July 20, 2009
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Loving Someone at Their HW
I have a friend on xanga who said I could tell her story but didn’t want me to link her site.
She mentioned that a guy is showing an interest in her. She weighs 160 pounds. Her main concern is that she has known the guy for a few years and he wasn’t interested in her when she weighed 215 pounds.
She mentioned that she is the same person emotionally and mentally. The only thing that has changed is her weight.
Would you want to avoid a relationship with someone who was not interested in you at 55 pounds heavier than your current weight?
Comments (138)
That’s an interesting question to ask. My boyfriend and I always joke that if either of us blows up we’ll “have to have a talk”… IMO it’s mostly about the concern for each others health. Neither of us is built to be any bigger than we are really so to be 55 pounds heavier would mean some serious emotional eating.
what if her personality improved as she lost weight?
Hmmm… I don’t know. It seems to me that this person is superficial. I wouldn’t want to date someone who is superficial.
My ex told me when we were together, if I gained 50 pounds we’d have to talk, but that he wouldn’t love me.
And while I would LOVE the attention, if someone can’t accept me at what I weigh, then they don’t DESERVE me at my lower weight.
yes. if you don’t want me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.
i would. they should like me for me. not my weight size. my boyfriend has dated a lot of girls that weighted less than me, but he doesn’t see weight as a reason to not date someone.
xo
oddly enough, i actually with andrew @AFS90 … sometimes when people lose weight, they gain more confidence, which can make people act differently. Her personality may have become more appealing to him, although, it might have something to do with weight also. I think she could talk about it with him, if he is genuinely interested in her for who she is.
I suppose it would depend on the circumstances. Is his interest because I changed or because maybe he has. Maybe before he wasn’t ready for a relationship…or he was seeing someone else. OR, it could be, even though this girl is the same girl…her confidence has increased and he may be attracted to that as well.
Women do this more often than men. Besides, if he really is a friend, then what’s the problem?
@NoPenniesHere - look at us all up and saying the same thing.
Yes. I used to have a crush on a person who was probably a good 55 pounds heavier than me and it didn’t matter. And when he told me he was starting to exercise and eat healthier my thoughts were not good, I can finally admit to liking this person or whatever because I already did. My thoughts were I’m glad this person is getting healthier. If someone didn’t like me until I started losing weight, they aren’t worth my time after.
@Paige
I CAN handle them…I just don’t want to.
The person does need to have a physical attraction. And it is not as if he showed no interest when she was still a little over weight. 215 lbs is not just a little over weight, that is huge. 160 is still a big girl.
It is up to her but the guy did nothing wrong by not being physically abstracted to someone that big. That is likely bigger than he is and most guys just can’t handle a woman being bigger than they are. And a guy who finds 215 pond girls attractive is going to think a 120 ponder is a stick figured woman.
I dunno, because I’m guilty of that superficiality (to a certain extent; e.g. I won’t rule a person out on weight alone, but it’s a factor in how attractive I find them). BUT I will say that I think the “current weight” in that picture looks just fine.
I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who couldn’t love me no matter what.
AIN’T NO HOLLABACK GIRL!
@PoetMcChick - *high five* very true. We should be loved at our best and worst, or not at all.
@Xcholo4u - I don’t think I am going to be very popular on this one.
@trunthepaige - with no idea the of the height?
no
she’d probably do the same
everyone does. Looks do have a little something to do with someone’s interest in a person.
The only thing I’d be worried about is if she went back to her before weight, he might leave…….But idk.
@NoPenniesHere - oddly enough?!
@Paige
Yeah, I bet you get all kinds of shit for it. You’ve never been one to worry about that though, Paige.
@AFS90 - because of a lot of the time you are busy trolling or something, haha.
There really is a dearth of information that I’d need to have to really give an opinion.
I will say however that if he’s a friend then she should be able to talk about it with him. Plus, there’s a chance that he did have an interest in her at her heavier weight but he hid it for any number of reasons.
@AFS90 - Well, an actual good question . I can’t believe it.
I’ve never weighed more than 125, so I can’t say, really.
@NoPenniesHere - Yep, thats the best point I’ve ever heard him make…but then I know who he really is
Eek, probably not. I wouldn’t like me if I were 55 pounds heavier, and aren’t you supposed to not truly be able to love someone until you love yourself? Couldn’t do it at that weight, seriously, but l also have self esteem issues and past weight problems.
