December 28, 2008
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I Love You
I was reading an interesting article where a woman suggested that if she has a daughter one day, she is going to tell her to never say to a man “I love you” before the man tells her those three words.
Her thinking is that it often takes a man a longer period of time to be ready to express those words and the woman ends up putting herself out there with a potential for letdown. Here is the link: Link
I thought about it and when I was dating, I never said “I love you first.” Now I am more open and I tell people that more openly.
Do you wait for the other person to say “I love you” first?
Comments (164)
FRIST
But I’m more comfortable if the other person says it first, yeah.
Haha, if you both want to wait for the other one to say it, it’ll never be said.
I firmly believe a man should say it first. It normally takes a guy longer to fall in love and from many years of experience if a woman looks too interested too fast it scares guys off.
I say it when I feel I’m ready. Why wait? The other person may even be waiting for you to say it first. We’re not guaranteed tomorrow so if you feel love for someone today, tell them… You may not get another opportunity to do so.
On several occassions I told the other person first, but now… I’m going to wait. Only because *I* take it more seriously than others.
No. I’ve said it first.
You say it whenever you feel it.
Well when i make the choice to love someone…i let them know. But it takes a while for me to take on that much responsibility.
I’ve only said it to a few people (other than family and friends) and it was different with each of them. I say it when it feels right. My husband actually said it to me first though.
@captain_jaq - THIRD OMGBBQROFLMAZOGAWWWWWWWWWW.
No, but I’ve been married for going on 7 years. Of course, when I was dating, I still wouldn’t wait. If I felt it, I felt it. Luckily, I didn’t feel the need to say those three words often.
)
Of course not! I say it when I feel it. And if he doesn’t feel the same way, that’s fine, whatever. But I certainly wouldn’t wait. That’s a really dumb way to lead a relationship or a lifetime.
Say it when you’re ready. No matter the gender, love is recognized at a certain point. Don’t say “I love you” just because you’re in a relationship. Say it because you mean it. I don’t think you can go wrong with that.
Actually, I might have, but I don’t specifically remember doing it… Most times I wait though.
you should say it when it feels most appropriate.
if there is any doubt at all,
don’t say it.
Well, I’ll say it first, since you never said it to me yet.
I hate you.
I think I’d rather hear it from the man first.
The boy said it first to me.
Hm, I’ve never loved, so I would not know.
Nope, I actually said it first, but it was just a matter of who spoke first … he’s such a gentleman.
I have said it first 2 times, with both guys I loved, and it never worked out. Not that they got scared away but the relationship just wasnt meant to be. So I am now waiting til they say it. And hopefully I will feel the same!
no.
I waited.and I think I’ll wait again, just because I want to see the guy’s intentions first, if he’s just out for a fling or if he’s taking me seriously.
I say it when I feel it whether or the other person has said it.
I’ve only said it to three women in the romantic kind of way. I like to think of it as a gun: you don’t draw unless you’re serious about using it.
I don’t really say it first but i do express it in other ways but the guys tend to take a bit longer at expressing those words so i think if we both wait it will be forever so what the heck i’d just start saying it.
It’s the easier 3 words for me to ever say. I lie very well.
Yeah.
Yes, I would wait. Call me old fashioned, but I like the guy to make the first move.
No.
If everyone waited for the other person to say it first, then no one would say it! I’d say it first if I thought it was mutual (which it probably should be).
I have never said it first. But not because I was scared of the impending letdown. It is because the other person has always been ready to say it first.
But I’m a girl.
So maybe she should tell her son the same thing.
No one should say it to another person if they do not sincerely mean it. It’s not a bargaining chip.
Kathi
I usually end up saying it first even though I’m sure nobody really knows what it means to say that.
@AilinCorazon - So you’re saying that you are lying when you say it?
I rather them say it first. But I’d rather have the other person show me that they love me then to say it…Talk is cheap!
“I love you man!!!!!!”
“You still aren’t getting my Bud Light.”
