January 23, 2009
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Should your wife have guy-friends?
I was just reading an article titled “Should your wife have guy-friends?”
The author of the article wrote about a few women that had close male friends but then got married.. Apparently men felt differently about their spouses’ guy friends after they were married. Here is the link: Link
Would you feel uncomfortable with your significant other going to the movies with her/his opposite sex friend?
Comments (115)
If I wasn’t invited, yes.
Not really, as long as they were really just friends.
Yeah, honestly… and I know he’d NEVER be okay with me going out with a guy friend.
I have one friend that will always remain my friend even if I get married. However, at night, I would not normally go out with anyone. If it were a luncheon, yes, I would expect my husband to understand!
Not really.
No, your wife should be friends with you and you only. In fact, she shouldn’t even be able to leave the house.
…
Seriously?
i think it depends on *trust*
I don’t know…
If I was sure, without a doubt that it was completely platonic, that would be fine. If they were an ex, or a friend they used to be intimate with, that might be tense or awkward. I don’t think I’d approve of that.
Maybe, but I would just get used to it. It’s silly to tell someone that they’re “Not allowed to see their friend.” The best thing to do would be to make friends with them as well and then no one feels awkward. But at the core of it is the fear of the spouse cheating- and well, if that’s something they’re intent on doing, cutting them off from their best friend isn’t going to stop it- in some cases it might even cause them to feel distant from you in the first place, I think. I don’t want to have to drop half my friends just because I get married. Trust isn’t just for comfortable situations- trust is also for situations that make you uncomfortable.
This is like asking if it’s okay for the husband to have female friends.
The answer is the same either way–saintvi and storiesandsinker have it (basically).
This is mostly a trust thing isn’t it?
@watersedge62 - i agree with you on this one
heck no!!! And I’m a woman!
Just like I wouldn’t be cool with my man going out with his “girlfriends” alone, I would hope he wouldn’t be cool with me doing that.
Its not so much that I can’t trust him or he can’t trust me, but there are many “decent” people or people you think are trusted friends who would like to take advantages of situations when there is no accoutability.. And they care more about their own desires then your relationship…
Plus why couldn’t we all go together?
The husband has girl friends and the ones I know Im not worried if he went out with them.. but the guy friends I do have that I do go out with are all gay and the husband is okay with it.
@laurenmaureen - No one is going to tell me to get rid of my friends. I am respectful and would never make my spouse feel jealous. If he is that insecure, he better show it early on!!
i know my boyfriend woould never allow that male friends thing. especially not the movies at that! lmao
I suck at that – I confess I hate it when other girls influence him. (taste opinions etc)
But he’s cool with me spending time with guy friends. Maybe bacause I don’t really have any girl friends.
There is no such thing as guy friends for girls. Any straight guy that close wants to get into the girls pants, or wishes they were in their pants.
Only if they were gay
Unless they’re the kind of friends that see each other naked, I see no problem.
ooh, i’m not sure…
No, I don’t see an issue with that
I don’t care… my boyfriend goes out drinking with female friends of his. It’s called trust, kids. Have a little. Especially if you’re married, for gods sake. If they are going to cheat on you they are going to cheat on you regardless.
I have guy friends. My husband knows them and is friends with them as well. I’d say it’s case by case. I keep a strict line between me and my guy friends now that I am married. And I’m not inclined to spend a lot of one-on-one time with my guy friends like I once was, either. It’s not like I go out looking for guy friends – I don’t think I’d add anymore. All the guy friends I have I’ve been friends with for 5-12 years. I’m a tomboy – he’d torture me by making me hang out with girls that shop and do only girly stuff. My serious ex of 5 years is one of our mutual good friends.
@suggestivetongue - Preach it.
I’d be ok with it.
I’m not in a relationship, but I’d hope that if I were to marry that my wife and I would be able to trust each other enough to let each other go out with the opposite gender. And if we never have that level of trust, we probably shouldn’t get married in the first place.
I’d have to know and trust the guy in question. I know my significant other wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, but a random guy I don’t know might have somewhat less of a problem with it.
Just the two of them? I wouldn’t like that and I wouldn’t do it myself either. Going with a larger group would be fine.