Though, my hubby and I have a pact not to leave if the other gets fat – we’ll just both get fat.
Not really, we’re both naturally smaller and would probably go crazy with too much extra weight. But I wouldn’t blame him for not being attracted to me, because I know *I* wouldn’t be attracted to me like that, were I in his position, if that makes sense.
I’m sure her personality changed too. She’s probably more confident. Lord knows I’m not as confident and when I get back to how I was at my perfect weight I’ll feel amazing again. But I’m not sure what to do in that situation. I’d avoid it at all costs, but maybe she’d do the same thing? I guess if she’s still into him, then maybe she should give it a chance.
@NoPenniesHere - Using the picture and 160 as the middle weight I have an idea. A girl would need to be 6’3″ before 215 was not huge but 160 would be skinny then
if she’d gone from a relatively healthy weight to a much lower weight, like from 160 to 110, then maybe i’d be worried he was just shallow. but not from 215 to 160. 215 is not a healthy weight for a woman, and i can’t blame anyone for not wanting to have an unhealthy partner…
If the guy was truly only interested in me because I’d lost weight, then yes, I’d be turned off by that. If it were more complicated than that and I actually got together with such a guy, I would use the incident instead as an opportunity to make fun of him mercilessly.
Thank goodness I probably won’t have this problem! I’m already committed.
@trunthepaige - well, being a person that has been overweight before…i would actually agree i felt huge being close to the 200 range, but i had a medical problem that was causing me to gain weight. the problem is weight is being unhealthy, not looks.
I couldnt date someone if they wanted me to weigh 35 pounds.
The idea that physical attractiveness should play no role in your selection of a girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband is bullshit.
I, for instance, find brunettes to be very sexy, much more so than blondes. In fact, all but one of the people I have been interested in or had a crush on in my life have been brunettes. Does that make me a disgusting pig? No, it means I prefer brunettes, just as this guy prefers thin people.
No. I wouldn’t expect a guy to be interested in me if I were over 200 pounds, to be extremely honest.
If he took interest in me only after I lost weight, I would consider it human nature.
Avoid the asshole.
as shallow as it seems – I dont think I can date anyone thats 50lb heavier than their current weight
because I dont date skinny guys to start off with – if they gain 50lb – yes it’ll be good for them – but again i wouldnt date them in the first place
If they’re average weight + 50lb = fat — and I dont wana date fat guys
50lb is a LOTTT !!! 10lb is iffy for me already 5lb is okay but no more than that
Appearance is the least important part of attraction, but it remains a part nonetheless. Within reason, we should all try to put a good foot forward for our spouse/companion. It is considerate of the other.
Obesity however is not healthy, and not healthy is not attractive. These are basic survival instincts that simply cannot be turned off like a light switch.
Well does she feel happier that she has lost weight. He might be showing interest in her because she might be shinning more. yes shes still the same girl but the energy she gives off could be better. When someone is loving themselves it shows and ppl take notice.
I’m a girl and I don’t find that shallow. Of course, I can’t really even act interested in someone I’m not attracted to. She lost all that weight, good for her, and surely she’s noticed an increase in male interest as her weight has gone down. So why would it surprise her that this guy was like that too? I mean I’m at 5’11 (according to my male friend, at least) and the heaviest I’ve ever been was 155, and even then I wasn’t close to being overweight. But I get self conscious now if I even get close to that weight, so if I even gained twenty pounds I wouldn’t expect to be treated/looked at the same.
I think I would avoid dating them…I mean… if you’re the same person and only the weight changed… then they guys opinion changed with the weight, and that’s just not right. If it was personality…he would have liked her before, and still liked her now.
Yes.
No, because I’m chubby right now and if I lost weight and a girl noticed me finally, I’d be happier than a school girl.
i wouldnt!
well. you dont think she changed at all confidence-wise? cause sometimes when your self-image improves you become naturally more confident and outgoing.
cause idk – i was friends with this big band of guys, right, but i was just “one of them” for about 2 years – i was going through a lot of stuff, was always depressed or tired, and then idk one year i was like, you know i kind of like the way i am, i’m sticking with this. maybe i wore more makeup or something. idk how it showed, but all of a sudden i was getting all this attention, and my guy friends (same jerky dorky guys) were suddenly like, “shit she’s hot.”
i mean i still knew they were full of it though….so, sort of similar situation.
