August 22, 2008
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Gay Children
I had over 800 people respond to the average age question and the average age of the people commenting on my site is 23.78. (Special thanks to Saintvi for calculating the average).
Here we go:
I posted the other day about a principal that told a lesbian girl’s parents that she was a lesbian.
Someone commented that if the parents didn’t know their child was lesbian, they were clueless.
Are parents clueless if they don’t realize their child is gay or lesbian?
Comments (150)
Depends on the relationship between the parents and the child.
OMG , first!!
@SladeTheGreyFox - ditto….
Some parents might be in denial even if they did find out.
Mostly they’re just in denial.
No. Parents are not mind readers. If the kid wasn’t making it plain, like openly dating girls or having lots of female crushes, or whatever else, then I don’t see how they were to know. I can definitely see how something like that could be kept private from even an observant parent. This is why children and parents need to communicate.
No. Kids live in a secret world of their own.
Nope. The parents are not clueless. They may think their lesbian child is just going through a tomboy phase, has a good girl friend, or just isn’t that into guys yet (depending on the child’s age, of course). There are plenty of explanations for some types of lesbian behavior when you are so young.
@darkoozeripple - agreed.
I wouldn’t say that they are necessarily clueless, but they perhaps aren’t making the effort to get to know their child and help them succeed in the world that they should. Unfortunately our country is leaning towards a trend in distance between the parent-child relationship. If you are a parent who knows your child well, props to you.
No. The child might have been keeping it a secret from their parents, or maybe they just came off as tomboyish, per se. Most likely, the parents didn’t go to an arts high school, like I did, where their “gaydars” were sharpened. Based on my experience, going to an arts based high school with a lot of gay, bisexual, and questioning people really does help me to realize when anyone I meet likes the same sex. Occassionally I’m wrong, but it still helps.
Not really. I have no idea whether or not my older brother is gay. I wouldn’t be too surprised either way.
i wouldn’t think parents are clueless if they can’t figure out whether or not their child is or is not gay. some people aren’t as open about who they like or how they date around their parents. the lives of children is very often shielded and censored so parents only see bits and pieces.
How old was the kid? Was she openly dating? There’s too many circumstances I don’t know, to speculate a generalization from it.
Parents always know. They just don’t say anything, because they’re in denial OR they’re so busy trying to mold the kid in the image of themselves they don’t care who they really are or what they want. Example:
My parents made me go to Sunday school and church all the time. I would ask questions and show doubt and they would bully me with scripture and eternal damnation threats. When I went away to college, I stopped. My mom thought college “changed” me, but I hated going to church and I didn’t like religion. Her rebuttal: “But you went to church and Sunday school all the time.” Yeah, because she made me. Clueless or in denial? I choose the latter.
Not really.
Nah my Dad isn’t clueless that I’m bisexual, he just has his own opinions about what that means because he isn’t. It can be hard to understand something you’re not.
I think he kind of tries to ignore it. Whatev, I know he loves me no matter what. That’s good enough
not clueless….but probably in denial. And some ppl hide it really well….for guys it’s called “trade”…..
no, not really. a lot of time the kid will purposely try to hide it from their parents.
depends on how the relationship between the parent & child.
There are millions of people who don’t know their kids are gay. Or that their spouses are gay. It’s not like it’s tattood on their foreheads. Why pick on the parents here?
Either completely clueless or naive.
Or in denial.
It could be that they are in denial or it could be from a lack of communication between parent and child. Either way, the parents would be clueless to the fact that their child was gay.
I think it could be hidden very well from parents.
I have a nephew that is obviously gay, but his parents always say he is just too busy for dating right now. I don’t know if they are clueless but if not, they are in denial. My son was addicted to drugs, and I wouldn’t even look at the possibility until he almost died from it. Painful things regarding our children are hard to take, and sometimes we won’t allow ourselves to see it even if it’s right in front of us. That is flat out denial. I think many parents would be in denial about it.
