July 30, 2011
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My First Attempt At Erotica
There is an erotica writing contest on xanga so I thought I would take a shot at it. Tell me what you think.
I showed up to a party one night that my brother was holding at his place. Rob and Scott were as different as night and day. Rob was a kind and shy guy who was a virgin. He wanted to wait for that special person. Scott was sort of a player and had his fair share of sexual conquest. They were both at the party but I wasn’t sure which one was going to get my attention. Rob was safe but his lack of experience made him more attractive. I felt myself drawn to him.
I was attracted to Scott for very different reasons. He was careless and reckless. He lived life on the fast track. He was everything that my parents hated. I drank several glasses of beer. I was tipsy. I danced with Scott for awhile and our bodies rubbed against each other. I went over and talked to Rob but he struggled to flirt with me even though I sensed he liked me. After awhile I was dead tired. So I walked into a room and laid on the bed. I went in and out of sleep in my slightly drunk state.
I then reached over and felt his warm body next to me. He had only his boxers on and the lights were off. His face was covered with the blanket. I started to hump up against his leg. I wasn’t even sure whether it was Rob or Scott. I just kept kissing his stomach. I slowly removed his boxers to reveal the grand prize. I ran my hand up and down his shaft in a teasing way. I could feel his body reaction. I placed his erection in my mouth and began to give him a blow job. I love the feeling of control. His hips moved up and down as I moved his penis in and out of my mouth. I licked the top of his shaft and then rubbed my tongue up and down the bottom of his manhood.
When I knew I had him at the point of no return, I dropped it deep inside my mouth and swallowed him whole. His body moved in pleasure. I continued to suck on him for another 30 seconds to let him continue to feel the pleasure. I kissed his stomach and made my way up to see which guy it was. I removed the blanket to discover it was my brother.
Comments (90)
I knew it!
I fapped to this.
I’m sad I’m not in this story.
I hate it when that happens.
We wrote one together a year or two ago, remember? It was very similar to this. I still have it.
hahaha ewwwwwww XD
haha wow. i don’t know what to say about the whole brother thing.
good story. but since i have a brother myself…… i’m a little disturbed.
but great story LOL
So not only is TheoDan a master at making posts out of random news stories and polls he finds, but he can write erotica that can wet any woman’s panties. IS THERE ANYTHING THAT THEODAN CANNOT DO???
PLOT TWIST!
ps. ew.
Can’t say I saw that coming.
This is probably the most definitive sign that you might be gay.
Well, that might be the most disturbing erotica that I’ve ever read. And that includes fanfiction.
If that’s what you were going for, good job.
Freaking awesome.
As a writer, my critiques: (I am in the process of getting some erotica published myself
)
Find some better phrase other than blow job. Your build up of the sexuality of it is nice but that term just kinda hits the brakes. “I placed his erection in my mouth and slowly lowered my mouth around it. His hips rose…” etc. Basically describe the blow job, rather than just saying blow job…
The other critique I think is the first paragraph. You start with “my brother” and then list “Rob and Scott” and at first I was wondering was Rob the brother or Scott? Eventually I got it, but it’s just better to avoid the confusion in the beginning for one to truly appreciate the rest of the story,..
aw come on! that ending… egh! :Q~~~
http://images.sodahead.com/polls/000317545/polls_simpsons_nelson_haha3_1841_62377_answer_3_xlarge.jpeg
Whaaaaaaaaat the fuck…
I laughed at the end. Am I going to hell now?
I read just the last paragraph thinking there would be a question.
The images in my head…………………… not good. Not good images…
*jaw drops*
*gets popcorn*
So happy to see you out of the closet, Dan. Invite me to your New York wedding or I will be so hurt!
The ending……… XD
Is this a guest post?
lol
I knew it was going to end like that :p
*BURSTS OUT LAUGHING* I can’t believe I read that…but I knew you and felt like the ending had to be good. I’ll admit I got a little nervous in the middle there though.
Nicely done!
Oh my god. I knew it had to be funny/ironic. Well done.
ahahhaahahaha (cheesin) that would be a life long scar
The deep inner meaning is unmistakable.
Has your wife read this? And if so, is she concerned?
haha pretty good.
Writing erotic fanfiction is actually my specialty.
Directed by M. Night Shyamalan.
I think I need a towel.
Very disturbing end. Oy. Alchohol is obviously very dangerous stuff.
haha i laughed out loud at the end. well done.
HA! Grand Prize.
Yeah, so don’t write erotica ever again. You have a career in comedy though
This produced a reaction in me. I don’t know what shaft is. How do you manage to get your wife horny before sex? How do you get her in the mood? Does she love sex more than most women? What happens when you find out your wife doesn’t like sex that much. What is the longest couples go without sex.
hot
Haha idk you but this made my day. Thanks
A lot of things first:
Transitions, Transitions. They make the story flow so much better.
Do more showing vs telling in your writing. Let us as readers experience it, not just tell us what is happening. You can’t draw too many people in without that. Too many stories I’ve read have this problem. If you wanna be ever good, practice and get better at this. Use metaphors, similes, everything you can to give off a fresh story.
And what happened to Rob and Scott? Be consistent in your writing.
Good job nonetheless
Oh mercy..