I’m 5′ 9′ and before I was pregnant, I weighed 215 lbs. I experienced rapid weight gain for a year and a half prior due to a tumor on my pituitary gland, which was removed by brain surgery last September. I’m assuming the girl isn’t as tall as me? I was much heavier than my norm, yes, but because I am tall it was distributed and I wasn’t huge by any means, just ‘curvy’ (which I’m ‘curvy’ even when at an ideal weight – thanks to nice, wide, German hips : ) But people guessed me to be WAY lighter than I really was. Even so, it was a hard hit to my ego and self-confidence at times carrying so much extra weight when prior to the tumor I had been very athletic and toned as I was a weightlifter (NOT bodybuilder). And it was even worse that because of the tumor, I just kept putting weight on.
That being said, I can’t say I would’ve been able to blame my husband (who married me in the midst of all this rapid weight gain) if he wasn’t attracted to me when we first got together because of the weight gain. I think if most (not all) people are honest with themselves, they would admit that they find themselves not so physically attracted to someone who’s overweight. We all have a body type we prefer, and some people are okay with or prefer bigger girls. And some people don’t. Sure, it’s superficial, but it’s what also helps keep our species alive. I think it’s pretty common for people to not give someone a second thought at first, but seeing them some time later when they’ve lost a significant amount of weight might cause a second glance or an attraction that wasn’t there in the first place. Maybe nothing about her stood out at the time that made him think, “Gosh, she could be the one.”
And on another note, most women, when heavier than they like or overweight, suffer from self-esteem and confidence issues (same is true for men). This is a personality issue, as the vast majority of us aren’t attracted to someone who berates themselves or is constantly talking about how fat they are or wear certain clothes to hide their body, etc. Usually low self-esteem regardless of size is a real turn off. I don’t know if that was the case with this girl, but it’s certainly been the case with me.
All that to say no, unless the person made strides to make me feel worse about my weight at the time, I doubt I would avoid a relationship with the person. Exceptions to the rule would be someone who made me feel like he’d dump me in a second if I didn’t maintain a certain weight or made me feel awful (comments, etc.) if I started to gain a little weight again.
Yes, yes I would. When I was at an unhealthy weight I had people who would compliment me and I just felt so awful about it! I knew I looked unhealthy and knew they could tell, and for them to seemingly ‘encourage’ me was just so wrong. I gained weight *yay!* and I was looked at differently. I will say though, that if anyone wanted me when I was unhealthy and supported it… well, that’s a special person indeed! Not worthy of my attention. But that’s just in my own little opinion…
Yes, I would avoid them because it’s like that movie, Shallow Hal. Their inner beauty is what counts, and if the guy can’t see that, then they might date someone who was beautiful on the outside but an old hag on the inside.
I seriously doubt he had no interest in her when she was heavy, but physical attraction just happens to be a huge part of overall attraction. It may seem fishy, but the weight differences do swing things. It’s a fact of life. Is she going to regain the weight everytime she meets a guy to make sure he’s interested in her personality? Would anyone stay? We’re talking about base interest, not someone whom has loved and been married to her for several years or something of the sort.
@trunthepaige - You are always popular with me!
Well, considering that 55 extra pounds on me is a 50% increase in weight, I wouldn’t be surprised…or insulted, or whatever. Nor would I date someone who is 55 pounds overweight. I don’t care how superficial anyone wants to say that I am, it’s a matter or personal health. I don’t want someone who is unwilling to take care of themselves or is too lazy to go on a diet or even to just stop overeating junk food and avoiding health foods. I don’t want someone who has the mindset that allows their body weight to climb so high.
I wouldn’t date someone that is superficial like that.
@mr_faust - YUP
tell him no.
you have an awesome bod now.
why settle? he’s not the only one who will show interest.
give yourself some time. what’s the rush?
especially if that’s the kind of guy that’s into you.
next please!
Not if her personality/confidence level/other shining qualities were still awesome.
If she had nooothing going for her, at all, then blech. Personally, I think I’d prefer the 1st pic?
Tsk tsk. Sad.
If you didnt like here fat, you’ll hater her thin. Most overweight people can lose the lb’s however they come back on quickly. It’s not the weight she needs to concentrate on, it’s the habits. And tell the guy to go to hell.