Johari’s window addresses the issue of self knowledge vs. the knowledge of others. clearly we do not know everything that others know about us, and visa versa. in addition there are things that no one, not ourselves, not others, knows about us that are true. P person may not know that he or she is gay, while the parents may realize it. The opposite is also true.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Johari_Window.PNG
No. Some parents are in denial about it ofcourse, but most might have an inkling but wait for their child to confirm it for them.
either clueless or not in the picture enough to have a chance to be observant.
when i told my mom i liked girls, she was like, “yeah i know. wasn’t katy your highschool sweetheart?” lmao – it surprised the hell outta me that she could be so casual about it…
however when i mention to my dad (who incidentally is gay himself) something about an ex-girl of mine, he blew a friggin gasket and had a fit. not only had he not seen it coming, but he didn’t approve. (which as my mom said, was the pot calling the kettle black.)
many children/teenagers have to hide their sexual preference from their parents because some parents will discriminate against/verbally abuse their own children.
so yeah, some parents don’t have a clue. & for the most part, that’s their fault.
though i’m sure there are some kids who just don’t come out to their parents because they don’t feel like it- not because their parents are closed-minded.
<3
Yes, on how to parent and foster an open relationship with their child, if not on how to read telltale signs.
No. I think teens can hide things from their parents if they really want to.
I agree. Parents are clueless.
Whoever said that has no idea what they’re talking about.
Some people are very good at hiding things! Even things like that.
Or maybe in the back of their mind they suspect it, but they’re in denial. They just refuse to accept that as a possibility.
It would certainly indicate that there are more problems with the parental-child relationships than mere sexuality choices.
Not neccesairly.
not always, but most of the time it’s extremely obvious.
Not enough information given here I suppose, I’m not quite sure what to say..Perhaps they were honestly clueless. I mean, there’s certain ‘signs’, yeah, but then again..
No, lots of kids will fake an interest in the opposite sex until they are ready to come out. I don’t think it would be too hard for a teen to hide it from the parents.
It depends on how “gay” the child is acting. If a boy has just decided he only prefers boys, and hasn’t acted on it, it’s the same to the parents as if he was just not interested in dating.
No, I don’t think parents are clueless if they don’t know. I agree, kids have a secret world of their own. Besides, there are other factors that weigh in here: How well the kids relationship is with their parents, how open they are to talking about, their faith, whether they’ve had a relationship or not…. lots of things. It would be unfair to make such a generalization.
Not really. At least, I dont think so. A friend of a friend of mine is a lesbian and she hides it well, so it would be unfair to call her parents clueless
The question itself stands on shaky ground, becaus it assumes that we know – or have precisely defined – exactly what a gay or lesbian person is.
We most certainly have not.
We can say that someone attracted to and constantly dating the same sex ) I’ll use “gay” to include lesbian) is gay, but what of people who have same-sex attraction, but date the opposite? Their preference being gay, but their choices being not, are they to be defined as “gay”? Let’s look at the opposite end of the question: if a person attracted to the opposite sex for some reason – curiosity perhaps, or a passing fancy – performed a sexual act with someone of the same sex, whould this act make him or her definable as “gay”?
If we do use this as our definition, then we are in a changed world, for according to the Kinsey Report, one third of males interviewed admitted to some degree of sexual relationship with another male at some time. This was in 1948, so you can bet there were a lot of deniers, and if the figure in reality exceeds 50% then we have just defined the sexuality of the majority of males as “gay.”
And I would say that “in excess of 50%” is quite likely. Amongst the group of boys that I hung out with, before we got to the age where we discovered that girls were…. interesting, experimentation was common, and certainly openly exceeded half the group.
Question: how come the jackass school principal, who works with kids constantly, doesn’t know this?
By now someone reading this has to be murmuring the idea “bisexuality…. some degree of bisexuality in everybody…..”
Now look what you’ve done Dan, asking all these silly questions; You’ve made me prove most of your readership are bisexuals.
We were doing just great before you stirred us up, and now we’re all a bunch of emo fags. Is this a good way to run a cult?
Not necessarily, kids can be very good at hiding things.
But you’d think they’d know something was going on.
Not necessarily. It seems entirely possible for a parent to be involved in their child’s life and not know something like that just by virtue of it never coming up. I mean seriously, it isn’t something that is normal dinner table conversation nor is it something that there necessarily has to be evidence lying around for. Oh sure there might be things that in retrospect are clues but that had perfectly reasonable and legitimate explanations prior to the revelation.
well then they are not intune to their children are they? but some parents DO know. they just chose not to talk about it, thus sort of living in denial .
Cluelessly in denial. Or just plain stupid.
