January 22, 2011
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I Am Not Sure If I am Socially Functional or Dysfunctional
Years ago, I was sitting around in the house of a married couple that struggled socially. The husband physically abused his wife and they openly yelled at each other over the course of the hour or so I was in their home.
I realized that the woman did not like me. She communicated that with her words and actions. It is my personality to try to get along with people so I tried as hard as I could to connect with her. But no matter how hard I tried, she still insisted she did not prefer me as a person. I remember going home after the conversation and talking to my wife. I mentioned the woman was socially inept and struggled to connect with people. She did not have many friends and rubbed people the wrong way.
My wife mentioned something to me at the time. She told me something like, “Whenever someone does not like you, you always find some flaw in their personality to explain why the person does not connect with you.” I had not given it much thought until then but at some level that was true. At that stage in my life I bent over backwards to connect with everyone in my life. So if a person did not like me, I tended to think the person really struggled with relationship issues.
It is funny but I still have that same basic pattern. I was in a group setting recently where two people sort of turned away from me. It was subtle but I could tell I was not connecting. I tried and tried to connect but it was not happening. I just chalked it up to one of those situations where the two people involved just did not prefer me.
I kind of hold that same pattern even on xanga. I tend to get along with most people. But xanga does have an inordinate number of socially dysfunctional people. So if someone writes a handful of negative posts about me, I tend to think the person has some unresolved issues in their personal life and that the person is just acting out on xanga. Again, I try not to take it personally but I also tend to give some sort of excuse to why the connection does not happen. If someone sends me 50 negative private messages, I will probably suggest they seek professional help and try to chalk it up to something that is out of my hands.
That does not mean I think I am relationally perfect. No. I have relational flaws. I interact with people and I make mistakes in some of those interactions. I sometimes say or write the wrong thing. And sometimes I am just being a jerk.
But I sometimes wonder if the attempt to connect with even those who clearly turn away is at some level a social dysfunction.
Comments (56)
Good to see that I’m not the only socially dysfunctional person out there. =P
So you feel like even you have your own share of faux pas sometimes?
Sometimes you just have to accept that you rub people the wrong way. It’s chemistry. That’s another way of saying, “That’s just the way it is.” But it’s great that you have such a strong desire for harmony.
I don’t think it’s dysfunction. I think it’s just basic human nature to want to connect with others, even if they repeatedly reject you. If this wasn’t a basic tenet of humanity, how else to explain the paradigm in movies and tv shows, and hell, in real life, of the unpopular kids striving to connect with the popular kids even after years of mistreatment? People want to be wanted, and like to be liked. Nothing abnormal there.
I think Xanga does exhibit a lot of social dysfunction… it runs on DRAMA. (Now… whether that’s because it just draws the right type of person or because people write more when they’re upset or because it’s just generally a good platform to vent… is anyone’s guess.) When someone doesn’t like me… eh. I will often believe there is something wrong w/ me, rather than them. I’m learning to get over that one. Though… I would suggest that the tendency you exhibit (as your wife noted) to assume that it’s the other person who is denying the connectedness… is a defense mechanism. There will be some people, who for SOME reason, will NOT like you. It’s not exactly explainable, it’s just a fact of life, no matter how cool you may be or how much you are trying to improve your social IQ. I realize I’m lacking in social graces – but believe it or not I’ve gotten much better, after I put genuine effort into improving. But this is a neverending process – we will never be perfect. Even with all that in mind – SOME people will NEVER like you, or like me. C’est la vie – and in that case, I say… “It’s their loss.”
Maybe it’s a form of empathy, first that you pick up on others’ reactions, and second that you care enough to try to connect. I think it’s a good thing.
Somebody sent you 50 negative private messages???? That’s just nuts. And writing nasty posts about you — toppling right into my biggest pet peeve. In both cases, it’s clear the problem is with them. Interesting post.
Piggy backing Lobo and carolin
I think it’s only dysfunction if you push it too far. There’s a kid in the music department that most people don’t like (but some do). Now I started talking to him when we were all new but getting to know him, I got to know many of his negative qualities, many of which I cannot get around to be friends with someone like him telling me how to do my homework (when I didn’t ask for help), his constant need to find out my grades, and his trying to flat out tell me what to do. I talk to him a little but it is noticeable that I don’t like him and I think he can tell. Over the past few months though, he has started pushing me to talk to him more and more and he’s started staring intently at me….every time I see him. And telling him he’s become creepy hasn’t gotten him to stop. That’s dysfunctional.
