August 2, 2009
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Trust
I updated my status on Facebook mentioning I have learned again that it is wise to trust slowly. A few of us then talked in a Facebook message about trust.
It appears to me that for the most part, people say they trust few people. In other words, we don’t trust people with secrets. We don’t trust them to be dependable. We don’t trust that one day down the line that they won’t stab us in the back.
Yet if I were to ask on this blog if you were trustworthy, almost everyone would answer “Yes.”
So everyone perceives they are trustworthy but that few people are worthy of trust.
Why are we so slow to trust when we think we are trustworthy ourselves?
Comments (100)
I have no idea. I’m like a “secret” keeper, yet, I’m self-kept.
I’m not trustworthy… I’m trustworthy to a couple people… But I can’t trust myself 100% until that person trusts me straight back.
I think we’d all call ourselves trustworthy thinking of those we are loyal to. No one can be honest or loyal to everyone.
It is easier to view others as the cause for frustration, sadness and general negativity, rather than look ourselves in the mirror and learn that we as individuals have so much to improve upon. Being trustworthy is one of those things.
I would love to say I’m trustworthy.
But it’s all a matter of perspective.
I don’t trust myself.
I barely trust anyone else.
But those I do trust, I trust with my life.
I loved this blog.
I keep secrets, and I’m trustworthy to those who are trustworthy to me. If someone has broken my trust, I’ll more than likely do the same to them intentionally.
it’s easy to trust ourselves when we know ourselves. But trusting others is tough because we don’t know if or how they’re judging us. We don’t know how they work… completely. We know how we think and act, but trusting others with our own secrets is like playing the lottery: you know how it works, you know what the options are, but you don’t know where it’ll land… what’ll happen. It’s just a give-and-take of how we perceive ourselves to be versus how we perceive others to be… As always, the “I” is always better than the “them.”
I never thought about it that way. I’m really good at keeping secrets with like two of my friends, and I’m confident that they’re trustworthy with me too. Otherwise if I’m talking to someone and their talking smack about one of my friends, and it makes me mad, of course I’ll tell them !
Because we’re all afraid of being hurt. So we protect ourselves by entrusting only those we know who are worthy of it in return.
“Everyone lies”- House
If somebody says, “Don’t tell anyone” I suddenly feel compelled to tell SOMEONE. If I can’t hold it in any longer, I’ll tell someone who has absolutely no connections to that person whatsoever and I won’t tell the person’s name. It feels good to get it out, like releasing gas.
Probably because we remember our own hurts, but don’t always realize the hurts we’ve committed. We can justify our own words and deeds because we know what we were thinking and feeling at the time, but we hold others to higher standards and only consider how their actions affect us, not what they are thinking and feeling.
I’m tired – it’s a lot clearer in my head than it’s coming out in the comment box.
People never fault themselves, its natural in my opinion. Whenever you point a finger at someone else, there are 3 more pointing back at you.
@trebleclef402 - Ladies don’t have gas; they are overcome with an attack of the vapors.
It made me smile that we commented at the same time.
@saintvi - Oh. Well, apparently McDonald’s gives me the vapors.
maybe it’s the fear of getting hurt rather than the fear of trusting that we need to overcome. cause to trust means to open yourself to potentially getting hurt. and maybe we need to stop worrying about how much we can trust others as much as how much we ourselves are trustworthy. and maybe we need to stop thinking that we’re any different from others.
about the secrets.. oscar wilde once said that an enemy stabs you in the back while a friend stabs you in the front. when a person is much more upfront about their intentions, it’s easier to see through their translucent selves and trust them.
good thoughts to sleep on.
I don’t trust myself. :[
I’m trustworthy until you fuck me over. Then, you’re toast.
Avoiding the toasting is easy: Don’t fuck me over. Not really all that difficult.
of course, no one is going to bad mouth themselves and say “i can’t be trusted with your secrets!”
I’m not as trustworthy as I should be, but I’m workin’ on it!
You have to earn trust. Once you lose it, it’s almost impossible to get it back. I consider myself a trustworthy person…for sure when I know someone has told me something in confidence. I have had many betray my trust though. I know how it feels so I don’t put anyone else through it.
I like it. It fits into what is on my mind.
@pureboy123 - I agree with you.
I don’t dare speak for anyone else because I know that in a lot of ways I’m a strange person, but as far as my own experience, I know that people trust me a lot. Many people refer to my as their psychologist and tell me absolutely everything about their lives, secrets that they may be keeping from people “closer” to them. They know that no matter what, their secrets are safe with me, and at times I may even have some word of advice for them.
But do I trust anyone on that same level? No, I don’t. I may “know” that some of my friends are that trustworthy, but it doesn’t matter. My secrets are my own. I keep them my own.
Why?
I don’t know for certain. Possibly because of events in my life when someone broke my trust, or possibly because I’ve never tried trusting someone on that level. Perhaps trust is something you have to practice. If so, I need a lot more practice before I perfect the art.
Maybe other people are like me. Or maybe they aren’t.
because we know ourselves. we know what we think to ourselves when no one is watching. how sometimes, with even the people we love, we want to give up.
So even though we have the strength to hold up and be trustworthy, how do we know they will? After so many people disappoint, why? It’s pointless to trust people. There’s no reason.
idk i sometimes dont trust myself. i think i might speak too much and cause my own hurt sometimes. is why most of the time, i try to stay quiet and in the background.
USUALLY, my other friends, have told me their top-kept secrets, and i can keep those. i’ll never even reveal to anyone that i know of it.
just other times, i’m a complete fool.
people don’t like to admit they’re flawed.
That’s funny- I’m the type of person that trusts until the trust is broken- so at this point, I trust quite a few. But, I must admitt, there are some times where I feel as though I can’t trust someone.
I hardly trust myself.
that’s a very good question.
We know we’re not always trustworthy. We tell people we are because we want to be trusted.
Trustworthiness is in the eye of the beholder. Trust me when I say this.
@saintvi - as a protector of the purity of English slang I have to take you up on this “attack of the vapours.” It’s actually an euphemism for fainting, probably from Victorian times. Try “horses sweat, men perspire, women gently glow.”
once you get screwed over, ya kinda lose trust. once bit, twice shy baby !
Because we all know how truly untrustworthy we all can be. We live in denial of our brokenness and salve our frail consciences with a smug sense of moral superiority to others. We all know it’s a placebo, but who wants to accept the real price of redemption?
Most people who say/think they are trustworthy, know deep down that they really are not. Thats why we sometimes don’t trust people, b/c they might say they are…but we are afraid that they are not like us.
And add to the equation everyone has been burned, no one wants to feel the hurt of broken trust. So why even divulge upon sensative subjects with another person at all.
@weakerlink - well said
trustno1
That’s a really good question that I can’t be sure I have a viable answer for. I tend to distrust people because I project my worst qualities over to them without even thinking about it. I know that while I can control things about myself that could potentially make me less trustworthy than others would like to think, I’m just not very good at giving credit to others for being able to exert the same kind of control. How crappy of me is THAT? I’m glad we had this conversation.
When’s my next appt, doc?
everyone may have their own definition of trustworthy… either to keep a secret, or to let someone know about a secret for your own wellbeing, etc…
in the end… what do you trust the person to uphold the most?
I usually trust people until they give me a reason not to. Also I do think I’m trust worthy but I expect no one to come and confide in me.
Ask me to hold your wallet and I’ll hold your wallet. Ask me to watch your dog, and I’ll watch your dog. Ask me to keep a secret and I’ll keep your secret. I’ll do all of these things for you because I am a trustworthy person. Though, just because you can expect me to be trustworthy doesn’t mean I will expect the same from you. My wallet, my dog, and my secrets stay with me. Why is this? I have no idea.
I am described by others as being trustworthy. Then I think of the times I’ve failed and I feel unworthy of their praise.
Even a professional athlete drops the ball from time to time.
No one is trustworthy, everyone has broken trust before, and everyone has lied.
It’s based on a “do you or don’t you piss me off” system.
When people piss each other off, they gossip.. it leads to seecrets being told and backs being stabbed.
The person you trust the most, has the most beef on you.
And they’re generally just timebombs waiting to be set off.
just like nearly everyone thinks they’re a good driver.
we tend to fault other people for their inherent qualities (being trustworthy or not) and fault ourselves only for our circumstances (i told his secret because i had no other choice, but i’m not untrustworthy!).
@huginn - I find that philosophy oddly appealing.
X-Files reference, right?
i lie a lot, so i expect everyone to tell me the truth
mm I don’t think I’m super trustworthy
I trust pretty much everyone. I can quite happily leave my handbag with all my money at a table on its own while I go to the bathroom in a restaurant. No one has ever stolen it yet, and even if they did I would probably still trust them, they probably need the money more then I do or I wouldn’t be leaving it lying around.
As for if I’m trustworthy, I don’t know. People seem to find it pretty easy to trust me but that could just because I trust them completely right from the beginning.
One bad experience can ruin it. I think it depends on what you are being trusted with/entrusting. I think the level of trustworthy-ness increases with the severity of whatever requires trust
Because life has taught me to be careful, that most people are out only for themselves and if it suites them, they will turn on you. it is the “few” who you can really trust and to find that out it takes time.
I dont trust myself
those I do trust I trust with my life
Oh I’m trustworthy, and if you were a woman I would be “Spongeworthy” too
@casnpk - I loved your point of view on keeping ourselves from getting hurt.
I’ve noticed that I never trust anyone completely. I’ll trust certain people with my secrets or big things that i may have to deal with, but very rarely will I ever completely trust them. I’m scared myself of getting hurt. I strike first to hurt someone before I get hurt myself.
I can come up with so many different versions of an outcome that I can’t rely on a person because I’m afraid they’re going to do something that I’ve imagined.
Oh, and then men, are even less likely for me to trust. In my head all they do is lie and conive to get what they want.
And it all comes down to the fact that I don’t trust in myself or realize that all my thoughts are silly and I don’t want to be the one that get hurts by trusting that person so I’ll do something to hurt them. Which then in turn makes me untrustworthy as well.
Wow! Great post! This really hits home because i’m always struggling with it!
I wouldn’t trust myself.
We don’t betray ourselves too often, and when we do we either understand where we were coming from or we’re in denial. That or we’re just not all that self-aware. It’s harder to trust other people because it’s harder to see where they’re coming from. Well, at least that’s true for us non-telepaths.
I trust a lot of people.
Hm… I tend to trust people. But then, I’m probably naive and it helps that I have rarely been disappointed by others. Also, many people seem to trust me (which I think is justified).
i dont trust anyone (not even me parents or siblings) so i dont expect anyone to trust me, simply as that and if you trust me and i betray you….your problem, thats life. my entire life ive been brought up not to trust the older man (or women)……..i’ve never known why they told me that but seeing people get hurt from mere humans has taught me alot…….you were born alone you will die alone.
I’m not trustworthy.. On xanga
Thats a good question, I don’t really think I have an answer.
Children trust more people. That’s because they have little experience with broken trust. Adults have learned not to trust from the few who broke trust. Too bad so few people teach so many that people can’t be trusted.
I’ll admit it straight up, I’m trustworthy to the people I trust.
I’ve talked to this one guy online for almost 4 years and he’s closed up so I never really got to trust him and now we just don’t talk.
@casnpk - As much as I love Wilde, he’s wrong. An enemy is more likely to stab you in the back, while a friend stabs you int he back. The friend is the one who crosses the line they promised, or you trusted them not to cross
@kathan1 - oops… that was enemies more likely to stab front. Too little coffee this morning.
Maybe because we know ourselves in a way we can’t know others, so there are no unanswered questions as to things like motive when it’s us, but there are when it’s other people whose minds we can’t read.
I tend to trust too quickly and too easily, and to take too much of what people tell me at face value. But it has gotten me burned, so I think the point you make on this blog is valid, and I too will learn to trust much more slowly.
This is random, but I like that picture.
I was betrayed by many people on Xanga. I do not even trust the ones I used to consider friends.
All you can be sure of is yourself sometimes. You can’t get in someone’s head and know for sure what’s going on in there. That’s why I hate people that act like they know for sure why I did something or said something.
I think trust is just not running your mouth to people about things you’ve heard. In court it’s all hearsay and thrown out – not allowed. It shouldn’t be allowed in the general public either. Some people have a hard time keeping things to themselves. I don’t. I keep a lot to myself and I am probably the carrier of many secrets – mine as well as others. People show trust when you show trust.
I don’t always trust myself. I have people and situations I tend to avoid because I don’t trust myself with them. I suppose that’s one reason I sometimes have trouble trusting others.
I trust a lot of people. I have a lot of friends who have proven themselves to be trustworthy. I usually trust someone until they prove to me that I can’t, and then they don’t really get another chance.
But I’m also realistic about trusting someone. If I’ve just met them, I’m not going to trust them with my deepest darkest secret, but I might trust them to get me an extra napkin when they get up.
I don’t trust easily because I don’t know if they have the same kind of thinking as I do [[which they don't, most likely]]. I don’t really consider myself trustworthy, but I don’t tell things that aren’t mine to tell. I don’t give out stories like candy, especially if they’re not mine.
I guess I can keep a secret, but I don’t like giving them out.
I don’t think I’m terribly trustworthy. People, as a rule, are prone to failure, and last I checked, I’m a person.
hm. i think my problem is I trust everyone too easily. Ripe for scam.
I remember reading somewhere that most people are overly confident about themselves, except depressed people. So that’s probably why. I’ve always wondered if I’m trustworthy, but I guess not. T_T I’m sads…
Hmm… interesting..
I’m very slow to trust because I’ve seen very few people in my life who are trustworthy to me. It’s a matter of protecting myself, I guess.
I’m not sure if trustworthy is the right word to describe me. I’m only trustworthy to the people I trust. I stick to my word, though. If you tell me not to do something and I agree, then rest assured I won’t do it. But if you don’t get my guarantee, then there’s no way to know what I might do. That isn’t to say I’ll be horrible, I do have strong morals that I stick to, but even those are weird to some people. The main untrustworthy thing about me is my tenancy to lie and bullshit people. I won’t normally do that in a serious situation, but anytime else? If you’re not a good friend, there’s probably about a 30% chance that what I’m saying isn’t entirely true at the least.
Perhaps unfortunately, I’m rather quick to trust as I assume the best of everyone.
Are you really going to read this?
People have certain loyalties and if the loyalty of one person conflicts the the loyalty of another person you’re secret might be in jeopardy. For example, I tell this girl that I like this guy and I don’t realize that they are best friends, she might tell him what I told her not to tell him. I don’t think she’s not trust worthy but she may not find my confidence important enough to keep. I don’t know if that makes sense.
I think people who can be honest to themselves can admit if they are not trustworthy. I consider myself trustworthy to a degree, but I have broken someone’s trust before. People who consider themselves trustworthy when they aren’t either don’t realize they aren’t trustworthy or feel too superior/insecure to accept it.
As for not trusting others, I think it’s a good safety measure. I only trust those who have proved trustworthy, and I stop trusting anyone who breaks my trust. It’s a way of survival.
Society turns us against each other.
ah with these damn questions!
they make my head hurt because I think too much!
I have had my trust violated to many times to trust that easily, so my trust must be won. Am I trustworthy. Not sure.
I don’t expect people to fully trust me. But if someone does trust me, I never even think of breaking that trust.
“Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”
I don’t think I’m trustworthy. But I do trust people easily if they rub me the right way.
Well, if nobody gives you the opportunity to do it, that never makes you think you can’t, does it?
@EndlessDepths - I’m that way too, actually.
@AllMyNamesAreTaken - High-five for being like-minded!
Because we know ourselves better than anyone. You never really know a lot of people, even if you say you have known them for 10 years. years doesn’t really matter.
…like the “trust” workshops people take…you don’t know how trustworthy you are until you do it or don’t…and most of us go in not…?
I am pretty trusting, but on different levels with different people. Do I get hurt because of it? Yes, and it always sucks and I always get angry and vow to never trust anybody and be an angry hating bitch with 50 cats who lives alone for the rest of my life. Some days I think that may be where I’m heading. But right now, I’d rather take a chance and try and trust somebody and maybe have some really great relationships with people than have to live my whole life being lonely because without trusting people you don’t let anybody in, and you can’t build any real relationships. I don’t want that kind of life.
I don’t know that I am trustworthy. I hate secrets. I often fail to accomplish the things I set out to do. I have friends that trust me, and I do my best for them. I try to be dependable for my family, at my job and at my church committments. Other than that, I don’t make promises. That way I can’t break them.
You know yourself. You feel like you could always come through for a friend in need. The thing is, the friend doesn’t always feel they can come to you.
Luckily, most people find me trustworthy (and with good reason). I am a good ear to pretty much everybody, because I keep quiet and I genuinely care about everyone.
Because people are hypocrites?
I am only trustworthy in certain situations. You see, complete trust would require complete honesty and THAT is something that’s only acceptable and cute in children.
We appear to be trustworthy to ourselves because we have access to all our layers – ulterior motives, thoughts, feelings, biases, prejudices, opinions, fears, desires, manipulations, judgements, etc. But we know from ourselves that all humans are very complicated, so even those that we are very close to, we know so little about. So we can’t trust them just in case. That doesn’t mean they are trustworthy, but we have to take lots and lots of time to learn as much as possible about them first.
it’s our way of having an advantage.
where is your
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25869964-36398,00.html post? I wanted to comment on it!!
TWIT. LOL.
That’s an interesting question.
For me, I don’t trust people because I’ve been hurt by people too much. I’ve always said that there’s not a single person in the world that knows everything about me. I recently made one of those “How well do you know me” quiz on Facebook, with 20 questions. My mom got the highest score with 85%, my aunt was next with 75%. Of my friends, everyone scored 55%, even my sisters.
I am 100% trustworthy to people who are indeed worthy of my trust, but that’s not very many people.
I am actually an extremely trusting person (not a great thing to have when you’re off at war, huh?). Even when people betray that trust I’m very quick to forgive and there’s only one person in my life I hold a grudge against. I’ve had girls stomp on my heart but by no means would that be a deterrent for future friendship.
All this aside, I’ve found that very seldom has my trust truly been betrayed in a way that really meant anything.