I would love for him to have another friend, woman or man, because that would mean I don’t get dragged to movies that I don’t want to go see.
Hard call…..I think maybe I would because, for one thing, why wasn’t I invited along? For another, you never know what may happen between the two of them, even if you trust both of them.
I would feel more uncomfortable if my guy refused to have female friends just b/c of our relationship. If he doesn’t feel like he can have girls who are just friends without being “tempted” by them or afraid of what he might do, well, then, he’s not someone I need to be thinking about spending the rest of my life with.
If he tried to make me believe that I shouldn’t have guy friends, then it would tell me that he doesn’t trust me. And that would suck in many ways b/c I prefer the company of men to women.
So, yeah. Friends can really just be friends. It happens.
I’m not married, but my parents say they wouldn’t have a problem with it. In fact my mom regularly goes to see Tom Clancy movies with a male friend of the family because my dad doesn’t like them. Go figure.
I’d want to tag along.
But I don’t know about them going alone
it depends on how the wife is. i mean when i have a guy friend it truly is strictly a friendship, and nothing more. most of the times my guy friend mario hangs out with me and my bf, or with him alone or me alone. so if my bf and i get married i’m pretty sure he won’t keep me from hanging out with my guy friends. it would be the same.
no, i don’t think so…
No! I wouldn’t feel comfortable with my OS going out with his female friends. Absolutely not!
I’ll lock him up in our bedroom with bread and water while I go out with my male friends for dinner. 
of course not, it’s called trust and for any relationship to work, you need to have it
Sure. Just so long as he didn’t start hanging out more with her than with me. XP
I think it would depend on how well I knew the friend. I’m quite the jealous type so if they strictly wanted to go alone no questions asked…I think I’d be more than a little concerned. I might have to follow them secretly and see whats going on…
Yes, I would feel pretty uncomfortable…it’d be different if we hung out with his female friends together though.
Hi
nope, I expect them to. I need to hang out with my friends and get away, and she probably does, too.
yep its totally about trust. the person you are with , if they are a cheater they are a cheater. it doesn’t matter what you do or say. my boyfriend have lots of friends of the opposite sex and we would have absolutely no problem with them hanging out.
I advise caution.
I we had enough trust in each other to have friends of the opposite sex and be able to go out with them, then that would be a great relationship.
I think it’s dumb. Friends are friends, and you shouldn’t have to thwart friendships just because you’re married. If you’re the husband and you have trust issues and/or you’re the wife and you can’t control yourself around members of the opposite sex, then you probably shouldn’t be married, in either scenario.
If you can’t trust your wife, why marry her in the first place?
That’s too complex of an issue for a straight “yes” or “no” answer.
i wouldn’t marry someone unless i trusted them, and hopefully no one would marry me unless they trusted me, too.
so i don’t think it’d be an issue.
Most of my friends are guys…thats how i met my husband, in fact. And if he couldn’t deal with my being friends with them, i dont know if i could have married him.Then again, i don’t go out with any of my guy friends alone. I only go out with other guys in big groups of people and more often than not, hubby comes along. Same with him and other girls. My mom once told me that when you get married your husbnadshould be your only male friend, but think it’s stupid to stop being friends with people once you’ve signed a legal document, just because they have different genitalia. It’s just unrealistic.
Depends. If the guy wants to hang out with your wife alone, he could have a secret agenda planned. You never know. Although, I do believe that trust is a big factor. Be cautious but also don’t forget to trust.
@xthread - lol
Why not? If you entered into a marriage with that person you should trust them enough to be able to associate with the opposite sex.
@saintvi - agreed.
if people cant accept that i have friends. Then maybe we shouldnt be married.
I wouldn’t mind if my bf had a few close female friends. Now if he was still going out to meet up with new female friends, I’d be a bit uncomfortable with them, especially if they don’t know about me. I have some guy friends and my bf doesn’t mind me hanging out with them. I tell him who they are, even if he’s never met them before.
Women are not in control of their sexuality. The fact that a woman can and will have an orgasm during rape is evidence of that.
No, a woman should not have guy friends after getting married. A husband clearly owns her, and is the rightful master: deigned to give her pleasure.
I must lay this out, most people don’t know it.
Penetrator = giver of pleasure. Receiver = property of the penetrator.
