February 11, 2011

  • Why You Can’t Be Friends With a Depressed Person

    I have learned over a period of time that it is very difficult to be friends with a depressed person.

    I had a friend on xanga who I was friends with for almost the entire six years I have been on xanga.  She dropped me as a friend on Facebook recently and unsubscribed to my site.  She wrote a protected post directed toward me that said something that was somewhat negative.  It said something like “Dan is a jerk.” 

    Remember I am good at judging how people feel about me and I knew instantly she was upset when she wrote that. 

    She did not explain to me why she dropped me as a friend and did not respond to a private message.  But I also realize that I am changing over time.  For a great deal of my life, I formed friendships with people I knew were depressed.  I would support them when they were down.  So although my closest friends were not depressed, I had several friendships with depressed people.  I saw it as sort of my role in life to help them when they were down.  I tried to pull them out of the depression.

    But I have come to understand that depressed people for the most part are very difficult to make friends with.  They tend to turn away from people in their depression.  They tend to push people away.  I think for the most part that depressed people turn others away because they tend to read all of the worse about a person’s motives.  They wonder if people really like them or if they are if they are just trying to be nice.  But depressed people also tend to be emotionally narcissistic.  They tend to focus inward and they tend to forget about the needs of others. 

    They are obsessed with their own thoughts and feelings.  They have defined their life by those thoughts and feelings.  It is always “me and my weight problem,” “me and my depression,” “me and my childhood abuse.”  I am not saying that those people have not experienced pain.  I am simply saying they tend to elevate their pain above the pain of others.  This makes it difficult to actually be friends with a person like that.

    But this pushing others away is what leads to a deeper depression.  After pushing one person after another from their lives, they look around and see that no one is there for them.  They appear for the most part to be unaware of why their friends “abandoned” them.  I am sure most of their friends moved on and formed relationships with others who could invest equally into a relationship.

    I am not taking away from the chemical imbalance that often comes with depression.  I understand that the depression is caused sometimes by the person’s inability to think rationally about their relationships.

    But I also think that the key for some depressed people is to get over themselves and simply invest a little more in the people around them.

                                                                                                     

Comments (197)

  • Oh snap Dan. 

    *ducks the apocalypse* 

  • Rob of the Sky

  • Part of me thinks that according to what’s described by your post, I myself may have depression.

    Another part thinks that you’re trying to once again psychofuck with us all.

    Oh, and you think depressed people are weird to deal with?

  • So, are you talking about situational depression then?  Depression or not, aren’t we all narcissistic in nature?

  • @Hinase - I agree

  • I wouldn’t say you can’t be friends with them, but I get what you’re saying.  Being depressed doesn’t justify anything.  

  • Well, blaming depression in others for you being a jerk may also be a sign of depression or narcissism in yourself. The combinations and permutations of this kind of thinking are… well…depressing.

  • Some with depression are so deep in their problems that they literally can’t swim toward the surface enough to help themselves, never mind others. I know many depressed people, very few of which were narcissistic. I would say that the ratio of narcissistic depressed people is the same as the ratio of normal narcissistic people.

  • I think this is an excellent post, and I agree with it too.  It truly is hard to befriend depressed people.  Sometimes I actually try to pry my way into their lives, so I can at least be the person who makes them happy, etc… but then I start to realize they either 1. Make me depressed, or 2. Rely on me at all times and cling to me every moment because they need someone to make them happy.

    Some people don’t stay depressed for too long, though, so that’s good.

  • when I was depressed, I lost all my friends. it is extremely difficult to be friends with a depressed person. that’s why I give my boyfriend so much credit for sticking around when no one else wanted to, not even me.

    I can see what you’re saying though, it is draining being friends with someone like that. I should know, I was that draining friend.

  • Hmmmm.

    I am sorry about what happened. I may know of whom you speak. If so, I didn’t know she was depressed. I guess that explains some things.

    Not all depressed people are created equal, I feel it necessary to add. A woman whom I know and like very much struggles with depression. She is a good woman. We all have our complexities.

    But again, I am sorry.

  • Not all depressed people are like that. I’m bipolar and yes, I understand all the problems that come with depression and mania. It’s hard but it really depends on the person and how they deal with their depression. Most, like me don’t outwardly show it thus no one knows except close people and even then, I’m a very caring person. More for others than myself. Remember not all depressed people are like that. It’s how they react to what they have. Yes, I’ve been in very bad states of depression and I have great friends that brought me back. They don’t think of me any less because of how I feel. Or how I am. They like me genuinely as a person because I’m a very sweet and kind.

    Again, it just depend on the severity of the depression and the person themselves. 

  • There’s 2 common models of depression:

    1. Moral View: You think you are the cause of the depression and then you try to pull yourself out of it. But it’s disheartening because you’re constantly blaming yourself for being depressed.

    2. Medical View: You understand that depression is not your fault and thus you don’t do anything about making it better. You’re convinced that if you take drugs, then you’ve done your part.

    However, the important thing that a person suffering from depression needs to do is embrace the Compensatory View which is essentially accepting that depression is not fault but it’s on you to pull yourself out of it.

    As for what it’s like being friends with a person suffering from depression, well, it’s essentially called ‘The Depression Dance.’ Basically the person with depression communicates distress, you try and help, they reject it, you get angry and withdraw and they become more depressed.

    Depression is brutal and terrifying. I’ve been trying to live my life in a manner that won’t push me over the edge. I think I’m pretty prone to developing it.

  • @Hinase - I second a lot about what you are saying. I was diagnosed with manic-depression when I was 17 and it was incredibly difficult for me to express this to anyone. No one, not my parents or classmates, knew what I was feeling. My way of coping with my depression was pouring myself into others (volunteering 3x a week and only caring about my friends problems) because i felt that only “good” people did that, and that I wasn’t at that standard. My way of coping with

    mania

    was much like your (Dan) description of depression. I would pull away from my good friends and go experience drugs and sex with random people I had known for weeks. I was narcissistic in my me, me, me “fun” state but incredibly loyal and caring in my depressive state. I think that it is a big claim to say that people. when depressed, are not caring or narcissistic. A more accurate statement would be that people with mood disorders tend to draw away from their friends because the external world means less to them than the internal. That’s why people commit suicide isn’t it? It’s not because they don’t care about the people around them or don’t love those people, its that the internal struggle is much greater than the external world has to offer them. 

  • I’ve stuck with some friends who have issues.    Sometimes, it can be a chore.   Moreover, it can be a thankless chore.   A good friend is there for the bad times as well as the good times.

    That being said, when you have the type as you’ve described here, you’ll reach a point where you need to be honest with them and explain that they need to deal with it themselves.    That’s when you become the bad guy and they find a replacement for you.   That’s when your best course of action is to say (in your best Terminator voice) Hasta la vista, baby.     You’re relief has arrived ad you’re now off duty.   Enjoy the new freedom.

  • I try really hard not to do this…it’s a concentrated effort…and yet…I fail. You’re right. We are too much of a burden.

  • i agree with this, i go through phases where i am depressed and difficult and push people away. but mine are usually just phases, and i actually try really hard to suppress it. which is why my xanga explodes during those times, so i don’t spread it around. but i don’t actually HAVE depression, i am usually aware when i am pushing people away. but i have had friends who really are depressing. and though i am still friends with some of them, i kind of keep them at a distance. i’ll say some things that i think they need to hear if they need it, but i’ve learned not to be their table leg. cause then your life starts to suck too.

  • @Rob_of_the_Sky - you stole my answer, Nazi!

  • a lot of depressed people are like that but some actually have a huge space for others in their hearts. I hangf out with one on a regular basis – she’s a beautiful person. Just depressed – who wants to be around people.

  • I’m depressed so you don’t want to be my friend?

  • Other peoples depression has nothing to do with you, because if it’s at the point where they can just shut you out of there life, then to them, you may as well not exist at all. Speaking of narcissist, why do you think that only somebody with a problem would not want to be friends with you? In my experience, depressed people are the easiest people to be friends with, you just have to give them what they need, unlike normal people where you would have to explain to them why you can’t give them what they want.

  • hmmm well, Dan, I think you are entitled to your opinion.  Certainly, you have had your experiences to lead you to this conclusion  I just don’t think (you) can make a sweeping generalization without considering the individual who is depressed.  I’m a pretty damn good friend and I’m often depressed.  Nobody’s perfect.  I know a lot of happy seeming people that are terrific at preaching the happy sermon to others and lousy at listening and being there when it matters.  Peace to you and your friendships. 

  • As always, the answer is vodka and hookers.

  • you’re absolutely right…thanks ^^

  • *TheoCafe looses 150 friends*

    But I do get the jist of this. I have on and off bouts of depression and I tend to push people away, and I always let people know that I don’t really want them to feel obligated to stay my friend if I am sick, mainly I say this because I know that most people are drawn to me at that time because they are caretakers, and that’s a really stressful position to be in.
     It’s not that I don’t feel I deserve it. I, like everyone with depression deserve companionship. But caretakers/rescuers really only ever are drawn to sick people, because it fullfills that role in their life and makes them feel complete. Being a rescuer is like a drug. You’re a hero and in the end you get to wear a big red cape. (Unless the person never gets better, then it wears you down instead). Which in my book is also narcissistic. I mean in the end… we’re all narcissistic. Everyone. 

  • the thing that i don’t understand about depression is that it’s an affliction of developed countries. not to say people in underdeveloped countries don’t/can’t get depressed, but the majority of depressed people live in a fairly secure environment. makes me start to think that maybe all depressed people need is a hungry stomach and manual labor to snap them out of it. :) jk. 

  • Happy people can be narcissistic jerks too.  Friendship isn’t all fun and games.  I’m thankful for all the friends and family who stuck with me when I was depressed.

