November 30, 2007
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Christmas Tree
I received the following message from lilsoccerchika:
“For those of you who don’t know, my dad’s funeral was held the first day of my sophmore year of college. We’ve made it through one major holiday
, but I think Christmas is going to be the hardest. I’m having a hard time on an issue. Dad, Rebecca, and I use to put up the tree together. The three of us would put the fake branches into the fake trunk and fan them out. Dad and I would untangle all the lights and take care of those, then normally Rebecca would decorate with me putting on ornaments here and there. Then generally, dad would lift either Rebecca or me to put the angel on top. Mom, at this time, would normally be in the kitchen cooking or somewhere else around the house taking care of things. She didn’t normally help, but she enjoyed it all the same.
I’m willing to put up the tree, there have been people ((who we all trust and are okay with helping with things)) to help put up the tree, but every time it is mentioned– mom starts to cry. Just as well, I’m sure we’ll all be crying by the time the whole ordeal is done if we are to do it.
I dont know if I should go ahead and put up the tree, do it all myself or with Rebecca and just let her cry it all out and deal with it– continue with the tradition. Or just let things be, continue decorating the dorm and not put up the tree.
I don’t want to put my mom in a situation where she’s completely uncomfortable and she doesn’t want to deal with something like that at the house at all, but I also wonder if maybe she realizes that Rebecca and I can do it for ourselves– everything is going to be okay.
I guess the best way to handle it is to just sit my mom down and talk to her about how she feels about it, but I don’t really like making my mom cry and I dont think I’ll get an answer from her.
any suggestions? put up the tree or just wait till next year?”
Should she put up the tree or just wait until next year?
Comments (74)
Put the tree up and remember the good about your dad… it could be very helpful in healing…:)
Sure, put it up.
And crying it out can be cleansing… just went through it myself 2 weeks ago!
She should put up the tree, with her sister. And also ask if her mom would like to help. Even though she might not have normally helped, it might be something that would provide comfort to be a part of.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve; all involved should simply do what they need to do to grieve and heal, and respect the needs and wishes of others.
well, somehow I think that if a tree ISN’T put up people will notice, and she might be left by an innocent enough comment to explain WHY one isn’t up.
but if it’s that uncomfortable for her to have, then just don’t have it.
And if come sometime CLOSER to Christmas she changes her mind. . .it’s easy enough to remedy. Since it’s a fake tree she already has it, right?
We don’t even put up our Christmas tree till a few days before Christmas–late as Christmas eve (though granted we’ve kept it an entire year–taken one down Christmas Eve and put one up a few hours later–and we’re talking about a REAL TREE here–and so the tree we took down was all BROWN and I’m sure a big fire hazard)
So I say, if it’s so uncomfortable to have the tree up, just wait to worry about it till later.
You don’t HAVE to be doing it now (not sure exactly when you’re planning on doing it–this may just be major thinking ahead on your part)
I think her father wants her go back to her normal life. Put up the tree!
I agree with oneangelwaiting. It probably wouldn’t do any good to pretend the tree doesn’t exist- and it might help to continue a tradition, to feel like her dad is still there in some way. It’s going to be difficut no matter what- but dealing with it now might make it better in the long run.
She should talk to her mom and then, hopefully, put up the tree, laughing and crying the whole time. This will be a sad, sad time, but one of love and memories as well.
I think their dad would want them to continue putting up the tree like they have done every year. I am sure he’d want them to continue every tradition they shared together. And maybe they could even start a new tradition and get a smaller 4 ft. tree or something and decorate that one as well in memory of their dad.
Whatever you need to do that’s best for your family. If it was me though, I would
not
put up the tree this year as a symbol of respect. I wouldn’t want to deal with those emotions around a tough holiday time anyway. And it sounds like it would upset your mother too much.
I’m with KymmandDan.
P.S. I have no idea why my sentence split in the middle where I chose to underline. Has that ever happened to anyone else?