In this sense, women, not being in control of their sexuality should absolutely not have guy friends! What if they get raped and have an orgasm?
I wish we had Sharia law here, the Muslims know what to do.
if theres a chance she may run off with one,,, by all means,,,,
@Angelis4Christ - Of course. Trust is imperative. I’m amazed the sarcasm of my comment didn’t come through. I was trying to say, I can’t even believe this question is being asked. (And I can’t believe people are saying they wouldn’t want their spouse spending time with people of the opposite sex. If you can’t trust your spouse you should not be married.)
@HomeStarKike - I wish the satire in your comment was a little more abrasive so people could, without a doubt, understand that you are not serious.
I would feel uncomfortable and it would make DH feel uncomfortable for me to have friends of the opposite sex too. So it’s just better for us to “not go there”.
yes
nope
It depends on the circumstance, I guess.
If it was a “date-esque” activity (dinner for two, romantic movie, et cetera), yeah, I’d be a bit ruffled.
However, if he was going out with a group of several people or having a simple mid-day cocktail/coffee, I wouldn’t mind.
I won’t disagree with my husband having female friends. But if they go to the movies alone, that’ll be something.
Nope, I wouldn’t care. I may have my share of insecurites and trust issues, but that’s mostly contained to myself…not in how I handle others and relationships. Sure, I may later “regret” it (quotations are there because I can’t honestly say I regret anything for very long, but I can’t presently think of a better word)…but that’s no reason or me to spazz out on those I care about for having friendships for any faint possibilities that they’ll betray whatever amount of trust I’ve put in them.
I let people make mistakes. I offer an understanding ear. I let people know of my clearset of relationship rules (which are few enough, thankfully). And if they wrong me, that’s that. I’ll deal with the consequences…and so will they.
It allows me to be laid back, lol. Does not spare me pain at all, nor does it make things easier…exactly, but it does offer me slightly more peace and reason at the end of an average day for me.
Seriously? What’s up with people? I agree with the others, this is like asking if they should be allowed to have friends…and to suggest that their gender matters, COULD border on sexism in some cases. I do not give a damn if the friend’s a guy or a girl, I don’t care what my S.O. says their sexual orientation is…it changes nothing, and I refuse to live in fear for irrational reasons…even if it does end up bringing me more pain than anything.
It’s a part of life. I’m a big girl, I can deal.
If it was just the 2 of them (hypothetically of course, since I’m not in a relationship) then yes, I would feel uncomfortable.
If they were just friends and not close friends and I went along too it wouldn’t that much of a big deal. I would be more comfortable if that person was married too, and the 4 of us went out together though.
I know it can be easy to develop feelings for someone of the opposite sex just by being their friend. I don’t want to put myself or my future husband in a potentially dangerous position.
i like to think that i can trust my man to be with other womena and i hope he feels the same about me. trust is crucial!
I’d be fine with it.
Definitely. That’s not allowed.
If really just a friend, sure.
yes. if they say they’re going to the movies and dont come back until four hours later… then id start getting upset. i’ll trust someone as soon as they do something to make me NOT trust them.
@xthread - I was simply laughing because it was funny. Your sarcasm was noted. I then answered the blog post. Sorry about that.
@watersedge62 - @ScarletMoth - I totally agree with you! Either a spouse is a cheater or isn’t. No amount of allowing or not allowing of anything is going to change anything so one may as well be friends with your spouse’s friends. One must have trust.
@JustGoingAnywhere - yeaah definitely. And I agree with the idea that a lot of the time when people are really suspicious of friends of their spouses it isn’t because they’ve given them any reason to doubt, it’s because the suspicious spouse is only thinking of how they would react in their place. Trust is key because temptation will always exist if you want to find it.
Well, if I trusted him enough, I wouldn’t have a problem. I might feel a little left out though.
Depends on how they met. If they were ever “together” then I would raise a red flag. But if they were friends from childhood, college, or coworkers, then I would be fine with it.
I think it would all depend on how he treated me. If the guy seemed nice and that their relationship was only a friend thing, it wouldn’t bother me, but if you wife is meeting new guy friends, I would start wondering what her intentions are.