Maybe he was interested in her the whole time just not in a physical way. Many people prior to this comment are spouting this nonsense about someone loving them at their best at their worst. When’s the last time any of you fell in love with an obese person? Or with someone of average size who became obese? When was the last time you expressed a sexual interest in a person shopping in the big and tall place despite not being tall?
no matter what my weight might be the person would take me as I am – 55lb + or not, I wouldn’t bother going there
You don’t sleep with personality. I think that it isn’t such a bad thing to want to be with someone you’re attracted to.
Though, if she feels disrespected she shouldn’t be with him. ♥
No… that’s just dumb.
I have dated people who were 55 pounds heavier than myself, however they didn’t start that way. But, I also have dated people who weren’t your typical desired weight either. Some skinny and some chunky. It’s the personality. However, we can be shallow. If that picture is accurate, which I doubt, than there really is nothing wrong with her either way. That’s my opinion.
Whether people want to admit it or not, I think most people generally have a better attitude & disposition when they are at their optimal weight. I don’t change that much depending on my weight, but I know when I weigh what I should, it pleases & makes me happy. While who I am in general doesn’t really change, I’m just more content within myself & that reflects outwardly in all aspects of life.
Before she gets annoyed that a person who wasn’t interested in her at a heavier weight, maybe she should ask herself how interested she was or is in the heavy guys…….. Goes both ways, she’s just currently more sensitive about it in regards to herself.
Yes. They’ve already proved they are shallow. What would happen if you gained weight again; would they dump you?
If she’s honest with herself she probably didn’t like herself all that much at her high weight or just wasn’t as confident and secure at her low weight. So she probably transformed on the inside when the outside changed as cheesy as it sounds. Tell her to bring it up with the guy, can’t hurt.
I think I’d avoid him. That sounds pretty sketchy to me.
I don’t think she’s the same after losing 55 pounds. She’s probably the same with a lot of different things, but i bet she’s gained a lot of confidence. I’m sure that’s appealing to the guy and maybe a big reason why he’s interested in her now….it might have nothing to do with the weight lost.
I think it takes a really special kind of person to look past appearance COMPLETELY. And we’re lying to ourselves if we all think we’re that person.
My exboyfriend I knew for three years before I became interested. In year 3-4 he grew out his hair, started wearing cooler clothes, his face sorta matured, etc, and suddenly I was returning his feelings. He was slightly obese the entire time, though, so it wasn’t a weight issue. Though I certainly wasn’t a fan of the obese thing.
Basically, I’m saying he started to appeal to me physically in a number of ways, and once he did, I got to know him, and he started to appeal to me in his personality, and then after I got to know him a lot, he was the prettiest boy in the world to me. And I mean physically, even though he had acne and was clinically obese.
Unless you’re blind, you do have to look at the person until you get to the point where you think they are beautiful just because you love them. So you may write people off if there aren’t enough things about them that are attractive to you physically. But I guess it’s different things people are attracted to/can look past at first. It’s very easy for me to look past weight, but I can’t stand the masculine look. As a result, I’ve dated mostly chubby-overweight-obese folks (guys and girls–the guys were all pretty feminine).
We are talking about the beginning of a courtship, not “’til death do us part”. At least not yet. I don’t think it all that unusual for a guy to not notice her at 215 lbs but at 160 lbs she got his attention. If they’ve been together for a while and are talking marriage, then he dumps her when she balloons to 215 lbs, that’s another thing. But if the weight loss is what got his attention, I wouldn’t say overlook it, but I would also say don’t let that be a deal breaker. Some perspective, please.
@and_everything_fades_to_black - agreed.
It’s important to take care of yourself before getting into a relationship.
In the same way, it’s important that the person you’re interested in takes care of themselves.
Maybe she became more attractive to him when he realized she was someone who cares about her health.
There are too many other circumstances that could affect this…I can’t make a call.
i did that for a guy I liked once, and I found that while he was happy with my weight, I wasnt happy with myself and who I had become. You should do things like this for yourself- not for someone else.
Actually, I think I could fully understand their stance.
ITT: Women cry about how men don’t want them when they become fatties.
