November 1, 2011
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Dan on Friendship
One of the most important decisions you will make in life is who you pick as friends.
I am sure I don’t understand everything about friendship but I would like to give my thoughts about friendship based on 39 years of life.
1. Do not make room in your life for disloyal friends. One of the biggest mistakes people make is to pick disloyal friends. If a friend can’t be there for you during the down moments, you really don’t need them during the good moments. If a person talks about you behind your back, they are not a loyal friend. You don’t need that person. Look closely at your friends. Would they be there for you if you were dying of cancer and sitting in a bed? If the answer is “no,” find other friends.
2. Learn to trust the friends you do have. Now this sounds the opposite of rule number one but at one point, you have to trust people. In order to be close to someone, you need to trust them. If you can never trust anyone, the problem is you. Now change yourself and allow yourself to trust others. You will be lonely if you never trust anyone.
3. Give trust with time. Some people are all or nothing. But it is best to make friends and trust them with information over time. In other words, you don’t need to give all of your deepest secrets the first time you meet someone. Trust is built over time. Give yourself to others emotionally with time as they show themselves as faithful friends.
4. Forgive. Friends are going to make mistakes. They will neglect your friendship with time because other things come up. Your friends do things that make you unhappy. Forgive others quickly.
5. Make friends that tend to forgive. Some people will hold things against you for days on end. You don’t need friends with an unforgiving spirit. Everything you ever do will not be good enough.
6. Someone who is a bad friend to someone else will never be a good friend to you. If someone turns on other friends, they will turn on you.
7. Make friends with the ability to build close friendships. There are some people that are just not capable of being close friends. That is fine. You can be general friends with them. But look for friends that can get close to others. It means they are capable of being close friends with you.
8. Make sure you have happy friends in your life. If everyone of your friends are depressed or unhappy, they will drag you down. I am not saying you can’t be friends with a depressed person. I am saying you can’t be friends with five depressed people.
9. Make friends that can love you during your most transparent moments. It is not a friendship if you can’t be honest with them. If you can’t tell them your honest thoughts, they are not your friend. If you have to hide things about yourself, they are not your friend.
10. Quickly drop general friends. You want to be friendly to everyone. But once you notice that a person is not really a good friend, just drop them. It will free up space for those who will be friendly and loving. Don’t stay friends with a bad friend out of regret or guilt. Just free yourself up from their friendship. You are also freeing them up to find friends that are a better fit.
Comments (62)
I like this emphasis on forgiveness. Excellent thoughts here.
show me your friends and i’ll show you your future. so true.
Very good post, but I have discovered it is much easier to find these qualities in dogs.
I know you well enough to know that you don’t make a post like this unless you got burned by someone. What happened?
So by dropping them, you mean deleting them off of FB right?
On a serious note, this is actually a timely post for me. I am currently trying to decide if a couple friends I have right now is worth the effort of keeping. I was seeing them as close friends, but I may soon have to downgrade them to just general friends.
Good advice.
This is a really great post. You make so many wonderful points. I’ve sort of been pondering about a few of my friendships and this was really good for me to read. It’s so good to see posts like this from you.
Another reason why you’re one of my favourite Xangans here.
@Roadlesstaken - I hope you’re not downgrading me
I would amend your thought about being friends with 5 depressed people to add that while one can, they must realize that those friendships will be very one-sided at least in the short-term and when they finally do rise from their ‘funk’, they will likely want to turn their back on the things that remind them of those dark times and that may well include you. If one is going to be a friend to a depressed person, go into it expecting it to be one-sided. For most people, that equates to a need to avoid such relationships, though there are those rare people who can somehow endure it without it bringing them down.
@Roadlesstaken - me, right?
hmm, well at least you won’t have to delete me off fb. virtually impossible.
@ShimmerBodyCream - *high five* xD
@HeLLo_Bianca - @wyrdkismet - You two are good…for now
@Roadlesstaken - interestingly, I’ve been having the same issue in a manner of speaking. i have a long term friend(over 10 years) who suddenly vanished off the radar. not literally, i know where he lives and have his number, but can’t seem to get any contact. and other friends who i think of as close, and who i want to be close to who seem to be growing more distant.
to me the question is not do i want these people in my life; the answer to that is “duh, of course i do, if i didn’t i wouldn’t have become friends with them in the first place.” the question is, what do they want? is this distance because of some unknown schism between us? (none of these people have expressed any problems with me, and some quite the opposite, at least in their words though the growing distance says otherwise) is it just that they are hitting a rough patch and don’t want to burden me with it? are they just unusually busy?