  • I’m not depressed about pushing people away. To be honest, I don’t really care about anyone in particular. And yeah, I’m narcissistic. I’m depressed because I never met my own expectations and I’m falling behind everyone else in the rat race. I hate failure and failure is what I fear most, but I’ve been doing nothing but fail at everything I do for two years now. So in shame, I refuse to talk to anyone.

    People who serve nothing in society should parish. That’s what dad always told me, and I agree with him.

  • Do you know how hard it is to listen to your best friend complain about all of the boys that tempt her while she has a boyfriend? How about while trying to get over the feeling of bursting out crying on a daily basis while the rest of the college population focuses on the superficial aspects of life? It’s hard not to be selfish.

     When someone dies, or a loved one is sick, or you’re sick, or you go through a break up, your friends reassure you to be “selfish” and feel free to vent. Even long after the event, real friends endure the annoyance of listening to the same stories over and over again. It’s what composes friendship. That is the same friendship that is capable of enduring depression. You’re right, you are more selfish when you’re depressed. It’s ten times worse when you know you’re being selfish and you just can’t help it. It’s a difficult thing to have to put in effort to focus on other people because your thought patterns are no longer controllable and you obsess like never before about terrible incidents and feelings in your life.

    In case this isn’t obvious, I believe I’m depressed currently. I feel as though I’ve lost friends, but never due to the impact of depression or selfishness; I think losing those friends was more of a contribution than a consequence to it.

  • I think you are on the right track. It takes real genuine love to be there for someone who is so down. It takes patience, and kindness and gentleness. I am sure it is not easy. But Rick did that for me. However, I don’t think I got so bad that I did not think about others. Only, for me, the smallest thing a person could say would turn to a horrible slant in my mind, because I just hated me. I noticed how very careful Rick was, any time he had to say something to me that was the slightest bit negative. He was so gentle, and always started out by making sure I understood that he was unconditionally on my side, and loved me, and thought the world of me. As you can see, he is my hero.

  • I’m very rarely depressed but I do like to keep to myself a lot. I only like smaller groups of people and only feel comfortable keeping a handful of people close to me. Given how I was raised it’s no surprise to me that I don’t like a life of numerous voices and crowds of people.

    I do have some friends, even best ones, who are depressed. The one I have in mind does work very hard to better herself though. She’s done very well the past year and a half. She’s the most amazing and selfless person I know.

    My mom though. I feel horrible, but I just can’t keep pulling weight for my mother. I’ve bent over backwards for 21 years to make my mom feel good but she’s so far gone. She doesn’t try. She exhausts me.

  • @Rob_of_the_Sky  lol

  • I lost two of my best friends to depression.  It’s sad how you want to help them and be there to comfort them, yet they push you away in their time of need.  I, myself, was very depressed in my teens and shut myself off from everyone, but moving away to college pulled me out of the depression and made me appreciate family and friends more.

  • Wow, so sensitive. 

  • @sweetboxc00kie - That doesn’t mean it’s not a real problem or not important.  It’s just a different struggle than other people have. 

  • Depression makes me want to disappear.  I’ve already pushed away almost all my friends–your analysis is on the right track there.  But I could never kill myself mainly because I don’t want to put my family through that.  To say that depressed people are any more narcissitic than average is unfair.  It’s tough to pinpoint why people feel the way they do.  (When people ask me why I’m depressed, I can’t even explain, I just feel overwhelmed and tired of this life.)  There can be underlying causes even a depressed person can’t put their finger on.  Often it has more to do with the world around them than whatever happens in their own little corner of it.  Depression wasn’t a problem before the birth of civilization; tribal peoples don’t have so much rage, alienation, anxiety, hopelessness, guilt, drug abuse, criminal behavior, etc., as we do.  They have lives that are satisfying and meaningful to them, which seems like a pipe dream to many elsewhere lol.  The way 99% of the world’s people are socially (and economically/politically) organized today is very different from how they evolved–what natural selection gave them.  Off on a tangent, can’t help myself…

  • Thank you for posting this.

  • Wow, I knew from the title that I HAD to read this. Now that I think back, most if not all my friends have been depressed at some point in their lives, and although it’s blown over, it was actually difficult to stay friends with them. They don’t want to meet you anymore, don’t want to eat, don’t want to laugh, or cry or do anything for that matter. I’m surprised we’ve all stuck together. I guess you just have to be extra patient with them, and yes, they’ve got to let you in. 

  • I guess I would be the exception to the rule because when I get depressed I tend to focus more on others than myself because I would end up doing something stupid. It’s only not worked twice.. and yes, i have crazy pills too!!!!

  • Is depression the problem? Or is it this particular person and/or relationship?

  • @PervyPenguin - http://www.gladeanamcmahon.com/pdf/How%20to%20Stop%20Being%20a%20Perfectionist.pdf

    This recently helped me. Maybe it can help you, too :)

  • Ay. Were you just trying to get a lot of comments? Well, I guess you’re getting it.

    It’s a shame you feel that way. I think depressed people are just people. If anyone were depressed, I’d doubt they’d be able to do much better. People with depression have to go through a lot, though, that others don’t know how to deal with (most people just do what they feel is good, but depressed people can’t just go that easy route). But, like you said, depressed people need friends, too. So I really don’t like that you named this “Why you can’t be friends with a depressed person.” There’s no way I could have made it this far without my friends. I’m glad they haven’t rejected me, even when I’ve been unreasonable and too much hurting on the inside to recognize the outside. I’m very grateful to them.

    Btw, I know the common idea is that you should be able to say whatever you want but…

    don’t you think you’re playing with fire, saying people with depression can’t have any friends (which is, admittedly, not what you said word for word, but still translates into the same thing)?  You don’t really know every depressed person. Some see that they don’t have a lot of energy to give back to others, let people in, but feel incredibly guilty that they can’t give very much back. Don’t you think that saying this would just reinforce their fears, that they can’t have any friends and that they should pull away for their friends’ sakes (the thing that you admitted would make them worse)?

    Normally people would be able to rationalize this by reading what you had to say was not exactly supported by your title, but as we all know, people with depression aren’t able to be very rational; they’re *depressed*. Just think a little bit before you say something about such a volatile subject.

  • @mtngirlsouth - I love your comment. <3 Thanks for it.

  • @skinnylove8919 - My mania never got that bad. I still retained some of myself even if I did go a bit crazy. I still think he’s stereotyping a lot of people with depression. I just pulled back so I didn’t hurt anyone I cared about. 

  • one should emphasize with depression sufferers’ pain as one would with staunch religious nuts’ stupidity.

  • @ShimmerBodyCream - Not cookies and creampies?

  • It’s hard because as much as one might want to help someone who is depressed, you can’t help anyone who isn’t willing to be helped. I guess in my experience, people who are depressed, and unwilling to be helped, will push people who are trying to help away, because they usually don’t like what the helper has to say (because getting out of a depression is hard work and they can’t be bothered). It’s really hard. In the end you do just have to leave them to their own devices until they’re ready to accept the help… 

  • I don’t feel this post was one-sided like a few people have said. I think it was well written and a lot of it, at least, was very true.

    “After pushing one person after another from their lives, they look around and see that no one is there for them.” That’s so, so true. I’ve seen that a lot as well with some friends I have (had).

  • No.  Just no.

  • Interesting read actually.
    I think this is how my friends kind of feel about me…

  • @niceBrice - btw great, great explanation. Thank you for putting it into words in which I wasn’t able to. I wish people understood this more.
    my friends don’t understand why I just drop them and ignore them when I have my ‘phases’ as they call it. and I don’t even know why .. the only reason is that like you said I just want to dissapear.

  • Dan, perhaps she got tired of reading about boobs. 

  • There are many reasons for depression but whatever the reason I will always try to help someone. It can be difficult, challenging but it’s worth trying to help them. If they do push you away, then you can always say you tried. 

  • I had a friend like that once, until she disappeared out of my life.  Five years later she rocked up and asked forgiveness for all that had happened back then.  It wasn’t about becoming BFF’s again, bur more about closure and a nice neat end to that chapter.

  • @Southeast_Beauty - I’m glad.

  • I love your writing mister.

    Negative people suck to be around. 

  • I feel so conflicted about this.

  • we all lose friend on her at time and we dont now why

  • You should change the title to “Why I (Dan) Can’t Be Friends With A Depressed Person”. Your current title presumes that everybody is like you. I understand that some people simply can’t deal with anybody who doesn’t give as much as they take from a relationship, and while I don’t fault those people for feeling that way I also don’t give them props for being willing to abandon someone who is already vulnerable. Yes, you get pushed away but you can let them know that you will still be there for them when they are ready to come back, with open arms. It’s the guilt of being an “anchor” that causes depressed people to turn away; they don’t want to drag you down with them. They actually are thinking of you in those times. Depressed people don’t have the market cornered on narcissism; the proof of that is all around you here on Xanga, and it’s in the mirror looking back at you as well.

  • Or maybe you’re just a jerk.

  • I understand!

  • Mental imbalances stick longer when a person is blamed for their emotions.  Life is a puzzle, but one can only solve the visible parts with none to absolute certainty.  Speculation on parts extrapolated from just around the corners brings none to near certainty.  The rest is left to pure imagination and certainty can have no part of it.

  • It is hard to lose a friend that you invested in. I’m sorry, Dan.

  • As one who sufffers from depression and knows it from the inside out…I have to say that I agree with you and know it is frustrating for the people around the depressed person to deal with it.

