1. Nightly Walks (daily “us” time) That’s great, but when your spouse is not interested, or treats you like an annoyance, it is for naught. You can’t force someone to love you back.

2. Romance. When your wife always has an excuse not to go out with you, when the kids are more important than spending any time with you, when there is always another committee, Bible study, birthday party, etc., you go to the bottom of the food chain. Not the way to “grow the flames of passion”… you can leave the little love notes, give the little gifts, do the laundry and the dishes, clean the cat box, and when you don’t get a “Thank You”, or you get a “well, you did the laundry, what do you want, an award? Why didn’t you fold them and put them away too? I asked you last week to clean out the garage and get rid of those old duck decoys and that other hunting crap, and it is still there…bee-atch, bee-atch, bee-atch..” After a decade of this your feelings for this person are going to be contempt, not love…

3. Your spouse is your Priority. That may be, but if YOU are not THEIR priority, it becomes a one-way street, and you become a doormat. When your spouse criticises you for not earning enough, and suggests you get a part time job, because “you never help out around the house or with the kids anyway, might as well be doing something useful…” When they forget your birthday, or get you a cheap shirt from the sale rack at Walmart, that tells you where you stand. When you come home from work, the lights are off and the doors are locked, then you find a fix-it list on the counter, including “make your own lunch for tomorrow, you are the one that eats it!”… you realize you are not a priority. You are not a husband, you are an adult babysitter living in the same house. You are an annoyance to put up with, not a partner.

4. Arguing. When you have a disagreement, and all your old faults are trotted out and thrown in your face, when, after doing something 100 times and getting it right 99, you get blasted for the one time you screwed up, and told repeatedly what a miserable failure you are, you sort of give up trying. Better to tell them they are right, you are wrong, it’s all my fault. At least that ends the arguing for the time being. Better to be a doormat than a punching bag.

5. Focus on what you can do. This is correct. If you are in a loveless marriage, be the best parent to your child you can be. Show love and compassion to your spouse, but at arm’s length, to protect yourself. You cannot give if your cup is empty, if your spouse is constantly sucking the life out of you. Find people at church, elderly, volunteer, do something where you get positive feedback and support, otherwise the depression will get you. When all you hear is the constant drip, drip, drip of negativism from your spouse, it wears on you. Even the strongest optimist cannot overcome the pessimist when you are constantly bombarded day after day after day.

6. Forgive. You can and should forgive. We are admonished to do that Biblically. But you will not forget. Not the repeated hurts, the put downs, the lack of compassion, romance, interest.  You will not forget being taken advantage of, used, belittled. It kills a marriage. The hardest person to forgive is yourself. When you finally get a belly full of being abused, and make the decision to leave that cancerous person, cut them out of your life so you can heal, can focus on being the best, most positive parent to your child, when you realize that you were created in God’s image, and He loves you, and wants you to be happy and whole, the hardest person to forgive for breaking that marriage covenant is yourself. But God is merciful. He forgives us when we screw up, He forgives us when we don’t deserve it, He forgives us when we break our promises and vows. And when you finally give up on a marriage, He will forgive you too.

7. Express your love. Absolutely. Verbally. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. In all ways express your love. When we worship God and put Him first in our lives, when we love others as we love ourselves, this is the perfect expression of love. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. When we imitate Christ’s life, His love and compassion for even the unlovable, when we are faced with laying down our lives for our friends, this is the ultimate love. When we love someone and are constantly and repeatedly rejected, humiliated, made to feel small, insignificant, useless, worthless, eventually that love will die. No matter how hard you try to love that person, eventually their behaviors will kill the love you feel for them. It is far more painful when it is a rebellious child, as they are always your child, you cannot “divorce” them.

There are no guarantees. Many of us struggle with the concept of divorce, and try as hard as possible to stay in a marriage and “make it work”. Well, it takes two. No matter how hard you try, if the other person is unwilling, you cannot “make it work”. And as painful as it is, you have to move on, especially if there are small children. You have to be a positive role model for them, showing them how to overcome adversity, how to deal with unreasonable people, sometimes including removing yourself from their presence and influence. You have to be the best parent you can be, and you have to be mentally healthy, and have a positive support group of family, friends, and clergy around you to do it.

If you are lucky enough to be married to someone who loves you back, you are richer than you can possibly realize. After 17 years of marriage, 10 of those spent trying to “make it work”, I can speak to that. And after being divorced for over 10 years, those scars run deep, and may never fully heal. I can also speak to that. And having successfully raised three wonderful young adults as a single parent, I can speak for the virtues of a positive attitude and a positive support group, the value of being an optimist and being a positive role model for your kids, despite the anger and negativism of a bitter pessimistic ex. You can overcome it. It is very hard, and sometimes you have to do it alone, but you can overcome it.
And when you see your kids grow up to be positive, well adjusted, optimistic people with a good work ethic, that love to help others, are kind and compassionate, you know you have done a good job. You know you will hear those cherished words, “Well done, thy good and faithful servant”.. and tho you may walk the rest of your earthly life alone, you need not be. For God is there to walk beside you, and He treasures the time with you, sharing your thoughts and deeds, your daily walks, the compassion you demonstrate to others, the kindness you show to the weak. He loves to hear your prayers, to hear you express your love for Him, to hear the “Thanks” for the beautiful sunset He created for you, the kittens He created for you to enjoy, the warm still summer evenings at sunset, when you feel so close to Him.

When you are in love with God, you are never forgotten, never forsaken. He will not reject you, hurt you, berate you, mistreat you. He will always be there beside you when the going gets tough, and He has your back when you are up against it. People will fail you, but God never does.