=D
I’ve had gay and lesbian friends that you wouldn’t be able to tell unless you actually knew. Some people aren’t as flamboyant about it as the stereotypes.
So no, they’re not necessarily clueless, and I think it’s insensitive to infer that they are.
If a parent made it painfully clear that they would not tolerate homesexuality in any way, shape or form, then a kid could hide it to the ends of the earth.
What the heck kind of picture is that??? o_O
No, it depends on how good the child is at acting, and how close they are with their parents.
how much of the money the judge ordered the school district to pay in damages went to the girl? the article said all 325k ordered to be paid went to pay the ACLU attorney fees. they are a business, not a rights advocate group ~ jack
well yeah. kids need to talk to their parents about this stuff…in fact i think they should be the first persons that the kid should feel the need to tell.
It’s a yes and no case. Yes, I think more parents today are generally clueless about their children. They don’t take the time to talk or get to know the kids and/or are unapproachable. But it’s also a case of no because the child has to WANT to be open and talk.
@BrownBarbie_2006 - Just because your parents were that way doesn’t mean all parents are. Avoid using “always” and “never”, because you will be wrong most of the time. That said, I’m sure many parents are in denial about such things.
Not necessarily. Some people are very good at hiding things from their family.
Heck, one of my husband’s relatives dated a man for years and then married him. She started to suspect he was cheating on her when she found used condoms and such. One day, she walked in on him in their bed…with a man. She had known him for a long time and never realized he was gay!
I have a few friends who are gay/lesbian and one of them was a person I grew up with. He was in my close group of friends and I didn’t find out until a couple years ago, I still don’t know which of my friends know and which don’t, I’m not even sure that he knows that I know. My roommate is a lesbian and there are still people who don’t know. I really didn’t know any of my friends were until they came out to me.
So I don’t think the parents are clueless.
No, the child could cover it up well enough like actually pretending they were straight.
no, some people are very good at hiding their orientation…
That depends on the kid. My parents had no clue I was bisexual (even though my best friend was also my girlfriend at the time) until I told them. Some of us are just better at hiding it than others.
sometimes they are but not always…i mean, what makes someone gay?! Is it a guy with an effeminate voice? or a guy who likes to go to the theatre? or is it a girl who likes sports? or who wears frumpy clothes?! NO!!
Even if the parents did know then it’s their place and their child’s place NOT anyone else’s!!
I think the point and thus the question is quite redundant
Some really are clueless
but some are in denial
and in some cases the kid’s just really good at hiding it
Sometimes I wish I were lesbian ..or bi at least. Does that make me halfway there? .. My mom would never know about my sex life. She might want to try it too. She always wants to be first to try things. Oh maybe I should trick her and say that I am thinking about it and then she if she does it first! Haha I am talking to myself here aren’t I ..?
I definitely think it can be hidden, at least for a while. It happened at my house and my parents are very involved and observant. Especially when it comes to girls… most teen girls already act closer and more physically even with their other girl friends. If a kid wants to keep it hidden, it can be done.
Dan, do your parents know you’re gay?
I think being gay is just another temptation, like any other sin in the Bible [cheating, lieing, etc.]. Some parents aren’t that close to the their children, and don’t know what they’re struggling with.
That, or uncaring.
Not really.. Sometimes parents and children aren’t close at all.
Or maybe the kid is hiding it really well.
Not neccesarily. One must ‘member that not all people who are homosexual are overtly effeminate or masculine.
Meh, parents see what they choose to see. A lot of parents think their kids are gay when they in fact are not – and vice versa. My parents haven’t a clue about my sexuality and to be honest, it isn’t their business.
In my opinion, parents should be close enough to their kids for them to feel comfortable enough to talk to them.
But mostly, they’re clueless.
.. no.
No, not necessarily. My brother doesn’t fit the flamboyant stereotype, so he kept it well under wraps until his junior year of high school. Lesbians, in my opinion, are harder to figure out anyway…they don’t have the same flamboyant stereotype as men (although they have that really manly stereotype..which is just that- a stereotype.) Parents aren’t clueless just because they don’t realize their child is gay.
No, I think people will intentionally hide many things from their parents if they really want to.
I would put money on them being bad parents, if their child doesn’t feel comfortable telling them that she’s a lesbian.