I used to be very stingy with my i love yous….always waiting for the other person….now this year has brought much tragedy to those i love and they will always know, and hear that i love them….
I’m at the age where I don’t care who says it first, as long as it’s said at the right time.
in all of my serious relationships (only 3) including my marriage, the guy always said I love you first, and it was me who had a hard time opening up w/ saying those words…
I wait for the other person.
I don’t say it first.
I Love YOU
I’m just not comfortable setting up these kind of gender stereotypes. Putting men in one box, women in the other is soooooo 1900′s.
Generally, yeah. Or when we end up saying it mutually. It’s really easy for me to say I love you because I feel like if I care about someone (pretty much at all) then I love them in some way. It just makes people uncomfortable, so I try to hold off until they’re ready.
i always said it first, until this relationship. she said it first.
this time, I win.
I do my own thing and will express it when i feel it. whether the other person has said it is irrelevant.
At my age I no longer have the luxury of waiting around for someone else to say it first.
I wait for them to make the move of saying those three little words first. Alas, no one has had the guts to utter them in a serious manner…yet.
I’m usually the one in the relationship that’s conflicted about her feelings. The guys have always said the three words first, but I don’t think they put as much thought into it as I do. I would never want to say it unless I know for sure it’s true – and that’s happened just once.
I don’t actually wait for the other person to say it first, but that is usually how it happens. It is only three little words but it takes me a long time before I can say it. Now I can tell my children that love them and I can tell my mom but with anyone else, I can’t say it. Even if I do say it, it sounds so forced and fake.
I just did it once at first and that was not in a spoken but in a written way.
I will now.
I love you, Dan.
I said it first because that is how I honestly feel.
I don’t remember about past relationships(but I guess it doesn’t matter when I said it then huh?) but in my relationship, I kindof blurted it out the day he kissed me(after that we started going out). I didn’t even mean to say it because I thought he would be scared away by it, but I just said “I-just-love-you-so-much!” kindof fast, and he was just like “…aw!” He didn’t say it back right then but I didn’t care I was so happy, and I knew he felt the same way.
Her reasons are funny, she doesn’t want her daughter to feel the let down that men suffer constantly from approaching women and expressing our interest in the first place. It happens, no matter what precautions you take, someone’s going to have to face the possibility of being “let down.” It’s a fact of life, people need to accept that and learn that it’s not the end of the world.
Then there’s other people who need to realize that if you’re not interested you need to let the other person know so, so they’re not dragging them around by their leash. It’s going to hurt eventually, and things can get worse with time.
There’s only been one person I’ve had the inclination to say that to, but I probably won’t say it unless he does. Though I certainly will hint about it.
My boyfriend of almost two years said it first to me.
I have never said it.
Oh I’m always the one to say “I love you” first. Sometimes, the bf says it.. depending on what is going on. Like if it’s at a moment of intimacy, then it’s pretty equal. But I believe I say it much more than he does
@casmarie - I’m with you!
@OurUnspokenTrust - And you : )
Love is the bond of perfection, therefore never be afraid to say it
When I’m sure.
not sure, I’ve never actually romantically loved someone before
I will wait. I know we both feel it but I feel more comfortable waiting now that I am older. He’s said it … just not in that phrase… he is probably waiting for me to say it. It is alright, I love the feeling I have and I don’t need to hear the phrase to know… when he does say it … it will just be an amazing experience. Every day with him is the best day of my life. You know you love someone when your day doesn’t feel complete without them in it. (not saying we hangout every single day… we both have our own lives =P)
I’ve never said it first, but then again… I’ve only said it to one person, and he happened to say it first.
I never really thought about it… but I think I’d be a bit too shy to say it first.
That philosophy does make sense, but I really don’t think it should have to matter. If you love them, go ahead and tell them, circumstances allowing.
