July 16, 2008
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Sexual Abuse
A coordinator for World Youth Day has accused those who are looking for compensation for sexual abuse cases against the Catholic Church as “dwelling crankily. . .on old wounds.” Here is the link: Link
Do you think we have come to a place in our culture where we actually encourage those who have been sexually abused to dwell on old wounds?
Comments (74)
Yes.
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Well they need to be punished.
You’ve got to be kidding. It’s hard not to dwell on something that cheats you out of so much (childhood, innocence, future sexual joy, trust) and causes so much suffering. So you were raped repeatedly by your priest when you were seven? Get over it, already!
dwell on old wounds??????? heavens NO.. why would we want to?
When one is sexually abused as a child, one becomes a broken spirit. That broken spirit may take a lifetime to heal. And just like all wounds, once they heal they leave scars (reminders) of what has happened. One will always be reminded of what has happened to oneself. One never forgets no matter how much one wants to forget. To seek monetary compensation for the horrible acts committed against oneself as a child will never heal the wound or git rid of the scars. However, I believe it is justified to bring one’s attackers to justice and make them pay for their actions by having them thrown in prison. But even that doesn’t heal ones wounds or get rid of one’s scars. Understanding that it wasn’t your fault and lots of therapy is the only thing that truely helps, and even after that those scars still bring back horrible reminders of what happened to you as a child. I was sexually abused by family and so called friends as a child. Some of them payed their debt to society with jail time. Others were not brought to justice. I still struggle with these scars. Some days are better than others though.
Victim is one identity people choose as their main identity.It doesn’t have to be that way.
Honestly, I am sure sexual-abuse victims wish they never had to remember or think about it again. And I’m sure a monetary award does very little to make things better, but sometimes it’s all you get. It’s atleast something to say you can’t get away with this.
I hope not. Sometimes there are things that are hard to let go of.
No. They aren’t dwelling. They’re scarred.
Omg… i’d hate to be his PR person.
Those that commit the crime should dwell on old wounds as a reminder of how stupid they are. Those that are victims, should be able to forget so those wounds can heel.
Someone should beat that guy to within an inch of his life, and then tell him to stop dwelling on old wounds when he complains afterwards
He should take his own advice and stop dwelling on Jesus’ wounds. After all, he only got nailed to a cross by his wrists and speared in the gut, the pain Christ felt is nothing compared to what the Catholic Church is going through today.
what an ass.
The Catholic Church is the wealthiest land owner on the planet, and they do NOT pay $1 of tax. No matter how you cut it, the Dioceses within the Catholic Church are structured the same as a for profit corporation, and the only way to punish a ficticious entity (like a corporation) is to do the one thing it understands as pain – take its MONEY. In this case, it is ironic that the Catholic Church will be forced to pay those that it damaged, and those are the same people that donate their money to the Church, so they are in essence, paying themselves.
@LightningRichy - Not to mention the torture the Catholic Church inflicted on so-called heretics.
These are not just “old woulds.” They’re magnignant cancers– terrible things whose effects are felt today.
“Do you think we have come to a place in our culture where we actually encourage those who have been sexually abused to dwell on old wounds?”
In the cited example, it’s not “culture” or “society” mulling over or gawking at old instances church sexual abuse, it is the effected familities.
I think we have come to a place where those responsible need to be taken to task. HOWEVER, having said that doesn’t mean that it’s open ended! there has to be a time frame. I’m not going to apologize for things that happened before I was even born.
how is this guy a coordinator for World Youth Day? That’s like the being the person in charge of the Special Olympics and calling all the competitors “effin retards”.
wounds that never have been healed, or never can be healed are easy to dwell upon. I think reconciliation would be better if possible. I hope we don’t dwell on old wounds.
on one level, yes we do. we have become such a sue happy society that its ridiculous.
on another level there needs to be adequate restitution for the stupid acts people pull
This world encourages WAY more negative than positive. There are some wounds that will never go away, well the scares don’t. The scares are there to remind us of where we’ve been and roads to stay away from.