The principle was definitely out of bounds in going to the parents.
No. It’s not like gayness can be identified by a giant red A imprinted on your forehead. Unless they flaunt same-sex dates, there’s really no way to know for sure, especially if you’re not expecting it.
Tans are icky looking.
http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com/ seriously. you see this kind of stuff on there all the time.
No, not at all.
-CrazyKey123
No, as a teenager myself, hanging out with other teenagers, we’re verrry good at hiding things from our parents. As good and honest as we may be towards the parents we ALL hide SOMETHING.
I remember when I came out to my mother. 18 years old, all proud, I went into her room and announced “Mom? I’m GAY!
” She burst into tears and I think the first thing she sobbed out was “I always knew…”
Which was funny because I had been seducing brothers AND sisters up to that point. Later, I realized I wasn’t really gay, but I sure could suck a mean dick!
What in the HELL is that beast in the picture? Confused it looks like…
@lovesporks - Are you gay? Because I was stalking you, I’ll drop it if there is no point.
no, because not everyone begins dating in the 6th grade. some kids don’t start until their 16, and some are late bloomers. I was a late bloomer and my mother thinks I’m at least bi because I was “really close” to a female friend of mine. -sighs-
I am straight. I almost wrote that I have self-esteem issues, but I don’t – I’m as fat as I think I am. I don’t “hate” myself, I just wanna lose some weight.
@SladeTheGreyFox - ditto
I agree with
SladeTheGreyFox! It’s all in how much communication you have with your kids. Not only that, but if the parents are openly homophobic, the less likely the kids are to tell their parents about their sexuality!
Like most social stigmas, parents like to avoid the issue and play the ‘not my child’ card with regards to thier childs sexuality. Many people in this country still think its a choice, and contend that a childs upbringing is wholly responsible. That puts alot of undeserved pressure on parents.
That said, its very easy for parents to unconciously look the other way. I should know, my parents have been doing it for five years now with me.
I wonder why so many younger people read your site. Perhaps it is because they want a quick read with a quick answer while “older” Xanga folk like to read about each other’s lives and become involved in more of a friendship?
i think obviously they should know but really it’s not up to them to decide but their daughter instead. she can either be very private and that is something extremely private or tell the truth. uh, i’m going with the first cause of what it might cause.
sex is tough enough for parents & kids to be talking about together that when you add the gay factor in, there are no doubt a lot of parents that really do not know about their offspring’s sexuality. do the kids even know? a young lady in our (not immediate, but nearly so) family went through several years of her adolescent life trying to answer the question for herself. she has a boyfriend now, so maybe she got it figured out or maybe she just wants to “feel normal” i don’t know…
maybe. Sometimes they want to give their child the benefit of the doubt. Or just don’t want to believe the facts or clues.
gay,,,, hahahahahaha,,, thats not what id call it,,,,,gay means happy,,, most kids should be gay id think.
yall need to brush up on your vocabulary.
NO… I don’t think people walk around with their sexuality on their sleeve…
For some people sex is not the end all or be all of their existance, I mean it isn’t how they define themselves… So how is a parent supposed to know that one thing… when their child is SO much more then that… especially if the child doesn’t want to tell them…
The parents aren’t clueless, some kids keep it a secret, even from the people they hang out with all the time.
@GhostBenjimon - no, i’m not gay.
yeah, to speculate on the parents is hard too do. Kids can hide things if they want to bad enough, and if the parents don’t suspect anything wrong or different, then they probably won’t bother them, or go snooping around.
so I guess my answer is no.
I think ’children’ go through changes rapidly, as part of learning about the world and themselves. Many times they make major decisions based on hormones, conflicted or confusing emotions or without real understanding.
No, not if the child is good at keeping a secret.
no..not clueless….
sex is a personal thing….
would one think the same about a fetish?
That’s a hot principal.
@darkoozeripple - I doubt most of Dan’s readers are bisexual, but it wouldn’t surprise me. Personally, I never experimented. I’ve always had a girlfriend. Even in elementary school.
And there are people who don’t know their spouses are gay.
Oh, but to answer your question, unless the child is dating members of the same sex, than no.
I think most children try to hide it if they feel their parents wouldn’t understand. kids are like that.
i suppose it depends on how obvious the situation. . my parents knew I was gay before I told them. . . but then again I didn’t try and hide it at all.
