January 31, 2008
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You Must Not Commit Adultery
I read a comment from my last post where the commenter felt she had not committed adultery. So I messaged her and asked her if we could discuss her situation. Here is what happened:
“My ex-husband repeatedly cheated on me and I had no clue until I found out in a really horrible way that I generally don’t elaborate on. The state of Louisiana makes you wait like 6 months or so to get divorced, but with the way things drag out with lawyers and such, it ended up being nearly a year.
I felt ready to date, and after some soul searching, I decided that I didn’t need a piece of paper to tell me that my marriage had ended and that God knew the circumstances as well as I did. So I don’t consider myself to be an adulteress because my marriage was over before I started seeing other people, even if the paperwork hadn’t gone through.”
Do you think it is adultery in the eyes of God if the marriage is basically over?
Comments (110)
according the to the catholic church, divorce is also a sin in God’s eyes so she is screwed either way.
oh and first comment yay!
sorry, but yes.
In the eyes of God? No idea- I don’t believe in God.
In general, no, I would not consider her actions adultery.
Living in Louisiana is a sin.
Jesus said that even after a divorce, it was adultery.
Which is retarded.
no – her husband cheated making her marriage void.
Seriously, what difference does a piece of paper make?
The man already violated the contract of marriage by cheating, so there isn’t really anything she could do to violate it any further- it’s already broken.
Marriage is much more about the connection between two people than about the legal ramifications thereof. If that connection is severed, then there’s no point in waiting around and being miserable.
No… I think in her heart and soul her marriage was over, there was no hope for it.
And actually if marriage is a contract then JJ Arnes has a point.
God’s dead or too rich to care.
I think you’re supposed to marry someone first before you have sex with them according to Christianity.
If it was already in the courts, it’s pretty much over…
Failure for missing the point of marriage.
Reality is that the marriage ended when the husband was unfaithful. Paper or none.
I think she was right, it was over, the courts delay should not be her delay if she is ready to move on.
Government authorized marriage was a secular creation to aid in control of taxes, property ownership, and census calculations. Long before government sanctioned marriage, relationships were left to the individuals, families, and religions of those involved and had no part in government at all. I firmly believe government should take itself out of the marriage business. This is a religious rite. If some who are not aligned with religious institutions want to have some form of secular unions granted by the government, that’s fine. But I firmly feel that the government really has absolutely no say in whom god or any higher power does or does not view as married.
for better or worse.
adulterous bitch.
No. When her husband cheated on her, he nullified their relationship.
It doesn’t matter what I think. I does matter what Jesus thinks.
Not that I really care, because I think in that sort of situation, it’s okay…but, I thought that the adultery included a) sex before marriage[something about "cheating on your future spouse"] and b) divorce[you end up with someone other than your original spouse and have relations].
At least, I thought I’d heard that being part of the interpretation.
Correct me if I’m wrong, ’cause to be honest my family isn’t really church-going, and I’m not much of a Bible reader. I get what I know from friends who are religious/the internet(though the credibility isn’t that great for it lol).
No. When it’s over, it’s over. Paperwork takes too long to file.
It depends on who you think God is. If its the angry vengeful god of Scripture, then yeah, he’d be pissed. But if its the Saturday morning special version of God, then he’s be cool with it.
Then again, I don’t really care what God thinks.
the state is not the regulator of marriage; the Church is. was this lady married by the Church? if not, then this entire question is null.
Does God believe in divorce? That’s what I wanna know. Once you make that vow, is it ever “severed”?
I reckon God wouldn’t mind…so long as she was working on being happy, why would he punish something that he created to make us feel good?
Unless He’s a Sadistic one. The others aren’t so bad.
’nuff said…
i dunno ’bout God, …probably. but, eh, i personally exonerate her.
give her a hug for me.
@EisforEDMUND - and what about the adulterous bastard who cheated on the “adulterous bitch” ?! …effing jackoff.
@porcupinesol -
two wrongs don’t make a right… nigga. his word is law. you know how this shit goes.
Once he cheated and that caused them to get a divorce, all bets are off.
@EisforEDMUND - Whoa…a tad harsh, don’t you think, since HE started it, so to speak!
What the hell, man?
L
@Hellion_Rebellion - listen nigga, this eye for eye shit don’t cut it. all bets are off? get real.
@EisforEDMUND - hahahahaha!! sorry, even though you’re a wanker, you’re still funny. “you know how this shit goes.” …priceless!
I don’t know, this is a tough one for me…God doesn’t like divorce and ending marriages.
in all honesty, i don’t really care. :p
but what i do think is that the chick should move on, she’s just insecure about her own fucking herself. she’s doubtful and insecure. oh well.
@EisforEDMUND -
“nigga”? Who the hell says that?
Anyway, I see what I am dealing with here. Let’s just agree to disagree,okay?
Have a nice “life”.
Absolutely.
umm, i agree with peteismyhero.. technically in the eyes of the church isn’t sex out of marriage also adultery? but then again she didn’t say she had sex, so i dunno. in any case, i think it was fine… i would sleep soundly if i was her.
I thought that God doesn’t approve of divorce anyway? So basically, she’s stuck in the marriage either way and is now sinning every time she dates. But then again, God isn’t black and white. Maybe if she prays enough, God might take a second look and give her another chance. If you ever get married in a church, the priest will often mention “what God has put together, man should not dare take apart”, meaning only God has the power and reasoning to see if she can have a 2nd chance.
Two wrongs don’t make a right. God or not.
@EisforEDMUND - This guy is an asshole if that was a serious comment.
Like seriously. Fuck you, sir. Good day.
@EarthsAzureLight -
well… let’s see here. i dont think there’s a moral obligation to be nice to anyone. i’ve empathy for her that her husband cheated on her. however, i find it completely pathetic how insecure she is about it. i’d want you to treat me as you’d like to be treated. and i don’t want pity, i’d want people to be real with me. so fuck you for being a pussy… nigga.
man, for how conservative and religious you think your readership is, dan, they sure hold a high regard to a severe sense of retaliation.
@hum__hallelujah -
HALLELUJAH. ^_~
while you’re calling me an asshole, dont forget to label her too while you’re at it.
Well, from what I’ve heard, she’s already committed a sin by getting a divorce in the first place. Then, committed another sin if she had sex with anyone before marrying them. So, basically.. who cares? According to the Bible, pretty much everything aside from breathing is a sin, so why worry about it.
Marriage before God has nothing to do with a piece of paper. If it’s broken and over and you’re just waiting for the divorce papers, I have a hard time considering it adultery.
Well…in Israel, you just had to give your husband/wife a certificate of divorce. You didn’t have to wait for lawyers and legal paperwork and all that. As for Jesus, he said that divorce is wrong EXCEPT in cases of marital unfaithfulness. That being said, I think that God probably judges these things more on a case-by-case basis than totally legalistically.
@porcupinesol -
*applause*
@EisforEDMUND - I’m not conservative. You would want her to remain faithful to her husband while he runs around on her? That’s pathetic.
Oh, and no.
I don’t think God sees any sex as a result of Love as adulterous.
This stance is naturally open to non-monogamous relationships, which the Abrahamic God doesn’t seem to be too fond of… But I’m one of those romantics who believes that everyone has that one right person, and just like everything else, sex will be better with them.
So in this case, she made a mistake (which, you’ll remember, humans are prone to do). I think God would know that, if he’s benevolent if he’s cracked up to be.
This opens up a whole new can of worms, though, which is this: Is marriage infallible? Based on the numbers, it seems as though it isn’t. We make mistakes about a lot of things – and marriage is so commercialized and wrapped up in tradition, it might be easy for us to get swept up in the idea without really considering that we are making a vow to spend the rest of our life with this person. It’s a terrible mistake to make, it’s true, but would God want us to suffer that mistake for the rest of our lives?
I don’t think so. But, as a pantheist and moral relativist, this is all largely hypothetical to me. My personal opinion is aligned with your commenter’s, that a piece of paper does not nearly equate to a pact two people make with each other and whatever they might think of as God. Erroneous declarations of love are more than permissible. Better that than to close yourself off.
My my, what a redundant comment.
*benevolent AS He’s cracked up to be.
I can’t speak for God, but if by “marriage is over” it means you’re not living like husband and wife anymore and you have mentally and emotionally moved on, then it seems ok with me to move on with your life even though the paperwork isn’t finalized yet.
@EarthsAzureLight -
to quote myself from 11:57 – “in all honesty, i don’t really care. :p”
dont put words into my mouth. don’t equivocate my meaning. i never said to be faithful. listen you dumb fuck, it’s the chick who’s the faithful one worrying about it. i’m calling her the insecure one… and i guess you’re just the dumbshit.
Although if you’re gonna worry about what things look like in God’s eyes then you shouldn’t be having sex again until getting remarried, right?
Personally I don’t think she needs to explain herself to anyone. It’s her life, her decisions, who are we to judge?
And can someone PLEASE stop using racist slurs???
whoops. what i mean by the chick being the faithful one, i mean “faithful” as religious there. she’s clearly not faithful to her husband. she jumped into marriage without really know who her husband was. that was her problem.
I don’t think it’s adultry in that sort of situation. where the marriage actually is over, you just don’t have all the paper work confirmed. Bu a lo of people say “the relationship was basically over anyway” to justify cheating, and all that really means to them is “I was over the relationship” though te partner almost never knows.
wow…
Nope, when her hubby cheated or beat her, that was pretty much was the end of the marriage. Some people try to work it out, but the guy was having what they call an exit affair. An affair that would end the marriage and I can assume that she and her ex had separated by the time she started seeing someone else.
I don’t think “basically” is needed in that case. I think the marriage is over once the decision to divorce is final and no reconciliation is being nor will be sought. After that it’s all legality.
As to whether divorce itself is adultery, it differs between the Old and New Testaments. In the Old Testament, Moses gives the Israelites permission to divorce, so it could be considered acceptable (I say could because some believe Moses did not have the authority to do so and that divorce went against God even with Moses’ permission). If you’re looking at the New Testament as well, in Matthew 19 Jesus says “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.” Here divorce is a sin. The exception is for marital unfaithfulness, so in this woman’s case the divorce is justified.
Yes, it is adultery. The legal joining of two people is less important than the religious joining. Some churches have a means of declaring the marriage of two who were married and should not have been, but not many do. For most churches, you are married “til death do us part”. What was done to her was awful. The guy is a POS, but one sin does not merit another. Sex outside of the sanction of marriage is adultery. Until she was re-married by the church not th civil gov’t., it was adultery.
No.
I don’t think it was adultery at all. The lady says she found out in a horrible way which she doesn’t elaborate on so i am guessing it was traumatic for her. It is not her fault that the system took so long and she should not be punished for that by being made to feel adulterous… it was the husband that created the situation in the first place.This poor lady, forget everything else i am glad she managed to pull herself back together and get back out there.
I wish her lots of happiness for the future
I suggest reading the New Testament…it has some interesting stuff about “forgiveness” in it. However my own personal experience seems to indicate that most Christians have not yet reached this part of the Bible, being stuck on the whole Old Testament, ten commandments part.
God has eyes? Using that reasoning you would have to assume that God has a penis too.
Do you think God has masturbated?
Who does God have sex with?
Does God shit in the morning?
Scripturally, she is permitted to divorce her husband due to his infidelity. Many people have referenced the church and what it would say. I assume that they mean the Roman Catholic Church. I’m not Catholic, but what they say is immaterial if it does not line up with Scripture.
Secondly, the question we cannot answer from the info above is whether or not the woman engaged in sexual intercourse during her “dating” period prior to the completion of the divorce. Therefore, we cannot even know if she committed adultery.
Jesus did talk about our thoughts and that, if we have lustful thought toward another, we already have committed adultery in our hearts. That is another question, but worthy of thought.
Jesus allowed for the marriage bond to be broken in the case of marital unfaithfulness. He broke it. So she’s trying to move on. We don’t know if by dating, she meant having marital relationships (sex) with someone else while she was technically married in the eyes of Louisiana. So, we can’t judge that.
Personally, I think she’s in the clear as long as she’s not sleeping around with anybody until after the divorce papers have gone through, just to be on the safe side. Just going out and dating after the marriage is already destroyed (just not processed by the state), I wouldn’t do that myself, but I don’t see why she couldn’t do it.
Nah. The husband cheated on her, so It’s not her fault.
@broadwaykiller - Actually, if your spouse cheats on you, it’s a free pass for divorce, but that’s the only reason.
I think since she’s not betraying or lying to the inpending X, then she has my blessing.
Well gee, I hope not because if so, I’m an adulteress. I was legally separated, as in I was living in a different residence and the paperwork had been filed when my now-husband and I started seeing each other. Dating, not sleeping together. And my first husband had cheated on me. I don’t feel like I committed adultery. I know my ex did. And thank goodness, because my life is a lot better now.
The Law (religious Law as in the Old Testament) would say yes, which is why Moses was given procedures to issue a writ of divorce.
I believe she wouldn’t be having this /thought/question/issue if she had waited until it was legally over.
The pathway to God is the straight and NARROW path.
Today, people generally interpret scripture however is most convenient for their lives.
Seems like someone hurt that badly wouldn’t really be ready for an intimate relationship without firm closure and some time to heal.
Hurt people hurt people.
Absolutely not. Her husband had repeatedly cheated on her, and with her divorce held up in legal/paper work, she decided it was time to date, not out of anger or attack (revenge on her husband), but because she felt it was time to begin to move on.
There’s a point where a marriage is essentially over. Sometimes that point doesn’t occur until the paperwork is signed. In other cases, a marriage can be over way before that. So it depends on the circumstances. Also, the woman may have just been dating (not sleeping around) which adds more aspects as to whether this is adultery or not.
This works from legal, ethical and religious point of views.
FWIW, I dated while separated with full support from friends, family, and religious leaders. And yes, I had a similar story to the woman in question.
Man, some of the comment responses here. Pathetic.
that’s governmental red tape- not God constraining her. yes, divorce is tragic but this is one of those circumstances where Christ allowed it without making the innocent party an adulterer because they seek a new relationship. still- it might offend others since it’s not “official”…
Definately yes.
God forgives…I don’t think we’ll ever know if He understands.
Biblically: Even after the divorce, it is adultery. Cases like this is why that aspect of marriage really bother me. It sucks to be married to someone who does this to you and then you are stuck with them for life, and you can’t go elsewhere, because it would be adultery.
@EisforEDMUND -
You’re an idiot.
Since God knows what is in our hearts…..knows the words before we speak them…….I’m pretty sure he doesn’t need the state to approve or disprove any of this.
Do you think it is adultery in the eyes of God if the marriage is basically over?
it’s dan’s question not mine. in the eyes of god, yes. you can’t pick and choose as a christian what to follow and what not to follow – that’s how you get people flying into buildings. you get people following what they think is right. so for you all who think it’s ok that the chick cheated despite the circumstances, just remember you’re being hypocritical. you can’t say you’re a christian and condone any kind of breakin in any one of the ten commandments.
again, if you’re christian… or you take that kinda stuff really seriously. i know i don’t.
@squeakysoul - LOL replying myself. Unless the marriage is anulled, that is. I know the Catholic Church is pretty strict about this stuff (too strict actually even for me – it’s difficult for a regular person to get an annullment, and if you can’t get it you are really stuck, which really makes you screwed if you are in this situation) and keep in mind that these rules apply to those who are married in the church. I guess this is why it is so important to choose one’s mate so carefully.
Second guess God – Yeah, let’s do that.
eep.
I think that since the husband cheated, her reason for divorce is a valid one in God’s eyes. As for her being asn adulterer – well, this is where I think things get confusing…God designed marriage, why wouldn’t he let her date and possible get married again?…didn’t He say, It’s not good for man to be alone(genesis)? So I believe it’s ok for her to date and get remarried if she wants…but of course, that’s my opinion…
I think god has bigger things to worry about, then a divorce thats in lawyer limbo
If you are not remarried then it is adultery.
this question also proposes the question does a piece of paper make you married inthe eyes of God? i have been struggling with this particular question for awhile so you’re insight would be appreciated :p If you don’t need a piece of paper to prove your marriage is over in the eyes of God why would you need one to prove that ARE married in the eyes of God?
I can’t say that I condone what she did. Divorcing him would be (biblically even) excusable since he was cheating, but it’s pushing it to say that the officiality of the marriage is based on her attitude about it.
if she believes she has not committed adultery_then she hasn’t. I think god’s judgement and one’s own is tied, so… i also think marriage is in the mind and not on paper, therefore if she gave up on him, she was never married to him in the first place, at least that’s what i think.
I think God could care less. If He/She does, then they should look for a better hobby.
