December 17, 2007
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Friend Lock
I had someone complain one time about people on friend lock and I posted about it. If I remember correctly the person was upset because people would discuss issues on my site and even say things about other users and yet the person was on friend lock. I didn’t see a problem with it.
But recently I had two people who consistently comment on my site. They come by and discuss every day or they do often. I went to check on these sites and the people were on friend lock.
So I sent each of the people a friend request. Two of these people declined my friend request. So I have at least two people who comment consistently on my site who are on friend lock and they have declined me.
Is it fair to comment on someone’s site but not add them to your friend list when you are on friend lock?
Comments (120)
I
No, completely not. IF they don’t want your readers to view their sites they can still accept your friends request.
I was first!
Ok, now.. I think it’s stupid and I think they’re talking shit about you, Dan! Maybe you should block them from your site? How about that? I bet they would LOVE that!
Bwahahahaha. Have a good Monday!
Eh, they shouldn’t be rude.
i think it’s rude.
I do not know
I will not have the friend lock on mt site, I only allowed comments who are xanga users apart from the guest book which is open to all.
I am all ready to use the block list if people becoming abusive I need to, so far I only had to block 1 and he has had site shutdown.
I think everyone is entitled to privacy whether or not they choose to be friends with you.
I’ve been sent the ‘friends’ thing and declined to accept the offer when/if I couldn’t access their site or I did read their blog and found that it wasn’t something I was interested in.
No. Actually, it seems kind of cowardly to say thing about other people and then friendlock your site…
ya. how is it rude, it’s the internet?????
No but life isn’t always fair!
whenever I’ve done friends lock I couldn’t last more then a day (actually it was several one of the times but that’s because I momentary forgot how to change the settings)
I think anything that acts as a censor is bad. . .
“Friends-lock” (what a lovely picture, only for friends to see) is about the worst there is.
But if that’s the only way someone feels confident writing their feelings, then that’s just what you gotta do.
friend lock is cool haha
YES, I have shutdown lock … hihihi
Strikes me as rude. Activating ‘Friends Lock’ is an implicit message that you don’t trust the Internet and only want people you know and trust to be able to talk to you. Going then and commenting elsewhere means you expect others to have that trust in you that you don’t have in them–especially if they request Friend access and you then deny them. It’s somewhat hypocritical.
To tell the truth, I find the concept of Friends Lock to be incongruous with the whole ‘Internet community’ concept inherent in Xanga. I understand some people will use it because they want a private blog that only their friends can see, an isolated island in the midst of the www ocean, but then don’t expect to be part of the Internet community while still maintaining your island. That’s wanting to have your cake and eat it too.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. What does their commenting on your site really have to do with whether they are willing to share what they have written with you or whether they consider you a friend?
Each person’s blog is different. Some people include more personal things than others and some people aren’t as willing to open up and share that content with strangers. I don’t see why you should expect them to.
life isn’t always fair though.
hmmm….. interesting question of etiquette/protocol here.
If there was a way to message the person w/o friendslock blocking you there wouldn’t be a problem, however, the only message you can send is a friend’s request.
Until Xanga allows a message to get through, I’d say it is bad form. You can always leave a comment in response on your own blog to create a conversation in comments. I know you usually don’t do that, but I have seen it done successfully, like on MidValcre’s site.
I think friends lock is for pussies who are either afraid of people not agreeing with them constantly, or they’re too fucking stupid to realize what a community is.
seriously, i feel that friend lock is completely pointless, because if you want to have privacy, then don’t post anything that you don’t want people to read, or make it private. in a perfect fair world, they shouldn’t be on friend lock and comment consistently, however whatever they want to do to seem like assholes is their business, and if you think about it dan you have a huge other community of people who comment frequently and aren’t on friend lock =]
So yes, it’s highly unfair. I delete people who sub to me with friends lock on.
It’s not fair, but life never is. At least you can be glad that you’re not like them! That’s what I always think when someone is rude or offensive to me.