Honestly, being fat is a mindset. Either you want to live your life as healthily as you can with a regulated diet, or you’re just a slob who doesn’t give a shit about what goes in and what comes out. I know plenty of overweight and even obese people with a “thin” mindset, and I know many skinny people with a “fat” mindset. Even then, nothing to me is more gross than a fat person with a “fat” mindset. Have you just given up hope? Do you not even care about yourself anymore? To me, that is very unattractive.
What I’m saying is, I would never be with a woman who thinks “it’s OK that I’m morbidly obese, and I’m ALWAYS going to be morbidly obese”. Some one who is LOSING weight is demonstrating that they DON’T have that mentality. Therefore, maybe her friend was just plain interested in her now that he could see she actually loved herself enough to make the change. Isn’t demonstrating healthy love of oneself the most attractive quality one can look for in a mate?
im not attracted to overweight people..
someone 55 lbs heavier than i am? i think that 55 lbs heavier than i am is not unusual for a man, so i don’t see a problem with that. although my husband is only around 30-40 lbs heavier.
but i will say that if someone is obese, than i am not going to be physically attracted to them. i will easily make friends with them, and yes, if they lost 55 lbs, my thoughts on that may change. does that make me superficial that i care about how much someone weighs? perhaps. everyone is attracted to different people.
NO! NO! NO! It is all about who you are on the inside! Unfortunately, physical appearances change; you get fat, wrinkled, lose hair, hair grays, age spots and so on…. If he did not find interest with who she is on the inside, there is a possible chance he will lose interest soon enough.
I agree with everyone who said if you can’t except me at my worst,you can’t get the best either. People are attracted to what they are attracted to. That’s life.
I remember reading an advice column and a woman who had recently lost a lot of weight asked the same question. She should definitely give him a chance
Yes she is the same person, but she was fairly overweight when they first met. Attraction is funny, picky. Physical attraction is usually what bridges the gap from potential friendship to being romantically interested. If he wasn’t entirely attracted to her initially, you can’t really blame him for not pursuing her. In saying that, if she is going to be resentful of him not showing interest in her until she lost the weight, and it is going to sour the relationship, she should probably start fresh with someone else.
Anyway congratulations to you, secret xangan
I think she should be very wary of the guy. I wouldn’t want someone to pay attention to me just because I am thin and “sexy”. I would rather they pay attention to the inside. What happens if they get married and she gets pregnant and gains the weight back? I mean, will he still be “in love” with her? This could mean a lot of heartache for her.
That is definitely uncool. If he couldn’t appreciate her though she weighed more, he’s an ass. Dump the jerk!
She’s probably gained confidence and self esteem as she has lost weight and is also more comfortable with herself. If she is projecting a better self image then he probably is more interested in her now rather than when she was 215 lbs.
But if she is that worried about it then don’t date him!
If I was 215 pounds and I had a terrible personality, but as I got lighter my personality got better, then no, I would understand.
But if my personality stayed constant and my weight number got smaller, then, by all means, yes.
Hell no!! I have had the gastric bypass surgery and have currently lost 150 lbs and I have not changed my core being at all just my looks. If you did not like me at my heaviest you still will not like me at my lightest and screw you anyway, you are not worth my time at that point. There are so many out there that will look at you for your heart not your size. This is a very big issue to me.
depends on many things.
mainly, will the question bother her?
I’ve dated guys who ranged from 350 lbs to 120 lbs. Physical attraction is a myth. If someone is interested in you for something more than sex, looks doesn’t matter. Period.
Stupid, superficial society. If my fiance gained 50, or even 100 lbs, I’d be concerned about the money we spent on him buying new pants, but he’d still be every ounce as sexy and wonderful to me as he is now at 230 lbs. If he lost 50, or 100 lbs for that matter, he’d still be every ounce as sexy and wonderful to me as he is now.
@AFS90 - Personalities don’t “improve” just with weight loss. Yes, people might get more confident, but her tastes in movies, music, books, etc isn’t going to change. She might talk to people more, but one doesn’t gain IQ points with shedding lbs, and one doesn’t gain more social stamina through it, either. If that guy annoys you, he annoys you, no matter what the weight fluctuation.
@trunthepaige -
“160 is still a big girl.”
…Huh? I only way 150 lb, and I am nowhere close to being big. I mean sure, if I were to gain 10 pounds it would be noticeable, but I still don’t know that I’d call that big… Just a little extra. We are talking lbs, right? lol. That’s just weird to me, because I’m considered by most to be tiny.