I can not even tell a man I like him, much less something as monumental as saying “I love you”. I would never do it first because I would never be able to pick myself back up if he lets me down. If I am getting ready to tell somebody I love them, than I want to know for sure that I will hear it back. It will crush me if I dont.
i think it matters more if he actually means it when he does say it FIRST.
whoa, dan, interesting facebook. i always wondered what you look like. :p
I say it when I feel it.
To me, the guy should say it first. I don’t know why.
I always waited. There’s no way I was gonna say it first. Hahaha.
i always wait. and after he says it, i’ll wait some more just to make sure.
When I was “with” someone, he said it first. Ideally, I would like for the guy to say it first, but it may slip out of my mouth beforehand.
i would feel more comfortable if i made the first move there. like i have some sort of advantage.
@CaptainLoveless - No. What I’m saying it I can easily fake it. But I have meant it before. I just know how to say it without it actually meaning a damn thing to me.
So I have no preference.
I feel that you should always say it when you you’re truly feeling it. What’s the point in waiting? So that you can say that “he” said it first? Where’s the joy in scripting your own future?
for the record, he said it first. I was thinking about how I “might” be in love, but then he said it. heh.
I wait until I’m told it first.
I have said it first and waited too, I think you get more reluctant as you get older…we start to fear everything
I say what I feel now. Life is too short to hold things in. I told the man I love, I love you, 3 years ago, and I don’t regret it for a second. I love him still and love that he knows….n he loves me too
her: i love you!
me: Damn straight woman, now go back in the kitchen!
i didn’t play those silly games. if i fell in love with someone i was dating, i’d say so. maybe not right away…i’d stew on it for a while and then get the courage.
i have only been turned away once after saying “i love you” . oddly enough, the guys, with the exception of that one, always said those three little words first.
My parents nor anyone in my family ever used that word. We do care about each other but, we’re not the type of family who expressed warm feelings toward each other in public. Therefore, those three words never came natural to me. I hope one day in the future I will be able to use it with out feeling uncomfortable. And yes I want the guy to say “I love you” first since I’m shy from saying those three words.
i have the same philsophy
Me and my first boyfriend would jokingly say, “Love ya” to each other but that is about. When me and my husband were first dating he told me he loved me first and I told him not to say that until he truly meant it. He waited another two weeks and then said it and then a month later we were engaged. We had only been dating two months before we got engaged, haha. I’d say I would probably wait until he showed it or said it.
I wait for the guy, generally. Because if he says it of his own volition (when he’s SOBER), he probably means it. If the woman says it first, the guy might just say it back so as not to make her angry/hurt her feelings.
Last guy I dated and I both agreed right at the starting gate that “the ‘L’-word” was something you save for a very, very special relationship after a lot of investment and sacrifice have been put into it.
Saying “I love you” have never seemed like as big of a deal to me as many make it out to be. My boyfriend and I kinda just said it around the same time, neither of us actually remember who said it first, how far into our relationship it was said, etc.
I won’t say it first ever again.
ahem:: as a sexual health honors student/intern, i learned that many of the times, men are the first to feel “love” because they’re logical thinkers (even if they don’t say it first). In the beginning of their relationship is when infatuation is at its height and since more men are wired to understand the mechanics of everything, they come to conclude that they are feeling the high emotions [the infatuation] because they are in love.
I always hold the “I love you” for them to say first because I fall in love FAST. =] Then, I know they are in love with me toooo <3
I wait till I’m ready to see it.
*crickets chirping*
Novel idea, I know.
I said it first. I didn’t want to, that wasn’t part of the plan but we were together almost 6 months and I certainly felt the love but he wasn’t saying it. Then after venting to a friend about it, I found him and blurt it out on the dance floor. He immediately said it back to me. I guess he was afraid I wouldn’t say it back.
He still doesn’t say it first…I have to. That bothers me, though I’m glad we’re not one of those couples that say their “I loves you” at ad nauseum.
yeah because if it was left up to me to say it first, the person would never hear an I Love You come from my mouth.
The guy always says it to me first, but they seem more obligated in saying it than actually meaning it.