That’s one of my peeves.. They come in mine but you can’t go in there. It is just rude.. It’s like masked man who came into your home and nosy around and left.. You are wondering why? or who? Especially when they comment and you would like to comment back as forming a friendship. But they do not allow you do so..
they must have something to hide…
If they want privacy, but only want their friends to read. There is the protected button!! Duh!!
What a cowardly thing to do o_O
Sounds like the kind of person that hates being proved wrong publicly lol.
definitely.
why are you so popular, btw?
No way.
haha u get that too? i hate that… basicly what friend lock is used for is to keep people from talking smack on their site… but 90% the people that have friend lock talk alot of smack. then u go to there site to serve them a helping a steamy humiliation and u cant… pisses me off…
i say if u have friend lock, stay ur ass on ur friends site. if ur dishin it out u gota take it. otherwise these people shouldnt be taken seriously.
no, not fair. kind of rude and stupid too.
hmm, what’s worse? the friends lock thing, or the FIRST! i think i’ll deal with the friends lock thing. i’m with drak… i just delete ‘em.
Hell no! (I just sent you a Friends Invitation!) I set up this site just so I could comment on your blog, Dan.
If they consistently comment on your site, it is extremely weird that they would turn down your request to visit theirs. What are they hiding from? If it was me, I would block them from my site, if they’re not willing to reciprocate.
I think it’s lame.
The only reason I would do it is to avoid people I know reading my xanga. I don’t do it tho.
I did get annoyed by all the people whose ‘footprints’ were Florida, Japan, United Kingdom, that kind of thing. I think more than friend lock, not leaving footprints of who you are, is cowardly. That’s why I turned off the ability for anyone to do that to me, it annoys me so much…
seems rude.
No, it’s rude and cowardly.
Whoever that person is should accept Dan’s Friend request if they are going to comment on his site.
I have a policy of requesting that people on Friends Lock who visit/comment me please add me as a friend, otherwise I block them. Because why would they want to see my site and not show me theirs? That’s rotten.
I’m with Drakonskyr. He said it all!
With only one exception, making my blocked list can be done in only two ways, and that is one of them. There have been about 5 girls, and its only girls, who would regularly read my site and not let me on theirs.
It my little way of flipping them off, as i am not all that careful about securing my site
Not fair– Are you sure they declined? Maybe they just haven’t seen the invite yet-
You should block them from your Xanga just to prove a point.
I think Friend’s Lock is pointless. What is the point of having subscribers, friends, and protected, private and public options at the bottom of your Weblog Entry? I put Xanga Lock on mine to keep someone’s exwife from looking at my stuff and whenever someone looks at my Xanga who is Friend’s Locked, I block them. If you want to snoop through my stuff and don’t have the audacity to let me look at yours then you are blocked. End of story. It’s extremely fair.
they probably arent that interesting anyways
wow I’m really in the minority here. Here’s another way of thinking about it. Comments are sort of the underlying currency of xanga. When you comment on someone’s site, you benefit that person. Their blog moves up in visibility in the xangan community as a consequence. If you demand that someone remove their “friend-lock” just because they commented on your site, that’s like trying to make them pay for giving you a gift. I think that’s silly.
Why can’t someone use their blog as a way to communicate only to a small group of close knit friends that they know in real life? Why is it that if they do that they should be excluded from the ability to comment and interact with people who use their blogs for other purposes?
If you demand this of people the natural consequence is that the people who are currently using friend-lock who find value in friend-lock will continue to use friend-lock for their personal blogs and just create another account to use to leave comments and just have a blank blog or a blog in which they post very little. Effectively the same thing but probably would not raise the same level of ire in the community.
I think friends lock is for pussies who are either afraid of people not agreeing with them constantly, or they’re too fucking stupid to realize what a community is.Drakonskyr (message)
But Drak, you declined my friend invite.
No. You should lock them out too.
maybe not – but hey.. thier loss
Daniel (doubledb)
i hate it, there are a couple of people that read my site that are locked, they never comment, arent subbed, they just use the same links from other people’s sites almost daily and look at my xanga.. its so creepy! i feel like they’re peeping toms or something :-
I think it IS fair. It’s as fair as anything else in life.