But anyway, to answer your question, Dan, no, I wouldn’t avoid such a relationship. I think that physical attraction is a very important aspect of the relationship. If you’re not attracted to someone in all possible ways, then why be with them? Flip the situation around; you wouldn’t want to date a smokin’ hot chick who was a total bitch and had a personality that was ugly as hell, would you? I mean sure, she’s hot, but… If you don’t like her personality, it’s equally a waste of time.
I know it seems totally superficial, but it really isn’t if you think about it. Dating someone that you’re FULLY attracted to – that is looks, personality, and all – will simply give you better results. Not rocket science.
What this has proved to me is something I already knew. I am good with numbers, percentages, estimation and math in general. And that is not a universal ability
@Soul_Pizza - she lost 55 has what looks to be about 15 more pounds to lose maybe more. That is 70 lbs of fat or more. If all is accurate that will not leave her skinny. That does give me a rather good idea how big she is and was.
@trunthepaige - wouldn’t leave her skinny, but I still don’t know if I’d call it “big.” Eh, to each their own…
so he didn’t see her when she was bigger – he DID though – he saw the weight and blew everything else off. now that she is looking hot, he suddenly notices? that’s america. and now with HIS mentality – what happens when they marry and have babies and she gets big and stretch marks and …… ?
It is possible that it doesn’t have anything to do with her weight.
but yeah I’d be worried.
I would ask whether she was slimming down to attract guys. If so, then she’s got proof it’s working. And his finding her attractive now isn’t necessarily an indication that he’s shallow so much as that she wasn’t physically his type before. They were friends because her personality was attractive to him.
She shouldn’t ask whether her new body is what attracts but whether she believes he’s shallow. Even men of character have different physical preferences in partners.
@trunthepaige - thinking is far from a universal ability. As for numbers, even Congress has no idea what those “funny symbols” mean.
I would avoid it. there’s always a chance you’ll gain the weight back and then he’ll just ditch you.
Humm, it would feel strange.
I’m usually heavier when I’m in a relationship and skinnier when I’m single. So… I guess for me, if the guy I dated started hating me if I gained weight, then that’s that. Thankfully, my bf loves me for me xD
BUT, if that guy is only reaching out to her now, maybe it could be superficial, or maybe not. Maybe she should have a talk with him. It also depends on his personality. Maybe he always liked her but never really had the guts to say so, or maybe it’s because he finds her more physically attractive. There could be a number of reasons.
I normally date the “underdogs” of society. hahaha, but that’s just me. I look for personality more than anything.
Yeah – I’d avoid. If he can’t accept you at your heaviest, why put yourself through the stress of wondering whether or not his affection is going to change when you gain or lose a little? It’s better to find someone who’s happy with you as you are. As cliche as it sounds, it’s the truth.
Both personality AND attraction are important in relationships. We cannot always help who we are attracted to. If person A finds person B unattractive at 215lbs but attractive at 160lbs then how can Person A be faulted? In addition, 55lbs is a very large weight difference. When a person loses that much weight they may look very different. When people lose weight they also may experience an increase is self-esteem, confidence, and an improvement of self-image and worth which can all impact how they interact with others. Those changes in personality as a result can also attract someone that may not have found their personality as appealing at the higher weight.
How can you expect someone to love you, without knowing anything about you? Sure you’ve communicated online for several years and I’m sure the relationship has become strong. However, it’s still just on-line.. It’s absolutely different if you know that person in real life…. I would probably be the same… It’s not solely about gainning or losing weight: Rather, it’s about attraction… And sometimes you can’t control the way you feel for someone….
Would you have sex with a person of the same gender as you before they get their sex change, when you are STRAIGHT???
HMMM???? NO???
WOW you are shallow!!
I think that physical attraction is a natural part of a relationship and a necessary part. I don’t think he’s really wrong for not wanting to be with her at that point because she was unhealthy, and one would assume unhappy because of it.
yes…he just wants to get his rocks off.
i wouldn’t avoid it, but i would be skeptical. something such as confidence in the way she carries herself may have shon him the light, or it really could be just good timing. to be short, i wouldnt rely on a suspicion to determine who i do or do not give a chance to.
If my personality hadn’t changed…absofuckinglutely. I want to be loved by that person regardless. I’d feel like if I gained the weight back, that person probably wouldn’t be attracted to me anymore…and thusly, the relationship would fail.