Love has purely lost it’s meaning.
I tend to wait. I wait longer than the guy does, usually. Now, I have no problem telling my boyfriend that I love him, but we were friends for a while before we began dating–according to him, he had feelings for me long before we dated, and I fell in love slowly, so he told me that he loved me sooner than I was able to repeat it back to him.
Though, despite the fact that I’ve said it many times in the past, this is the second time I’ve truly meant it.
Overall, to a child, that’s good advice–it’ll last as long as it’ll take for them to rethink it and apply to their life as they see fit, but until then, keep them from saying things they may regret later. I wish I hadn’t said it to people that I didn’t meant it for.
Yes.
I think I said it first, figuratively.
I’ve never had it firsttt. I wait for the guy (: idk why it just feels right that way.
no. it’s not about who says it first. it’s about saying it when you feel the time is right. nevermind if the other party dont feel it’s time yet, and is not saying it. i’d rather he say it when he feels its right, then to force himself to say it.
I never say it first…once you say it you can’t take it back
-adieu, stace
Yes, I probably would.
every guy I ever dated told me he loved me first… I’ll say it when I know that I really do love them… but of course there are different meanings of the word “love”…
interesting. you know what. i honestly can’t remember whether i was the first to say “i love you” and i don’t feel it should matter. if people follow “rules” like these, then they are only setting themselves up for love and relationship that follows a specific script. if i ever truly felt that way about someone I would tell them.
i wouldn’t mind if my partner holds back those three words until they feel more sure about my feelings. but i don’t think your partner (male or female) speaking first should ever be a prerequisite.
I wait for the guys to say I LOVE YOU
I dont say it til after at least a month or 2 after dating
haven’t said it yet
its been both ways, Ive said I love you, then my current said I love you to me first
No, I said “I love you” first to my boyfriend…it actually kind of slipped out and I immediately regretted it cause he didn’t say anything back and I never said it again until abotu a week later when he finally said it haha and luckily the relationship has lasted over 3 years and still going strong!
Honestly, I don’t think it should matter. Obviously you should only say it if you truly mean it, but it shouldn’t be a problem whether the girl or guy says it first.
No, but I usually ask them out. [:
I actually never thought about who should say it first….
im afraid of rejection and ruining friendships or any relationship before that 3 words.. so i go on the guy has to say it first…
If you feel it, tell them. Just make sure it’s real first and not a big crush. If they run away or break up with you, you weren’t meant to be with them anyway, unless, of course, they come back. Maybe then it’ll be something worthwhile.
When you love someone you should let them know as often has possible. You never know what tomorrow brings and your window of opportunity to let them know how you feel may be smaller than you think.
I didn’t say it first.
i think whoever feels it first should just say it. i mean why not? life is too short to hold back your love for someone. if they don’t feel it, oh well, i’m sure eventually they will. also maybe they were waiting for you. geez..people should just say it when they mean it.
I always wait, even though I may have felt it for a long time, and even after I’ve heard it, it’s still hard to say. I’m not very good at allowing myself to be vulnerable.
If I feel something as strongly as love for someone, I tell them. It matters if they say it back, definitely, but if they don’t, I still said it and that’s the most important part.
Also, psychologically speaking, expressing your feelings for someone increases their feelings for you.
Why say it at all? It’s most likely a lie anyways. How many people have we told that we “love” them? Only for it to be turned to contempt. Action, show me that it is love. Words are meaningless.
It’s best for relationships to develop mutually, so that you wait for signs that the other is serious about you before declaring your love, and preferably, before falling in love. Till then, just show that you’re interested.
@jupiter312 - genuine comment
haha i never wait for them to say that, so its always bad. Maybe its a good thing, i should wait next time.
I can see her point, being in love and loved back is one of, possible THE, the greatest thing in life and no one like to be let down in love. Having said this the path to true love is littered with pitfalls but thats all part of life and part of life. Love and hurt go hand in hand and the early stumblings you make when your young are part of learning the ropes.
