September 19, 2009
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My Friend the Anorexic
In December, I will have been on xanga for 5 years. During that time I have met and made friends with various people who ran anorexic sites.
My first approach when going to an anorexic site was to correct everything. I would just point out that their eating habits were unhealthy and were going to lead to long term damage.
I didn’t keep many anorexic friends with that strategy and I wonder how helpful it was. So then I tried the strategy of making friends and then taking the opportunity to correct things in certain moments. I am not sure that strategy was very helpful either.
If I thought they looked great at their current weight, I would tend to tell them in the moment so they wouldn’t try to lose more weight. This may be horrible but if I thought they looked better at an earlier weight that was heavier, I would say that too so they could move to a more healthy weight.
If you made friends with an anorexic on xanga, would you correct their behavior?
Comments (100)
i’d try to but understand i can’t unless they want a change
I don’t think I would attempt to change their behavior because sometimes people need to make mistakes on their own, but I would try and make subtle comments about the way they look and how beautiful they are.
Been there, done that. I’ve also been on the opposite side of the spectrum. It just doesn’t work.
I would encourage them to live a more healthy lifestyle. My best friend from high school died from complications directly related to anorexia, so I know what it can do.
I can’t force them to do anything, but I can express my concern for them.
to be honest. No
that’s because to them i’m just another random person on the internet. With their mentality My words would really do no difference. They will just bash at you and tell you are mean. Heck, I wrote a blog psot about anorexia and bad side effects and a thinspo was REALLLY offended. She actually like, made up all these excuses for not eating (because eating makes her puke) and saying how I dont see the larger picture of things >.>.
No.
of course……maybe not try to correct them though. but understand, and speak to that.
I don’t try to correct their behavior per se. I just try to not even mention their habits to them anymore and respond to them as I would anyone else.
My friend’s anorexic, she doesn’t have the sound judgement regular people do about weight and body image. It’s a tender issue I tread carefully around.
well, first of all, people need to know the difference between someone who is suffering from an Eating Disorder and the myriad little peons out there who glorify a disease as a lifestyle choice and a fad.
and, I agree with thesexydevilgirl; it really does depend upon whether the person suffering is far enough down in the hole that they realize they need help, and actually want help, and actually think they’re worth fighting for.
just my two cents, from the front lines.
Yup, I try to correct their behavior. It’s no wonder I’m not actually friends with any of them, since they all delete and block me after I tell them, “Sweetheart, maybe you should talk to someone about your eating disorder… It’s really not the healthy way to lose weight…”
No, and I would hope they would not want to correct mine either.
It’s too intrusive.
Hmm never really thought about it. I guess I couldn’t really change someone unless they actually wanted to be changed. BUt i would encourage a healthier living and healthier choices indefinitely.
I just let them know they are beautiful, that I love them, and that I want them to be happy and healthy.
People look at me and think I’m anorexic. I just can’t gain weight. I eat but just enough to be satisfied. I enjoy a good meal but when I am comfortable in my belly, I stop eating. I just have a fast acting motabolism I guess. As far as how to talk to someone online about it, it’s mostly useless. It’s just about as useless as a Christian trying to convince and atheist online there is a God and only one God. For something that serious and personal you pretty much need to know them personally. But hey, God can do it dispite the internet and our stupidity
@seedsower - Beth, you are perfect in every way!
@UnworthyofHisgrace - aww,you are sweet to lie like that.
@seedsower - Sorry, just being truthful.
@seedsower - I was gonna say the same thing!!!
As someone who has an eating disorder, its really hard to have a somebody, especially a stranger tell me about my habits and consequences when I know what my bad eating habits are, and I know the consequences. Its not like i woke up one day and decided this for me so its definitely not gonna be gone
that quick. im not saying its pointless or even stupid to try but i find it quite annoying because its not so easy to just let go of it and definitely not with a few words.
and realize that a person with an eating disorder wont better themselves if they dont want to.