I tend to go all in with just a few people, so the “downgrading” bit isn’t something that’s easy for me but if it’s what they want, then i am willing to give space. i just need to know what they want. i would really hate to back off from someone thinking they were wanting space when they really needed someone to be there for them.
‘I don’t make friends easily. I am a bit choosy about the type of person to whom I will befriend with.
Ummm now I gotta take inventory on my friends and see which ones I need to dismiss and which ones are keepers! =) Great post btw.
Now I know that you are capable of giving some good advice.
This is a good list.
True things. I would like to clarify something, though, about depressed people. I know people with depression who are so aware of their condition, that they work very hard at keeping it in check. One of the most positive and uplifting people I know is a girl who struggles with her clinical depression and makes a choice, DAILY, to be positive and to focus only on the good things. Don’t make the mistake of assuming that a diagnosis of depression means the friendship will be a heavy one, some people with depression fight it.
@Roadlesstaken - I went through the same thing as you..;/ I wish you luck!
I have to agree with @FancyFlights - on your point of number 8. I’m bipolar and most of the time, this doesn’t really harm my friendships. I guess my friends are a bit more extra special because they understand and want to be my friend anyhow. Lol But yeah, don’t assume just because they have problems especially mental ones that they will harm the relationship or bring it down. It’s a different story if they know that they have it and they are not fixing it or changing their attitudes but that’s probably the only thing and even then…
I haven’t had what I would define as friends for a while now- excluding my boyfriend. I know it’s sposed to be more healthy and balanced, but I feel like I’m just as well off without them.
This is the best post you’ve written in some time, and not just because of the positive tone. Your points are very well thought out and illustrated. Besides, I agree with all of them.
I have been burned by a few friends I made here on Xanga so I don’t open up like I used too.I have made a best friend here on Xanga who has moved here to my town and hopefully will be settling down soon.So my Xanga experience has been worth it,even with the burns I’ve gotten.Looking forward to having a fishin buddy.He got burned by a few girls on Xanga too.I hope I can help him find a good woman here,while he looks,we can have some fun fishing.
Good words here Dan,I tip my hat to you.
I have been struggling with a formerly very close friendship that ended in betrayal four years ago. This person sent me a message on FB on our shared birthday expressing a desire for things to be the way they used to be, and for us to celebrate our birthdays together again. I miss the friendship enormously, but I can’t forgive the betrayal because there is no remorse. I’m expected to forgive something that my former friend feels no need to apologize for; something that caused me a lot of heartache and cost me my job and our church. And yet I miss my friend.
@Roadlesstaken - it happens a lot, Alex. Friends come and go. Some go from really close to distant, or to becoming full blown assholes
Where’s the question at the end?
@saintvi - I am so sorry that this happened to you. How are you doing with making friends now? Do you find you measure people differently than you used to?
excellent advice!
I wasn’t allowed to pick my friends growing up because I was in special ed. It was part of my IEP that I had to interact because as a child, I would not. I ended up with a few good friends but I was always the one they didn’t really want around. They were forced to be my friend due to odd social pressures like their siblings being in classes with me or their mom being the special ed teacher. They never really invited me and my sister would harp on the fact that none of them called me.
I will do a shooting because i want them out of there.
But I’m a traitor or a fraitor. I go psycho because I do not like people. If someone does not want to do anything, they should leave them alone. There’s probably a reason for everything.
My favorite is no. 10 . It allows the other person to be free and understands reciprocity….
This is why I respect you so much. Your typical post are good, and thought provoking. Although short, they typically show a subtle hint of wisdom that leaves people craving something longer, and more revealing of you as a person. When you really open up and show us a little more of yourself I am never disappointed. Great post.
Great post
I’ve been struggling with my friendship for the last couple of months. I learned a lot and pretty much, you hit the nail on the head. I dropped a few people but I realized, they made up maybe 60% of my social contacts. Hard to start over, but I’m managing it.
I agree with all that you have said. Time is too precious to waste on people who don’t treat others well. If they are an ass to others, they will be one to you. If they are talking shit about others, they talk shit about you. So on and so forth…
I would add… Don’t ever be friends with a drama queen! They will annoy the piss out of you. lol
Good list. It can be very hard to deal with the betrayal of a friend, but it’s even harder to try and forgive them.
great list. in creating friendships, this from the proactive side as opposed to what the other person brings to the table: it can take years to build strong bonds of trust but only moments to destroy them.
It great to see you expand on your thoughts, Dan. I mean, its better than walking around like a question mark all the time and asking us queastions. Which proves once again that “Dan is the Man”. Look forward to more post of this kind.
@ClimbUpTreesToLookForFish - He’s capable of plagiarizing good advice. hahahaha, But I’m serious. @RighteousBruin - Aw, Dan didn’t write that
Newdog2 and I have both seen that thing going around in an email spam.
Plus, eg., number 6, that’s not even true! Things are a lot more complicated then that!
@DivaJyoti - Thanks for the information. That means I am quite good at reading people.
I am ignorant. I don’t feel like writing. I read about Jung. His ideas are cool, he believed the universe is filled with magic with multiple planets with life-forms. He was fond of Hitler, considered him a wizard. Dir you guys know mickey mouse was created out of Jung’s mythological interpretation of Hitler? Don’t quote me, but Jung did say Hitler was a man whose clothes were too big for him. A man who carried the whole of Germany on his back. Don’t you guys think it is fascinating one man could move so many, but I think I read somewhere he lacked military leadership.
World War II took place only sixty years ago, yet it alreaty feels like ancient history, but the swastika lives on, in tattoos, and in your hearts. I am talking about this at random. Movies like Max Payne, how those who experience a cruel death go to heaven, and those who die in their sleep go to hell.
Movies like Valkery (I spelled it wrong) Wagner, the spirit of marching foward, no looking back. Like the terminator, the despondent music, like something terrible is going to happen, but it must happen. Which reminds me, Americans love uniforms and flags, badges, ironed clothes. Yeah, I’m rambling.
Yes, I have to be honest, I get a good feeling inside when I see soldiers lined up ready for battle. I do, and I know I shouldn’t. I get a great feeling inside everytime a song I really like comes up, even if by now I have heard that song a hundred times. I think it’s interesting how one song is lame to one and inspiring to another.
Well written Dan…
Good advice…I never do not have a lot of friends and many friendships I had went sour…I do not consider myelf any good at making friends and staying friends. Most people drop the friend status when there is no longer value they can tap from you.
I needed to read this.
awesome!
in my experience, a good friend is harder to come by than a good boyfriend lol.. thanks for the post.
I would add not to keep friends on the shelf – you have to make time for them and not just think they will be there waitting for you
@Roadlesstaken - Alex don’t confuse personal issues with the radical move to delete someone from FB. You are a business person and never burn a bridge like FB. Contacts can be re-established and personal grievances later can seem petty later. However you should consider to have compartmentalization where some folks should not be privy to too much.
The term friends is pretty vague. And the cultural element enters into the equation.
@DivaJyoti - Interesting bit of news. #6, on further thought, is sometimes not the case. Usually when friends turn “bad”, it’s a two-way street.
Mornin Glorie….to quote my two year old grandson ” GREAT JOB” and to quote myself ” beware of needy friends”
“If you have to hide things about yourself, they are not your friend.” I’m struggling with that one because I’m not sure I believe it’s entirely true. Sometimes you hide things to protect people, because you care about them. Sometimes its for the best, and there’s just some things people should never know about you.
Great advice on friendship, Dan! For me, true friends are like my extended family.
Great post! I’m kind of afraid I might be one of those people you talk about in your 7th point though. I try to build close friendships, but I’m starting to think I’m just not capable of it. After over a year of being at a new college, I still don’t have a single person I’d even consider calling up to hang out, besides my boyfriend. Some of us aren’t exactly loners by choice. :/
I didn’t know I was older than you.
Very nice (: (: (:
I always choose the worst friends but I still love them. Dunno if they love me though. >.<
wonderful wisdom
as someone who always seems to pick the wrong “friends,” this list is much easier said and done… however, it is very true.
I like that picture. The words are so profound that I’m surprised I never heard that thought before.
I have the most trouble with #2. I have a lot of trouble trusting new people, and it takes me a loooong time to trust a friend. Sometimes I start to really trust them just at the point they lose patience with me and give up and go away. I don’t have a lot of friends, but when I make a friend, I make sure they’re a good friend. Unfortunately, it is also very painful when they leave me.
This is pretty good advice. Thanks for sharing.
I think I’ve seen this before, but it’s all good advice.
Words to live by. Well done.
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Good points. I’m also glad I’ve already got such kind of friends. Very few, of course, but they are the best.
I’m not really sure if I’m a good friend for them though.
Thanks for sharing.
I think it depends on what you want, enjoy, ‘n need. Sad, happy, sad and happy, off the wall crazy, kinda content, always with someone, indifferent… ? Which is it gonna be! Everyone’s different really, right?
I mean, this stuff is what you like. I don’t enjoy some of it. Our worlds are always changing, and I’m not gonna flick away friends because they’re sadistic or seem to not wanna be close. One day they might, and as long as we have fun now, then why should it matter if we ever are. Plus, I like the distance better. It feels nice!
Not a bad top ten!