I think its a bit sad, and sort of manipulative to wait for your partner to say it first- when you really love someone you stop thinking about the importance of who said what first you just love them. To wait and hold back is to play a sort of emotional game. Its not worth it. Besides what if they are waiting too? You could end up loosing something that could have been beautiful and fullilling.
This story has a sort of Romantic/Tragic novel feel to it- fine in fiction but is it really realistic, or positive? I think not.
My husband said it first
My husband,,, he was my boyfriend said “I love you ” first. I think I didn’t tell him first because my parents divorced when I was around 13 and it made me very cynical about ‘true love’ ..plus I had two older brothers and they talked about ‘girls’ a lot.
I have five daughters.. I”ve never given that advice. Maybe I should. lol
i feel this is strange. in my experience the guy has ALWAYS said I love you first, but they say it really early on. I would always get like thrown off my horse from how early they would say it. I feel it’s dangerous to say “i love you” first even if it’s what I feel and WANT to say, so i prefer if the guy says it first. But, it’s not like i would never say it first…..it’s just unlikely haha
I think I would love my guy even more if he said it first and really meant it ( i dont think any of the guys who said it to me meant it because they said it so soon after we started dating.i call that a “dick trick.”
I’ve only said “I Love You” aloud once in my life. This was with the first man I truly loved, and when I did say it there was no feeling of rejection b/c he did not immediately return those words to me. I believed in him and in our relationship enough that I knew I would someday hear him say those three little words. In this particular relationship, we started out as friends, and things grew from there. It’s very possible that the only reason I was not uncomfortable after making my own statement was b/c we both trusted each other so much. I personally believe that romantic relationships rooted in friendship have more potential for being a success.
I usually did wait for the guy to tell me first. Although in my last relationship I said it first, we were sitting on the stairs in my friends house talking. He was trying to tell me he loved me but I said it before him coz he was scared it was too soon to say it.
Don’t wait for the other person to say it. If you love them let them know because you might never get another chance to tell them.
let him say it first.
never make the first move.
if a woman says it first she has totally ruined her position with that man and will have problems the whole relationship. i would never say it first. ever. some guys will even fish for it, which tips me off that they have bad intentions. kiss my butt i will never say it first
The two guys that I’ve been serious with have both said it first. I didn’t wait on purpose…they just happened to say it earlier than I was ready for.
I waited and in fact wished we’d waited longer to include the love part.
in my previous relationship the guy told me first, in this one i don’t remember.
he said it first :]
Actually funny story, once the guy said it first but he did so when he thought I was asleep. I never told him I heard and then I said it months later.
I did. but I don’t think in every situation you should do that….. I just think that if you feel it, you should say it.
You really should say “I love you” to whomever you love. If you don’t, you may never get the chance to tell that person how you feel and you could end up regretting it. If the person flips out because you said “those three words”, was it really meant to be to begin with? Just because ‘I love you’ is said doesn’t mean that the person wants to get in bed with you or marry you or anything like that. It means that the person has intense feelings for you and cares about you. If I love someone, I tell them, be it friend, lover, relative, whomever. If you wait for the other person to say it first, you could be waiting your whole life to hear or say those words.
I only say it when I mean it.
Never got that far, ( they usually get tired of me) but with appliances and forces in nature, I have admitted my love.
I guess when the other says it first…
I like it when guys say it first, but if i feel strongly, i’ll say it first.
I’d rather he say it first. My present boyfriend told me that he loved me when I was completely shitfaced drunk, and he was perfectly sober. He said he could have chosen the time a little wiser, but it was the last time I’d see him for three weeks – and it was the longest break in our relationship since it began. Bless him.
I’ve yet to say ‘I love you’ to him, but it’s such a big and scary thing to say. It’s something that takes a lot of thought and feeling. I’d never say such a thing unless I truly meant it. Comforting that he said it first, though. It makes me feel safer, in case I do end up wanting to tell him.