Being someone who suffers from mental illness, I used to simply try to be understanding and offer encouraging words. Then I realized that, no matter how severe a disorder is, there really is no excuse for anyone to not do everything in their power to get well, including myself. It’s hell living with such a disorder, but there’s a certain amount of comfort in accepting and letting it run your life. It’s especially hellish to have to deal with it and get healthy. Besides that, when it comes to eating disorders, never in my life have I seen so much encouragement among those who suffer for others to remain victims of their illness. Much of the time, it’s all about Thinspo, dieting (ED/weight loss challenges), the posting of daily calorie intake and exercises done (which others with ED’s read and feel compelled to out do), etc. Others support their friends with ED’s in eating as little as possible, and it’s extremely sad. Being someone who battles Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, and OCD, never do I encourage others to stay sick or invite them into challenges that will fuel their illnesses. It’s a major problem I really only see among the ED community.
Anorexia is the deadliest of all psychiatric disorders, and perhaps, the most difficult to properly treat. Though I battle my own psychological demons, I cannot say that I understand what these individuals go through. I can say, however, that one should seek help when help is needed and take full responsibility for their lives. If I have an actual friend who suffers from an ED, of course, I will lend an ear to listen, but I will also keep reminding them that help is needed, and should be sought. Any good friend, in my opinion, would do the same. Any friend should say, “I refuse to watch you kill yourself without at least trying to help and direct you onto the right path.” The mind, when ill, is a sneaky monster. Even when the truth is known deep down, the person suffering will often doubt that truth, I find, and needs to be reminded now and then of what he/she should be doing to better themselves. If the person who is ill gets angry, it’s just a lot of noise, in my mind. I get angry too when people tell me over and over what I should be doing to get well, but at the end of the day, I know they’re saying it because they genuinely care. It’s never okay, if you care about someone, to quietly sit back and watch them die.
Just my opinion.
EDIT:
That being said, I think there should be a balance of understanding (as much as possible), and suggesting help….IF the person is a friend. If not, they’re not going to give two shits what you have to say. AND if a person is seeking help, then by all means, just be there for them and encourage them in their efforts. If a person refuses help and you have tried to offer advice, sadly, you might have to end up distancing yourself from them.
I would voice my concern for them and talk to them if they needed someone, but as I’ve learned the hard way many many MANY times, people can only change if they want to.
I agree with everyone who says “I can’t change them unless they want change themselves.”
@seedsower - wise answer.
Also, Kira Knightly is naturally skinny. She complains about it a lot. P: If you’re looking for an anorexic celebrity I’d go for one of the Olsen twins. I forget which one is. Maybe both. I’m not really sure.
i don’t think i’d be able to.
i mean, my life’s ambition is to have BOOBS! so i’d be like why?? why attempt to be asian?! haha n___N;;
“correct” is such a silly word.
Live and let live.
I have a recurring battle with anorexia and bulimia… Honestly, despite the fact that if I had a choice to get rid of ‘Ana’ forever, I’m not sure I would take the opportunity. Ana has always given me a sense of control and yes, sometimes it does get out of my control. However, trying to tell somebody they are beautiful the way they are or that they are wrong when they are suffering from anorexia is just a waste of your breath. I’m stubborn and when I fall back into the mentality and habits, I become about ten times more stubborn and impossible to talk to.
All in all, when they are ready they will come to you for help, until then, just occassionally ask them how they are doing. It’s about all you can do. We are still humans and we have feelings just like you. Tread carefully around those feelings please…
<3
I like anorexic chicks. They’re flat as a board and easy to nail!
i agree with lonelywanderer2. you tell them the truth – you care about them, and you will not abandon them no matter what. you have to then feel the frustration of what they’re doing to themselves but yet you will stand with them. the posers are a whole different ballgame. i have nothing to say to them at all.
I’ve done some of the same as what you’ve tried. Instead however, I preach Christ to them and try to show them his love for them both using His words and my actions towards them. Some block me; some argue with me; and some repent, seek help and turn to Christ.
Nope, fuck fatty never listens anyway.
Been there, done that, same old, same old. They’re all naive and stuck in their misery too much to move on. I know this… because… I was in a similar thing. Kind of am, but not really.
Love and nourishing behavior is a great antidote to anorexia. Healing people’s heart and minds with loyalty and encouragement (as well as a good example) is not only possible but perhaps the absolute best method possible. Mainly because it’s not a method at all, it is simply authentic love. Love heals.