That’s a terrible situation. Were I in the situation, I would continue to move on, and use it as a time to reminisce on old memories, and remember the good times – and not focus on the fact that he’s gone. Here’s a drink to your father, I’m sure he was a great one.
-David
There is no right answer to this.
Do what you feel is right. I would try to move on, though.
Put up the tree
Tough call.
If your mother is not comfortable with it at all (which is what it looks like), the tree can wait until next year.
Put the tree up and remember the joy you had with your father. You may cry, you may not.
Put it up, keep up the tradtions, even if you don’t “feel” like it. It helps, really it does.
The first time will always be the hardest, so get it over with. I lost my dad this year, too. We put a special ornament on the tree in his memory.
Put up the tree. Avoidance is rarely helpful in the long run.
How about a compromise and putting up a Charlie Brown tree?
I think she should hang the tree.
i would do the tree. your strength in this might help your mother along. but i would limit who is there until mom is feeling better. oh i feel for your mother.
this reminds me of a movie i watched with my mother, as a child, “the house without a Christmas tree”. well, i found that movie at blockbuster.com and decided to rent it. it is the same situation you are in, but the loved one who is deceased, is the mother.
take care
She should talk to her mother first, see how she feels about the situation. If she doesn’t feel comfortable talking to her mother about the tree yet, she probably shouldn’t put it up this year.
Me personally, I would put up the tree and cry the entire time doing it; at the same time knowing I am carrying on a family tradition.
But, each person grieves uniquely and so maybe an open honest discussion about where each person is in the grieving process will also help, moreso now during the holiday season.
I hope the best for this family and all those who are grieving with a loss.
Oh! I feel so bad! I thought losing a fiance was bad…but a husband!!!!! Wow! I think she should talk to her mom about the situation. Definately. I think they should put the tree up, too. Their dad would probably want that and it’s going to hurt whether the tree is up or not.
My mom commanded that I put my tree up this year. I wasn’t going to because of the not-anymore-fiance, but I did, and I’m glad even though the holidays really hurt without him.
It must be hard to lose a parent. I think that, in time, these traditions will be the ones that really matter as a way to keep/honor the family journey.
Maybe you could go through old photos- the big Kodak packets that they used to give the pictures back in- and find ones of happy or funny moments of your family together and paste those on tagboard to use as ornaments. I don’t know, just be there for her.
Right after my brother passed away I felt like the world should stop, everything should have stopped just to mark his death. But unfortunately that doesn’t happen, and come Christmas I fought with myself about putting up our Christmas decorations. It was his absolute favorite holiday, there wasn’t a single day the whole year that meant more to him than Christmas.
So I have celebrated four Christmases without him now and each year I sing a little louder and bake more cookies (those were his favorites too) just so that I can remember how much he loved Christmas.
All of that being said, no one can tell her what is right for her and her family. They have to sit down and make that decision on their own, my heart goes out to them though because it is a tough one.
Put up the tree. I’m sure she will remember past Christmases in doing so and that should be a good thing. Tears will be shed anyway…no matter what she decides to do.
Each person grieves differently. I think they should do what they want to do. Whoever wants to put up the tree should do so. If some don’t want to participate, that is ok, but there should not be expectations laid on each other. Grieve and allow the memory of your father bring you joy as you go through the Christmas season.
For believers in Christ, we don’t grieve as others might grieve, knowing that we will see our loved-one again. Having lost my dad in June of this year, it has done me a world of good to know that he is no longer in pain and that I’ll see him again when we both are in Heaven.
Blessings to your family, lilsoccerchika.
Do it in honor or memories of him when yall putting up the tree in traditional way.. It will make yall feel like he is with yall in spirit.
i’d say put it up. good luck to them!
Making mom cry is never good. I’d suggest waiting until next year for a tree. Christmas will be just as magical without one.