There are two ways to look at this, as I see it. Parents are often in the dark about their teen’s behavior because teens often find it very easy to hide things from their parents. On the other hand, if someone has kids they really ought to take some time to build a relationship with them so that there is no hide and seek, but the kids feel comfortable with who they are and with who their parents are. Part of the problem is that sometimes parents get too busy with their own lives to notice what is happening to their kids.
Not at all; my parents have no idea, but we hardly speak to one another. It’s just a matter of how close they are.
dugg for the hot lesbian pic. oh wait this isnt digg. the parents: maybe not clueless but probably in denial. and, since i missed the other post, I’ll chime in here: I definitely think the parents should be informed so they can support the child. it can be extremely difficult for gay and lesbian teens growing up. I’m sure this was pointed out.
the question i have to ask is “can someone really be gay or lesbian?”
I would say no, they are not clueless. Some parents and children don’t have that great of a relationship. Other parents may not want to believe that it is true. If they child is not open about being gay then the parent won’t know until told. Parents aren’t mind readers. They can’t tell every thought their child has. How are they going to tell that their child is gay if there are no signs pointing that way and the child is not open about it?
Why in the fuck did the principal do that? And is that picture the lesbian girl, or one of your favorite playmates?
No. Kids will go to extreme degrees to hide something from their parents, especially something so epic. Also, a lot of people who are gay don’t “seem” gay. Which really just means they don’t live up to the stereotype, but that’s what most people base assumptions of sexual orientation on. And I don’t think parents generally even consider the possibility that their kid could be gay most of the time. It’s not that they’re “in denial” necessarily, they just never even thought to look at it that way.
No, a lot of kids/ anyone underage tend(s) to hide it from their families for fear of their reactions or being treated differently. It’s a lot to deal with.
@GhostBenjimon - Just because it looks like you need a good ego flattering, I’ll have you know I searched through every comment on this post just for yours.
Yeah I think so. That’s something you should notice considering you’ve raised them and you see them every day.
@general_chicken - uh.. what?
parents ARE usually clueless…
ryc: it’s somewhat complicated to explain, but i believe that gay or lesbian is by choice. it’s not who they are, apart of them, in their heart, or in their genes. it is a clear decision to be gay or lesbian. does that make any sense?
as for the answer to your question, we live in a different world compare to our parents. they are clueless.
no
kids can be pretty good at hiding things from parents. especially if they know it’s something the parent is going to have a hard time taking.
Believe that the reason we don’t have maps is because we gave all of them to other countries, such as South Africa and Iraq and such as.
@OfElection - ”Never” and “always” are just words. Obviously I struck a chord with you somewhere. Any sane person knows there are no absolutes, but MOST OF THE TIME, some things are certain. Most of the time a parent knows. Better? Sheesh…
Yes or no.
My parents knew before I told them.
But then there are also the parents that suspect, and dont want to believe.
Then then parents that are clueless, they exist.
Parents often dont know many things about thier children.
Some kids are very good at hiding secrets, but then again my wife and I do not have children. Dan, skittler335 told me to come here and seek your help, if you could go to my site and look at the blog from August 20 and help out i would be very appreciative.
I’ve heard of some kids hiding it until they were over 20.
Not necessarily. I used to pretend to like boys back in the day so that they wouldn’t suspect anything.
A lot of parents, I think, would rather live in denial than believe that, horror of horrors. their child would be gay. I know my mom is still trying to live there, and I’m 31 years old.
Every set of parents and children are different, so while I think some parents are probably in denial, there are some that really are clueless, because the child is confused and clueless as well, because they are very good at hiding it, or because the parents have their heads buried in the sand and aren’t in touch with their kids. Any of those scenarios is possible. I’m very close to my kids, and I think I know them pretty well, but I know it’s always possible they could be covering something up or lying, because I’ve caught them lying before, occasionally, about something of which I had no idea whatsoever. If they don’t want you to know, they will say or do about anything.
Parents who are in denial tend to be the type who would freak if they found out their child was gay. While parents may not agree with that lifestyle, they should still love and accept their child within the family, and really get to know them!
Not always. I have a good friend who is gay, however he has really religious parents so he’s not telling them until he has his own steady income. I had no idea he was gay until he told me and he said his parents just think he’s focused on school and doesn’t care about dating.