I agree that you might just be trying to reach out to the people. You mentioned that you can tell something is off in their lives…maybe part of you wants to fix it? Now if you start being creepy…you gotta reevaluate yourself Dan.
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But I sometimes wonder if the attempt to connect with even those who clearly turn away is at some level a social dysfunction.
What does your psychiatrist say?
Liquor them up until they are nicer.
I think it’s only human to try to connect with others, but there will always be people like that woman you described – people who just don’t like you. Maybe it’s irrational, maybe it’s their personality, maybe it’s something from their past, maybe it’s actually about you specifically. You can’t fix people and you can’t make them like you. It’s kind of hard to accept, because it seems like you want to be liked by just about everybody. And that makes sense – why would anyone want to be disliked?
But what your wife said is true, too. We always assume that the problem is with the other person, and we don’t always look for the faults in ourselves. Maybe it’s both of you. Maybe there’s some unknown factor in both your personalities or pasts or whatever that means that you won’t get along. Anyway, nobody’s going to be liked by everybody, even the nicest person on Earth will have a few enemies, people that are jealous of him or people who are naturally mistrusting of nice people. And how many people do you know that do like you?
If the number of people that hate you gets to be larger than the number of people that like you or even love you, then you have something to worry about, because that’s when you wonder if you’re the one doing something wrong. But if it’s a minority that hate you, then I wouldn’t worry about it. You’re probably (relatively) normal, and they’re the crazy ones.
In those situations you mentioned, the rejections could be for any number of reasons. Maybe they don’t like men, or they’re uncomfortable around married men, or they feel intimidated by tall people, or there are age or cultural differences they are not accustomed to. Those are not things you can change to please others. The fact that you recognize your own occasional social mistakes is a pretty good indication that you are not socially dysfunctional.
As for negative posts on xanga, most of the time people use the name of a popular blogger in their post title, it’s just a shameless attempt to garner traffic.
i think forcing someone to accept you, tends to turn them away even further?
Everyone is capable of being socially functional unless they have a mental illness, developmental disorder, or intellectual handicap and are deemed so. For example the ones I consider to know as low functioning may not be able to care for themselves, or easily understand social cues, like acceptable touch, or appropriate talk. They may not know they have to shower everyday, etc, like an average social norm. What you’re talking about is functional, it’s just more misfunctional then dysfunctional.
We’re all dysfunctional.
You are not paranoid!
We don’t really like you, and yes, we are out to get you!
We know where you live, someone will be there shortly.
It just takes time for people to realize that a person is ok in their terms. There is some work to be done in order to gain trust from people. It seems to me that you are skilled enough in that regard. It also depends on what angle people are standing. We must trust ourselves and life and embrace rejection as well as praise. I blew my top this evening! I never blog so much!
I used to really want everybody to like me. Even if I couldn’t stand them. But there is an old saying about being leery of those whom no one ever has anything bad to say about. I realized that if I were to be who I am, then some people will not like that. And that is normal. But sometimes it still bothers me. So I understand how you feel. you have always been kind to me. Even when, at times, I think I was not deserving of it. I like you. You shouldn’t worry so much about the haters.
I don’t connect well easily with most people–and it takes effort for me to connect with the ones I do. But I see that as my own dysfunction rather than theirs. I guess sometimes it’s pretty obvious when someone else is just being unacceptable as a human-being and you can’t really imagine anyone getting along with them..but I don’t think I’m that extreme.
I think that you do a great job of expressing the truth of who you are.
We all try our best to get along socially and sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t.
You are still a wonderful person at the end of the day.
Thank you for sharing honestly.
Wondering what’s behind this post? Regrets of losing a certain reader… or… ???
WHAT A COMPLICATED INTROSPECTIVE POST, why dysfuctional ..can’t be loved by everyone, would be an uninteresting world …I keep clear of people I am not attracted to mentally,and I expect others to do the same, so I have a circle of special people around me, as well as on xanga. Trying to understand why someone does not connect to you, in my opinion is a waste of energy, LIVE AND LET LIVE.
RITA
I think I understand. I can think of some times in my life where I did this.
You’re ok in my book Dan.
@ShimmerBodyCream - lmao…good solution.
Sometimes the only way to please someone is to leave them alone. Maybe it’s them that has a problem; maybe it’s you. At that point it makes no difference; it’s just time to go.
I do it too, when in actuality some people just don’t have personalities that “click.”