If you can’t trust someone to not betray you, how do you built a life together? As long as I’m number one, I don’t care about a girl that happens to be his friend. if anything, I’ll become even ‘better’ friends with her.
i trust my bf enough and he trusts me. period.
ahhh…. depends on the sitch. just any friend, maybe… theres a few that i know are long time like sibilings kinda… im cool with that. and my hubby should be too!
It depends on how well the husband knows the friend in question. If it’s a mutual friend, then no problem. If it’s a friend that the husband met before they got married, then it’s also probably ok. If it’s someone the wife met after they married and that the husband doesn’t know? That’s a bit weird.
As long as he didn’t insist I not tag along I’d be fine with it.
If I don’t trust her enough to stay off her friends when they go out, maybe I shouldn’t be with her at all.
Mine does.
@xthread - But he IS serious. Once a Jew, now converted to Islam. God be with you… That’s what she said.
Yes, I feel that you should protect your relationship. People usually don’t mean to have affairs. They happen when people aren’t being careful.
@suggestivetongue - ditto!!!!
Yes.
Yes.
No. If I’m married, I will trust my husband. And of course please him enough that he will never want another woman.
Um… I don’t think it matters… Why do people think that it does!? Those who have low self-esteem are those who think it matters!!!
Would I let my hub go out to the movies with a group of girls that he had been friends with for a long time before he met me? I would be jealous and suspicious, especially if they only went when I couldn’t make it or if they never invited me.
My best friends are guys. If my husband told me to stop seeing them, I’d probably divorce him. I don’t expect him to give up his female friends either. I’m going to marry someone I trust.
@xthread - Agreed! When will us women learn our place?
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go make my boyfriend a sammich.
=P
@AibellFaeire - Hahaha, yes.
Oh hey and, make ME one while you’re at it (woman)!
@HomeStarKike - …you’re serious?
@BenjimonRedux - Oh God, no, please, I’d rather be ignorant of this.
My boyfriend has very close female friends. I don’t care.
I’m hoping the guy I would marry I could trust enough to have woman friends. It is tricky because if it was a new woman friend and she was hot I would probably get insecure about it.
Sure, I’m a good shot.
Yes I would, I’m the jealous type.
Um, no? Not unless I wasn’t invited, anyway. I hang out with my guy friends all the time, no big deal. And my SO is always welcome to come along if he wants. It’s more a feeling-excluded thing than a jealousy thing.
Yes, I would feel uncomfortable. That’s called a date, why would my wife be dateing a guy and spending quality time with him and bonding with him, that time and energy should be spent on me.
Yea of course. But hell. You get married because you’re in love. Why isn’t he your friend too?
I’ve had guy friends – no, no movies unless it was at our house with dinner(think bachelor and he brought the steak for me to cook for the three of us), although we often did stuff during the day when my husband was otherwise occupied – husband had first priority
none of them quite worked in the long term
1. died
2. became so rabidly neo-con that we couldn’t have a conversation – he, not I broke off the friendship
3. started getting “weird” when HE got married, which actually meant we spent more time together, and then he started seeing one of my friends(while still married), but when he got rid of wife and started seeing friend exclusively, then HE broke it off, so now I wonder….. he broke ties with all her friends though – except her parents
My best guy friend though is my best friend’s husband – which is convenient. I also have a few online guy buddies and martial arts friends in rl…
Guys don’t judge your clothing or hair
No, not at all. I trust my husband. Also, the majority of my friends are men and he doesn’t care.
always had Men friends….
ALWAYS….
Shrugs…..
the hub is fine with it…ALways has been….
33 yrs of fine with it
No, no, no. Absolutely not. Not that this applies to me, but I think that would be completely unfair.
Not a problem with it. I’m very good friends with a married lady (and her husband doesn’t mind in the least).
Likewise, if I was married and my wife had a guy friend, it wouldn’t bother me either.
asdfghjkl;’
I would want him to be ok with it… but I’m not okay with him having any.
i know. i know….. =/
asdfghjkl;’
@AibellFaeire - Where is the original post that’s from?
I think the husband and wife have to come to a understanding with his wife having guy friend and if the guy is married his wife has to be ok with it.
@xthread - I’m not sure what you mean.
If I know her well, I don’t see the problem.