Talk to your mom first and see how she feels. She may not be ready to deal with it yet, and if she can’t, since you are away at college, it is really going to be in her face every day.
what happened is sad, but it doesn’t mean you should miss out on putting up the tree. bad things happen in life sometimes, but sometimes you just have to accept them and try to move on. as hard as it may seem, you can start a new tradition: putting up the tree with your sister. it will also remind you of your dad, which isn’t a bad thing; you can remember the memories you had together and hold on to that particular part of the past.
put up the tree, but find some way to make a new traditions
Just sit everyone down and agree that you will honor your dad by carrying on this holiday tradition. Let everyone cry it out and every time someone wants to bust a tear they have to say one happy memory of the dad. That way it will add joy to the somber time.
Don’t dishonor him by letting this thing become a huge come-apart in the family – I’m sure that’s the last thing he would want.
Put the tree up! You can both continue the tradition to honor your father, or you can involve your mother if she would like to join in, and therefore start a new tradition. While it will likely be difficult, it will be an important part of healing.
I think that you should put the tree up. If you put it off til next year it may just make it worse. I think you should face the problem now and go for it. Remember the good times, im sure ur dad would want you to continue with the tradition. keep the tradition alive and you’ll keep your dads memory alive.
<3
I would talk to your mother regarding the tree, but point out that this is what your dad would have wanted that she get on with life. Also, I would mention that it is okay to be sad and there is absolutely no shame at all in tears and grieving. Crying is very therapeutic.
Talk to Mom first. Go from there.
Does this person really care what we think? She needs to answer this question herself. What do we look like, psychologists?
use it as a remembrance of him– hes still alive in spirit as you guys set up the tree together. also, this experience might help everyone move on a bit more in life
Put it up, it’d be hard at the time but I think in the end it will be a really good healing process.
I force myself to do things that would normally make me sad that way I can kind of create a new memory with it. By tying another memory to that certain occasion or whatever it kind of takes away the hurt.
I’m not sure that makes sense, but hopefully.
BLYK!!!!
Rocks.
put it up…. i think that its always hardest the first time. and not having the tree will be as big a reminder as putting it up, but im sure there are tons of good memories to help you along.
I’d put it up.
ask her mom. she may want to skip Christmas this year. don’t be surprised if she does. there is nothing wrong with that. go back to normal next year if it’s too much for her this year. moms make tremendous sacrifices to make sure things go on as “normal” when something bad happens. this may be the one time the kids need to do it.
put it up. i didnt lose a father, but i lost a brother, and for me, it helps to just keep going, remembering the good stuff. yeah, it makes you cry, but its ok, because it helps with the healing. just because he isnt there doesnt mean you’ll forget about him
Good question. I don’t know. Maybe they could put the tree up (undecorated)while the mother isn’t there, and take it down if she objects.
I had a friend who lost a baby around the holidays. Newborn. It was devastating. She wanted to canceled Christmas that year. She instead put up a tree and decorated it all it blue in memory of her baby … and in honor of the real reason of Christmas .. Christ .. who gives us HOPE and PEACE during these troubling times of our lives.
It was beautiful and very healing.
If I had passed away and my kids and I had a tradition we did together all the time, I would want them to continue it simply because of the good memories they could relive. If it was something they trully enjoyed doing with their dad, they can imagine their dad is their with them still but they are decorating the tree for his pleasure.He’s prolly watching down on them and hoping they will continue. But eveyone is different. Very tough thing to deal with reguardless of how they do it.
Tree. Up.
First off, I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. It is so hard to lose someone you love so much. I suggest being really sensitive with your mom. I would explain gently that you’d like to put up the tree and explain that is would be healing for you and your siblings. Then be sensitive to whether she’d like to be included. Hugs to you.
I agree with everyone who says to put it up… maybe he’d want her to put it up.
Perhaps it’s time for a new tree, and the establishment of new traditions that don’t neccesarily remind your mother of the past. Maybe you can get her a real tree this year, or a pre-lit one, or a small tabletop tree that she can manage herself. You are a good person for even thinking about what to do.
Put up the tree! It will probably be hard, but then wouldn’t Christmas without a tree and your Dad be even harder?