I also had that desire that I wanted everyone to like me. I have learned and am still learning that other peoples opinion of me doesn’t equal my selfworth. But rather my selfworth is only based on Gods opinion of me and the bible clearly states your totally accepted by God because of Christ dieing for all our sins. He also will never leave you or forsake you. He just is waiting for us to come back to him or to him for the first time. Understanding the truth about Christ frees us from the performance trap of feeling like selfworth is coming from others opinion of us. It is nice to be accepted by people but if your not it’s okay too.
I think everybody ought to like me as well. Most people do respond positively once they get to know me but I’m just recovering from a paranoid episode involving my agreeing to be on the Board of our library. I resisted joining for two years (I’ve been on three other boards – a mixed bag at best) but worked extremely hard as a volunteer instead, staffing, running programs and helping raise funds. At the meeting where I was nominated and elected, I believe that I was treated badly and felt humiliated by three of the Board members (the three most powerful members) who have never responded to me in a positive way. A staff member who was there does not agree with my version of what happened that night at all and I’m now not sure what actually did happen. Tonight there is a potluck informal gathering for all Board members, volunteers, friends and staff at the home of the President. I don’t know what to do. Please, Mr. Theologian, any advice? You would think I’d be over this kind of social insecurity by now, but I’m not!
This was interesting. I think I can relate to it. Like, the other day in one of my classes, the teacher told us to form groups that we’d be working with for the rest of the semester and to assign roles. A girl I had met in another class joined me and said she’s like to be the “leader.” Then for the rest of the class, every time I suggested something, I felt huge negative vibes coming from her. She would give me unpleasant looks and would contradict whatever I said. I don’t know if she just has control issues or whether I was suggesting too many of my ideas. My natural inclination would be to assign the blame to some quality of hers. But maybe sometimes it’s better to assess yourself instead. Because after all, you can’t change other people.
Maybe you’re just hanging out with the wrong people…. or trying too hard. perhaps the woman was trying not to favor you in front of her husband because he was a jelous sort and she didn’t want to get beat later?
Uggghhh I always do this.
Great post! Soul-searching done publicly is a brave but not always wise thing to do. I think you and I are alike in this tendency.
You ended with: “But I sometimes wonder if the attempt to connect with even those who clearly turn away is at some level a social dysfunction.” I think it depends completely upon one’s motivation.
i just think you’re nice and try to work with people who arent worth it. i was agreeing with you all throughout the post except towards the end. im a pretty well liked person, its hard not to like me. so when someone doesnt i just think somethings wrong with them. but looking back on both of those people, they were really messed up. i think for average, good people, good intentioned people.. blockaged people will take things the wrong way because they’re just so messed up. so thats just how i take it. although i do put less effort into things now, although i still do have that quality because i just dont really care i know sometimes people do like me and i find out the magnitude of it later, most openly do, some are shy, some need air of a new person, and others just dont like me which from what i have found is due to their own issues just not my problem. so i dump em lol- i put myself out a lot less now. but its my quality to be naturally curious and experience different opinions and lifestyles. so i think people who dont even have their own down, just cant handle it. or anything, for that matter.
also dan i was in that same situation before. practically. i wonder how you ended up in it. but i think its important to spend time mostly with people like minded and on your page. so for me thats leos, aquarius’, gemini, especially sag’s, libras. and kind of take it easy with other signs– virgos, cancers, etc.
i think its important to stick with people with the same values mostly and to be open to others, but make sure we had that firm board of people who are sane and on our side. i just think its my tendency to want to network and explore so much that sometimes i end up with people who arent good enough or kind of suck. sometimes its not my fault. realistically i wouldn’t of ended up with either of those people on my own (the first girl, was my first roomate- terrible) the second girl was a girl who was brought into our tight knit group, even if we didnt click well i just felt obligated to make things work because she was in the group. and ive done that once in the past. it might be interesting or worth it, i just dont think we should actively go for these things and to just be polite but leave it alone. who knows what they’re thinking/going through. but lately what i decided to is concentrate on the like minded rather than bridging and lingering on people who need help- but if they’re kind im open. i just now know how toxic some people are. and only real therapy and self awareness will ever help them into a good level. until that point, they could just be really detrimental or destructive. i think sometimes good people can help, but ive found its mostly an inner thing they need to deal with themselves. but it depends on the severity i suppose.
From what I’ve gathered on XTV, you’re pretty cool.
The only thing I can hold against you are those rare (but occasional) sarcastically repugnant entries (This year’s MLK entry got me a little mad).