(totally off topic)
If the kid is gay……
the parent should beat it out of them..
because its nastyy…. a sin/…
and NASTYY!
thanks for readin this..
have a nice NON_GAY day!
denial ain’t just a river
I’d it depends on their relationship, but then again the child could just be choosing to hide it from then for whatever reason until they feel ready to come out.
@BrownBarbie_2006 - Struck a chord? No. I just found it exaggerative to say all parents know, and then use your own example as proof. I know those are just words, but words are almost all we have got. If you’re not careful, you’re likely to turn someone away by assuming that they or someone they know act a certain way. Perhaps that doesn’t matter.
Not necessarily clueless, but potentially out of touch with their child. It’s also possible that the parent realizes their child is gay but is in denial, or that the child has done a very good job of staying in the closet.
At that age, kids are moody and unpredictable. There’s hardly anyway to tell what your kids are up to short of seeing them with another girl. How could they know unless she told them or brought a girl home?
not necessarily, i hid a few things from my parents that were way more obvious than sexual orientation.
some people are just really good at being secretive.
I don’t think so. Unless this girl was very obviously openly lesbian, the parents could probably live their whole lives not knowing.
well my parents really had no clue. until like i told them that kari is a lesbian. and then they started to get suspisious..
and what basically finally blew my cover was they found our first break up note sorta thing in my car… but they still try and play it off and they like to think i still ike boys and that im gonna marry one someday..
they just avoid the topic about it..
but its not uncommon for them
my moms favorite nephew is gay. so it is in our family thing.
Some are clueless and some suspect their child are homosexual but hope they will eventually get out of that phase and convert back to heterosexual.
not always… some people are able to hide it really well….
i have a couple coworkers who i’ve found out about and was totally surprised….
Kids, didn’twant that there parents will know what they are doing , because sometimes they think that there parents will get mad.. thats why they are afraid to tell…..
De.Ni.Al.
No, I don’t think so.
Nope. Unless it’s extreame in it’s obviousness (say, she brought a girlfriend home or exhibited signs of actually being attracted to women more than men), parents don’t know. Its not the fault of the parents if their kids end up having a different sexual orientation than their own. Its just the way it is.
haha most likely they are clueless. i have a thing for looking at girls picture rather than guys although i’m completely straight and have a boyfriend, but my mom thought i was gay!
Probably. It’s kinda hard to miss (especially since I don’t think homosexuality is genetic).
Not particularly…People (children included) may be very good at hiding things…being gay/lesbian included.
Some are clueless. For some people it so obvious but for some they spent so long hiding it that you can barely tell. It’s becomes their secret life and they will tell their parents when their good and ready
I think that it depends on the parents, children, and their relationship. Sometimes the kids are good at hiding it or in denial themselves. Discovering and affirming one’s sexual preference is so hard and confusing and I’m sure that watching your child go through that is hard and confusing too.
yep =D
well, i agree with the denial thing but a lot of parents also believe that it’s just a phase.
but most of all, most gay children (like me) try to stay in the closet. the easiest way for a parent to find out is the computer, so if the child has his/her laptop for themselves, then the parents probably won’t find out until college or later
It eventually gets out and in which the parents react in three ways. Accept it and be cool with it, go into denial mode, or kick their own flesh and blood out sometimes just after a good beating.
Of course it doesn’t make them clueless. Despite the stereotypes, there are no obvious or clear-defined “signs” and there isn’t a certain way that they act. They’re no different than anyone else, they’re just attraced to the same gender is all.
I also don’t like the term “gay children”, since they reveal it as adolescents which shouldn’t be referred to as children.
xpcabocy wrote: “or kick their own flesh and blood out sometimes just after a good beating.” People who would do that, especially the second thing, don’t deserve to be parents as far as I’m concerned. I know you were just giving example, I’m only saying.
No. Some kids try to hide it, a bunch of kids don’t fit the stereotype, and it just never occurs to some parents.
Not neccessarily. The lesbian teen might have just been more open about her sexuality with her friends about it. Usually when someone wants to comes out of the closet, they tell their friends first, because they’re generally more comfortable with telling them. It’s hard to come out of the closet to Mom and Dad because they can put a lot of expectations on you to not be that way; the child might be afraid of abandonment as well.