  • @AceValentineRocks - I actually agree. Even though some depressed people I know have more needs than others, at least they HAVE some kind of general idea of what needs they aren’t getting. A lot of times, I find there is no understanding when people are depressed. Sometimes people just have to talk. Sometimes, you just have to go and visit them. And, being a depressed person myself, I actually like being a support to other people (when I am capable). The nasty thing about a lot of people with depression is that without support, it’s even worse. People need support systems most of the time to “help” themselves. And most of the time people fail to realize that even if you help yourself, and have depression, it doesn’t go away. You’re just fighting a battle. A lot of people I know think even if you try, over a period of time, the depression is pretty much gone. No, you just cope with it in a lot of cases.

    Depressed people can be very sensitive. Maybe you said something to your former friend that was plainly unhelpful or actually made her feel worse about everything. It’s easy to not know what to say to people who have depression, and sometimes the littlest thing can hurt them, but you have to be willing to understand that. It seems you may not know much about depression. The idea that you say depressed people should get over themselves is ridiculous. If you’re not willing to accept that maybe they aren’t capable of that, then it would be a good idea just to not bother with the person and waste their time. By the way, a lot of people get confused with symptoms of depression and think it leads to depression. No. Pushing people away along with negativity are SYMPTOMS of depression, and it doesn’t cause the depression. Thinks are done BECAUSE of it, instead. I’d also like to add one last thing. Narcissism is COMPLETELY different from depression. Think of it as depression, your mind is consumed in thought and your emotions are miserable, against your will. Narcissism, while it can also be a psychological problem and a coping mechanism, is literally being full of yourself.

  • whoa man. check yo’self on the “I saw it as sort of my role in life to help them when they were down.  I tried to pull them out of the depression.”  messiah complex, much, Dan?

    check it: you dont’ know me. i don’t know you. so none of this should be taken personally.  i actually dig what you’re saying here and applaud that it seems you had a moment to check yo’self befo’ you wrickitty wreck yo’self (thank you ice cube!) 

    depression – though i be no expert on the condition – cannot come from a place of love.  i haven’t met a depressed person yet who loved themselves or treated others around them in a loving way, so i’m going to go with my hypothesis on this. anyway, friendships are loving relationships.  when it comes to the game of friendships, especially close, intimate, presumably important and meaningful ones, depressed people can’t be on the team… no.  can’t coach ‘em. can’t play with ‘em. can’t do it. won’t do it. you can’t win.  gotta keep all that negativity at a distance lest you lose yourself.

    good day.

  • I can understand where you are coming from.  I mean…I agree with the others and say that not all people deal with depression the same.  Most people have some degree of narcissism…in my opinion.  Several of my friends experience depression to some degree.  I can relate, since I have experienced it (and occassionally re-experience it) as well.  Yesterday was difficult, because nothing I do to cheer someone up seems to work…but they tend to be my closest and best of friends.  

  • If you are not interested in being friends with a person who is depressed, then I suppose you don’t have any interest in me.

    So a depressed person is incapable of thinking of anyone but themselves. Even though I do my absolute best not to express negativity to others and to be as much of a loving friend as I can, and keep my suffering to myself as much as possible.

    Being unwilling to reach out to a person in pain – thinking if you, Mr. Wonderful, cannot pull them out of their depression then they must be hopeless – suggests to me that the self absorbed person is probably you.

  • I definitely know what you mean. I don’t think you ‘can’t’ be friends with a depressed person, but depending on the person – it might be very difficult. I have a friend and the whole time he talks (everytime we talk) all he says is how he’ll never find someone cause he hasn’t yet. When I try to talk positive to him, he just keeps saying he knows it will never happen – it’s not even a possibility. He complains about everything no matter what you say, so it makes it hard to share the good things with him when they happen, cause he won’t even care and just go into why his life sucks. I have health issues that prevent me from doing a lot of things, and I feel like I could say my life sucks ten billion times, but I don’t. I try to tell him positive things but he just shoots them down everytime, not even thinking about how that makes me feel.

    I am still friends with him though. I know mostly everyone he talks to stopped being friends with him, and I just don’t have the heart to ignore him. Though our friendship and conversation is based on his complaints, I know I’m one of the very few that will just deal with it and let him vent. I guess deep down I feel like I’m doing some kind of good..

  • #1 How to be happy
    Are you almost disgusted with life, little man?
    I’ll tell you a wonderful trick
    that will bring you contentment, if anything can
    Do something for somebody, quick!

    Are you awfully tired with play, little girl?
    Wearied, discouraged, and sick-
    I’ll tell you the loveliest game in the world,
    Do something for somebody quick!

    Though it rains like the rain of the flood, little man
    and the clouds are forbidding and thick,
    You can make the sun shine in your soul, little man
    Do something for somebody, quick!

    Though the stars are like brass overhead, little girl,
    and the walks like a well-heated brick
    and our earthly affairs in a terrible whirl,
    Do something for somebody, quick!  
    For what it is worth, this worked for me.  I entered into several community service organizations and soon I didn’t have time to worry about myself.  Obviously you are right, you can not sustain a relationship with someone who is clinically depressed,  Take it from someone who has been on almost every popular tranquilizer and anti depressant.  You can’t be friends to someone depressed until they want to change.  It is a relatively slow process there is no quick fix.

  • i agree with that wholly 100% for the most part

    i found for me it was a little different. i drew away from close friends because i felt i couldnt be a good friend anymore and had so much shit to work on. i know why things are different now. i just think its a little silly how much and how dramatic people took it. its like they dont understand depression at all. if ever people kind of phase out i’ve never had a problem accepting them. with my best friend of the time, i also stopped being friends because she seemed to have a ‘be fake, and it might make it better’ attitude. i was going through a lot she didnt know about, how dare she tell me i couldn’t express how i was feeling- and why the fuck would i ever just decide to be fake. i get where she was coming from – but she didnt get where i was coming from. it kind of makes me sad i lost her, but looking back maybe it was for the best. thats the only friendship i lost that really bit.. but no one wants an unsupportive friend when they’re going through hell. and a lot of people saw no problem bringing me back in their life. so whatever *shrugs*

    ..

  • Sometimes people are depressed because they are painted into a corner out of which there is no reasonable or honorable exit.  Withdrawal may make it worse, but talking won’t make it better.

  • …that and some physical exercise.

    Good post, Dan.

    I like depressed people too. They make me feel better about myself.
    But I also know what you mean about them throwing people away.
    However, since I do the same thing, I tend to think of it as all my fault for not trying harder to keep things going. But yes, there comes a point where I just write it off.

  • Oh, and how much of this post on depression has to do with Valentine’s Day?
    How much of it has to do with Winter?

  • I feel the same with people who have drug/alcohol addictions. I know they’re a good person and they have great friend-being potential, but I almost feel like I’m trying to save them rather than befriend them. And it’s hard playing therapist for someone who is too trapped in their own mind to give back when you need it. It’s like a one way street sometimes.

  • @NightCometh - between losing a leg and having your boyfriend break up with you, which would you rather have happen to you? maybe it’s just me, but I believe people are much more scared of physical pain than emotional pain. i think most people, when it comes down to it, would choose physical protection. I think that people living in developed countries should keep things in perspective. 

  • I would be infinitely more fun to be around if I were having sex regularly.

    Drugs would not even be required for the sex, though they do make sex way for fun and last about 10-12 hours longer than your average couple would have sex.

  • Totally agree with that its hard to be self-centered if you are willing to invest into ppl around you(: 

  • Whoa. 

  • This is part of the reason i want to be a psych nurse.  

  • Sadly, yes, we do push people away when we’re stuck in the middle of a dark depression. That doesn’t mean we all expect you to make us feel better or to cater to us. Some of us just want a little support and for you to be there when we emerge from it.

    It’s inaccurate and mean spirited to say that people who are depressed are just using you and will toss your ass away because of their depression.

  • I think you’re kind of right. I was dating a guy who was really depressed and unbalanced. He self-medicated with weed (in addition to taking other medications), but it only made it worse. I eventually had to break up with him because I couldn’t handle the negativity and panic attacks anymore. It’s sad, and I felt like a horrible person. But you can’t dedicate yourself to helping someone so much that you get dragged under too.

  • why the implication that your erstwhile friend is depressed? maybe she’s fine.

  • It’s hard for a lot of us to tell the difference between “just get over yourself” depression and chemical imbalance depression.

  • In my experience it is very difficult to be friends with someone who is depressed. Although the depressed person usually needs to friends to help them out of the depression. Its a tricky situation.

  • This is perhaps your most insightful post.  Thank you very much for posting it, it helps clarify a lot.

    mark

  • I noticed recently that a large amount of my friends are depressed, including my two current roommates. But you just do with them what you do with everyone else: Try to find common ground and let them enjoy talking to you (and of course, enjoy talking to them hopefully). Depressed people can be hard to deal with at times, but so can everyone else. Everyone has problems.

  • When I was depressed, I pulled away from all my friends because I didn’t have the energy or inclination to deal with other people. So yeah, it was pretty narcissistic, but I didn’t expect them to stick around and coddle me. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I didn’t want them to be around me and have to deal with me, either. I let them know, though, so they would know what was going on. I guess what I did was put the friendship on hold while I got myself together.

    I think what you’re describing is someone who’s negative and dramatic, not necessarily depressed in a medical sense. I can’t be close friends with someone like that, but neither will I turn them away if they honestly request help in changing. Basically, I will withdraw from the person, but still be polite and kind.

  • I’m usually a very happy person but suffered serious depression almost losing my life to cancer.  In my case it was a chemical imbalance and there wasn’t anything narcisstic about it….I simply didn’t care about anything.   I made the choice to stay away from people and told them it was so I wouldn’t add to their own stress until I got better.  But I understand exactly what you are saying.

  • Great Post Dan!  I’m glad I came in late to read so many of the comments too.