Dysfunction? I wouldn’t go that far. A tendency, perhaps. Something to be aware of so you don’t end up writing people off. If I don’t connect with someone, I probably do something along the same lines. I assume our personalities just don’t click or that the person is more sensitive than I am and so more likely to be offended by me. Sometimes I assume they’re just having a bad day, if it’s a short or one-time encounter. But there have been people who have tried and tried to be friends with me and I’ve tried and tried to be friends with them and somehow… we just never got there.
For the most part it doesn’t bother me.
If, however, I realize I’ve actually done something to push someone away, I feel AWFUL. I cannot rest, concentrate, or go on with life until I’ve addressed the problem and tried to come to a solution. I hate it when I do that. It’s almost always unintentional. And I’d say it’s also fairly rare.
~V
I’ve always considered myself very socially functional but lately I’ve started to become more and more uncomfortable with being in groups or in public. I’ve somehow gotten better at getting people not to like me- either that or I’ve noticed it more.
Honestly I think for the most part I’m just becoming insecure, because when I come to think of it, people usually get along with me better now than in the past. I’m just becoming more conscious of it now.
You’re not really an unlikeable guy, Dan. You always have something interesting to say, and most of the provocative stuff is done on purpose so it’s easy to see when you’re not serious about something “offensive.”
I do the same thing. But lately the people I have known for a long time dont like me and new people dont like me. I feel like my approach hasnt changed. Just my situation. Ever since I had my daughter everyone seems to think that I think like im better than them, but I dont. So, I think that all that is just in their head and they just dont like me because of their insecurities. Everyone likes to think that I think my relationship is perfect and better than theirs or my daughter is smarter or prettier, but honestly I DONT CARE. People just try and compete with me and Im too lazy to compete. I dont want to compare my husband or daughter to yours. Everyone is different. No one is better or worse in my opinion. Unless its like a rapist or something that is extreme like that in a negative way. But alas, people will continue to think that I think im better than myself no matter what I say or do. So, I will just have to wait around for people to grow up and like me again.
Sigh. I have been trying to figure out if im socially functional or dysfunctional for a while now. I have come to the conclusion that I will never know.
Snobbery, prudish, insecure, etc. There are many reasons for why a single person would reject you. I agree with another “poster,” maybe you’re hanging out with the wrong people or that woman is threatened by you.
I think it is.
Maybe you should explain why these people on WordPress also don’t like you :
http://doctordavidkimmd.wordpress.com/2010/10/13/plastic-surgery-blognot-everybody-is-happy-about-breast-cancer-awareness-month/
You are mentioned in this blog from a plastic surgery site regarding breast cancer awareness.
Admit it, Dan. You screwed up on a lot of things, in your life, your friendships and relationships, here in Xanga and outside. You’ve angered a lot of people by your ‘jokes’, trollings and callous treatment of people. You even failed to admit your mistakes a lot of times, preferring to put the blame on anyone else but yourself.
You really screwed up.
I’m totally okay with people not accepting me, but if its because of my weight…I guess I have a hard time accepting that because I know its my fault not there’s.
@ShimmerBodyCream - what she said hahaha
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There are people, who like me because I’m me, and then, there are people, who despise me cause I’m deaf.
There are many reasons for being liked and disliked.
Sometimes some people just have clashing vibes. That’s the explanation I use whenever I can’t find any other explanation.
i really like this post by you
it’s nice when you write about yourself every once in awhile
I wouldn’t call it a social dysfunction… you just enjoy challenges.
@carolinavenger - Agreed.
I like this post… interesting stuff, and not just about a news article you just read
I would have to depend on how well you sleep at night. If you sleep fine, no worries. If you are wasting hours on trying to find another way to connect with them and you aren’t being paid to do it…I would have to say it sounds like it could be a problem.
What does it really mean to you…being able to connect with these people? Are you seeking agreement? Are you seeking understanding? Are you trying to please them or impress them with your wit and knowledge? I would suggest looking somewhere in that realm for answers…but none of us can really give them to you in this forum. Maybe your wife might have some insights for you on this subject.
Sounds a bit like you try too hard sometimes… some people are totally put off by that.
I wonder the same thing. There are so many people in my life that, based on personality, interests, and morals, I should get along with swimmingly. Or be soulmates with. Usually it’s those people that I have the most trouble connecting with.
I think once you have to try really hard to win someone over, that relationship is already doomed. I don’t know if my overboard attempts to connect with people you can’t stand me is a result of my ego, my insecurities, my notion that we really will be best friends some day, or what.
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