As concerned as we may be for a friend’s wellbeing, we are in no position to correct their behaviour. If they cannot see for themselves that their habits are extremely harmful, then there’s very little we can say to better the situation. By imposing our thoughts, our deep concern for them will only be misinterpreted as judgmental and we will only end up alienating them. While I’m sure we cannot easily turn a blind eye, we must understand that it’s an issue they have to recognize and deal with on their own.
ofc not…i have more than a fair share of horrible habits and i wouldn’t want people to try and fix me just cos what i;m doing is wrong.
Only they can correct themeselves, they have to recognize their destructive behaviour.
Giving a comment and speaking my mind is enough. They won’t actually change unless they decide to. That statement applies to everyone not just to anorexics.
I might share my experiences, but to correct some stranger’s behavior when they didn’t ask to be corrected, or for my opinion?
Nah. I won’t do that.
I have issues of my own.
I have people who are qualified to correct me, and who know how to provide proper assistence.
Xangans, typically, are not good at handling people with any sort of mental disruption, I’ve noticed.
So why should anyone with a disorder respond well to someone attempting to play doctor?
Really, from my viewpoint, I would rather be treated like a human being.
Not like a disorder, or like something to be cured, hated, or avoided.
So if I don’t bring them up, others should be tactful enough to keep their opinions to themselves.
Usually, they barely understand, anyway.
@Nitzchiya - I agree. It constantly amazes me that folk who are battling eating disorders encourage others to prolong their own suffering. I’ve battled anorexia and bulimia for 16 solid years and would not wish either on my worst enemy.
I have been as close to death as is possible, an inpatient 7 times, sectioned once for 9 months and my knowledge on the subject would rival any ED professionals. BUT, still I’m frustrated with my inability to lift myself out of this and to maintain the motivation to propel myself into the ‘recovery’ bracket. Over the years I have made some progress (frustratingly, this does not always show in my physical status and can have a negative effect on my psychological status
). It is a slow and laborious process and I cannot help but constantly berate myself at my inability to ‘just do it’. My self-sabotaging skills are epic. However, I keep on plodding and do what I can to help myself on a day-to-day basis.
I have met many people with eds over the years, and what strikes me most, is that they are all different, they all respond differently to treatment and no two cases are identical. So, in conclusion, I guess there is no one strategy that can be used in engaging with somebody struggling with an ED. I suggest that a little humanity is probably the way to go.
@EgoOverdose - I absolutely agree.
@TheGreatBout - Let me use you as an example of what I mean when I say ‘humanity’…Yours is my favourite comment
…Lovely, lovely, lovely 
No, I wouldn’t, unless it seems like my comments would be welcome (as in, if that person was looking for someone to tell her she looked good enough or wanted encouragement to stop).
No. I’ve had friends IRL with anorexia. They feel nagged and harassed by people who try to change their behavior. This alienates them from what should be their support network. I always just urged them to find some good multi-vitamins and seek help from a doctor when they were ready to admit they had an eating disorder.
I’d tell them that I think they look good, but anorexia is never about how others feel about your weight, it’s about being comfortable with yourself.
No, because they aren’t gonna change until they’re good and ready so it would be just a waste of time for me.
No. If they think they look good, they probably are very stubborn and their opinion can’t be changed easily. My best advice to them is that, now that they’ve reached their ideal goal, to try and eat a little more. Now that they look like they’ve always wanted to, they’re free to eat and not care who sees.
I use to go through all of those anorexia blogs too. They are fascinating. But without self-intervention there is little non-mental heath professionals should/can do.
I would tell them they look good at whatever weight, like you said you did…
Im a VERY impatient person. And I cant deal with stupidity. To be totally honest, and I know Im heartless) I’d rather them die then have me be stressed out trying to convince them otherwise.
(Let me fix that. I’d rather just ignore them then have to deal with them. Whether they die or get better wont be any of my problem. Hopefully they get better, but I just wont bother with them.