I think we could all think of at least one person in our lives past/present who may be somewhat social or even very social, but if you think about it you’d realize you don’t know much about them at all.
Everything we post on our own sites or leave in a comment is a deliberate decision in regards to how much we want to open ourselves to others.
Think about all the stories in the news about people getting burned because of what they had posted on their various social web sites. Maybe they like adding to conversations others start, but don’t, for whatever reason, want to open themselves to others; especially to strangers.
Merlinfairy makes a valid point about the use of the protected post option, but then, that is EXACTLY what it is, an option. Just like the “Friends Lock” is an option too.
AND BTW, I WELCOME EVERYONE TO MY SITE. I’M LONELY AND WANT LOTS OF FOOTPRINTS AND COMMENTS!
I don’t know…lately it seems this whole “online friends” frenzy has turned into something way too complicated for me, haha.
So…check it out… I got my nose pierced this weekend!
hm, if they like commenting on your blog so much, why wouldn’t they let you into their friend lock? Doesn’t seem to make sense.
No..people often comment of check out my site but I am locked out of their site. I couldn’t really care.
they denied you? wth is wrong with them?
definately not fair.
that’s rude. i hate it when people stop by my site and then have friends lock, let alone comment!
I have to agree with Drakonskyr’s first comment, they’re either afraid or don’t understand community.
No..that ticks me off. I think if someone is gonna leave a comment on someone’s site the least they could do is let them see who they are and that goes with just randomly coming by to visit as well. For all we know they could be some deranged lunatic.
No, it’s not fair.
I had a similar problem.
A person commented my site and started an argument with me. They had friend lock on, so I couldn’t respond to the argument.
You actually tried to friend me twice.
The reason I always decline is because I’m underage and I put a lot of private stuff on my xanga. I don’t mean to offend anyone by it. I figure if people really want to say something to me, they can message me– they don’t need to see my pictures and journal logs.
Well….At least they feel you have something worthy to comment. At least they don’t just stop by and browse your site without leaving something. Some people have good reasons for “Friends Lock”. So all those who are saying that people on friends lock are either talking smack, don’t understand community or are cowards, seem a bit ignorant to me. I’m not saying that’s not true, but that’s not ALWAYS the case. I would just be thankful they felt I had something worth commenting on. IT’s their choice if they want to let me in to their “world” but I’m not going to be a bitter person (by blocking them) If they don’t.
I don’t know why they’d comment someone’s site often,… and then decline a friend request. That’s odd.
I usually use FriendLock to make people who go through everything on my site and not comment… or they feel they need to make me “prove” that I’m 18. Or they’re this 50 year old guy who thinks it’s cute to poke fun at me on myspace. :] Because I don’t like douche bags who act younger than me.
Except I take mine off, a lot, too, and I don’t think it’s on right now.
Yeah but…
I think of your page as more of a forum/message board than an actual blog.
I meant “No but…”
I think myjudas and other’s his?/her? age are only ones with a good reason to go friendslock.
are* the only*
no, if i were you, i’d block them. i see it as only fair that if they want to see your site, you can see theirs. only fair!!!
Rude!! Very rude!! I don’t use friends lock. I like the fact anyone is welcome to read my stuff and comment.
I don’t add friends unless I know them in real life.
So moot point.
Protected list is for strangers I let look closer.
Actually I have only two friends on my friends list on xanga, and only one have I met in real life.
I just feel bad telling someone they can’t be my friend.
Well, yeah, friends lock is rude…but it’s cyberspace.
nah. It’s not really fair.
that’s cowardish
no.
Just block them, Dan. I would.