    It IS difficult to be friends with the depressed!  And often I agree with you that “… the key for some depressed people is to get over
    themselves and simply invest a little more in the people around them.”

    But that is often easier said than done for many of us, suffering depression or not.  And I believe recognizing the reality that Our Creator actually loves us is often the first, key step before anyone can get over himself and begin to invest in others.

    I am overwhelmed by the reality that the Lord Jesus Christ suffered and died for me, me, me, me, Yes me!  And that makes it much easier for me to befriend such more-difficult-to-be-friends-with people.  Yes, even here on Xanga, the GREATEST weblog community!
    …

  • I gotta be honest, in recent years I’ve found it difficult to be friends with angsty people. Not necessarily completely depressed, but the people who always post statuses on Facebook that are made to sound like they’re living the worst life ever.

  • Friendship requires give and take between both parties.  When one is all take and the other all give, then the friendship will eventually die.

  • The reason why I can’t be friends with depressed people is because alot of them come off as clingy, and everything to them is a total drag.

    I remember having this one friend who lost her mother when she was younger, and I befriended her years later in high school. I felt bad for her because she was always lonely, no one never spoke to her, and she would sit there watching pass her by. I was a new girl btw. And I know how it felt to be alone and have people ignore you.

    So we became friends and had alot in common, and we were with each other just about every single day. But when I started making more friends I sort of felt her wraft, and she became jealous. Everything about the friends I’ve made was always this “dramatic” story she supposedly experienced with them, and kept on telling me not to be friends with them.

    Point blank everything with her was very dramatic and depressing. And I ended up having to cut ties with her all because I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I felt bad, but I had to do it.

  • Oh.  My.  Damn.  This describes one of my friends to a T (minus the unfriending part).  Something tells me I’m going to be the one unfriending her…is that bad…?

  • I’ve never been friends with anyone clinically depressed, but I do have a friend who gets depressed quite often over the stupidest stuff.

    It’s really hard to be his friend when all he wants to do is complain and not change anything.

  • I hate hanging out with those sort of people as well.

  • This post is dead-on. The more encounters I have with depressed people, the less sympathy I have. While I do believe some are legitimately mentally ill and need to be treated accordingly, I tend to think this is the exception not the rule. Most depressed people I know are just self centered assholes who want what they want when they want it and when they don’t get it, they make everyone else miserable. They hold on to past trauma as an excuse and use threats of suicide to imprison those who are stupid enough to care about them. While they freely wreak havoc on your life, you have to walk on egg shells around them as one wrong move or word will set them off. Ironically they demand compassion and empathy which they will never show you (though they nearly always claim to put everyone else before themself).

  • I’m afraid I agree with almost everything said here, having been both depressed severely and friends with depressed individuals. However it’s clear that or was written with one or two people in mind. I have been through depression when I was too emotionally immature to look outside of myself, and grew to cope better. But without question it can make people completely self-centered and self-absorbed if they are not mature enough or haven’t learned enough to change that. Some People keep depression hidden from everyone and obviously they don’t fit these generalizations at all. Neither is healthy but it’s part of each person’s journey. Learning to care for yourself without the whole world being about you.

  • I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when i was 13 years old. I’m 21 now & i can happily say i pretty much have it under control. It used to be that when i was depressed, i pushed everyone away & just focused inwardly on my pain & anger. I didn’t talk about it; i lived in hateful silence & acted out in different ways. It wasn’t until i abandoned the idea that a magic pill would make me better, went off antidepressants that i realized i could control my emotions & live with bipolar. It wasn’t the end of the world. Everyone has their bad days & some have a worse life than others but there’s no point in holding onto something when there’s really nothing there. Depression is a crutch, a way to turn your back on the world, reject change & shirk responsibility. It’s so much easier to wake up in the morning, not smile, not do anything, not talk to anyone, etc. than it is to change your thoughts to positive ones, but everyone can do it. & also, since i lost weight & started exercising i always feel good about life & myself, but if i stop exercising, even if i don’t gain weight, i always feel more down. Animals have the same problem. They’ve been known to get depressed if they don’t have a certain level of physical activity. I’d like to see a study done one depression linked with physical activity.

  • When I would push people away, it was because I felt like I was making their life worse just by being a part of it…Makes no sense, right? But to the depressed mind, logic is screwed up.

    Still, I think it is possible to be friends with someone who is depressed. The keys are:
    1. Don’t let them push you away. Let them know that you want to be a part of their life, so they don’t feel like they’re a bother or burden to you. (Of course, if you don’t like them very much, it’s probably best to let them push away)

    2. Don’t try to “cure” their depression. There’s nothing wrong with being there for them or trying to cheer them up, but it’s important to understand that depression doesn’t just go away. Sometimes there is something you can do to help, but sometimes there really is no reason for the depression. It’s just like *boom* sadness, no reason, won’t go away. These times, all you can really do is be there for them.

    3. Understand that depression makes people do stupid things. I’m not saying forgive them if they punch your grandmother or something, but smaller things, it’s best to accept apologies.

  • It is true, people can be mentally and emotionally draining when it comes to certain depressions that take to them, I used to be like that too, where i would push people away, devulge in my own problems and not think of others, even used others. when i came out of my slump i realised that sometimes its best to face your demons by looking for an outlet. but those who are ‘generally’ happy with this are either confused or in some cases need professional help.

    its kinda sad that it takes someone with a PHD or degree to tell you that you need to overcome this issue, lest you need a presciption, which i don’t agree with to begin with.

  • My best friend is depressed.  He also happens to be my husband of 15 years.  Depression is an active dynamic within our relationship, but it is not the death knell to it (and yes, I am a caregiver/rescuer type, so it is really no surprise to me that I chose him).  Part of it is my having learned a bit more about HOW to care for him.  I can’t force him to change or to get better or to be a non-depressed person.  But there are things I can do (for myself and for him) to keep us both from getting sucked down into the abyss.  Part of it is him realizing that, through medication as well as the grace of God, that there is a different way to be, and that he can choose happiness.  At times it’s been a rocky road.  But we’ve made it work. 

  • @LoBornlytesThoughtPalace - how is he being a jerk? he just wants friends who treat him the way he treats them.

    i totally know what you mean. when i hung out w/ my depressed friend, i felt like a therapist.. i wanted to hang out with a friend, not a patient. just hanging out w/ people who are upset all the time brings you down too, even if they’re not diagnosed w/ depression. good post. 

  • @xxx_MYLiFE - My little attempt at snarky humor is a big FAIL evidently.

  • @Coffee_Kaioken - agreed.

  • when depressed individuals are pushing others away is when they most need someone to reach out to them.   I understand that you can’t save everyone, but when you really care about someone their problems are your problems.   i think it’s kind of selfish to stop being friends with someone you’ve been friends with for 6 years when they really need you most.

    “But I also think that the key for some depressed people is to get
    over themselves and simply invest a little more in the people around
    them.”
    Woudl you tell a starving child in africa to stop needing so much and recognize your problems?   of course someone who is severely depressed cares mroe about thier own problems, their problems are ruining their life.   if someone wakes-up every morning feeling like life is barely worth living it’s perfectly reasonable that they don’t give a shit that you’re stressed out about an upcoming test.

    i feel like this post is really ignorant and is itself exhibiting the narcissism you’re accusing others of having.   When your problems are smaller you can’t demand that someone who’s considering suicide listen to you bitch about what a terrible time you had at your family reunion

  • @DarkWaver - psychologists don’t just take someone into a room and tell them to get over it.   if it were that easy you’re entirely correct that anyone could do it.   often therapy involves restructuring cognitions and challenging false beliefs until the patient begins to think in a more productive way.   Reprogramming how a person views the world is a lengthy and difficult process.

  • yeah.. depressed people just bring u down. we cant change the way they feel.. they turn against u.. use things against u.. if they dont get their way then u dont care.. its a number of things. u feel bad for them but its up to them if they are going to be like that. they need to get help and its up to them to do.

  • You’ve left comments before that suggested you’ve never gained the proper understanding required to help someone you care for who is suffering an episode. Let alone experienced depression yourself. It’s OK though, not everyone has to have that understanding for the world to keep turning.

    So to me, this post comes across as childish, but I don’t really mind. I understand why you feel the way you do. But to me, it’s like you’re saying that people with broken legs only care about their legs, and they don’t care about anyone else’s. Therefore, people with broken legs have narcissistic personalities.

  • have you ever suffered from a major depressive episode or any kind of clinical depression??  it is a nightmare..it is a living hell.  its not that depressed people think their problems are worse than anyone elses, its that they overwhelm them to the point where they can’t function.  try living with it for awhile and see how friendly you are.

  • Unfortunately, I must agree with this. My first boyfriend was a very depressed young man. He never seemed to be able to focus any of his time and effort on me because he was constantly analyzing my motives. Even though I told him I loved spending time with him and I complimented him for being an amazing person (which he was when he wasn’t moping about his life), he didn’t trust me. I wish things had worked out with him, but he forced me to move on. 

    Sadly, being around depressing people tends to rub off too. I was hopelessly depressed for a good six months while I was with him and even after we broke up. It’s sad, but true. :(  

  • i have to also say that most depressed people i know are in no way self-centered.  myself included…i put EVERYONE and EVERYTHING before myself…i give all that i have to my friends and family.  i don’t tell most people my troubles and burdens because it is something nobody can really understand.  i don’t want anyone to try to save me..and i personally HATE it when i have people always preaching at me or trying to rescue me.  just because someone doesn’t want YOUR help doesn’t mean that they are self-centered or a bad person…they just don’t want to talk about it or hear it from you.  you’re NOT a psychologist, you’re not a doctor…leave that stuff to someone who really knows what they are doing.

  • My automatic response is “bull fucking shit.”