My mom’s father died a few days before Thanksgiving many years ago. Her and her siblings were all young. There was no question that there’d be a tree. I think it helps you get through the sadness of missing someone during the holiday.
She should probably talk it over with her mom, but I think they ought to put it up.
Death is part of life. No one lives forever. I understand it’s hard and sad, but the only way she’ll ever stop crying is if you carry on. If you don’t put the tree up this year, will it be any easier to put it up next year? or the year after?
I think you should put the tree up in his memory, devote and dedicate it to him. Make this year special in his absence. The only way her pain will heal is to accept this is life, and to carry on living. And I’m sure that’s what her husband would have wanted her to do. He wouldn’t have wanted her to be crying and give up Christmas and forsake what he did for so many years because he’s not here. I would want the tradition to carry on. Maybe she’s not ready to help this year, but I can only foresee negative with skipping.
The first Christmas without my grandpa was hard for all my aunts and uncles, and my grandma. My grandpa absolutely loved the tree they had- which they’d had for as long as I could remember. They put it up anyway, and in a way it was a good memorial to him since he couldn’t be there with us.
I highly suggest putting it up- it’ll probably make you feel more empty not doing so.
But definitely talk to your mom first. And if she absolutely objects, then try to figure out something else to do relating to your tree that’ll make you feel satisfied.
put up the tree and light a candle for your dad
Put it up. It will hurt. Bad. If you skip it this year, it will be even harder to put it up in future years.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Sorry to hear that. I think the tree is really just a symbol of the pain that her mom doesn’t want to face yet. It might be good to push her a tad to work through it. A very delicate situation at best.
God bless ‘em
my grandparents who were like my parents died three days apart last december – the holidays are so painful but we’re celebrating in their honor.
just my opinion, but I would tell her what you wrote here, and then ask her.
My condolences.
I think the tree should go up.
Ou up the tree. Honor the father in continuing this tradition, in his honor. My guess is it’s what he would have wanted. You can make it a tribute to him by telling stories about him from christmasses past, etc. It will be hard, and many kleenex boxes will be gone through, but it will also probably help everyone heal a little bit.
Put the tree up. Life goes on. Her dad wouldn’t want Christmas to stop just because he’s not there.
I’m a dad. I know. I would want my kids to keep going, to still have a Christmas.
I think you should find a tender way of discussing it with the rest of your family and decide together how you wish to continue traditions.
It’s hard- grief in general and then even worse around the holidays, but it will get easier with time. I lost my sister at a young age and her bday as well as my mom’s are Christmas Day so of course that made things really tough. You’ll get through. There will be tears, tenderness, bittersweet moments, but you’ll get through and you’ll heal with time.
Have the best holiday you can.
Yes, talk first. We do an advent wreath; this Sunday is first sunday. Somehow, having a tradition that is holy leading UP to the big event helps a lot. Perhaps it could for you. A NEW tradition. Yes, you could think of NOT even having one. I remember some years we had a Christmas wreath etc….. But as one said, you would get questions which could lead to more confrontation. Talk is best. Prayers.
BTW Joyeaux Noel is an interesing Christmas video; about WWI soldiers on Opp. sides who laid down arms for Christmas and celebrated together. True. Happened many places. Prayers for it to happen again – permanently!
If I was in that situation…I would put up the tree with my sister and reminisce with my mom over tree decorations. I would do it to grieve and remember my dad. Because I would know that my dad wouldn’t want us to stop our lives and stop tradition.
Of course, I’m not close to my dad…I’m only close to two members of my whole family…
I’ve never had a major loss in my life, and I can’t imagine going through something like that. My best wishes go out to you and your family, lolsoccerchika. Whatever happens, enjoy your Christmas.
it’s not the same thing by any means, but we lost my Grandpa this year… and we were all a very close family… my grandma has just been putting up the decorations as normal… then we all have a good cry… but it’s all in memory of him.
Go for it!