It’s not about that though…for most anorexics it’s all about control (or lack thereof). Perhaps they lack control in terms of their inner strength/emotions or outer life situation…they seek comfort in knowing their food intake is the one thing entirely under their control. Of course, this is the most out-of-control aspect of their lives, but it becomes an addiction for them…almost a source of comfort and amusement. I’m generalizing here, but it’s been my experience (both personally and otherwise) that it’s a much larger issue than simply weight. Sadly it has nothing to do with you, and your comments with sole reference to their weight will be lost on them. Sure, losing all the weight is a dramatic way to get people to notice you…but in all reality, they’re wishing you’d notice what’s going on within. Just my 10 cents.
No, unless it got bad.
i guess i would try to help them? because it really isn’t a healthy thought to be anorexic.
I hate to see people suffer and am not sure it would be a healthy thing for ME to be friends with someone who was so unhealthy mentally they were forcing themselves to be sick physically. It would tear my heart out and I would want to help them, but you can only help people who want help. If someone came to me who had the problem I would try to say my peace only once and leave it at that, disclaimerng the statement as well, but after so long… sickness is either healed of spred.
I would just be there for my friend and support them. Maybe they’d end up changing, maybe not.
I did have a friend that was anorexic. I did not correct her. I acknowledged the disease and I listened to whatever she had to say – parents, exercise routine, etc… The main thing I did when I was around her was to love her. I just accepted her as she was. She tended to open more to me and I was able to talk to her pretty straight. She lives in another country so I do not have contact with her much any more. The treatments she went through “seemed” to have worked. I only wait and see.
I realize you can’t change someone but it is incredibly frustrating watching someone hurt themself. It’s not the same as sitting back and saying, “Oh, I can’t make him/her study.. but they’ll learn when they fail the test”. With an ED it’s more than just a small lapse in judgment they’re making, it really can be the difference between life and death. It’s hard for me to be passive and sit idly. You’re right, they don’t need people telling them their eating habits are bad, they need people reaching out to say “When you’re ready, someone will be here for you. And if you go too far where your health is critically on the line, that help may be forced upon you.”
Couldn’t do it.
good site~
No, haven’t done that yet.
Not sure I’ve been friends with an anorexic person, though I can think of a couple people that probably had one eating disorder or another. Usually they had more than one major problem in their life and the eating disorder wasn’t necessarily the dominant one. If they said something that seemed really off the wall, I would offer a corrective, usually prefaced with “I read somewhere…” Other times I’d just say “hmmm” and change the topic to something more enjoyable and less confrontational. I’m better at being a friend than I am at being a counselour or doctor. Besides, I already use up a lot of energy working on my own problems.
No. No one can make them change but themselves. It’s a psychological disorder and usually needs therapy and treatment to be corrected. My words wouldn’t mean anything to them.
No.
These people need some serious professional help.
That said, where’s the boobs?
I try to not bother with them at all. I can’t change them and their habits just frustrate me.
No, because it’s none of my business.
I never know what to say. I do try to recommend books or websites that will help them meet their goals “safely” and in a healthy way. But, it doesn’t seem to impress them enough to help. At that point I hope they are happy and wish them all the best.
I would try to help them as much as I could.
I only know one as a good, close friend. She is bulimic, now, but same story. But I used to try to help and tell her she looks great the way she was etc, but if there’s no will, there’s no way. It doesn’t work unless they want to change. I even offered to speak to a doctor I know who works where she lives (she is in the Middle East), but she just didn’t want it.
I wouldn’t try to unless they were seeking help. It’s kind of intruding on their life and trying to make them live the life I want them to live. I know I wouldn’t want someone telling me how to run my life.
I wouldn’ try to change thier behavior.
5 years thats over quarter of my life.
I don’t think you can change someone, But I think if you are friends with anyone with any illness you have to just be supportive in the correct mannor, and try to understand that illness to the best of your ability, if not I wouldn’t even bother commenting if something went too far over my head.
yes, of course i would try to “help” them. i would give them the suport they need. the ear to listen when no one else will. trust me, an eating disorder is not something that is easy to deal with, from either end. however, with that said, you can’t “correct” their behavior. you either was to be there for them as a friend or not at all. just because you tell them they look good at a certain weight or that they (or their habits) are unhealthy doesn’t mean they wont listen. most of the time, we know what we are doing is unhealthy, very unhealthy in fact, but it’s a psychological disorder, not just a physical one. it’s not as if we can just tell ourselves “hey, i think i’m going to stop. i had fun, not i dont want to do this anymore.” it’s never that easy.
so, as much as you try to fix them, they wont be fixable, until they are willing to help themselves.
I would have to try. It’s just who I am….
As a former bulimic I don’t know that I would say that anyone on xanga directly impacted my ability to receive help or recover. I have been/ was on xanga for the worse years of my eating disorder including most of my inpatient stays. But I would say that having a place to write down my feelings in an environment that wasn’t hostile or judgemental as most of the world is, was helpful. I was never pro anything though. Even in the worst of times I would never tell another person how to act upon an eating disorder or seek out people who would tell me that. And in all my knowledge nobody has a right to do that and nobody has an excuse for it.
However I do support my fellow xangans with eathing disorders, but mostly the people that I know want to get better. Lke others have said you can’t force a person to get better if they don’t want it themselves. Supporting people myself that don’t even seem like they want it, wears me out and if you don’t take care of yourself who will?
no, because it never works. especially advice from someone who doesn’t also have an ED..they just assume you don’t know what you’re talking about because you couldn’t possibly understand. also, the image an ED person sees is not the unhealthy person you see in a picture, their mental vision is warped. you can tell them they look great all you want, but they won’t believe you. the most you can do is just try to be their friend, they have to change their behaviors on their own.
not sure if i could make friends with the last few thinsp-bashing posts i’ve made
still, there are some that do make great conversations on describing anorexia. some really nice
It’s pretty unsettling how many of them are on here and a lot of the pictures are a strange objective of healthy body image. Though it’s a hefty comparison, the end result looks like a prisoner from an internment camp, their knobbly limbs resembling the stems of roses and their anatomy imitating winter tree branches. It’s crazy how the internet’s made it so available to create a whole subculture of mental illness.
Also if I were a dude, I’d be too scared to fuck that.
u can try. but it rlly depends on the type of relationship u have with that person, and u may not be able to fully correct the habit and change but u cud help them out or at least try and understand and be there for them
It’s out of my league. I don’t know how to try to help people with that disorder, so I don’t think I would attempt it.
i think bulimia and anorexia and overeating are all fascinating manifestations of self expression. i too used to try to “talk them down” but realized that it would be hypocritical of me having my own unusual eating habits and other self destructive behaviors..
Diana, Princess of Wales: Princess Diana struggled with an
eating disorder and also admitted that she used to self-harm herself.
The following is an extract of an interview of Princess Diana about her
battle with bulimia – “I had bulimia for a number of years. And that’s
like a secret disease. You inflict it upon yourself because your
self-esteem is at a low ebb, and you don’t think you’re worthy or
valuable. You fill your stomach up four or five times a day – some do
it more – and it gives you a feeling of comfort. It’s like having a
pair of arms around you, but it’s temporarily, temporary. Then you’re
disgusted at the bloatedness of your stomach, and then you bring it all
up again. And it’s a repetitive pattern, which is very destructive to
yourself.” Diana also admitted in a television interview that she
intentionally cut her arms and legs and had thrown herself down a
flight of stairs on more than one occasion.
Anorexia is more than that. It’s a mental disorder and it’s mainly about control. And trust me it’s not that easy to just “eat” You have to get your problems figured out. I have tried to recover and have failed many times.
I would voice my concern, but honestly, I think they would have probably already heard it before, so I don’t see it making much of an impact.
No point – you need professional help for an ED, not some random comment over the Internets. I’d try to help out a friend (and have, in the past) but Xanga ain’t gonna cut it.
I don’t think I could stomach the level of self involvement that I have personally seen with people like that enough to make friends with them.
No I wouldn’t. I’d just tell them to know for sure what they’re doing and if that’s what they REALLY want. And if they’re sure that it is (what they want) and that it’ll make them happy then… yeah. I wouldn’t preach to them or try to make them do what they don’t want to and judge them. Because it’s not my place to.
If you made friends with an anorexic on xanga, would you correct their behavior?
My approach would probably be the same as yours, but probably less successful than you because of my lack of panache.
Thank you for raising the question for me to think about.
Having been dignosed an anorexic myself, (and bulimic and finally my current dignoses is EDNOS) I can understand where they are coming from. Eating disorders are only a symptom of a deeper underlying issue. When I went into inpatient treatment 95% of the girls there had suffered some sort of abuse— the majority of abuse being sexual abuse.
For me, my eating disorder has been a way to starve away bad memories, stuff them down, and purge them away. I did not know this is what I was doing so I could not stop. Many many memories of my own trauma had been so repressed I didn’t even know what was wrong with me so I could get it out. My anxiety was so severe I couldn’t feel hunger. binging and purging calmed me down. I felt so gross inside, ugly and misused. The way I felt on the inside reflected and distorted how I saw myself in the mirror. The abuse really effected me, mentally and emotionally. Abuse can really mess up a person.
I could not see myself as beautiful inside or out because I wasn’t treated so.
With that said….
I do not try to correct there habits. I show concern and try to point out there beauty. Inward and outward beauty. I try to point out there talents and write about how there comment helped me or made me smile. When I do that however, I make sure I REALLY MEAN IT.
I hope this comment clears some things up. If not, feel free to ask me any questions about eating disorders you want. I really believe the media has warped and confused eating disorders into something about vanity. Rarely have I met someone on xanga or in real life whose ED was soley vanity. EDs are so much more and in fact not really about food at all. Although- I won’t say those people aren’t out there. I can also see how easily the disease can be misinterpeted.
Good question.
@Aslans_daughter - you did the best thing anyone could ever do. I have to say you are a great friend.
Your post made me sad because eating disorders aren’t about eating: they’re about the underlying issues of love, separation from the mother, control, and others depending on the individual. Someone that is untrained (and just blogging), including you, just isn’t in a position to discover the inner drives that make that person do what she/he does. Though you have good intentions, you’re certainly not in a position to work on healing that person.
I’ve made friends with some and tried your second technique…
@UnworthyofHisgrace - I’m on the same boat you are — If my weight goes above 100lbs or so, I jump for joy. A couple of weeks ago, on the public bus, an overweight little girl was being berated by her mother. The child then pointed my direction and said, “I don’t know why I can’t just be skinny like that girl!” The mother told the child that I’m skinny because I’m “sick” and I probably throw up everything I eat. Never in my LIFE have I done that… and I hate people assuming it.
But that’s completely off topic. The short answer is no, I wouldn’t mention it. Unfortunately, in many cases here on Xanga, the girls aren’t actually suffering from an eating disorder, and they simply want attention, and they desire to fit into that category because it’s so prevalent here, and they know they won’t be judged.
I can see the goodness in trying to change someone so that they may be healthier but I don’t think it ever does any good. Some resent it because they have no interest in getting better. Some resent it because they already know all the facts. Either way, it’s like trying to push a boulder up a hill. All the words in the world are not going to change them unless they want to change.
That girl looks like a zombie walking around in her shroud. I saw stats that said the average model is 50 pounds lighter for her weight than the average woman of the same size. This sort of thing should have began and ended with Twiggy back in the 1960′s.
To attempt to “correct” a person with a serious disease (which anorexia is) is hurtful and misplaces blame.
If I were to be friends with an anorexic I would just be their to support her, its her choice to be an anorexic but I will keep complimenting that she looks perfect at this moment and there needs to be no changing. If she thinks that people are thinking that she is fat I would say screw them and they are nuts. I’m gonna be the positive support…. be there if they want me and just be a friend.
There’s no point in bothering to change their behavior because they either
A) have a genuine disease that needs to be treated professionallyor (and this is the case with a lot of the crap I see on Xanga)B) They aren’t anorexic, but are desperately trying to become one, because that’s the trend and all the girls get it in their minds that being nothing more than flesh covered bones is attractive. So if they have their minds set to it, like stubborn rebellious teenagers, they don’t care what you really have to say.
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