January 31, 2012
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The Difficulty With Making Friends
I must admit that I sort of just pick my friends. I am sure my friends feel like they pick me. But I feel even more that I pick my friends.
I try to avoid people who are constantly dealing with conflict of their own making. I want my friends to be loyal. I want to believe my friends will be friends for life.
So I start slowly. I just talk with them. I go back and forth and just talk over a period of time. I trust them slowly. I shared things slowly. I watch how they treat their other friends. I am convinced that if a person can’t be loyal to their other friends, he/she will never be loyal to me.
So full friendship with me takes time. Sometimes it takes years. I refuse to make friendships because I am feeling needy. That would cause someone potentially bad to pick me. So I wait.
I must admit that one of the biggest disappointments for me personally, is if I pick the wrong friend.’
Do you pick friends or do they tend to pick you?
Comments (79)
It depends on the situation. Sometimes I pick them, other times they pick me.
They tend to pick me. I’m far too picky.
I tend to pick them.
I am the same way, very slow to trust and to make friends. I think most often other people choose me and make the first advances, but I will back off from people if I don’t trust them or think they will be a good friend. I also do not become friends with someone just to have a friend.
I should be picking them, but they tend to pick me.
I picked you, Dan!!!
I pick my friends’ nose.
My friends have always picked me because I’m very non talkative.
I have trouble making friends because I’ve never really had a lot of friends. I’m a nice person though so I can become peoples friends or vice versa easily!
I tend to let them pick me. I don’t go chasing people that much and I allow them to show me they want a friendship. I tend to be wary of the people in my life because I’ve been betrayed by many.
It seems we just fall into each other. I am friendly with almost everyone. So to become my close friend takes time and it is mutual.
friendship is kind of a big deal to me so i tend to be very picky about my friends.
I guess they tend to pick me.
I pick my friends deliberately in real life since people don’t approach me on their own. But online, it’s more of an even mix.
It takes me years of friendship to trust that a person wont walk out in an instant and that they accept me
I’ve never really thought about it. I would have assumed that we just mutually gravitate toward each other, but now I’m not so sure.
My best friendships just seem to happen. They don’t involve a lot of thinking or planning or work of any kind really; they just happen
I have little idea how it works. Seems like I do better when I don’t try. My deliberate attempts at friendship usually fail — perhaps because I aim too high.
They pick me, and I try my best to accept them no matter what. If someone has the strength to see good in me, even when I guard myself from the world, the least I can do is muster the strength to see and bring out their best, too.
I tend to stay away from people who seem way too weird at first. But I don’t like being picked so I try to pick my own friends.
Yes. Some friends are so because they have never given up on reaching out to me. Others are because I refuse to give up on them. A few are from mutual effort. On rare occasion there are some where neither puts forth any real effort but the friendship remains very much intact… although that is quite rare.
@xdeelynnx - Ditto.
Ithinkwe picked each other since we have the same intersts and some of the same troubles in life….birds of a feather flock together.
i think it goes both ways
Like Molasses, it takes time for me. Many people come and go, friends stay in for the long haul.
I tend to not have the energy to have friends outside of work or online anymore. I tried it before and was just disappointed. I was always the one who came over to visit or the one that called or set up the meeting for lunch and ended up driving, picking up and deciding where to go. I did too much in the name of friendship. I treated people they way I wanted to be treated, but it was never reciprocated. It was taken advantage of, so I stopped. Boo-hiss to irl friends.
Right now my only true friend is my wife,and it will stay that way probably.
I’ve never really thought about it. I can be quite picky with who my friends are. However, at the same time if someone seems to be a good & decent person I’m happy to get to know them.
It seems that IRL I make the effort & go a small step but I’m never met in the middle. My neighbor, for example, says we’re welcome over any time. I told her the same goes for her. That I can be kind of shy (though that is easily gotten past once the ice has broken) so I hope that if she’s serious about becoming friends she’ll come knock on my door first. Hasn’t happened yet – with either neighbor. (Which, in retrospect is fine because both neighbors on either side of me seemed to hit it off great & quickly. Yep, now the one neighbor gossips about the other one whenever we do end up talking (usually when we’re both outside at the same time). So I KNOW I don’t want to be friends with the gossipy neighbor.
Okay, anyway. Online… I’m not as shy & I’m not as guarded. I figure if someone hurts me online it’s easy enough to avoid them. IRL I’m more careful but I do enjoy socializing so sometimes I feel I open up too quickly.
Never thought about it. Usually, with me, people begin with a clean slate, and then they get moved to friend category by their actions. I tend to not be the one to pursue it though, unless something about them stands out to me. But I am usually very cautious, and people consider me friend long before I consider them one.
I cling to the first thing that acts like it cares, human or not.
I would say the initial meeting(s) of potential friends is half me picking and half people picking me. Here recently, however, I’ve found myself being more selective about the people I develop close friendships with. I actually made the decision to not be friends with someone because of how negatively she spoke of her other ‘friends’ around me and because she was extremely intolerant of people who were different from her.
I just need to do a better job of picking people I can either a) be casually friendly with or b) actually trust as a friend. I like to have lots of the former and very few of the latter.
Do not be so picky so to avoid disappointments.
we pick each other. it’s a joint effort
Almost always, they pick me.
I think there is a little of both with me. Generally, people who pick me, tend to annoy me at first and then eventually grow on me. People I pick… it takes forever for me to even be able to talk to them. I’m usually intimidated by the people I find interesting.
I pick my own mostly. I just don’t like being hurt or caught up in things that will negatively impact me. I tend to really pay attention to how they treat others before I’m willing to trust someone.
I don’t think it’s really so linear.
They pick me and I try to get away from them! They never leave me alone!!!! I only have 3 people that I consider my friends that I picked… My Husband, My cousin and My Best Friend Kate who I hardly see. Every one else I try to avoid but they always try to befriend me and get close….
I don’t trust anyone anymore. No one is trustworthy really, that I have met anyhow. (Other then these few people I have mentioned.)
It’s both ways for me. If they pick me and i sense a positive attribute in them then I pick them as well, and vice versa.
‘I must admit that one of the biggest disappointments for me personally, is if I pick the wrong friend.’
This is, indeed, troublesome and a huge let down. My former friend is now in a relationship with my ex-husband. That, in and of itself, is not really the problem as my ex and I have bee apart for years. The issue is that I confided in her over the years as to every nasty, hurtful thing he ever did in our relationship. I feel betrayed on a level that I can barely articulate. it sucks.
To answer: It really depends. Usually people gravitate toward me and not the other way around but that is not set in stone.
@TigersLovePepper - You talked so much about him to your friend, it planted the seeds for her to admire him, and they are now together, and you are partly to blame.
@RulerofMasons - Nice that you figured that all out.
Friendship is a two way street so they have to choose you back. With me I guess I don’t have any problem with people wanting to be my friend. I just have so many demands on my time that I turn down invitations about half the time. People who are overly sensitive to being turned down don’t handle that well. Just this morning I ignored 3 invites (one to a big birthday bash, one to a super bowl party, and one to a luncheon) in my email because I hate committing to too many social things and then stressing over fitting them in between obligations. So I stall in RSVPing. Honestly I don’t know how some of my friends find the time to socialize as much as they do. It’s like their lives are constantly spent going from one social even to the next. They have families too. How do they do that and not feel stressed out? I guess the difference is that most of them don’t work and never have. Also maybe they don’t need as much quiet or down time as I do. I guess my need for (or enjoyment of) friend interactions could be less than theirs as well.
@ItsWhatEyeKnow - I guess it was an obvious deduction. As for you, mrs blondie, you don’t socialize as much because you are afraid you will find a man better than your husband. The women who socialize more are more confident of their loyalty to their husbands.
@RulerofMasons - LOL! You have no idea what you are talking about. If she chooses to admire an abusive wife-beater, that has zero to do with me and everything to do with her lack of self-esteem and people judging skills. The only blame I take is the blame for not seeing her as the fake, opportunistic, gold-digger that she is. Thanks for your opinion though.
@TigersLovePepper - It hurts, doesn’t it? To know she has better sex with him, to know he respects her more, to know they talk behind your back even now, to know you were the one to bring them together, and when they get stressed out, they say nasty things about you, as a way to alleviate the stress. It hurts, doesn’t it?
@RulerofMasons - LMAO. Oh, sweetheart…you are trolling up the wrong tree here. Have a blessed day.
I don’t know if I pick them or if they pick me, but I seem to make friends with those who kind of are left hanging around.
I’m not really sure. Friendship just happens and sometimes I’m surprised by who I end up with!
My friends pick me. I assume no one likes me. When I find out they do, I’m surprised and happy (depending on who they are).
No wonder you stab your friends in the back for drama and traffic. Like me.
Goodbye, ex-friend.
No wonder you stab your friends in the back for drama and traffic. Like me.
Goodbye, ex-friend.
YOu’ve just said what’s on my mind!
I feel that in the end we do choose our friends.choose who we talk to, what to say to them, and how we feel about them.
I want loyal friends…, I only keep loyal and trustworthy people in my life.(to prevent bigger disappointment and drama)
Friendship to me is very important, and I too hate when I pick the wrong friend.
friends? what friends?
I think you have a really good approach to friendship. however I don’t think everyone can have that approach because it wouldn’t work…
Both ways, but I tend to drop most of them when our interests diverge. Not all, of course. Some aren’t capable of the sort of change that would cause me to be able to do that. Most are. So, sometimes I am “picked”, but ultimately that is always your own choice. Most of the people I “pick” reject me, because they’re the same way. Doesn’t bother me. I only grab at people I can gain something from, if only knowledge, and the same can be said for those who grab at me.
I pick them and then I am suck at keeping them. I get excited and then bored. I only really connect with a few.
LOL I’ve had the same friends since I was 5 so I guess I’m picky…I like my friends
I hope that we are friends.
I don’t know. It’s hard for me to make friends. It’s easier for me to make friends who are associated to people that I already know. Take college for instance. I go to school twice a week, ever since 1/9. There’s only been one week I had 1 class…but anyway, last night was the first time I really talked to a class mate. In large groups where I don’t know anyone I keep to myself. I’m an introvert extrovert, because once I know someone I’m VERY outgoing, loud, obnoxious, and I don’t shut up. Imagine that, lol.
