October 23, 2009
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Passive Aggressive
I have noticed a quality about myself. I tend to correct things in the moment. In other words, if someone has offended me I tend to just come out and say it.
My wife, on the other hand, would admit that she is slow to speak up for herself when people offend her. Take today for example. My wife is in charge at her work. An employee said something to her that offended her. My wife brought in candy and the woman told my wife that she “couldn’t buy her approval.” My wife was still talking about this hours later with me in the evening. It upset her.
Now I am just the opposite. I would have taken the candy right out of the woman’s hand. No since in paying for approval if you are not going to get it.
But I rarely think about issues after the fact. Because at the very moment I am upset, I just express it.
Do you tend to tell people that have upset you or do you hold it in?
Comments (97)
You don’t want to mess with me. I’ll mess you up.
Yeah. smack em.
@mathematicalbagpiper - chhh whateva
sometimes do sometimes don’t hold it in.
Oh, I’m pretty vocal about when my borders have been crossed.
Admittedly, I’m pretty vocal whether borders have been crossed or not. I like my fun.
It’s rare that I get upset like that. But then I’m a slow thinker and it doesn’t hit me usually til its too late to say what I should have.
I used to be just like your wife, but I got over it. I typically speak my mind now. Admittedly, I don’t really run into a lot of people that offend me. That happens more often online.
Takes a LOT to get me going. . . an extremely slow temper helps when a cashier has to deal with unruly customers and isn’t allowed to flip out.
Now, if we’re talking about management. . .
unfortunately, I am more the passive aggressive type…even years later I would still think about what I should have said or done at that moment when I should have verbally expressed my dissatisfaction or just punch them in the face really hard
I’m not one to sit there and take something like that. If it’s constructive criticism and meant to be beneficial to me, I try to accept it. If it’s something like what that woman said to your wife, no deal. I don’t let people talk to me like that. If I was next to her, I would have said something too…I don’t tolerate rudeness at all.
It depends on my mood.. if it really cut me I may let myself boil over it for a while before really giving the person what they deserve.
Depends on the situation. However, most times it’s best to let people know up front. If I let it simmer, then all hell breaks loose once I finally open up and it has become bigger than the initial offense. Either that or the smallest thing tips me over the edge and then people assume you’re overreacting bigtime. Albeit that’s often the more fun route to go…for others, mainly.
I’m probably passive aggressive most of the time just don’t catch me on a bad day.
Park too close to me and see what happens… It’s been said that I write on the drivers side window in lip stick “COULD YOU PARK ANY CLOSER”.. Or, “LEAVE ROOM FOR A BIG GIRL TO GET IN HER CAR ASSHOLE”…. I’ve heard this a few times. I think I leave my body when I do it because, I just dont recall occifer.
im super California passive aggressive and damned good (bad) at it
I’ve learned a long time ago holding in emotions doesn’t do anyone any good, least of all myself.
So now when I’m angry I don’t hesitate. But if it’s small things I let it go. If it’s enough to really bother me, you betcha!
Crotchety and blunt shouldn’t be reserved only for the elders. Why can’t I say exactly what’s on my mind?
Dan, this is the best entry I have read from you in a long time. I don’t know if I just miss some of the entries, but too often I see pictures, observations taken from news or other media, and then a question. All without ever really giving your 2 cents on the subject. I really liked finally reading your opinion about something.
And yes, I would have smacked the candy straight out of that bitch’s hand.
@Drakonskyr - YOU DON’T HAVE BORDERS, YOU FUCKING ANIMAL
i keep it bottled up. in my cock.
Depending on the offense, I have some of both qualities.
Both. Depends on the situation. I only hold it in as to not embarrass my friends or when money is on the line.
I hold it in, then let it out later by slamming cupboards or something. I have a deep concern about saying something in anger and regretting it. You can never really take back what’s been said.
I’m trying to learn to be a little bit more PC. Unfortunately it leaves me lately NOT sticking up for myself.
I think I am learning to not bother explaining things to the truely ignorant and stupid!