I would say it when I feel it.
i think the guy should say it first.
Nope, I don’t wait for the other person to say it. I think it should be said whenever the person is ready and if the other isn’t at that level yet, then that’s that. Getting hurt over the fact the other hasn’t said the words with you or before you is ridiculous. However, it may be warranted if it’s been a long time since one person said it and the other person hasn’t.
OHGOSH. I read that article yesterday from my cell phone.
I think it should be that way. Like, it makes sense.
Typically, the women in my life have said it first. But not because I wasn’t willing to. There is usually a moment when it feels very natural to say it and when those moments have come in the past, the woman has said it first. Meh. Sometimes I felt like they were saying it JUST to see what I would say in response. Other times I could tell it was genuine.
Yes,I wait until I am told…
I wouldn’t say it first. The guy should.
I don’t know. It depends on the particular couple and situation. For me, if it feels right, then I’ll say it first. If not, then I won’t. Honestly, I’d prefer if the guy said it first. Although, I honestly don’t even remember who said it first in the relationship I’m in now. I don’t think it really matters…
I don’t think it necessarily means he loves you less though if he doesn’t say it first. It would be nice to know how he felt before you put yourself out there though. It would seem that if he was interested that would be something you both express at the same time.
Them first I agree.
First off, this post isn’t about boobies or anal sex, so total props.
And to answer your question, yes, I’ve learned to wait. I know that I build people up in my head very quickly, so it’s best to make sure they’re on the same page.
I don’t say anything that I don’t mean and know that I mean it with every cell in my body.
I have never loved anyone (besides my family and friends, of course…); And I probably will wait for him to say it.
i never said it first.. frankly i was kinda surprised when my bf said it so soon… but the way he explained it was that he loved me enough so that he was saying i could seriously hurt him (like, he was putting himself in that situation and making himself open to me)…
but my definition of love was so much more than just “he could emotionally hurt me”. so i didn’t reallie like saying it.. i wanted to know that i reallie did love HIM before i said it, so after just saying it back to him a few times… i stopped and waited..
and now i know i love him.. and he will know it when i say it
I’m a guy, so I always have the trouble of saying “I love you” first because I’m never sure if it’s the right time. But from now on, if I feel that I love her, then I will certainly say it first before she feels pressured to say it herself.
it depends onthe person
i always feel like if i say it first i’ll be rejected in some way. so therefore, i wait for the other person to say it first. besides, it kind of always depends on the guy with those kinds of things. especially since i always give them the control in the relationship.
I feel say it when you are ready. Though, with my current S/O I waited to say it because I was nervous about it. He on the other hand, almost told me after our second kiss. We had been friends for two or three years when we first started dating and after our first kiss he texted me ‘ITILY’. But he didn’t actually say it out loud to me for another month or so. And he was the first. IT was sweet.
It depends…whoever feels it first should say it. Unfortunately, if the other person does not feel the same they should not respond “I love you too”.
i’m slow to move from like to love, so unless i’m coerced or tricked, the other person is gonna be saying it first.
my hubby said it first… but it took him several tries @ different times (he wanted to make sure i’d say it back, i guess) it was really cute
Yes. I’m a girl, so I think it’s the man’s role to say ‘I love you’ first. I may know I’m in love, but I’ll just show it, rather than say it, until he does.
see i’m the opposite. i want the guy to allow me to say it first. i’m the one with the problem being ready. i don’t like when they say it first. i want to say it first.
I tend to wait, because I tend to develop stronger attachments in a shorter time than I think most people do (could be because of my Asperger’s) and I don’t want to be totally hurt if I said it first and they didn’t feel the same way.
Sometimes, I never say it. But it’s usually not me who says it first. In fact, I don’t think it’s ever been me.
If I love the person then I say it, if I don’t, I won’t say it. I find it more uncomfortable for someone to tell me they love me and I don’t feel the same way…. people don’t usually take “thanks” too easily LOL.