    Maybe when you write crap like this you should try NOT making it sound like every depressed person does this. I am literally clawing my way out of the hole I’m in right now, and let me tell you, this offends me. Yea, I focus on my feelings a lot, since they suck ass and all, and yes I have pushed away a person or two, but not out of narcissism. Mostly because I was just not capable of keeping up a healthy friendship/relationship – I would inadvertently do antisocial things that pushed people away from me. Also, I worked two jobs, graduated valedictorian, ran the school color guard, and took care of “my” kids (actually my siblings, but I was their real mother) all while I was depressed. I had and still have close friends into which I put everything I have to give. Don’t for a second tell me I’m selfish or narcissistic. If I was I would’ve committed suicide a long time ago.
    /rant

  • I went through it, I was hard to be around!

  • @MILF_Academy - @jenessa1889 - Thank you, both of you are so right. I am genuinely sickened by the number of people on here agreeing with him.

  • @DilogicalDisorder - me, too.  i mean, sure, some people who may have some other problems as well might be kind of tough to be around, but saying that people with depression in general are too hard to be friends with..?!  come on.  i have BIOLOGICAL depression..it runs in my family.  its not my fault.  i am on meds for it just like someone who has any other illness.  i just think its bullshit.  i don’t think any of my friends would call me self-centered or hard to be around.

  • I’m sorry to hear about your friend doing that to you. By ignoring your messages you don’t get any closure.

    I agree with your post. But I think, from my own personal experiences, you left out one thing why you can’t be friends with a depressed person. Those who are depressed can be draining on other people. Sometimes they may push people away, but there are times when they try to pull people in to be reassured they are a good person. Or they may come to rely on someone else for whatever ounce of happiness they get rather than seeking happiness from within. 

    I think there is a difference between trying to helping someone and realizing if they cannot help themselves, neither can you.

  • walk a mile in their shoes … and then make your jerk generalizations!!!

  • Whoa Dan. I have never read a post of yours that I liked or agreed with.
    Quick, someone go check hell & make sure it’s not frozen over. While
    This post isn’t very sensitive towards depressed people,it is spot on
    - I have been that depressed person who pushed people away & I’ve been
    The friend who gets abused & treated unkindly by a depressed friend. Neither
    situation is pleasant. This is an insightful if a callous post

  • awww schnap.

    Yes and no. Yes, when someone is depressed they become more introverted and stuck in their own head, making them harder to talk to/be friends with. But what kind of friend just drops someone because they’re going through a “down” or hard time in their lives? A selfish one. Yes, it’s hard to be friends with them. But are they worth any less because they’re depressed. They need friends, whether or not they think so at the time.Stick with them. Give them time, and a lot of patience. Asking too much? ok then, you got the meaning of friendship wrong. 

  • I think it takes a pretty shitty friend and uncaring person to ditch or ignore their depressed friends. One sentence “how are you feeling” could mean the world to them. You don’t have to spend every minute of your life making them feel better. But you don’t have to be a dick to them either.

  • It is usually best to take the focus off of yourself and give to others,it helps to keep our issues in perspective.
    I am not usually depressed but when it hit you were there daily to help and support me through that difficult time. How I knew I was better was sham I started doing for others again , reaching out past the room I was in .

  • @squeakysoul - Agreed…

  • I’m depressed (was diagnosed with major depression back in 2004). And I know I am draining that’s why I turn away from friendships. Save everyone time, energy, trouble and effort. :)

    And I delight in giving to charities and doing volunteering. I do look for others that are suffering to help them but sorry I also like to be alone. Just is that way.

  • @jenessa1889 - …you’re really going to equate starving african children to depressed americans? africa? to america?? come on now..

  • @MILF_Academy - you hit that nail right on the head.  I think alot of the reason I’ve suffered bouts of clinical depression is BECAUSE I was so worn out and drained from giving everything to everyone else, and getting very little back. I’m a widowed single mom, been raising my kids alone for the past 16 years, and when it comes right down to it, although there have been friends and family around at times, truly it all falls on my shoulders.  We all need friends, touch, warmth, kindnesses, help with the day to day struggles, just to stay on an even keel.  Even through all these years, with much anxiety and some depression, while I may not have much left over to give friends and extended family, it’s because I have given it all to my kids and those directly around me. 

     I completely disagree with Dan’s assertion that depressed people are narcissistic.  I was around a truly narcissistic person for a number of months, and he was not depressed – he was so full of himself and his wonderfulness that he thought it was his job to put everyone else down and point out everyone’s flaws.   He was mean, and emotionally abusive to many people.   That’s not depression. 

     Depression is often retreat and withdrawal, yes, but partly self-protection and 99% about trying to not be a burden to others. That’s caring for others, while taking care of yourself.   It takes a lot to pull a depessed person out – often medication, therapy, and of course, trying to claw your way out yourself, but if you don’t have friends and loved ones around to support you even in small ways, what’s the point of even trying to feel better, if no one’s going to be there when you get out of that hole?’ Life, and certain circumstances people have to live with, be they repeated loss, abandonment, illnesses, family problems, raising children alone, problems with a child, all can be physically draining and can actually be so constantly overwhelming as to affect the brain chemistry, bathing the brain in chemicals that cause depression.  It’s happened to SO many people I know, especially noticeable among mothers who are raising special needs kids, or men or women who have lost a spouse or child, single moms and dads, people with a chronic medical condition or serious illness or handicap…depression isn’t just the face of emo teenagers.  Abandoning these people in your life just so it doesn’t ‘rub off on you’ smacks of exclusion and elitism, and doesn’t give those people the hand up that they so desperately need.  They can’t do it alone.

    Don’t you think most suicides, Dan, are the result of just the attitude you display?  People weren’t paying attention, people were pulling away, the depressed person felt totally isolated and bereft and felt they had no one who cared, and no alternative, and were totally overwhelmed trying to do it alone

  • have you ever suffered from depression? and i don’t just mean really sad sometimes, i mean beyond sad–feeling worthless, feeling like a failure, never feeling good enough? have you ever lost the passion to do your favorite things? have you ever hated yourself so much that you spent hours every day contemplating ending your life?  it sure doesn’t sound like it.

    you don’t just “get over” being depressed. who would actually WANT to be miserable all the time? yes, there are some people who feel they deserve to be depressed, and being in such a state of mind makes it even easier to focus on the negatives and “prove” that they don’t deserve happiness. often, depressed people also feel that they don’t deserve friends, and that they are only a burden on other people. that’s why they push others away.

    do you know how depressing it is to not know how to be HAPPY? it’s one of the simplest emotions.

    being human means that, by nature, we each think our feelings are elevated above everyone else. we think we are more important. it’s not until you walk in someone else’s shoes or experience something like what they’ve been through that you can actually understand their pain.

    your decision to be friends with depressed people is your doing. you wanted to fill YOUR needs. just like everyone else. on some level, everything we do is self-serving. and that’s the only person you can truly help through your actions alone.

  • I have depression. My friends didn’t leave me for being the ’clingy’ type that constantly needs approval. They left because I wasn’t successful. My depression kept me from good schools, good jobs and things of that sort, and has ultimately left me sitting on my ass all day, with no friends and nothing to really look forward to. Can’t particularly blame them as they were just looking out for themselves. And that’s just how the cookie crumbles in this world.

    I’m an okay friend… But I do tend to ‘push people away’, and that also had something to do with losing my friendships. But I generally don’t resort to juvenile things. Instead I keep my issues with people inside and let it only hurt me.

    ‘Getting over myself’ is probably exactly what needs to be done. Easier said than done however.

  • @squeakysoul - Agreed, 100%

    Wish I read this -before- telling you how badly I felt the other day. I’ll remember this next time I get that urge.

  • @musicmom60 - I really appreciate your comment. You really know exactly what you’re talking about and there is no possible way I could’ve put it nearly as well as you did. Thank you.

  • I totally get you. I’ve seen that as well.

  • @MILF_Academy - same here. this post made me angry. possibly angry enough to finally come back to posting here. i’ve been out for the last several months, trying to get things together.

    blah i’m done now. lol

  • wait, a person suddenly dropping you out of their life isn’t something a depressed person would do. it’s something anyone, who felt they didn’t have any other option, would do. but i really agree with depressed people elevating their pain over everyone else’s. i know it takes a lot of endurance to be in a one-sided relationship like that, that’s why its better to have them see a counselor, someone who is better trained/equipped for those kinds of relationsips. however, just because they are depressed, doesn’t mean we can’t have some jolly good fun. :) and you can, you just have to find something that you’ll both enjoy until they feel normal again. sometimes, if they prefer to be alone for a bit or need some air, giving them that is good too.

  • “But I also think that the key for some depressed people is to get over themselves and simply invest a little more in the people around them.”

    Actually, I think the key is for them to get help for themselves.   There’s being depressed, and there’s suffering from chronic depression.  The latter cannot be solved by “getting over ones self.”  Take it from someone who’s been in that deep, dark, hole.

    And then there are chronically whiney people who crave attention, refuse any and all offers of help, and want to take everyone into that dark hole with them.   That’s a whole other category.

