February 23, 2007
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Dating Multiple People
I was just reading this letter to Prudence on slate.com:
“Dear Prudie,
I am 24 years old and recently ended a three-year relationship. I was excited to get back into the dating world, and am of the opinion that a date is just that, and there’s no harm in dating several people since it’s unlikely things will progress further than a first date. I was wrong. I’ve been dating three men for the past month. There’s “Todd,” a divorcé with a young daughter; “Chris,” an engineer; and “Matt,” a graduate student. (I also recently met “Adam,” a police officer, but we’ll leave him out of this for now.) I’m a bit of a prude (pardon the expression), so nothing untoward has taken place with any of the three. However, when I met them I told each that I wasn’t in a relationship. Technically, I’m still not, but I feel like I’m lying when I avoid telling them I’m dating other people. I feel horrible saying something vague like, “I’m having dinner with a friend,” when one wants to make plans but I already have plans with one of the other two. I truly enjoy the company of each, and I’m not looking for another long-term relationship now. How do I—and should I—tell each that he’s not the only one? I’m under the assumption that each thinks he is, and I’m the only woman each of them is dating. Am I just enjoying my newfound freedom too much? Or am I overthinking this whole situation?—Struggling With Juggling” Here is the link: Link
Is it ok to date multiple people and not tell them?
Comments (99)
hay
It depends on how seriously you’re dating each one.
i just wanted to say your profile looks great through the snap preview shower on the new updated xanga!
Meh.
I disagree with it.
No, it’s not okay
Not really.. that’s kinda harsh.
I don’t think so. With relationships, honesty really is important.
My question is why can’t she just be friends with any of them instead of “dating” them? What’s wrong with a platonic relationship?
first page, babay.
I’m not sure… cause if it isn’t. It’d be more crushing to the person when he found out… theres no win-win in this.
If you aren’t serious, why not? Dating is supposed to be fun, not marraige.
She should either date one of them, or just be friends with them.
*marriage
I think you should be upfront about everything. One-or all of them may actually be looking for someone serious while she is not. This saves alot of grief in the long run.
sounds like ‘struggling’ is having trouble sleeping at night -
I think she should tell them they are not the ONLY one she is seeing.I know if i was one of the three i would drop her quick if i found out about the other two. Mostly because she hid it.She needs to be honest with them.
No.
no
no, not really.
You should be upfront about everything. Things might go wrong: One might find out about the other, one might fall in love &tc. who knows?
Also, in my Forensics class we were doing a case about the guy that was dating six different women at once. It didn’t work out as he’d planned.
Hell, I’ve done it.
But then, I treat everyone like a two-dollar whore.
No its cheating. Even if its not officail it makes them look like a whore
I think it’s okay if the guys know about it. Also, if you only go on a date once or twice a month with the person, I think it’s safe to assume that neither of you is being exclusive. However, you should always ask just in case. Glad to know that you read Dear Prudence! It’s one of my favorite advice columns.
It’s ok to date around, but as long as you are straight to the people and tell them that you are not in the mood to be exclusive just yet. However, if the girl or any girl in this position does this for several months, then a decision needs to be made asap. After awhile, it becomes cheating.
sure it is. the more the merrier.
Sure. If you want to be an asshole.
NO!
Of course it is ok. You’re not MARRIED. It’s called dating! Girls do it all the time!
BF/GF is different then dating so if you have a bf or gf then it’s not cool, but if you’re just DATING of course its ok.
Uhm. As long as the rules are laid out, and it’s made as plain as day that you’re not interested in a serious relationship.
Then yes, it’s ok to date numerous people at once. ……… As long as you’re not married or already in a relationship.
You reposted this. After I
1) lost my long comment.
2) lost my #2 spot.
We’re still in a fight, Dan.
If they understand that its an open relationship like that, then it’s fine.. but it doesn’t seem like the other parties know how the writer is viewing it, so that’s not acceptable.
I never got open relationships anyway.. “Hey, I like you, but.. not enough to commit to you!
”… what is that?
definitely not
sure go ahead if you want to be a stinky butthole
noo…
isnt that what being young is all about?
Dating is supposed to be about meeting people and having a good time. There is no reason that someone can’t be casually seeing more than one person at a time, especially if they are only seeing each other a couple of times a month. However, once you start seeing someone more frequently you need to define the relationship with this person as well as with the others. The others need to be told that the relationship with them will not be getting serious, but needs to remain at the level of friendship.
I don’t think it’s right.
No.
It’s probably alright for the first few dates, but if things are moving beyond that with any of them then you need to tell them.
NO!
i can’t get a date to save my life, and there are some out there with multiples. that actually pisses me off alot. if i was dating her and found out, that would be the last date we would have.
Are you kidding? Of course not!
yeh, should tell them. that way they know upfront that they’re not going to get a serious, committed, monogamous dating relationship out of you.