I’m similiar. people have to prove themselves. I think my friends think they pick me, because I am shy and often someone else has to make the first step. If someone calls me “a close friend” too soon (before they even know me) or make promises (“I’m always there for you”..there is no “always”, stupid!) very quickly, I find that quite creepy. I mean some people are VERY quick. Should I pity them for their apparent lonelines, or are hey just fake bitches? ugh.
I’m drawn to people who are or have been a little caught up…I tend to think the others are more naive.
I like everybody. If you’re a nice guy, good personality, and can carry on conversations, you’re my friend. BUT, if you’re rude to me, immature, and come between me and a girl, we’re never speaking again. Especially if I talk to you about it as a friend trying to help you and you still act the way you do.
Weird, I keep the same friends for approximately 4 or 5 years. Either we get tired of each other, or they graduate and move away.
I agree full-heartedly with your statement about not looking for friends when you’re feeling needy. Personally I’ve done some of that in the past but it wasn’t until I saw how many toxic friendships I had that I learned to be alone, making myself a better person, and in turn, attracting more good-hearted people. I think usually I pick them, but some I’ve been lucky enough to just mutually “click” with.
I pick and am very picky.
I pick my friends. I have a tendency to be overly friendly with everyone. So they automatically assume theyre my friend because I was so kind to them. Truth is, it takes a special person to be my friend. I have anti social moments where I talk to no one outside of work and home. It’s not intentional but sometimes I want to not be bothered. I need those people who won’t take it personal. Who don’t hang on me all the time. Who have other friends. That don’t mind that I am a bit insane and who love me no matter what. I have a few true friends. But my best friend Lauren is like my sister. We can go a month without talking and pick up as if no time has passed.
Hmm…I’m not really sure. I have a core group of 4 or so friends that I’ve known since i could first start walking, best friends. We all grew up together and went to the same church together. I’ve gathered a few new friends here and there…and If I really sit down to think about it, I feel like they’ve picked me. I’m not a “Hey, let’s go out and do something” conversation starter. I’m a “Hey, if you’re free and want to hang out, then let me know”…so they can “pick”. good question.
)
Mine pick me. But it’s hard for any picking to occur, on either side, because I kind of wall myself up…takes a long time for me to warm up to people.
I never consciously set out to make a friend. It seems to happen naturally during the course of human events.
I never have a drive to try- I’m so introverted. So I need extroverted buggers most of the time- they try- and I take it from there. I have only one true friend to count on (: <3
I’m friends with everyone and don’t really care about things like values much. We only have a little time in this world so I just try to have fun while we’re together.
Some peeps are really mean, but they’re kinda cool to hang with. A few of my highschool friends used to take beatings from their fathers and were really violent, cruel, and deceitful, but I still liked them. You don’t really need things like trust and loyalty in a friendship. I mean.. just find things you can enjoy together! The rest is kinda just background distractions!
I have to agree with @Obiesaseru - I have a few friends (whom started out online and grew to be long-distance IRL friends) that are true friends. But most of the people that I work with and meet locally just aren’t interested in putting forth effort beyond the occasional FB status comment. I got sick of being the only one to try to get everyone to go out and doing things for others when they could barely manage a ‘thank you’.
um, i think it’s mutual? i never thought about it. how about it’s fate?
I guess I let most people pick me, since I’m not one to initiate unnecessary social contact (in real life, not online), ever.
On Xanga, I friend request people whom I find interesting for various reasons, or whose posts speak to me in some way, and then make sure they know I am open to being closer friends if they are interested.
I don’t think I pick or am picked. It’s just something that happens naturally over time. I don’t analyze all of my relationships when they first start.
You’re talking about real life, here, not Xanga?
I have never given it much thought. I suppose it’s mutual? Most of my friends are friends that I have had for years and years…some since kindergarten, 45 years ago. When making new friends, they are usually people that run in the same circles as I do…church, music, etc. I don’t tend to “hang out” with friends too much, since most all of my friends are married and I am not, and I am very picky with who I trust….so it takes me awhile to truly open up to new people. I have found, as someone above said, that trusting the wrong people can really lead to betrayal and heartache and backstabbing. I am not a gossip and I abhor people who do, so I tend to be cautious. Loyalty and honesty is very important to me. So is silliness and fun!
i do the same. it take my time. perhaps, way too long for some. i’m careful that way. but as much as i’d like to choose my friends, sometimes THEY choose me before i had the chance to evaluate them. guess the choosing goes both ways and you just have to go with the flow.
@RulerofMasons - It’s all a matter of fidelity!
@ItsWhatEyeKnow - Mashed Potatoes.
They tend to pick me, because I’m withdrawn. I’m happiest by myself. Yet we need friends.
The problem with making friends is that you actually have to BE a friend in return. I’m no good at it. the friends that have stuck with me, are those that I have grown up with and now live far away from me. Those in the closest proximity to me choose not to be around me.
They pick me, although I would rather pick them.