Her confidence may of went up when she started losing weight that attracted him to her. Who knows? Looks does matter to a certain extent.
i wonder if its the same for an A Cup girl who goes to D via augmentation…mentally and emotionally perhaps shes the same but shemay be likely to have more confidence, take things lighter and be generally happier… men may be more attracted to a person who exhibits a newly lightened attitude.. that and the boobs are a nice to have…
maybe she got more confident. When someone feels better about themselves, the whole world feels better around them too.
I don’t recommend you to date him unless you have strong feeling for him. Do you want to have this question back of your mind constantly worrying if he will leave you if you gain the weight back or even worse find someones else thinner? If your answer is no, then why are you putting yourself through this?
the truth is, you have to be decently attracted to someone to date them, and if he wasnt attracted to her 55 pounds heavier, well then he wasnt. its not shallow, its the truth
Why possibly date someone who only started taking an interest in me after I drop 55 pounds? Especially if I’m the same person mentally and emotionally?
I’m not the skinniest girl in the world, but my ex-girlfriend loved me for me; she didn’t care how I looked on the outside. I’m not sure if she still feels the same way, but she’s made me more confident in myself.
Looks can change and so can personality. Taking care of yourself is attractive.
I don’t know any human being who doesn’t look at the opposite sex’s weight. That’s what attracts you in the first place. Homeboy wasn’t interested in her awesome personality because he couldn’t see past her weight. Soooo it sucks, but I think she should still go for it.
Man this is one of my biggest pet peeves. People are way too hung up on looks and weight especially. I have loved women of many weights and the narcissist that were hung up on being slim and working-out are by far the absolute worst people on the planet. And reading through some of the comments left here just makes me even angrier at peoples mindsets. Why does the way someone look determine who they are as a person. A person could be the complete epitome of excepted modern beauty and be the absolutely most horrible person on the inside. In fact that is most often the case. You should always look deeper than the surface and judge people by who they are not what they look like. You’re friend should stay the way she is and ignore the D-bag who wouldn’t give her the time of day at a mere 55 pounds heavier.
That’s a really rough one. On one hand, I think the “right” and “moral” thing would be to not be any more interested just because of their size.
However, we’re all human and I believe attraction is an important part of any relationship (although obviously not THE single most important thing). Healthy relationships should be sexually healthy as well.. and can you imagine WANTING to have sex with someone you’re truly NOT attracted to?
Also, giving him the benefit of the doubt, he may have other reasons stemming from her heavier weight that having nothing to do with physical attraction. For instance, he may have seen her not taking care of herself, which is off-putting. Or he may have thought she was lazy or uninterested in living a healthy lifestyle. Let’s face it… nobody wants to be with someone who’s lazy. You’ll be doing more for the relationship than that other person ever will. And if someone was ever interested in having children, you’d like to be with someone you think will be around to watch them grow up! Perhaps her dedication to weight loss showed him a different side of her — that she’s committed and can achieve her goals if she puts her mind to it.
And secondly, I’d like to point out she may NOT be the same person she was at a heavier weight. Losing that amount of weight can definitely give you a confidence boost… therefore she may have subconsciously become more friendly or outgoing or sensual. When you feel good and omit positive energy, people want to be around you!
you can’t possibly say looks isn’t a factor in interest, b/c it is.
your friend is probably coming across more confident and self-loving as she loses more weight., however that guy seems to be portraying shallowness before and after her weight loss!
We all have standards.
Probably not.
Actually, in my opinion, I wouldn’t necessarily try to avoid that person, but I wouldn’t have a relationship. The reason to this is because if that person wouldn’t go out with me because I weighed more and then asked me out when I weighed less, then its sort of stupid. He’s only looking for appearances and those kind of people are neve the right kind of person. So yes, I would NOT have a relationship.
I think they were friends at the time, then it’s fine. I mean, perhaps he wasn’t physically attracted to her at that weight, but the liked her emotionally and mentally. It stands to reason that they would stay friends and not become romantic. But as she becomes more physically attractive, they could become more. I think it’s ridiculous to deny that the physical plays a part in a romantic relationship. It shouldn’t be the only factor, nor the most important, but it is a factor.