  • In a personal way, I kind of know what you mean. I can sort of relate. I do get down a lot and some people tell me I am probably depressed. Even if I am, it’s something I try to keep to myself but it tends to seep outward. Imagine if your current life situation feels oppressive and claustrophobic, and it feels like you’re going nowhere. Especially if the people around you have the freedom you desire, the lifestyle you desire, the social and other skills you desire, and seem to be moving forward, it gets even more depressing. Feeling worthless and skill-less, with a lack of will for anything really makes it hard.
    I think i’ve been pushing some of my friends away with my self-hatred, and we were never super close to begin with, because of my shyness. I wish I could take it back now, because I care deeply for my friends but always had a hard time showing it. Tis why I feel the need to start over…

    I agree with some of the posters; most people are narcissistic in nature and tend to focus on themselves. But I know that I’ve spent way too much time moping being introverted. Of course it’s bad, because then I become super introverted, and become obsessed with brooding about my problems. One good thing though, is that I think I know myself pretty well by now, and I can sort of figure out what I want and need. Not all the time though.
    I also want to say that I am often happy and upbeat. Just really sensitive to hate and hateful people, and how dark and evil humanity (as well as fate) can be. For those people with weak will power, they can feel pushed down more easily and it’s harder to get back up. And for those of us with social awkwardness or who are not forward, most of humanity does not automatically reach out and so it’s hard to connect with people. Sometimes they are forced to stay alone. Sometimes there is no light at the end of the tunnel, and it seems that nothing is worth living for. It gets hard…

  • I am not currently depressed; the key for me was learning to invest more in myself.

    You will not be getting an answer to why, because you’ve shown to me lately that you’re most interested in yourself and how much people will continue to like you.

  • Musicmom60′s comment was right on. I know when I’m depressed I don’t want to be around people because frankly, I’m a drag to be around when depressed and don’t want to put my problem on others or have others see me so pathetic. So I tend to isolate myself until I can be my happy self again.

  • I remember saying something along these lines a while back…. Helping someone while they are stuck in the mud will most likely get you nowhere other than stuck in the mud right next to them. Overcoming depression is something that only the individual can do with the help of illegal narcotics. 

  • I really don’t see that much horribly wrong with this post. I have friends like this. It’s nearly impossible to have a normal relationship with them, all they want to do is talk about how they hate their lives, and when I try to address it, and talk to them about it I “just don’t understand.” And then it falls back into a cycle of negativity, that’s never ending. I try and help my friends, and to those who are depressed – stop thinking you’re the only one who’s ever been depressed, people understand more than you think they do, let them try and help. And if you don’t, how can you expect them to want to deal with such negativity forever? Someone can only try helping for so long until they realize it’s an uphill battle, and until you take control of your life, and emotions, nothing is going to change.

  • well i did not have anything to say i just thought i would cum by and brown nose you for a while caus I dont have my own life and Lobotomy wont let me ride her apron strings today so i’m here to kiss your ass. wuv you ;)

  • yeah, no one can stand us. *waves hand impatiently* i think we all know this shit, and fuck, none of us are begging you to stick around. more often than not, we’re positively screaming for you to get as far the fuck away as possible.

  • Your blog hit so close to home.  Right now my best friend is depressed and pushing me away and there’s not a thing I can do about it.   She’s a notoriously difficult person when she isn’t depressed, which doesn’t help when she is depressed.  We used to speak daily up until about a month ago when she started ignoring my calls and messages.  She finally responded (via text) with “I’m not ignoring you right now, I just feel like being alone.  Sorry.” 

    I was totally insulted because even though she said she wasn’t, SHE WAS ignoring me.  I feel like I have no right to be angry, but I can’t help it.  She’s hurting and I can’t help, and it’s hurting my feelings that she’s pushing me away.

    I’m going to give her her space, but I hope that it doesn’t end up like you say, where we just end up drifting apart.   I’ve tried and tried and tried but it doesn’t seem like she wants to deal with her issues, so I’ll step back and wait. 

  • I see your point, but I must also say that not all depressed people are the same, and every depressed person deals with their hardships in different ways. Your point is valid for some, but it doesn’t go for all depressed or mentally ill people.

  • Some withdraw because they fear they are, and don’t want to be, a burden to others. It varies from person to person though how they cope; some withdraw, some get clingy. Depression and the severity and coping methods are all different, it depends on how the person reacts to it.

  • I’ve been depressed frequently in my life, and this is all true… Depression may come from a host of things, but if you wallow in it incessantly it becomes your problem and no one else’s. 

  • @Hinase - agreed.

    I’m bipolar. but my depressive states RARELY are about me and my feelings about myself. it depends on what type of depression it is. because not to mock someone else’s ailments but a lot of people just say they’re “depressed” and they just make up drama in their own lives to give themselves some type of “value”. to feel talked about, so they’re not invisible.

    side note: most of my friends have some type of chemical imbalance Depression or Bipolar (and i don’t have many people i consider “friends”) and yet whenever one of us is down we all try and pull them up. it’s a give and take, we understand that we’re each going to have our days.

  • @jewelianna2008 - I know mine’s medical but there are ways to change brain therapy without medication.  I’ve tried secretly stopping my meds for periods of time before, and honestly sometimes it sucks, and sometimes I can handle it.  BUT, it’s always at least a little better when I’m on them.  I take them because my anger is at an all time high when I’m not on them, and I take too many things to heart.  But just because I believe it’s medical doesn’t mean I just sit around using it as an excuse for everything I do, and depending on pills.  Medical reasons may be the cause of it, but your outlook on life will always play a factor into it.

    Honestly though?  This post is bull.  I love being there and helping other people, because I honestly don’t want to think and deal with my problems.  My nick name among friends is “community,” because I’m always looking out for everyone else.  I tend to bring up my problems a lot, but usually it’s in a joking matter.  Yes, I’ll get into moods where I truly need someone to lean on, and during those times I gotta “do me,” before thinking about anyone else first, but is that so wrong?

  • I am sorry that someone dropped you as a friend and did not respond to a private message when you tried to reconcile the friendship. 

    I hope that when something happens in your life and you find yourself depressed that no one shuts the door on you.

    I think in some ways people who are experiencing depression do indeed do the things you described, but I also think that people who are depressed know that they need people around them.  Are you making these judgments about people who are experiencing depression from personal experience or are you just judging?  People who are going through depression need healing and they need someone who is mature enough to give them the needed advice to get over what they are going through.  They need encouragement, patience, and love.  Sometimes depression can take years to get over.  They need a true friend.  From your blog entry it sounds like you are not…never mind. 

  • I am currently depressed, yet I have lots of friends.  Many of them come to me for advice and when they need to cheer up because, in spite of being depressed, I can understand that it is important to have a positive outlook and support my friends.  I talk about my depression with a few close friends and on my anonymous blog because I understand that others simply do not care to hear about it.

    The ability to befriend people experiencing depression depends on how that person handles their depression, I suppose. There are also narcissistic people who are not depressed that are difficult to maintain friendships with because of their selfish behavior.

  • @LoBornlytesThoughtPalace -  i’m glad someone besides me got the chance to stated the obvious, if you aren’t going to be their friend through the tough times then this just proves you’re a flaky friend, more importantly, the friend no one ever wants to have..

  • Really? Most of what you said is correct I guess, but I wouldn’t say I only think of myself. One of the reasons I push people away is so they don’t have to go through what I go through with me. My head is so frickin messed up that it is all I think about. That is true, but do not say narcissistic please, because I do try to think of other people.

  • @windupherskirt - Amen, Sister! Thank you for saying that.

  • I understand your perspective completely. You didn’t make a specific case about friends you do have that go in and out of depression, I won’t assume anything but I just want to hear your experiences with that.  The one thing I noticed is that a depressed friend is easy to work with, be there for, love, stand by, and I’d never turn away from them for the reason of them being depressed. But if depression gets coupled with other mental illnesses or mood challenges then unfortunately the friendship is likely doomed for an inevitable shatter. Seen it oh so many times.

  • possibly it’s just because i’m having a pretty jacked up week, but this pot infuriated me to points most people think aren’t possible.

    first off, I’d like to state that, just because you’re a crappy friend to have, doesn’t mean that instead of blaming yourself you should blame an entire population for their short comings (which, technically, aren’t quite short comings, more like, oh I don’t know, A DISEASE??)

    it’s not like they’re pissy cause of their period, it’s an actual medical problem inside your brain, very few diseases involving the brain are looked upon as minor illnesses..

    I have major medical depression, which, well just plain sucks. It’s gotten a lot better but due to recent occurrences i’ve seemed to have found a safe haven hiding in my bedroom for the past three days with my dogs, not certainly the best self medicate procedure, but for now it will do.

    my depression is not only chemical but also situational seeing as of how i have a pretty shitastic life.. don’t get me wrong, i’m blessed, honestly, i live in America and have my own beat up truck, and most of the time a good family but lifes a lot easier for most, so when i say shitastic, i mean, well, shitastic.. let me spare you the details and just allow you to use your imagination cause i’m pretty positive it’s worst..

    anyways! with my major medical depression -and when i say major, i mean as in all five billion doctors i have been to were amazed that i was still a functioning human being, let alone alive. I had been unmedicated and undiagnosed for over three years yet knowing myself what was happening refused to give up. I went to one of the hardest college prep schools, was in either captain or in charge of half the student (and faculty)  activities, took a full load of classes, including two A.P. (one being the hardest the school had to offer,) was on the swim and track team, took care of my family, scored higher on the S.A.T.’s then most of Georgia, and was friends with a good 90% of my school, and out of that ninety percent at least forty would come to me for help..
    after my school counselor finally recognized my symptoms during a horrid breakdown of mine I was taken to see a specialist, one who was booked till that time next year, yet once hearing of me, got an appointment for the very next day. They all wanted to send me to our local Mental Rehab but i refused, STILL went to school every single day and even managed to work my fucking ass off in attempts to give my sister the best damn birthday possible that very saturday.

    It’s been over a year and i have finally started to tell somee of my closer friends of what happened and they had no clue that during the worst period of my entire life a single thing was wrong,

    so when you go and blame your jack ass friendship tactics on one of the most horrid mental diseases people fight through, people WILL get a little offended..