They should atleast put you on their friends list or tell you tell why they can’t.
that’s rude. people who cruise my site with friends lock usually don’t get to come back if they don’t comment
Not much in this life IS fair. That’s a widely abused word. I guess you could block them from your site. I’ve never blocked anyone and not sure how it works. I think someone blocked me for there site at least that was what I heard, but I never have gone to their site since the time they asked me never to come to their site again. If someone asked me to not come to their site, I comply with their wishes. Not out to make enemies on xanga at all, only friends. I’m really not sure what I’d do. I don’t want friends lock or any other type block because it would defeat my purpose for even having a xanga. I want other’s to know Christ and know the Savior I know. If I have friends lock or a private site, it kinda makes it impossible to meet new folks who need Jesus in their life. If I’m blasted and criticized for that then so be it. I really don’t know what the answer is for your case. Sorry!
~Grampy~
No its not fair, you should just block those people dan.
Friends lock is like getting a phone number from a complete stranger. Can you close the deal? I love finding ways to get people on friends lock to be my cyber friends.
Someday? I’ll meet them all.
;P
Geeez, don’t we write for everybody?! Not fair!
I dislike it. I once asked someone who they were (I had a TON of footprints from them and no comments) and said that they visited my site often but never commented. I guess she took offense because she told me she just went to my site and then put it on friend lock. And declined my request.
I thought I protected lock would be good for people who usually only post protected. I guess it’s a good thing. I’m on Xanga lock because I like to know who’s viewing my site. But I’ll never go on friend lock.
I think it’s pretty rude, but if they are kids they might not have a choice in the matter. Anyway, it bugs me too.
I agree with PSUnited in that I think of this site as more of a message board or forum since you are soliciting peoples opinions on various subjects.
I myself am not really a blogger, but I do enjoy joining in the conversation here and at a few other select blogs. I hope I am not offending anyone when I comment or check out someone else’s blog from a comment on this site.
To answer the question-it would be nice for those who comment to accept your friend requests, but there are a few people who have mentioned good reasons not to. The question is, are you going to be gracious and allow them to continue to comment, or are you going to do as many others have suggested and block them from participating in the discussion?
Hmmm, you never sent me a friend’s request. What up with that? Should my feelings be hurt?
i have friends lock, but i accept people.
but i think i’ll turn it off now, i didn’t know it bothered people. lol my xanga sucks there isn’t anything to see anyway
I don’t like people who frequent your site a lot and enable friends lock.
that’s just asking to be blocked
In many ways yes. Your site isn’t exactly a personal site, it’s more of a current events site. I don’t know that these people’s and your site are completely comparable on the level of personal information. I understand that it would be ideal for you to be able to comment back to them. I also would think that most people would want to get comments and input from others. However it’s their website and they can choose to have whoever they want look at it.
You can block them, Dan. It’s only turnabout for fair play…
Now you have me wanting to check and see what my settings are! I also don’t understand the difference between “Friends” and “Subscribers” – is there any reason for the separation?
I would think it’s rude, and since putting the lock on only read and visit the sites that I’m friends with. Some I’ve sent the invitation, but it may have been overlooked. But those ones I’d gladly accept. All the other random requests I get I decline.
block them mwahaha
I think if people consistantly comment to you, and you request to become their friend, then to NOT accept you as their friend is just rude. If you don’t want someone to be on your site, then don’t keep going back to theirs.
Friend lock is a strange thing. I think it only serves to limit the comments one gets. If a person really wanted to speak with the friend lock, there is always a message. (Unless they chose to only receive messages from friends!)
I have several readers who have friend lock. I only care because (a) I have had a lot of creepy stalker people read before, and I want to check them out and (b) I try to only “friend” people I know in real life, or know REALLY well on Xanga.
Block ‘em Danno
they do to others what they would have done unto them.
yup it’s poor blog ettiquite
Stalkers. I think you have some “secret” lovers =] hahaha! You should ask them =] I would like to know the reason why =] Not that I am noisy, but I have the same issue and would probably give the same excuse for them.. just so I will not think anything else =]
x0x MK
“So yes, it’s highly unfair. I delete people who sub to me with friends lock on. ” Drakonskyr
That’s not true Drakonskyr. I’m subscribed to you, I have Friend’s Lock on and have for a long time now. I have it set up where only friends can see my Xnaga and send me messages. You was only added to my Friend’s List recently just so you could send me a comment about a comment I left you. Otherwise you would have still been left out of my friends list and I would have still been subscribed to you.
no
Yes, it’s very unfair and rude.
not really, but it depends on the kind of comment they leave. if they insult something and don’t let you comment back, that’s just cowardly.
spoounds like fallen nature to me! human nature after the fall. Oh well. You could expose them to everyone! or ignore them. or freeze THEM out, but then you would freeze others.