It depends on how he treated me when I was 55+lbs heavier. Was he a jerk? Was he a good friend who was never mean to me about my personality and weight? If so, then I’ll give him a chance.
How does she know that anybody she meets from this point forward would have been interested in her when she weighed 215 lbs.? If he was a jerk to her when she was heavier, that’s one thing, but if he just didn’t find her physically attractive at that time (and does now), that’s something else entirely.
See, I don’t mind if a chick has a little chubiness (usually means bigger boobs). But fat chicks have a sort of laziness and lack of physical attributes that not only make them unattractive but bad partners in general.
Like someone else here and Marilyn said, if they can’t handle me or even don’t want to handle me at my worst, then they don’t deserve me at my best. So no. If the weight was truly the only thing that changed, and I was the same otherwise, and he didn’t want me at a heavier weight but wanted me at a skinnier weight, he can go to hell. As long as a person takes care of themselves the best they can (sometimes you’re still fat and ugly even when you do), appearance should not matter.
It’s impossible to have the same mentality at 215 pounds and 160 pounds.
I don’t think that it would bother me too much, really. I have learned over the years that the way that a guy’s interest is sparked in a girl is generally through looks first. If there’s not that first attention-getter, it just doesn’t really cross a guy’s mind. Of course, this isn’t true in every case, but in most that I’ve experienced…yeah. It’s like, one day you’re looking good and all of a sudden guys that you’ve known for years are acting like they’ve never seen you before. It doesn’t make them bad people, it’s just what it is.
There is nothing unnatural about wanting to be with someone youre physically attracted to. And although she says shes the same person now, I have an inkling that may not exactly be true. How does she know shes portraying herself as that same person she was 55 lbs. ago?Im sure there would be a boost of confidence. Theres the fact that shes healthier and has probably made some lifestyle changes. Even if she did not lose the weight, we all grow, and change. If he was rude or mean to her in the past concerning her weight, maybe that would be a different story. But if hes always respected her, then I dont see a big problem. But as always, if shes uncomfortable with it, maybe she shouldnt go for it, and maybe she still has some personal things to overcome concerning her new weight.
Like a few people said, this is a tricky question. But for me…If I lost 55 lbs..and all of a sudden …Alyssa Milano starts calling….then I’m all over that! and I’m never gaining weight again!!!! But conversely, if I’m healthy and ok..then I gain weight and my significant other (female of course) starts to lose attraction…then screw that superficial B#$%H!! So it depends if it works in my favor or not.
I wouldn’t want to date someone who only showed interest after i had lost weight. I’d rather go for a guy who would love me even if i gained it.
it might not be the way she looks, it might be how she takes care of herself that is also making her more attractive to this man.
though, honestly, it probably is the physical appearance that made the difference. while in an ideal world it wouldent matter and everyone would love everyone for only what is on the inside, but thats not usualy how it works.
she’s gunna have to decide if she’s okay with his change of opinion due to her change of figure. good luck to your friend! and congratulations for taking control of her weight and her life. i admire people like her.
Well, If he didnt want her because she weighed that much, I would say he’s a jerk.
no, there has to be physical attraction. and youre more confident at a healthier weight. people are drawn to confidence, you can’t blame them. it makes you look so damn good when you’re confident.
physical attraction does play a huge role.. i dont get why people can;t see that. Yeah, it’s stupid and shallow but it’s all real. You have to be attracted to someones personality and apperance. its just the way of life. Lame, i know.
Her personality did probably improve as she started to feel better about her weight. I think attraction is important, though. He may not have been attracted to her up until now. I would take it as a compliment.
if that guy wasn’t interested in your friend back then — but is now — it says a lot about what he thinks of her.
I have been overweighted almost all my life, however, I support a person who honestly knows that feels not atracted to an overweighted person, because every one have the right to feel atracted phissically by their romantic partner. Is easy: you have some punds less, you look great, I like you! And it’s honest! But, if you are overwighted, I don’t feel phissically atracted to you, and that is NORMAL! I think overweighted people must accept that yes, we don’t look as good outside as we feel inside (not always its true!), but if we don’t deal with our oversize, it’s ok, but we don’t have the right to judge the persons who don’t feel phissically atracted to us. It’s their right!
Tell you friend to look for support in an overeaters anonimous group, where people with more experience with this, can give her an informed, loving and conciuis advise.
Love to all!
Karla