having fun while you sit at home with a broken heart. i went through the same thing and its nice to get out amongst people that care about you. makes you feel good. wonders for your self confidence. if you happen to meet someone, no reason to wait. he didnt.
if you had a real reason for divorce (such as the person cheated on you or left you) then ok, divorce, but i think you should wait until it’s finalized on paper.
See Matthew 19 and 1 Corinthians 7 for Biblical information concerning divorce.
When it comes to a married man who is on divorce and it’s separated is dating they don’t say he’s wrong but when it comes to a woman… they call her a ho’ and that’s not right. Both have to get their lives fixed to get into a new relationship. Because I know that men when they’re separated they’re looking for a new pootang to fuck while women are drowned on everything.
Wait ’til it’s over.
My lawyer advised me to remain celebate until after the divorce.
L,r
I hate divorce…..I don’t know when it is appropriate………but what’s the difference really if you are getting ready to be divorced or one day later?? It all sucks.
It would seem disrespectful to the person that you are dating.
> If dating is an experiment to see if you’ve made a proper decision about getting a divorce, then good; if you are looking at reconciling the situation, I applaude your efforts at attempting to work it out. But if you went at the date with the idea of rekindling the flame, look at whether you’ve resolved whatever issues brought it to that point.
Good Luck n Peace
It’s like going through a break up, because that’s what a divorce is. breaking of the marriage. There’s a fine line between Dating, and just going out to be Social. I agree with whom ever said what ever helps ‘the pain’ go away, but I’d like to say “what ever helps you move on”
When both people in the marriage agree that their marriage is over.
Whenever it feels right. Although I do think you should wait until you are officially divorced. I know that when my parents got divorced, my father did not feel comfortable dating for a LONG time, but a month after the divorce was final, my mother was already dating again.
I guess it’s individual, but it seems kind of tacky to me
When you feel ready, and when your spouse feels ready. This is something both need to discuss.
only if they were 100% sure that the divorce was going to happen . . . but i suppose only they could make that decision – no one else’s opinion should matter
Hi!
-Felicia A.K.A Baby-Yanksta
Not until your former spouse is dead. The Bible is very clear on that; If you get a divorce, even if your wife leaves you, you must remain unmarried. It’s simple, clear-cut, black-and-white.
I think the divorce needs to be final. Thanks for always thinking of such great questions.
after the divorce
To each their own convictions – but I think it’s better to wait until the divorce is final. You probably can’t think too good until well after that anyway.
I hate how men always seem to think its just fine to see someone else etc, and the poor woman crys and suffers, today i feel like all young men should be castrated and spat at! Grr (Sorry Guys) I only mean the cheating or nasty men!
Check the Bible. It’s got clear details on divorce.
A lot of people think that something written 4000 years ago is “out of touch.” it’s not. God is eternal, and knows about our issues now just as much as he knew about the guys who wore robes, long beards, and sandals.
God hates divorce. It splits up families, generates hate, and just makes the mood unhappy in general. There’s no “set age” to begin dating again. As a die-hard Christian, I don’t believe in dating around, premarital sex, etc.
For an in-depth study on Christian dating and marriage, which usually is the longest-lasting, read “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” and “Boy Meets Girl” by Joshua Harris.
And, for the record, I’ve never been in a relationship before. Heck, I’m 14.
When you are emotionally ready for it.
I think both parties need to give their consent.
It won’t be cheating if you have permission.
God does not recognize a “divorce decree” written up by mere men. Nor does he recognize a marriage decree written by men to men (by men I mean mankind, I am not being sexist). God recognizes marriage as a commitment a couple makes to each other, as well as to God. Divorce or no divorce you should stick with one partner your whole life. Even if you “divorce” I believe that you have an obligation to at least stay single for the rest of your life, because God still sees you as having a commitment to stay faithful to the one you committed your life to in marriage.
What is the difference between poligamy, which most of society views as being wrong, and just marrying a bunch of women at different times in your life, and having sex with multiple women all the time? I believe that poligamy not only encompases being married to more than one woman, or man, but also being in sexual relations with more than one partner throughout your life. People should just make wiser decisions, and learn to stick it out.
Even if a man and a woman get divorced or legally separated, I do not believe that they should have a second chance at marriage. They screwed it up.
There is no steadfast correct answer for all … but there are generalities and considerations.
If you want to decide the answer to this question based on a sense of propriety and common sense that holds true for many people much of the time, then wait until after the divorce is final.
If the couple is absolutely sure it’s over, then the final divorce decree is mostly a formality and division of property/funds. Some couples have potential to reconcile even though they might at times feel sure that they want a divorce. People are complicated.
On the other hand, some couples should not stay married (especially if risky sexual behaviors, domestic and/or substance abuse are involved), and a real split may have taken place long before they actually separate.
That doesn’t necessarily mean that dating upon separation and filing is wise — if it takes that many years to screw things up then it can take a while to heal.
It’s too common to hear both men and women wondering how they could have ended up with yet another abuser/cheater … wondering how they didn’t see it coming and didn’t read all the signs … again!
In order to attract a healthier mate one has to become a healthier person, and that takes time.
However, while warnings about dating on the rebound often prove all too true, for numerous reasons, there are always those few that prove that advise incredibly wrong. I really do think they’re the exception though, but they certainly do exist.
it is not legal. it is accutally illegal. her still technical “husband” could take her to court and charge her with a great deal of money. it would be unwise to “date.” but if she were to go to “lunch” or something of that nature with a man, that would be legal.
I believe, because it is a respect issue, not only for the other person but for yourself and God,that you should wait until it is all final and finished.
If you are getting divorced for your partner being unfaithful then after the divorce is final! If for any other reason then never!
even though I am a teenager, I believe it is right to wait until the divorce is final.
jesus said that divorce under any circumstance other than unfaithfullness is adultery. i think most people get married and divorced to quickly these days. its become normal. and that scares me.
I think it is a personal choice
Eh…can’t be good for her divorce lawyer…
“Oh, they were having an affair!!”
I believe there isn’t a rule for the appropriate time to begin dating again while going through a divorce. It is up to the parties involved in this situation to decide that.