  • I’ve had this exact thing happen to me. I’ve suffered from sever depression for a couple of years now, but have recently gotten over it on my own, with my own will power. The friend I lost didn’t even really bother to tell me why she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. “You’re too negative,” is the only thing I can remember her telling me and because she told me this, I did become more aware of what I said and how I acted around her because I really felt that her friendship was worth keeping. Now as I look at it, the truth is she really wasn’t a great friend to me. I did take what she said into awareness and I did try to put effort into our relationship. For her my depression was an excuse to end a long-lasted childhood friendship due to changing interests and the fact that she was connected hip-to-hip with her new boyfriend. I was the one who wanted the relationship. She didn’t. So, in my personal experience people do use it as an excuse. 

  • I agree, it is difficult to have a depressed friend.  For any relationship to be considered “healthy” there should be an equal balance of give and take.  Most people would agree that if one person is always giving and another is always receiving, that there is something wrong.

    Depressed friends take a lot more than they give, which is not what we sign up for when we make friends. However, depressed people can’t exactly help being depressed.  Are depressed friends supposed to be the exception to this rule, or what?

    Morally it’s tricky because there’s conflicting obligations–to the self and to the friend.

    I guess another way to talk about this would be to ask, “how much can a depressed person help being depressed, and can they be held partially responsible for not attempting to get better/improve their relationships?” I don’t know if I can blame the depressed people, though.  Tricky stuff.

  • @adamswomanlost - 

  • @estrellasong -  i totally agree.

  • Please, experience major depression before you make your little claims about something you know nothing about. Thank you. Maybe your friend fits this description but most people don’t.

  • When learning to deal successfully with difficult people, you can learn valuable lessons about yourself.
    To understand that people (not necessarily those depressed or negative) to whom you find most difficult to deal with, can also be your most valuable teachers. Because your problems with them are not really due to how they are, but more so, to how you respond or react to how they are.
    If you work to relate positively towards difficult people, you develop the skills necessary, that can serve you well in many of lifes other challenging situations.
    People are the way they are. We need to get past the need to try to change them, past the need to judge or condemn, and look for the value they do and can offer.
    And yes, sometimes that value is deeply hidden, and believe me, when you find it you’ve found a real treasure, something that few people take the time to uncover.
    With any difficult person you encounter, when we make a point to look past the difficult part and focus your attention on the person part, you will see their true value.
    And there are other people with whom you interact, they are mirrors that help you to see things within yourself.
    It true that with some people, that mirror can be difficult to view, and yet when you have the courage to do so, and the rewards can be many and great.

  • @Disastroushybrid - Honestly, even with my depression, my life has never been about myself. No matter if I’m depressed or manic, or myself or not, I’m always looking out for others and not myself. I’m always the kindest person out there. I’m always there for my friends no matter the moods. Being for others, is just how I am personally. I just hide everything inside and let it pile up and then when no one is around, I vent. It’s less trouble to burden people, if they aren’t willing to help or have no idea how to.

  • @cheesecakeloverk - Hey! What I meant by that is that there are 2 ways of looking at it. I may have said 2 types of depression, but I actually meant outlooks :) There are people who THINK it’s their fault and thus try to fix things but are disheartened when they can’t. And then there’s those who know it’s a biological thing and then wait for meds to kick in and do nothing else. Those 2 outlooks do nothing to help depression. You, however, are embracing the outlook that is the most beneficial…aka the compensatory view. Which means you understand depression is not your fault but you’re gonna bust your ass to fight it!

    Sorry for the confusion!

  • I thought you were going to say because they drag you down.

    I’m a retired nurse and I think it’s very hard for the spouse of a depressed person to stay married to them

     Everyone can have bouts of depressive but when someone offers help then they listen.

     I am like you in that I think they are just on their pitypot or am I reading you right?

  • I can see what you mean, but it is possible. My best friend has depression, and my boyfriend has horrible anxiety and I believe some form of depression also. I think you just have to be willing to support them a LOT, and you also need to have an understanding of why they are how they are.

    I have depression too, though, so maybe that has something to do with it.

  • HAH! MY GOD. Evil man. I’m trying to figure out why you would be so hateful. I mean I know you love yourself and all, talking about how it really sucked balls for you to have to DEAL with all these friends you can’t understand, but really? You say you just had to try to help the depressed people, but it sounds like you only made it worse. Or did it to appear philanthropic.

    Unless you’re trying to be hypocritical.People SUFFER from depression. They don’t relish thinking only of themselves. Low self-worth, loneliness, depression, etc. is a haze in front of the vision. It’s not enjoyed, it’s not appreciated. Most people who are depressed just want to leave themselves and go somewhere else, but they’re stuck. It’s a medical condition, often misunderstood for “narcissism”.It’s something you’ve obviously never experienced, so you have no idea the pain of wanting so bad to smile for your friends and family, but only grimacing or maybe not even being able to face the people you love at all, maybe even hurting yourself because you’re horrible at faking emotions. You shouldn’t give up on your depressed friends. The reason they act like life is tough for them is because life really is tough! Sorry, but you’re an a$$.

  • lv wallets is often a French fashion house proven in 1854, year soon after year, its designer and style become an increasing number of diversification. As pretty much known, Louis Vuitton belongs to the world’s leading international manner house. If you usually are fashion elite, you may curiosity about the fashion show concerning newest handbags.

  • I’ve struggled with depression and I have many depressed friends, so let me say something that comes from BOTH sides of that, as a Christian.

    When you stop being friends with a depressed person because you feel it’s too hard, you’re kindof missing the point of Christian friendships.
    God doesn’t give up on us because we’re difficult. The ENTIRE Old Testament should teach us that.
    That said, you can’t FORCE a depressed person or ANY person to maintain their relationship with you. If this person cut you off because of their depression, the best thing for you to do (NOT as a last resort, but as a FIRST reaction) is to pray for that person’s healing and for more opportunities for you to show them God’s love.
    Making them realize they’re being self-centered isn’t your job. With the Spirit’s leading you may be able to help them come to that conclusion, but you must do it IN LOVE, you must do it GENTLY, you must do it PATIENTLY, TENDERLY, GRACIOUSLY. 
    Hint: Saying “you’re just being self-centered. You ought to think about others more” would be the WRONG way to go about doing that. 
    The right way would be to be a good example, maybe ask them to come with you to a ministry. Get them out there. Don’t just nag them.Don’t be a jerk to them.And yes, that’s going to mean a lot of turning the other cheek. A lot.God calls us to that with our ENEMIES. How much more with our friends?

  • I used to have depression. I’m still not sure if I got better.

    There is a lot of truth in this post.

  • This is why YOU can’t be friends with depressed people. You aren’t strong enough or something. 

  • What you said in the last sentence, put in a more delicate manner, is known as cognitive behavioral therapy. It is very effective and helps people with depression a great deal. It’s just harder/requires more effort than taking medicine – and for a lot of people I think CBT or DBT would help more than medicine, especially just medicine alone.

  • Posts like these pretty much confirm my fears that my bipolar disorder will make it impossible for me to maintain close, long-term friendships or ever find a spouse or boyfriend. But it’s also nothing that’s shocking to me, or something I haven’t already thought about myself. I try to be the best person I can in my relationships, but unfortunately if I’m not getting out of bed, I’m not really committing to my friendships. 

  • As far as people with severe depression, they need professional help and I am not a professional.  We all get down at times and need a friend but that is totally different than actual depression that takes medication and professional help to get better.  Sometimes being a friend is tellign someone to get professional help.

  • omg. i feel like i totally just saw myself while reading this. that kinda makes me feel like shit

  • I’m a depressed person and you are right..we DO push people away, even though they want to help. Its not that we don’t want people..its just that most don’t understand. I found that I get over it easier when I help myself instead of with the help of others…and not all depressed people are selfish…I tend to put others before myself actually. And also, depression is a medical problem..everyones like “get over it!” YOU CANT just get over it or yourself. Some can, but severe depression needs professional help.

  • Um, I have been diagnosed with depression and I am absolutely not like this. Thanks for stereotyping every depressed person on earth. It’s more difficult than you think. Just because you or your closest friends aren’t depressed doesn’t mean that you can go talking about how absurdly difficult it is to make and keep friends with depression. We’re normal people, too, you know. We want the same things that everyone else wants.

  • as a Christian, psychological researcher and friend of many depressed people, i agree that it is difficult to be friends with a depressed person, but not impossible. this is a topic that can be taken very seriously, as it should, but also needs to be looked at on a case-by-case basis. not all who suffer from depression are going to act the same. it takes a lot of strength and mental endurance to stay friends with someone who is severly depressed and still feel like you are making a difference in that person’s life.

    I have seen many cases wherein a depressed individual has raised thier own problems and pains above others around them, but at some point we have all thought that our own pain is worse than others. That is a natural thought; to YOU, your pain is the worse. Even if you are empathetic and humble in heart, there is something that we each probably believe happened to us that was worse than others. Regardless, this post does make a certain amount of sense and should not be discredited as “cold and unsympathetic” as I have seen in other responses and comments. I do admit that the choice of words could have been better, but the feeling of exhasperation and weariness has been communicated.

  • I have been friends with many people who have dealt with depression. At times I felt like a psychiatrist… Sometimes they would only talk about their problems and focus on their needs… Friendship is about give and take, not sucking the lifeforce/energy out of someone! Hang around those who support you, nurture you, are kind  and generous… Don’t let those emotional vampires get you down. Negativity can be contagious.