(I live with a 19 year old one of these at the moment. Her favorite thing is to eat our food or my nephews snacks and then when questioned about it say, “I don’t know what happened to it”. When my nephew came over to find his snacks missing, he asked her mother whether someone was eating his snacks [I keep them in a box in the bottom of the cupboard]. He’s eight my Nephew – this girl’s mother then proceeded to tell my nephew that he must be mistaken, which totally erroded his confidence in this person. He cried for the rest of the day.)
@MomGoneMadd - Funny!
unless they’ve really crossed the border many many times, usually i wont say anything if I can tolerate it. The threshold level is different for everyone. why cause trouble when you can avoid it?
this might not really answer your question, but i am one of those people that would rather stay up the entire night and argue and fight until we come to some sort of conclusion and make up than just go to bed and hope things clear up in the morning. either way i am up all night because if i don’t talk it out, i’ll think about it till the a.m. my boyfriend on the other hand hates to fight. he is incapable of yelling at me when he is angry so he’d rather just pass out and hug it out the next morning when we aren’t as upset. but here is my rationale, if you are willing to argue and say what is upsetting you to someone, that means you care about them. you want to fix things with them because they mean enough. if you are passive agressive and just try to accomplish things by seeing who can hold out the longest, love becomes the proverbial battlefield. so to answer your question haha, if you care about someone, fight like you mean it, if you don’t, passively aggressive is the way to be
I’m pretty tolerant, but there are limits.
LOL! I’m enjoying your mind speaking. No one has to guess where they stand with you I see.
im very expressive. depending on the situation, i will wait it out to give them the benefit of the doubt, but if nothing changes, i make it very clear that i am upset/offended so that it does not happen again.
I usually just come out and tell someone, I work with mostly guys so its along the lines of ” dude could you go get that done?”
But at work if morning crew pisses me off then well watch out…hahaha.
I guess it depends, but I usually come out and tell you if you crossed me.
Depends. On what it is and who the person is.
Depends on the situation. But I defend others like a mother lion….defending myself…I don’t do that well.
i hold it in and let it explode
Unless I know it won’t make a difference, I will always speak up straight away.
I think you mean “sense” not “since”
i really hate rude people. i do say what’s on my mind!
I would tell her off. I hate passive-aggressiveness.
I’m kind of like your wife, unfortately.
It depends a lot on the situation. I’m pretty tolerant when people are offensive toward me, but I move in for the kill if they assault someone I care about.
I’m about a 50-50 mix and trying to move away from the passive-aggressive side of it.
I tend to hold it in until a point. I don’t need them to cross the line but I’m not going to get upset over a single incident or a small one.
I think I do both. Sometimes I hold it in and like your wife it sort of festers and boils over elsewhere. Other times I communicate it to the person who wronged me. I think letting it out is usually the better of the two choices.
We Asians are REAAAAAAAALLY good at passive aggressiveness.
Unless it’s someone I’m really close with, I don’t say anything.
Was your upset about your creepy boob campaign? Any self-respecting and grounded person should be.
I usually hold it in. I know exactly what passive aggression is and it’s not good. It hurts the person who can’t say something is wrong with the way he/she is being treated by another. In my case I don’t like to make waves but I end up suffering when I don’t express that something is wrong. It is an acceptance of being misused by someone else with anger unexpressed by myself. So I’m learning to take time out for a moment and think what are my options here? If there are no options other than saying “you’re wrong about this” then it needs to be stated, or “I just don’t understand why you did this, you know I was really hurt by what you did.”
She should have thrown her for a loop and said, “I’ve heard your sex was for sale so I thought your approval was too.”
On second thought, maybe that would have made things worse.
Yes.
I usually say “meh” & walk away….
sometimes.
It takes a lot to offend me, and usually I just let it go.
If it’s someone I know pretty well, I’ll say something.
If it’s a stranger, usually not. I know I’ll never have to see them again, so why let them ruin my day?
I try to take the time first to evaluate the situation and determine if I’m upset for a valid reason. If “yes”, then I try to confront the person civilly.
It’s very rare that other people’s nonsense bothers me that much, so usually I just let things slide… unless it is a very serious sort of transgression, then I speak my mind.
I do the same thing that your wife does. It sucks. She should try sticking up for herself more.
Nope, I passive aggressively make sure those motherf*ckers get theirs. I’m vengeful.
I tend to just bottle it up. Then, I’ll vent about it on Xanga, although truth be told, it’ll still bug me until I finally forget about it.
Most of the time I am passive aggressive, but if I’ve been holding too many things in for too long or if I’m really stressed it’ll explode on whoever I’m particularly pissed at once they push my button again.
I could also be disguised as a Trick Doormat. People think they can walk all over me because I’m not easily bothered by things. However, I WILL stand up for myself if something does bother me. It’s made people mad in the past, but I don’t give a hoot. If they’re mad that they can’t walk all over me, they can go suck an egg.
Oh, you’re married?
I’m trying to find a happy medium between the two. I’m a people pleaser by nature but I have recently begun to realize that I don’t get over things that aren’t addressed. I hold on to them and they eat away at me and I end up going off on the wrong person, usually my poor husband. So I’m trying to address things as they happen but trying to be civil about it too. Sound easy but I’m such a such an emotional person (LOVE the ketchup/mustard note) that I have to be very, very careful. Sometimes I still put my foot in my mouth.
I don’t get offended easily, and if someone does say something really obnoxious I tend to just realize that they are an idiot and let it go.
dan dan dan
that’s just the simple difference between being men and women
I will hold it in until a certain point and then I let them have it. Ask my daughters poor vp about that, he just got a nasty email after not answering my three messages.
Both. I’m a vocal type, so I’ll say something if I’m truly offended. But I hold those things a little, not in a grudge sort of way, but I take things to heart and at face value.
I dunno about that so much, but I do know you have to beat an apology out of me. An honest apology from me is extremely rare.
it depends. sometimes i say what’s bothering me and other times i just suck it up.
xo
i’m different with different people. if i am dealing with my nemesis i’m more likely to just be mean and tell her to cut it out. but a stranger i try to look at more closely. did they know what they did hurt my feelings. are they a little slow in realizing they could be offending me. etc.
It really depends on the situation. But I am so remembering the ketchup/mustard service revenge. There are some deserving places in our ‘hood.
A little of each. Mainly depends on who it is and the situation at hand.
I’m more like you than your wife, though in recent years I’m becoming a little more mellow. I think it’s because my big mouth has gotten me into enough trouble for my time.
I have always spoke up,with the system ,our government,not at anyone else’s
personal expense unless they got personal at my expense then its dogie-dog right,
Depends on who it is and what the situation is. I’m more of the type to hold it in though, except maybr when it comes to my brother.
I am more like your wife.
There was a nurse in Modesto CA that actually did put poison in her drink in the public fridge because someone kept stealing it. She got fired but it’s kind of hard to feel sorry for that guy who got really sick
It depends on the person I’m around. My boss is ridiculously passive aggressive so I am passive aggressive towards her. My roommate is straight up confrontational, so I’m straight up confrontational around her. In general, if someone doesn’t swing one way or another, I’m fairly passive aggressive (and somewhat cruel in my methods). A number of people I know think I’m oblivious, when really, I’m just being a passive aggressive bitch, haha.
it depends. I mostly let it all out and give them a sharp and witty piece of my mind, because I used to be such a people-pleaser that nowadays I look back at my old self and think, ‘wow, if I had just said/done this or that…’. I don’t want to make those mistakes again, and get stepped all over. I’m pretty straightforward now.
@bclmj - what? I’m a woman, and I won’t let people step all over me lol
I don’t care…I’m stoned out of my mind most of the time.
I have to say that passive aggressive is my middle name. I’ve had roommates that have pissed me off so I used their toothbrushes to clean the bathroom including the toilet. It made me feel very good every time they brushed their teeth. I have spoken up for myself too on occasion but mostly I’m just passive aggressive.
None of those, actually.