@PoetMcChick - I agree with you. The second sentence throws me for a loop. There are no details. Who is the narrator? How old are the characters? High school, college, older? What were the motives behind just going to the party? Just to get drunk and laid? And you don’t draw out any of the erotic scene. How would you want to make it steamy for the reader. You want to transform them from reading a story to being able to picture themselves as one of the characters enjoying the fun. And your ending is your idea, but I don’t think I should feel sick at the end of reading erotica. Ok, sorry I know it’s alot, but I want to let you know I’m trying to be constructive not demeaning. I just got confused with the story not offering any details and anyone can just say I went to a party, got drunk, and got laid. I’m sure you don’t wanna fall into that category. Good luck, hope it helps
I shouldn’t be surprised, and yet I am.
Hot.
Well that was unexpected. I was expecting a, ehm, “bigger” ending.
this made me laugh way too much.
Meow.
hahahaha EWWWWWWWWWWW…
Wow. Dan, is there something you’re trying to tell us? If you come out of the closet, please bring John Travolta with you.
hahaha oh the ending xD
Oh dear.
That was kind of awkward…
but…. bahahaha at the ending!!! Good one!
@AlynRochelle - Yeah, I agree with most of it. He doesn’t necessarily have to stay why he/she (what sex is the narrator? I think that’s what makes it interesting…we can each imagine ourselves as the narrator) is going to the party, but a little bit more description of Rob and Scott, and a little bit more about the brother than just being in the first and last sentences.
I also agree with the showing, rather than telling, in all of my writing classes, that’s a big one…
HAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHA. oh god. classic.
haha i knew it was going to do someone awkward and neither. haha.
What happened to God and His Teachings on the way to this post?
OMG!!
but wait, is this gay erotica?
Bwahahahahaha. Yes.
this isnt erotica…hehe…
WHERE IS THE CONTEST!? I NEED TO WRITE GAY OR LESBIAN PORNO!
Didn’t know you were gay.
Spicier than I expected from you, good sir.
Hahahahaha. Maybe I should start reading your blog.
I have a question; are you supposed to be a chick or a gay dude in this, or a straight guy? Whatever the answer, hopefully neither will remember this experience and be horrified!!!
Yep, that reads about right, lol.
…………….
this is good reading and it doesn’t matter how you wrote it. it made sense and the point was clear. i am slightly amused at the english teachers who have commented. i can only imagine how they would shred my own writings. i think you were asking what people think of the story versus the semantics.
oh my gosh. hahaha
this was too good.
I should probably keep reading until I get it. I am a little confused as to which one is your brother and which is your brother’s friend. I guess it would most likely be that the virgin is your brother’s friend and the other guy is on the fast track, more than eager to have sex with his sister just to take advantage of her.
I knew a girl who got pregnant by her father when she was in the sixth grade. A teacher tried to help her but she was defensive and bit him really bad. He was bleeding all over the place. I guess he got on her nerves. He always was obnoxious and always talking about how people should take showers. I tell you he must have talked about showers and time management everyday.”At least take a sponge bath,” he would say. Nobody really listened to him at least I never really did.
He would make fun of my hearing. One time I had to say “What” to one of his questions he asked me. He actually ask me if I was going to take a hearing tests. The whole class roared with laughter. I was always taking hearing tests. Like if it got worse what were they going to do about it? There is no cure. Like there is no cure for Bacteria (they just let my mother die of ecoli that invaded her body like a cancer until all her organs shut down.), viruses or cancer. Anyway, they have a name for people who have sex with their brothers and fathers and uncles and cousins or whatever, increst. It seemed like a good story. I actually read the whole thing.
Practically every sentence starting with the word “I” bugged me a bit. Also certain terminology wasn’t really romanticized to give an arousing effect (i.e. “blowjob”), but if you’re like the author Chuck Palahniuk, he uses “vulgar” (for lack of a better word) terminology all the time. Just read the book “Choke” or “Fight Club.”
@christineslittlecorner - I’m sorry about your mom. A bacteria that invades organs? What a nasty critter.
That was good but messed up she gave her bro a blowjob that’s nasty. lol
O_O
I am just not down with it Dan.
I love that people are giving you four paragraphs worth of literary advice; you were clearly going for the Pulitzer Prize! Here is some HOODFOOTWEAR from the Hoodstarz days for your efforts.
to short
predictable
>.< I am so glad i don’t have a brother.
Uh… eeew… and is the “I” in this story male or female or is that purposefully left up to the reader’s interpretation and imagination?
Fail! It was his bro!
)
hahaha oh God!
that was HILARIOUS!!!!!
i fell out of my chair i laughed so hard!!!!!
And that’s worth a mini… Oooops… is that a smack on the brother?
Always a treat. Stop by the new site. http://www.RogerBlazic.com
Eww. LOL!!!
Holy shit. Just… holy shit.
This might have been called “My First Stab at Erotica..” I love the way you describe head. It is exactly the way I would do it. Not to my brother, of course, but to each his own… And oh yes, love the way you said you “dropped it deep inside my mouth and swallowed him whole.” wow.
I knew that was going to end up fucked up.
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww =p
@PoetMcChick - u have very good points can u check mine out Im a beginner also! i would appreciate ur feedback
this was an awesome story! the ending was EPIC! absolutely luved it check mine out its my very 1st piece!
Hawt. XD