Honesty is key. Sure it’s gonna be awkward to bring up the subject of whether or not you and your date are seeing other people. Early on, you might not want to bring up the topic of ” going steady” with a single partner; it can feel like you are rushing things, becoming too serious too soon.
If she was making it clear to each guy that the relationship was casual, I might be inclined to not judge her. But she crossed the line when she said there wasn’t anyone else. She implies that her notion that “a date is just a date” may not be shared by each man, yet she has not sought to figure that out for sure. She is knowingly trying to dodge around the truth with these three guys.
If she assumes that each guy is expecting an exclusive relationship and yet fails to act on that knowledge, then she’s knowingly stringing along at least two of those guys, maybe all three. That, I think, is wrong.
never
I think it is important to tell them you are not looking for anything deep, but at the same time, dating is there for you to test out people and see who works best for you. So I am not so sure on this one.
Sheesh. She’s a fruitcake. No it’s not all right. She should have been up front with them about the relationship,or as it appears the lack of one.
Yeah dating someone more than once and not wanting a long-term relationship is just harmful to the other person who might want something. Just got dumped by my girlfriend tonight.
Dating does not imply a relationship, but you really should be honest with the people you are seeing.
No.
If you’re looking for friends, then tell the people. If they want to be friends also, then there’s no problem. But in my opinion, you shouldn’t date more than one person at a time. If it doesn’t work out with one person, then you can move on easily. This “Struggling with Juggling” person, is pretty much screwed, and its her own fault.
My initial reaction: crazy bitch! I can hardly find time to date one person, let alone three. She must be very, very sneaky or creative. I really think she should just choose one then if it doesn’t work, fall back on choice number two. It would just take too much damn effort to juggle all three and when (or if) the truth finally comes out the shit will hit the fan.
having been “one of the many” very recently myself, it made me feel like a fool. If you are going to date a lot of people at once then you ought to at least be open about it. There are many ways to communicate that you are that type and the best way to do that is to not exaggerate your feelings for any of them. but when you hide your other significant (or not so significant) others from each other you are being cruel and completely selfish. You are lying about what your intentions and feelings really are even ifyou never verbalize these things.
Only if you wouldn’t mind them doing it to you.
Ok, sike.
At all times in any given relationship with the opposite sex I believe that both parties involved should be on the same “page” with each other as far as how each of them views the relationship. Otherwise someone in the relationship ends up getting used and/or hurt. That’s just the way it is. Or at least the way I’ve experienced it.
No.
honesty is always the best policy .
I think one must define “date” first. If by date, you mean go to dinner. Then I suppose yes, it could be perfectly alright.
But if it is leading someone on into a false situation, I don’t think it should be untold. I myself am a swinger. I am young, have lost quite a bit of time in false realities, and honestly don’t desire a long term relationship based around monogomy. I tell everyone whom wants to be with me, that I am not looking for a serious relationship, and that I do sleep around occasionally, or spend my time with other women.
I feel that honesty is the best policy in all situations; any time that you don’t feel right about a situation like that, you should be honest about it.
I don’t think it’s right at all. But I really shouldn’t judge other people’s dating strategies. I’m just the kind of person that’s really loyal, honest, and doesn’t date just “for fun.” I don’t understand the concept of dating for fun… Isn’t that like having sex for fun with someone you aren’t serious with? What happened to love?
I would never date more than one person at a time in the first place. But I guess not everyone is like me.
If you want to date multiple people, you need to make sure they ll know that you’re not being exclusive. That gives them the green light to date others, too. You don’t have provide details about who you’re dating, etc (unless maybe if they specifically asK) but it does need to be clear that the relationship isn’t serious and that you’re not in a comitted relationship.
If you are in an actual “relationship” then dating multiple people is called cheating.
well its just dating…its not like your in a real relationship yet so its not cheating….well just hope they dont get jealous when they find out haha
Prudence doesn’t seem to mind.
when i read this on slate, my first thought is that it was okay — she’s not doing anything “untoward” (and probably not confessing her love to any of them, either), so i think that it’s okay that she’s dating multiple people. i just wouldn’t hide the fact that i was doing so, if i were in her shoes.
jesus. just imagine if that was from a man
Might as well shop around….
’nuff said…
no
Sure, but be honest. Besides, they may be dating other people too.
It is alright to date multiple people as long as you haven’t promised to be exclusive with any of them. You should be upfront and honest about it, though, so all parties involved are on the same page.
No
A relationship built on a lie will only fall apart later, honesty always prevails
No, you may not be lying directly but there will be lies.. Someone will always be hurt, especially if there is sex involved, that’s just gross!
Anything after the second date that continues should be exclusive in my oppinion. It isn’t right to lead men on like your serious with them only if you arn’t.
at the beginning, yes. but any relationship is based on trust, and if you really want to have a good relationship with someone, you have to tell them that they’re not the only person. I for one think that telling someone everything is the only way to have a good relationship, and leaving out that they’re not the only guy is a rather big something.
nah, you should let them know. unless it’s really casual.
If you’re not interested in a serious relationship, there is nothing wrong with multiple dating. Does she know for a fact they the men are not dating others, or is she just assuming. It could be that they, too, are multiple dating. How would she feel if she discovered that they were multiple dating? Probably fine, if she’s not looking for anything serious. If they aren’t having sex, then my call would be that it shouldn’t even be an issue. It’s a date, after all, and not a marriage.
Next time, instead of saying she is having dinner with friends, she should say, “I’m having dinner with Tom.” That would be an easy way to slip it in without creating a major discussion about it. If a discussion occurs and the man involved wants exclusivity, then it is only fair that the discussion come up and he be made free to date others if he chooses.
I think its ok, as long as you tell them You are Not ready to date seriously- you dont have to tell them about the other people in your life- just that you are Not ready for some thing serious….
No, I think you’re just fooling around too much. If you want to date, actually know the person before you dive way over you’re head.
No.
well, when the guy figures it out he can decide for himself whether or not he wants to date someone who is triple-timing him. i think it’s up to him. i personally probably wouldn’t do that but the opportunity has never really presented itself so i really don’t know.
I just know that I would want to know if someone I was seeing was seeing other people, especially if I was convinced that we were going steady.
I saw this on the MSN frontpage.
I believe a person should be *straightforward* .. and just let the other person know where they stand, and if something should evolve from that .. then .. whatever; but one should be cautious about this type of behavior, for while it seems harmless enough in theory, often, situations can backfire.
She should just be upfront & tell them she’s not looking for a serious relationship or being exclusive at the moment. This could casually be stated at the end of any date with any of the 3 (or all– and after the guy has paid!). I can understand someone who just got out of a 3 year relationship and just wants to have FUN! And it sounds like they all are stable, intelligent guys… I say rock whatcha got!
I don’t see any problem with dating a few people at once, but if it starts getting more serious, I think she should pick one to be fair to the others.
not really… people should date one person and if it doesn’t work out, then move on to another one..
no probably not.
but it could be worse.
I’m not a fan. Mostly because of my thoughts about dating. I wouldn’t be happy with a girl who was dating 2 other guys, even if it was just going out to a movie.
I don’t see a legitimate point in dating someone when you’re not looking for a long-term relationship.
sure you can, but that’s not going to get you anywhere good.
dating more than one person shows you’re uncommitted and unwilling to.
I would be bothered if I was dating someone who was dating someone besides me. And if he did it behind my back, I would be even more angry!
sure, if you want to be cheated on ur relationship too
I don’t think so. With relationships, honesty really is important.
My question is why can’t she just be friends with any of them instead of “dating” them? What’s wrong with a platonic relationship?
Posted 2/23/2007 9:56 PM by streetlights_flicker
I totally agree. You can just be friends with someone, and then you don’t “break up”. Then if you end up marrying this person you have a great start, and if you marry someone else, that friend is happy for you.
I believe that dating or having any romantic relationship with people other than the one you know God has set up to be your spouse just sets up divorce and entices jealousy.
no its not okay
This story brings back memories. LOL
Hey, dating is just that “dating”. Dating means you are seeing multiple people. However, she should make it clear to each guy, that she is “dating” and does not want to get serious which means not date only him.
I would tell them. From the start.
Hi, I am an old guy of 73, married 51 years, and retired 11. It is not cheating. Cheating really starts after you put the ring on your finger. One reason I have been married 51 years is neither one of us cheat. When we dated for a while, I asked her to go ‘Steady.’ I guess that is still done. Then you don’t date anyone else. God bless you.
Frank
duh. you can date as many people as you want. and yes there is a way to date multiple people and not feel guilty. if they address you with questions regarding the situation, just tell the truth. and it doesn’t mean you’re a slut or an asshole.. life should not revolve around trying to be in a serious relationship with the opposite sex all the time. you can have fun, too.
i don’t think so, not if you are “dating” them. but, just going out as friends and having fun would be different.
Look on the other side of the coin. I’m a 52 yo fella, @ 16 I had three girlfriends, I was still a virgin. I was accused and never ever forgiven even to this day. Do I think you are right having three fellas on the go. Think about it.
I think you should be upfront about everything. One-or all of them may actually be looking for someone serious while she is not. This saves alot of grief in the long run.
Posted 2/23/2007 10:00 PM by k8tthelate
Yep. She may be having her ol’ bit of fun, but if those men will fall in love with her (hope not, she’s a…never mind) watch their hearts break when she says “Oh, I only did it for fun, ’cause you know, I’m not serious about relationships anyway because my previous boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me and I was traumatized so I decided to do pretty much the same thing to others. So no, I won’t marry you.”
I definitely don’t think its okay.
I don’t think so. I wouldn’t want to date anyone who was dating a bunch of other people, also. That would make it seem like a contest or something. How confusing.