  • wow, people are flipping a shittttt. but that was to be expected.

    he didn’t say that every single depressed person in the world is like this. this is a special case for dan and what he has observed in his life.

    i’ve suffered from minor depression, and it’s conflicting. you want people to help but you don’t want to dump your troubles on others, so you feel even worse not knowing what to do. my best friend suffers from depression, but she’s doing a lot better. she likes company and talking things out. she attempted suicide and lived, thank god, and now she’s making a HUGE effort to be happy.

    then there are some depressed people that don’t want any sort of human relationship and push people.

    then there are others who aren’t actually depressed; just overdramatic or emotional.

    every single person is different. it sucks that you encountered someone that didn’t want your help dan, and there really isn’t much you can do about it. if someone won’t talk to you and just push you away then that’s on them, depressed or not. if someone truly does everything in their power to damage all their friendships, you can try to help but there is only so much you can do. you can let someone know you’re there if they need you, but a lot of people just like space. a lot of people mentioned above that they want to isolate themselves to make themselves happier and pull themselves back up.

    dan wasn’t trying to stereotype or be rude. he probably just should’ve worded a few things differently, but i understand the message he was trying to convey, the personal message. he’s not telling everyone that you can’t be friends with a depressed person because obviously that’s not true.

    but you also can’t tell someone who can’t be friends with a depressed person shitty. some people honestly cannot do it. i’m a stronger person and have talked to and helped a lot of depressed person, but a lot of people can get dragged down and overwhelmed too easily. they’re not terrible friends; it’s just harder for them to understand or provide more support.

  • I have depression so I guess you dont want to be my friend but thats ok I cant be friends with stuck up dirty c**ts like yourself
    Maybe all people with depression should go kill themselves so they are not such a burden on you anymore.. you poor thing

  • @AlchemyofSin - Agreed!

  • @brittany_7x - Actually, he did mean every depressed person when he says: “But I have come to understand that depressed people for the most part are very difficult to make friends with”, and continues writing not about his friend, but “them”. 

  • @Hinase - i know what you mean. it’s usually caused by an event surrounding a loved one : /  not every depressed person is conceited lol. 

  • @Disastroushybrid - Mine wasn’t involved around an event caused by a loved one. Mine was just coming out randomly and everyone noticed it except for myself. I was perfectly fine until it struck me. Mental disorders run in my family as well.

  • @OhItWontBeForever - Why do you think they have the supposed need to push people out though?

    Btw, he’s telling them to get over themselves and to basically shut up. Isn’t he being just as subjective, and thinking only about his discomfort and his irritation? I can understand had he entitled it “Why It’s DIFFICULT To Be Friends With A Depressed Person” not “Why you CAN’T Be Friends With A Depressed Person”… that implies what? That one should just give up being friends with them and abandon them in their times of needs? *CAN’T* that word CAN’T. It’s as though all is hopeless. Nothing is hopeless. We always should have hope, even in these people.

  • @Of_Ravens_And_Roses - or maybe he cares too much, and he wants to save them, but he realizes that he can’t. humans weren’t made to be saviors. except for one… but that’s opening a new can of worms. :)

  • @brittany_7x -  Better title/wording then. “WHY YOU CAN’T BE FRIENDS WITH A DEPRESSED PERSON”. Regardless of whatever implication or personal message he has, the title should accurately reflect the content of the post. With that title, it is as though he is stating that it’s just impossible to be friends with A depressed person. “A” meaning any depressed person. Should have said SOME depressed people. “Why It’s Difficult To Be Friends With Some Depressed People.” He would have gotten less flack had he use the latter.

  • Different people act in different ways you know. But I like to have friends who can show their true emotions I mean if you can’t tell your friends when your sad and how your feeling how can you ever truly have a true blue friend?

    Omg wow lol I didn’t mean blue like sad XD wow sry if that looks weird

  • @Hinase - yeah; when i’m DEEP in one or the other, because of some thing that has happened (break up , death , whatever) I notice … but if i’m rapid cycling and i’m just smacking the belly of each feeling little by little i don’t see it but everyone around me feels it :/ womp womp

  • @Disastroushybrid - My moods just happen regardless of an event. Yeah, my mania I’m trying to control and have gotten better. It’s not so bad as it was before. 

  • I see what you’re saying.  It is exhausting being friends with someone dealing with depression.  I’m currently dealing with severe depression and I speak from experience when I say that I exhaust myself trying to get better so I can’t imagine what this puts my friends through.  I have days where I need someone to talk to and days that I just want to lock myself in my room and never come out.  While being depressed is certainly more extreme,  I believe that it’s very similar to the ups and downs that everyone goes through from day to day.  I’m sorry that you lost a friend.  I hope that everything works out for you.

  • I agree with many of the previous commenters, like Hinase and Wait by Moonlight.
    And it may seem that the person is being narcissistic to those around them, but in their own minds that’s not the case. Most of the people I knew with depression or bi-polar thought like I did when I was in the worst of my depression. I kept thinking about everyone else but I thought that I was a burden on them, mostly based on things they said or actions they did (albeit my mind exaggerated a lot of these things). We take in insignificant clues (or sometimes significant ones) to believe that others don’t find us worthy. Maybe it’s narcissistic to think that the problem is ourselves but it’s based on paying attention to everyone around you. I also remember that I would constantly be harder on myself for not being able to pull myself out of my depression even though my pain wasn’t as bad as the pain of many other people. I know a lot of people who think/thought this way…we really do believe we are taking others into consideration and a lot of times, that’s why we pulled away as well.
    Now granted, it is hard to be friends with someone who has depression, mainly because many people pull away from those closest to them. But keep in mind we don’t see ourselves doing that many times. I know I always thought that I was listening to my friends’ advice and going to them often. I didn’t realize until after I started therapy that I really wasn’t doing either things. It took a long time before I could see why many of my friends left me. It was justified, however it only made my depression worse. I know very few people who are inspired to get better by people leaving them so I say to stick it out with the person and show them you care. Eventually they will get it.

  • You really should stay friends with depressed people – they get some of the best drugs.

  •    There is a myriad of reactions one faces to the equally diverse array of levels of depression.  Certainly, you have your self-absorbed types whose egocentric tendencies are what drive their depression.  You also have others who are similar but choose to focus outwardly as a means of ‘escaping’ that depression, realizing that so long as they are neck-deep in the problems of others that they do not have time to stop and think about themselves.  This type will often have times where they wall themselves off and say very little but it is generally to spare others of their depressed side until they have the chance to “recharge their battery” as it were.  Many of this second category tend to function fine and their depression can even go unnoticed even by the majority of their friends.  Obviously you have a multitude of people who fall somewhere between the two as well as others whose modus operandi is different still.  The point being that some who are ‘depressed’ people are no danger to either themselves or others but learn to use the state to make them more sensitive to the feelings of others rather than to blind them to those feelings.

  • I find this post very upsetting. As someone who has suffered from depression in varying degrees for the last 10 years I feel lost and alone. Yes, I’m sure having a depressed friend is a chore and extremely draining. Try putting the shoe on the other foot… How do you think it feels to be that depressed person? All your friends abandon you because you are such hard work. The more you are alone, the more depressed and isolated you feel. Depression is a illness. Not something you can just get over! If that was the case, then as a reasonably intelligent person, I think I would have been able to put two and two together and realise why I had no friends and decide to get over myself as you so eloquently put it. Friends are the one thing that depressed people need most and without them it is almost impossible to beat. While everyone of us has a choice how we live our lives, whether to be compassionate or not, whether to be self serving or not…. I am shocked at how many selfish people inhabit this earth. But then I suppose I should just get over it…

  • Some Santas

    Coach Outlet Online

    are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness

    Gucci Belt

    thrust upon them. And then there are those happy fellows who take a week-long class in all things

    Coach Factory Outlet

    Father Christmas, and come out the other side with a coveted B.S.C. degree

    Coach Outlet Store Online

    (Bachelor of Santa Claus).Such was the fate of those

    Coach Factory Outlet

    who, for years, chose to take instruction at Charles Howard’s

    Coach Outlet Online

    Santa Claus School in the upstate New York town of Albion, not far from

    Coach Online Outlet

    Rochester. In fact, the school still exists today, 75 years after it

    Coach Outlet Online

    was founded by Howard in 1937; since the mid-1960s, it has operated

    Coach Outlet Online

    out of Midland, Michigan, and remains the world’s oldest Santa

    Hermes Belts

    school.In 1961, LIFE’s Alfred Eisenstaedt visited Howard’s school for would-be Santas,

    Coach Factory Online

    and made a series of photos chronicling the evidently quite fun process

    Coach Outlet Store Online

    of learning to be all the Santa Claus one can be. (Many of the pictures

    Coach Outlet Store Online

    here were not originally published in the article that

    Coach Factory Online

    ran in LIFE.) In its November 17, 1961, issue, LIFE shared the lighthearted

    Coach Outlet

    goings-on at the school with its readers
    He teaches

    Coach Outlet Store

    the history of Santa Claus, make-up and costumes (“Don’t use false

    Coach Outlet

    eyebrows — let your own grow”), Christmas stories and how to be jolly. He tells how to cope

    Coach Outlet Online

    with young hazards Santa may find in his lap. There is the tear-spiller

    Coach Factory Outlet Online

    (“All you can do is get his mind off what’s bothering

    Louis Vuitton Belts

    him”) and the shin-kicker (“Santa is no reformer so don’t spend much

    Coach Handbags Outlet

    time with him”). Most dangerous of all is the beard-yanker. “When

    Coach Outlet Online

    you see a devilish gleam in the eye,” he says, “you know you’ve

    Coach Factory Online

    got one. So you grab your beard underneath, hold tight and when he

    Coach Factory Online

    yanks, holler Ouch.Finally, we’ll end with one of Howard’s more

    Coach Outlet Online

    memorable quotes about St.

  • @QuirkyThings -  I agree with your comment. I decided to break away from my friend who has depression. I’ve done all I could to be a compassionate and thoughtful friend. All his negative feedback is too much for me. 

  • yah you’re a jerk

Post a Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *