April 10, 2013
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Letting Your Child Win
The other day I was playing connect the dots with my 9 year old.
I did not play easy on her. I figured she would learn if I played my best against her.I coached chess competitively for a few years. I would not let up on my boys when they were 4 and 5 years old. One of my boys ranked nationally in his age group. One of my sons won a state championship at a very early age.When I play basketball against my sons, I try to win.Should a parent go easy on their child while playing a game?
Comments (34)
Yes and no. You should play a step or half step above their level, allowing them to beat you occasionally by remaining on the level slightly above them while they improve their skills. If you play too far above their level, a competitive child who hates to lose and is rewarded with accomplishment won’t try to play.
I taught chess, too. That’s cool.
Meh. At least you are involved.
How does one play connect-the-dots competitively?
I think it depends on the game and the age. I sometimes let my daughter win and when she was younger we called it “kid rules”
Just until they learn the rules. And probably for a little while after that so they can get the hang of it. But once they know the game, it would make sense to go less and less easy on them.
@BoulderChristina - I totally agree with this. Pretty sure there is scientific evidence in support of this, as well.
Unless oreos are on the line…play to have fun and spend time with them.
I don’t have kids so I’ll defer to you on that one.
I did this with my siblings and younger cousins. I try to give them a few wins here and there and then play them for real. When they got really good, I told them the times where I let them win and when I stopped and treated them equally and how far they’ve gone. Letting them win gives them confidence. It’s like in videogames where they have an easy, medium and hard difficulty.
I learned it from my older cousin when he taught me Chinese poker and checkers. That’s how I taught my siblings to bike
She’s NINE now? Oh my god time flies, I remember when she was a pre-schooler!
I think they need a balance of winning and losing. Allowing just one or the other doesn’t teach them much
It’s ok to let them win some when really young to keep from discouraging them.Thing is,when you don’t LET them win and they finally bet you for real,they will NEVER let you forget it!
My dad taught me to play cards by playing with all the cards showing until I understood the strategy, then it was no mercy. Playing cards with my dad provided some of my best memories of him.
No need to let them win, but don’t crush them. If you’re not allowed to win, it’s not really a game any more, is it? Be encouraging. Offer tips.
Bf says that he prefers a teaching game that plays to their skill level it is neither going hard on them or easy. The point isn’t to win it is to teach them how to play skillfully.
hell no!
No way! They don’t go easy on me while playing Call of Duty!
No. Just no need to have an ego trip over it, which some parents do.
Yes, of course you should go easy. Play at the level appropriate for them. If you play tennis against a six-year-old, for example, there is nothing to be gained by aceing him on every point. He won’t develop, and he won’t enjoy.
If it was my dad, I’d like it to be a collaborative effort instead of competing against him. If it is any of my siblings, I would want it to be an all out war – friendly competitve war that is
I think your involvement is the most important thing. But if you continually beat them, they may just get frustrated and never want to play again. I think you have to give an even balance. Let them win at first, then slowly make it more fun and let them barely win, then, all out war. lol You know what I mean.
Still, the most important aspect you can have in your child’s life is involvement. Be there for them.
Kudos to you Dan, if this story is in fact about you.
beat the hell out her.
lol I think my dad used to let me win every other time and that taught me to let others win and not just me.
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I say never give a snot nosed kid an even break!
I think it’s okay to go easy on kids – you don’t want to spike a volleyball in a toddler’s face, for example. Getting totally ‘stomped’ every time you play something can be very discouraging and some people are more likely to give up when that happens. That does NOT mean you let them win. Dad never let us win, so when I did win against him, I knew I’d actually beaten him, and it meant something to me. It was an actual accomplishment. It was something I’d earned rather than something someone handed me.
No. I’m going to train my kids to be boxers.
Just playing is being a winner. We have become far too competitve as a society. Saying somebody won because they got a higher score or checkmated the king does nothing but promote hurt feelings and poor self esteem.
no. they need to learn that competition is healthy and that losing is healthy. nothing wrong with not always winning. stop coddling because real life will not be so coddling. kids are such pussies these days.
interesting…idk, i dont have kids yet…but i don’t think i would let them win.
I was just playing chess with my 11 year old daughter the other day. I didn’t let her win. I think letting the kid win gives them the wrong idea about their abilities, hinders critical thinking, and usually makes them sore losers.I should add that though I don’t let my kids win, I’ll tell them exaxtly why I’m sacrificing a knight to take their queen.
@llamalima - I was wondering that myself…
It’s no fun / worthless for the kids if you *let* them win. I know this because I never wanted my dad to let me win whenever we played anything.
I believe that you should play a step above them while teaching them and as they get the hang of it go harder. You also have to know the temperament of the child. You don’t want to discourage the child who is very sensitive and always seems to complain about never winning with his/her peers. You also want to challenge the more competitive child. My children always liked connect the dots, they will even start a game while we are listening at church and now I don’t have to go easy!!!!!!
To properly teach a child a game, whatever game it may be: (1) The rules should be read and explained to the child. (2) The child should then be allowed to play the game, along with mild, non-hostile explanations of mistakes made (if any). Very young (ages 5 to 10) children should be allowed to win, if!! their egos are fragile, but explantion and analysis with the child may be enough to assuage the child from depressive feelings of loss, depending on their true understanding and maturity. My opinion, anyway…. Peace
I deeply and direly appreciate how my Dad taught me chess. Like Spock with Charlie-X he would say, “That was a bad move.”
And unlike Charlie who was stubborn, I didn’t say, “No it isn’t.” I asked, “Why ?”
And Dad would sit down and explain to me why my move was a bad one. Dad would either let me win because I earned it, I would win on my own – rare, or he would explain to me when I was making moves that were leading to losing a game.
Later after I fully understood the game we would play many games without this training wheel – he played in earnest, and he won a few after that, and I won several more.
I think this is the best possible way for any parent to teach a child a game – and only when I lost playing against someone else did Dad’s words come back to me so I would learn from why I lost and congratulate my opponent on a well-played match – in either case. [Image]