INteresting you didn’t get it until it happened to you. Another trait of who we have become. I look forward; work for a world where we each can be owners of a culture of heart….a common heart. then this stuff doesn’t happen.
Good luck! thank God you are so interesting so many people WANT to talk to you!
i don’t think it’s fair
I, personally, am on friend lock. For the most part, if you’re not an overt douchebag and have some form of writing skills, I will add you if you ask.
It’s not cowardly with commenting on this site – it’s that I’m afraid of my ex-boyfriend and don’t want him reading anything.
I have got nothing to hide on my blog
Did you just ask if something was fair?
How old are you?
That is totally messed up. Those people suck. I find that a lot of people purposely decline so they can feel some sort of warped power over others. I’m like, it’s an effing xanga friend request, get over yourself.
i love that we offer the feature, but it’s so annoying, imho
If they comment on your site, but refuse your friend request – BLOCK the ingrates!
I don’t like it. I wanted to comment on a site that I subscribe to, but couldn’t, because she’s got lock on. It’s frustrating, because it is possible to delete bad comments or to block individual users.
Warm welcome awaits you on my site, if you would like to visit.
Of course it is, The reasons you give are not good enough.
הרחקת יונים
I think it is cowardly to hide behind friends lock – how will you ever meet new people and experience new things if you lock our everyone but a select few? I know some from my University who have friends lock and have opted to not let in certain people – its almost like sorority life all over again.
That’s just rude, but people ARE rude. A lot. They should be doing protected posts if they don’t want people reading their sites. Isn’t that the purpose behind this site: social networking? It’s not LiveJournal, for goodness sake!
I would hate that personally, but I guess it just goes to show what type of people they are
Sure.
Can you deny them access? If so, that’d be fair too.
That’s just stupid because they are free to come on your site on a regular basis and they won’t even let you on their sites. It would be fine if a person just commented one time like on the featured question but if they come back over and over again I would think they would want to friend you so it is rude of them to not want to add you to their friends list.
Well, I completely agree that the friend’s lock is a personal thing and totally within the users rights on Xanga. That comes from someone who was relentlessly stalked and harrassed by a IRL person who felt the need to harrass me online too. However…
If I was certain someone was not that crazy wench, I would NEVER deny them access to my blog. If something is personal and I don’t want other people to know about it, I simply don’t post it.
In the situation where they come here and post every day, yet decline Dan’s invite, I think it is extremely rude, although there are other posters here I would prefer not post on my blog, Dan is on my friends list and I personally enjoy having him there!
Also, I finally felt safe enough to unlock my site. Sometimes these things just take time and people shouldn’t have to suffer the grief from the community for locking down their site.
It’s kind of “rude” but I can understand someone wanting their privacy. I have a few private postings, but in general, I don’t mind people looking at my xanga. I’m hoping they might find something which would amuse, or help them in their lives
.
No, I don’t think it’s fair. I think it’s a bit rude. Although, I do think few people might have a perfectly good reason for it so I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt.
no, it isn’t fair, unless they’re talking about some stuff for-their-friends’-eyes-only.
maybe they dont want their parents to see comments on their blogs from strangers?
i suppose it’s fair, since you are a public site and they are not. but yeah, it’s a tid bit rude.
> Nope, I think the blade should cut both ways. If you can comment on my site, it should be tit-for-tat….
Peace
There is a difference between being part of a community that blogs and discusses topical issues and triva as you do and what a friend is. Your site as you present it, is much more of a community forum than a personal site. I have to be honest, I did get some mail from you at one point via “Friends” linking that was much the same as your blog site questions. I would want a friend to contact me personally rather than have another avenue for impersonal chatter. The question is how do you set the two apart?