It’s interesting, because I never tell someone if they have upset me, but yet I wouldn’t say I hold it in, either. That makes it sound like I’ll burst any second. I just kinda let it pass. Few things actually bother me, you know? If someone upsets me, I forgive easily, and I forget even easier. If something bad happens, I always know there are bigger things out there, which makes it seem small. That is actually how I see life. And if anything difficult comes my way, I just kinda wait for it to go, if there is nothing I can do. Obstacles always go with time.
someone told me to not leave notes. They like it if I just come to them ask them politely or say it straight out face-to-face. I like notes though… haha what to do ?
I tend to hold it in, but depends on the situation and the person.
neither does my girlfriend but details details i love to make sweeping generalizations that offend the masses
idk i guess for me it depends on the who offender is. with my family or my parents i’ll tell them they are offending or hurting my feelings. these are people i have to deal with daily and live with i need to make my experience at home enjoyable. my brothers i just simply give it right back to them. but people i work with. i try to be more respectful especially in my case a lot of the places i’ve work i’m one of the youngest and growing up i’ve always been taught to be more respectful and that older people just get crazier and pretty much can get away saying what they want. and since its a work place and i need that area less drama i’m more to ignore it walk away hurt and bitch about it to family later. but if i was the customer being dick around i just ask for the manager to make sure i watch their ass get reamed or fired which ever makes me happier at the moment.
I won’t say anything to their face. I’m afraid of them freaking out at me…
Depends on what the situation is.
Depending on the situation I will let someone know if they offended me… usually with heavy sarcasm. ;)
Usually I hold it in.
I tend to correct spelling errors… therefore in your post “No since” should be “No sense” since it doesn’t make sense otherwise.
There are a LOT of adult children walking around out there that have no social graces. I tend to let people know they are acting inappropriately but in a non personal way, the same way you teach a child. I get a lot of people apologizing to me afterward when the light bulb goes on. I will admit that sometimes you have to flip that switch more than a few times before the connection is made, just like with children.
i tend to let it out at the moment, then keep it flowing until the person is beaten into submission.
I used to always just tell it like it was but in later years I stop and think most of the time. I think about if it is to my best interest or not. I guess I have grown a bit more selfish with maturity.
well first of all i don’t get offended i give it right back and get even..If u are stupid enough to attempt to be rude to me then u can feel my wrath…i always speak my mind there and now….and not only would i of taken that candy back.it would of been slapped right out of her hand! and i am also one of those who don’t care if u repeat what i say_ not u personelly.but .but any one in general.cuz if i say it i mean it.no regrets and my rule is not to repeat anything i don’t wan’t repeated..so that rude one would of really been in trouble! there would of been plenty for me to say!
aww thats sad… tell ur wife not to let people like that upset her. it’s not worth it… i feel sorry for people like that who fail to see the beauty in a random genuine act of kindness. im guilty of being like ur wife… meaning holding my feelings in… i think its more to avoid confrontation. i hate them. i hate fighting or arguing or dealing with people and drama in general. so id rather just let it slip and keep it in mind not to let that person affect me again and staying far away from that person..
I have difficulty speaking my mind, but I also have a theory and I may right or wayyy off.
I think men in general tend to just tell offenders to “fuck off” (for lack of better words) and get over it. Men, in general, seem to not take things too personally. Women, however, tend to take things quite personally, act passive-aggressively, hold grudges, and maybe even declare war of the issue escalates.
I’m not pointing a finger at anyone, but based on the fact that the person who offended your wife is female, I’m not surprised by the outcome. If it continues, someone’s going to have to give otherwise it could escalate.
I’m usually passive aggressive, but sometimes, I can get a bit too aggressive….
@haloed - I like!
grar. i’m the latter.. i assess the situation before speaking, but before i can put how i feel into words, the moment’s over..
also i wish people who expressed their displeasure upfront could, at a minimum, be reasonable about it, and secondly, not express it about everything..
I hold it in first. It is wise and loving to be slow to anger.
I tend to hold things back. Only because a bad comeback is worse than no comeback. lol.