Even after the diviorce is final on paper, it is still adultery until the other one dies. Only then is it ok to remarry. Does anyone really do that, I didn’t, I married a divorced woman myself. Her ex did drink himself to death some 15 years ago, but he was very much alive when we got married. It is adultery to remarry while the other one is still alive, but thats just another reason God sent Christ to take our punishment for us, because we can’t obey all those commands, our spirit is dead to righteousness, how can something dead do ANYTHING much less know righteousness. I’m forgiven for my actions because of Christ and Christ alone.
i think that God knows
biblically YES annnyy remarriage = adultary for both the woman and the man
but God knows… God knows
Mmm, yes, well, she shouldn’t have sex outside of marriage, right? So she’s going to hell anyhow, right?
Woman, there’s no hell when you die, so do whatever it is that makes you happy.
I believe God considers it to be adultery.
It doesn’t matter.
She’s just saying that she’s dating again. Isn’t it a little extreme to
assume that she MUST be having sex before marriage? I’m just a little shocked by the jump to conclusions. As for the whole religious aspect, I’m no expert. Who knows what God’s true feelings are on the matter because it’s all based on human interpretations anyways.
If they are still married legally then in the eyes of God they are married, and it is adultery. That doesn’t make what the husband did right, but it is still adultery
I say leave God out of it. What a stupid law anyway making her wait six months. She had every right to get back out there and start dating after all her husband was the one doing the cheating while they were married so it isn’t her fault that her state had a stupid law about waiting six months for the divorce to be final.
Yes becasue divorce is techically a sin in itself. “‘Til Death Do Us Part” is kind of an unbreakable vow.
in my religion, divorce used to be excommunication status. God’s probably disappointed that the marriage didn`t work, not that she dated other people.
I don’t give a crap. Not my place to judge…obviously that’s between her and her Maker.
Why does she care? Two wrongs rarely make a right….I think people don’t take enough time between relationships to seek healing and to restore themselves….it really has nothing to do with her ex..and God,but her relationship with Him, we stand alone.
Until the decree is made one or the other parties may have second thoughts about signing the petition. You never can be too sure it is God whispering in your ear ……….
no i dont think so. its the same way i feel about marriage. i feel that its just a piece of paper in that state for tax purposes and home buying purposes that you are married. if she felt that the marriage was over before her search for happiness began then bravo to her for finding someone who she can trust and make her happy. because thats just the hardest part to do after your life has been nothing but lies and dis-trust.good for her.
No, it’s not and I fully commend her for picking up and moving on with her life. Adultery is a painful thing to have happen. I wish her well and hope she is happy in her new life! It gives her the chance to be free again and to find someone who will CHERISH her like her vows mentioned.
> “I decided that I didn’t need a piece of paper to tell me that my
marriage had ended and that God knew the circumstances as well as I did.”
It’s not your place to decide the rules on this matter. A marriage is not instantly dissolved the moment adultery is committed by either party. However, when one of them does commit adultery, the other now has the option of leaving the marriage.
Think about this: a divorce is no more a piece of paper than the marriage is to begin with. But God still says you have to be married to have sex. Thus, He requires that your marriage be in accordance with (and recognized by) the laws of men to be acceptable. So divorces work the same way – gotta be official.
Matthew 5:31-32 “It has been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: but I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, except for the cause of fornication, causes her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced commits adultery.”
“I think god has bigger things to worry about, then a divorce thats in lawyer limbo”
You are entirely mistaken. To say that is to put limits on God’s abilities that do not exist.
Back to the topic: If all this lady is doing right now is dating, then that’s fine, as obviously she hasn’t married again yet. I just wanted to make my point clear.
In a way, she was committing adultery. In my church, you’re married for life. Even if you get a divorce, you are still married to that person until death. That’s how it is.
Lusting in ones heart for another person is committing adultery already.
as long as both people know the marriage (or relationship) is over, it’s not cheating to move on with your life.
adultery is sex outside of marriage, period. so yes, it is adultery.
Who cares.
Wow.
but the thing is, god forbids breaking a marriage in general…
Personally, I would not condemn her. Neither would Jesus. I might advise her however, to protect her heart by living a clean life without being involved in literal adultery.
Yes, because God doesn’t believed in divorce. Right? I’m not Catholic nor Christian so I might be wrong.