This fat old white man with pink cheeks and a flabby ass should be sealed in a barrel in the dungeon of a cathedral and then he can think about his sage wisdom.
Speaking as one who was molested as a child the short answer is yes.
its all about the money…
This story really makes me angry, one of the reasons I still “dwell” is because nobody really recognized me as a victim. All I ever heard after being in a sexually abusive relationship for years was “Well he was wrong but you should have walked away” or “I’m sorry you let that go on for so long” or “Well you both did stupid things” I waited to long to get help and take legal action and now it is to late and I hate it. It kills me all the time that people idol him and he is so popular and having so much fun, someone actually said I was bad for HIM. He doesn’t really even believe he did anything wrong and nobody is going to tell him otherwise, sexual abuse victims deserve justice and they deserve to grieve and heal as long as it takes!!!
That is being harsh. The individuals who have been abused will have great difficulty ever being able to move past their “old wound.” It is unfair, however, to attack the church at large over the actions of individual priests. The church may have handled the situtation poorly but it is unfair to blame the church for the suffering of those who have been abused.
Let’s face it! These things were crimes which were ’hushed-up’ by the church hierarchy in a lot of cases. Hit them where it hurts. Cash is not a cure for the feelings of degradation by a person who is supposed to be a figure of trust, but what else can anyone else suggest? An apology?! Doesn’t really cut it…
@LightningRichy - no kidding….like telling the special needs kids of the world to get off their duffs and act normal. Sexual abuse is no joke and is a very, very deep wound from which it is incredibly difficult to recover.
Some people never do. It scars one for life. The priests to did this should not get off scot free, nor should the Catholic Church. Sure, they want everyone to forget and just sweep it under the rug and not talk about it anymore, but that’s just them trying to cover it up and make it go away. It will not just “go away” for those it happened to.
I think we have developed a culture that dwells on old wounds because our culture does little to actually heal the hurt. Instead, our culture says, “Sue the jerks. The money will make the pain go away.”
All I know is that as long as I dwelt on any of my old wounds, things got worse. As soon as I sought genuine healing and let them go, things were wonderful.
@LadyValkyrie37 - I completely agree.
I’m over it, but I’m not “over” it, and I wouldn’t dare insult anyone else by accusing them of “dwelling”.
@Nanaline - Your story really hits home. I’m so sorry.
More like we are now a bit more open as a culture to people dealing with their issues. Those “old wounds” are there reguardless of whether someone is talking about them or taking action in therapy, a law suit, whatever. You can bet those kids are still in sooooo much pain. It’s just that a few decades ago, it might have been swept under the rug, but today, people are standing up and saying, “help.”
I really don’t see how that’s “dwelling on past wounds”
it’s more like “demanding retribution for a crime [and a horrible one at that] committed against them.”
that’s like saying Jesus was tickled to death or something.
Yes we do.
Have you ever been to a counselor? Most of what counselors do is encourage you to dwell on old wounds whether they be abuse or otherwise.
You have got to be f’n kidding me.
Well, perhaps those who have been abused have more to dwell. A physical bruise can heal. A mental bruise can stay for life. :T
I guess we should also stop putting criminals in jail b/c, you know, going after them is like dwelling in old wounds or something.
No
@Nanaline - I totally understand where you’re coming from. I too was “blamed.” I was told by both my father and grandmother that if I wouldn’t have run away from home I wouldn’t have been raped. I ran away from home because of the physical, emotional, and verbal abuse that was going on there towards both me and my mother. My grandmother even told me if I wouldn’t have dressed like a slut I wouldn’t have been raped. However, my Grandmother was one of those Apostolic Christians who believed women shouldn’t wear pant because that’s “dressing like a man and that’s against God.” So to her me wearing a pair of jeans was dressing like a slut. In fact during the trial my lawyer’s actually told me how I should dress in case I would be called to the stand. They knew that the defense attorneys would attack my character for how I was dressed. They (my attorneys) even asked me how many boyfriend I had had before the rape and if I was sexually active before the rape. Again they said that it was possible that the defense attorneys would bring such things up to bring my character into judgement. So many times victoms of sexual abuse are blamed and are victomized all over again just trying to seek justice. When the memories came flooding back to me (when I was an adult during a time when my parents were divorcing) of the fact there was incest in my life when I was a very small child I actually tried to excuse my attacker’s actions on their “mental instability.” I did this because of all the years I was blamed for the rape when I was 15. It took years before I realized my attacker did know right from wrong and that I was not to blame for the incest.
I think your statement/question is worded a little strangely, but I’ll say this:
I think that victims of sexual abuse are often damaged more than they know and definitely more than others realize or care to. So regardless of my opinions on getting compensation, its often not a matter of dwelling on the past, as it is allowing their wounds to be uncovered (to themselves and perhaps with those they love and trust) and starting the healing process, which can take a long, long time.
And contrary to popular belief time alone does not heal all wounds.
Sexual abuse is something that can’t just go away. Even inappropriate touching sticks with its victims. Our culture doesn’t take it seriously ENOUGH.
Perhaps. But I don’t believe healling can occur without acknowledging that you have brokenness in your life.
No, I just think that jerk is a jackass.
People: women, men, and teens, and children, when raped or sexually molested have those wounds for years and years, sometimes their entire lives, it never is and old wound, because it never heals in the first place.
So, in recap: He’s a JACKASS
Whatever happened to “Keep your hands to yourself”!?
Caption: *in think New York or Chicago accent* ” Ah Tony, it’s ok. I forgive ya.”
This world revolved around sex, money and greed. Enough said.
Yes. The pain is something to be moved past in the best possible way; this is not to say that there is no pain. The pain is very real, and the psychological consequences can be crippling. That being said, it is important to try to move forward, and not to dwell on the things that you don’t have control over. I think in some ways we hinder this movement.
Yeah – hence why we tell people to go to therapy 20 years after they were raped. So they can talk about it again.
Yes, I do think so – but not in this case. I’m not sure if you heard the other speeches, but one of these brilliant priests encouraged wives to not report spousal rape. He was fully supported by the police and a number of other community figures. The reason? It’s too hard to prove and the court system is too hard on women that have been raped. I think if anything, Catholic or not Catholic, rape – be it of a woman or a man – needs to be addressed, and addressed quickly and adequately.I have nothing against Catholics, and the majority are obviously decent Christians, however, I object strongly to the way the church has been handling sexual abuse and pedophilia by priests.A priest that commits any such crime has forfeited the right to be a priest in my opinion. He has betrayed the trust that was bestowed upon him.
I was sexually abused in my childhood, along with other kinds of abuse…
I’m okay though. =]
It’s a God thing that I’m able to forgive it all and have passed that time in my life, coming out of it strong and happy. I don’t dwell on it. Sometimes I have had episodes where I have flash backs and I get scared, but that’s just how it is. I can’t say that society encourages me to dwell on it. If anything, society tries to help us grow through it, accepting that it happened and then how it can positively contribute to identifying who we are.
I have no feelings of bitterness toward the people who committed this against me or that they be punished. That is not my place to weigh. If anything I would wish grace and mercy on them for realizing their mistakes can be punishment enough. However justice is served, I move in love and forgiveness.
Yes, I do believe that there are consequences that should be dished out accordingly, but that is not what I base my principles. I do know that jail is not the answer. There is no “debt to society.” Their debt is to me, not society. If a man steals, his debt is to whom he has stolen from, not the neighborhood. If you think about it, we’re paying for the men and women that go to jail.
There is a lot more I could say here, but I don’t have the time. There are some lose ends I have left, but no matter. It’s just the internet. Feel free to speak up…
Not at all.
I think the person who says that sexually abused people should not dwell on past wounds are probably people who have no idea what it is like TO dwell on old wounds.
As much as I think every person needs to come to a place of healing regardless of what happened in their life, it is easier said than done. I don’t feel that anyone who has been sexually abused would want to have that wound in their life be there, let alone have it ache longer than necessary.
People always had a sorry look on their faces when I told them about my past, even after I told them I’m okay with it. One person told me I should just accept the fact that his pedophelia jokes are funny regardless of my past. It’s been 2 years and I’m finally beginning to forgive him. I think everyone, no matter what our life experiences are, should learn from our pasts so we can live a more fulfilling life in the future.
A close friend of mine was unfortunately a victim of sexual abuse by her father. I don’t think she’s any happier thinking about how that event has changed her, nor is it a topic that she enjoys discussing. Her father is an unavoidable figure in her life and she hates him. But I don’t believe that her holding onto that anger and torment is about “dwelling on old wounds” so much as it is a matter of overcoming the betrayal of trust between a father and a daughter. It’s painful, but she’s not demanding any sort of compensation – she’s trying to cope and move on.
I’d say perhaps that those who do seek compensation might be “dwelling” – sure. IF those who committed the crime have already been punished already. Otherwise it’s more like seeking retribution or something along those lines.
We shouldn’t encourage survivors to dwell on those wounds of sexual abuse, but then again, we shouldn’t make them try to “forgive and forget” either. Healing takes a long time. The goal should be to encourage them to move from a victim to a survivor in their own time.
Uh…no.
I think that its appropriate and kind of necessary to dwell on certain wounds for a certain amount of time, you can’t just expect people to get over something that horrible immediately, they deserve a period of sadness & healing, its unhealthy to just ignore it. I think more than anything this culture promotes insensitivity and just ignoring bad things.
In this sue-happy culture there is power in being the victim, and people do try to wield that power. But the case of being sexually abused as a child is particularly heinous and I would think it would be very difficult to get over. And shame on Catholic officials for allowing this to go on and sweeping it under the rug for so long.
But on the other hand, money and “making the church pay” will not make the pain go away.
I believe so.
I think we do live in a world where we like to see others suffer.
I”ve never suffered sexualabuse, and so aren’t qualified to comment. But I do know we are obsessed with finding it and chewing on it.
However, a deeper and better question would be to ask for comments on the jackass statement by this latest apologist for what must surely take First Prize as the world’s most corrupt organisation.
I’m kind of up in the air on this one…
The answer is YES!!!
@shellybean99 – very true
OK OK OK
I hate how this issue seems to give people with their own personal vendettas against the RCC a chance to raise cain.
For those who were abused, YES, you have every right to compensation. If it were up to me, the %0.01 of US Catholic priests that committed these heinous acts would get molested in prison on a daily basis.
But for those who have nothing to do with any case of sexual abuse by the priesthood, please give it a rest. PLEASE, give it a rest.
In the case of the catholic church, no, although I would rather see the priests removed from their posts and be held responsible rather than protected or the victims payed out.
Yes in an attempt to protect other potential victims we over punish and berate….
sometimes, but that doesn’t mean that people who have that kind of “old wound” should just get over it. that’s ridiculous.
No matter how hard I try, I don’t forget. It’s impossible. I dwell because my pain is ineffable. When I want to be intimate with my boyfriend, I see my abuser. So, regardless of society “encouraging” people to dwell, remembering and reliving that sort of past is inevitable. But what’s ironic is that I know I have the power to punish the man who’s done this to me, but I won’t. I do it to protect my family and not to ruin his life. He didn’t ruin mine.
I think dwelling on old wounds and bringing criminals to justice are two different things. Being in the public eye doesn’t make anyone above the law.
Yep, especially if you can get money for it!
All these comments above are well-written. I agree. When we have something that has happened to us so bad that it doesn’t go away, and makes us silent sufferers, we need to go to someone and get it off our chest. It is then that we may go on with our life, leaving suffering behind. …Love, Sande
it’s not like they can escape from the memory, right?
Sad as that is…:(