November 25, 2008
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Married People Flirting on The Internet
When I think of Internet flirting, I don’t think of two people offering to shack up some place.
I think more in terms of people exchanging compliments about each other’s appearance. I think the reality is that people tend to express compliments on the Internet a little more freely than they do in real life.
For example, I am happy with the way I look. But I will admit that no one has ever told me I was hot in real life. (Maybe my wife during sex but that is another story).
But I never get that from a woman in real life. The attractive woman from shipping has never said, “I’d hit it” when talking to me.
People are more expressive on the Internet. We are more likely to vent our feelings. But lets face it, we are more likely to express our thoughts on what a person looks like. It may not come in the expressions like “You are hot” or “I’d hit it” but may come in the more mild compliment on a person’s looks such at their eyes or their hair.
But this is a fuzzy line when it comes to the combination of the Internet, marriage and flirting.
With the expressive nature of the Internet, do you think a certain amount of flirting even by married people is expected or even tolerated?
Comments (86)
i think it depends on the person. some people are naturally flirty. others are looking for attention. you have to know yourself as well as the person you are with. the problem is, sometimes flirting is taken too far….
i hate to say yes but i’m going to
it depends on the intentions
Technically I don’t think it’s considered flirting.
You just say things more straightforward or joke a lot, knowing that these words won’t lead to anything.
I think as long as a married person is not signing up for a social networking site with the intention of flirting, then it’s fine.
i think that we do that because on the internet we aren’t afraid of rejection. if you’re talking to somone on the internet that you think is hot, and they say ‘ewww get lost you freak!’ then you can always go out and find someone else on the internet that thinks you’re hot.
Being married, and happily, lol, I just try to keep things in check and remember not to say anything or let the men talk to me out of the way in that if my husband were to read it, he would really frown on it, lol. I have had to tell them when they were crossing the line, but most take it well and just back off,
A bit just for fun is no bad thing.
I think I express the same amount of compliments offline and online.
I think we need to be careful about it….actually it shouldn’t be done, but we do it anyway. In fact, you raise a good point Dan, I think I need to stop acting that way, thanks for pointing it out!
Take care Dan
it depends…
i just try to avoid it at all costs, wouldn’t want my husband to think I’d rather “flirt” online than with him.
I think it’s wrong if you are married. If my spouse read flirty responses from me to others it could be hurtful. I wouldn’t do it.
lol I just realized there’s something wrong with the pic.
i think its ok to a point.
I think it’s cheating. Anything you wouldn’t do in front of your spouse is probably something you wouldn’t do in front of them for a reason. The reason being it’s probably wrong given the confines of your relationship
I think it is unacceptable which pretty much explains why I am still single til this day.
i agree, you should not really flirt with one but your partner, its still hurtful even when its just on the Internet.
I do it all the time, my wife thinks it’s great. She does it too. What’s the big deal? And if the person is close enough to meet…well, then it get’s more interesting.
@striemmy - But what if you do do it in front of your spouse? We are both flirts, though I am worse than her.
I’ve never intentionally flirted on the internet. I’ve given sincere compliments and I’ve teased; I suppose those things could be taken as flirting. I really have no problem with my husband complimenting a woman’s eyes or smile or gently teasing her – in the real world or on the internet – but married people flirting with others will probably lead to trouble at some point.
Which brings me to your last post… Really, Dan, only people who think they’re hot are going to put themselves in the position of having their ego stroked or their delusions shattered by a total stranger. I really wanted to say that last night, but as an old married woman with a body that long ago outgrew both ego and delusions of hotness, I ran and hid rather than commenting.
@bosefius - hence my last line. if you have defined your relationship to include it then of course it isn’t wrong. keep havin fun =)
Of course there’s always the chance that whoever you’re talking to is actually not what they say they are and are not really a nice girl but in fact a crazy person seeking someone to help them in a financial way get back to their Mothership by buying lots of titanium for their spaceship. Then things get awkward…
@striemmy - Ah, good point. I missed the meaning completely. I think I need a nap, I apologize
It depends…
But playing with fire, you’re bound to get burned…
I think the real issue is people insecurities, cuz if a wife get nervous if her man look at a woman on the street she’ll go mad if he’s having a nice convo on the web with another lady, same for guys.
No. Actually, I think flirting should be kept to a minimum even on the internet. It might be taken seriously. But I’m boring, I guess.
There’s a difference between compliments and “I’d hit that.” Blah, I’d rather nobody said that about me, it doesn’t sound like a compliment at all.
I see nothing wrong with it to a point.
It’s never acceptable, in my view, for married persons to flirt. This is why I don’t trust the internet, or toys like webcams etc. Too much opportunity for untoward behavior.
I’ve flirted with people online and off and so has hubby, but neither situation has ever gotten out of hand or went too far. We’ve been married 14 years and we definitely know where our boundaries are. But it’s not something that I’d recommend doing all the time or on a daily basis. People tend to get attached too easily and they take it where it doesn’t need to go. Plus online sometimes it’s hard to read people and how they’re actually saying these words. And like Luvlystarr said, if you play with fire, you’re bound to get burned.
Once we’ve established that I’m crazy about my wife and I’m never going to ever ever do anything to jeopordize that, a little mild flirting is absolutely fine.
Although, I think there is a great big difference between, ”You’re hot” and “I’d hit that”. Those are two entirely different messages. One is “God made you into a beautiful or attractive person” and the other, clearly wronger, message is “I’d have sex with you if the situation was right”.
I’m an old overweight balding nerd. The other day I was wearing a new sweater my wife bought for me and this 20 something little chippy at work said, “Wow! You look great today!”. That’ll boost my self esteem about a 2 or 3 years I guess. I try to do the same thing. When someone looks nice, I try to tell them in a non-threatening, non-sexual way. Same on the internet.
There are definitely boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed …
If the spouse if secretly flirting, opening up secret email accounts, then the intention isn’t just to flirt. If it was, they wouldn’t hide it, because mild flirting is harless. Problem is, most people hide it, that makes it lying, and that makes it wrong. JMHO
People can make their own lives online completely separate from actual reality. Especially in some role-playing games.
But you must have trust, especially if your partner is a natural flirt. He may not mean anything by it, it may just be how he relates to people of the opposite sex.
And flirting in my opinion, can be completely innocent, just for the fun of it. (and that’s okay with me) But if there is intent behind it, on either end, it should be stopped, especially if one party is married.
Flirting is flirting whether it be on the Internet or in person.
I have flirted online, but I’ve stopped since I met someone. Why bother flirting with girls I’ll likely never meet when I can talk face to face with one in person?
Expected and tolerated are entirely different from right or even liked. Yes, it’s expected and tolerated. Whether it’s right is entirely subjective…just like whether or not you like it is a matter of opinion. Married people flirt offline too, should we talk about that next?
Nothing wrong with flirting but dont know that I would use the words i’d hit it online or in real life. lol
I flirt a lot in general. I think in my experience, it is a lot more free on the internet, because its not like you actually have to say it to their face. It definitely is harder to say straight up to someone, for some odd reason.
I only flirt when my eyes are open. My hubs is aware. He kinda does the same. It just means we’re approachable. I guess when it crosses the line of inappropriate, then that’s another story.
I don’t think anyone who cares about his / her marriage should tolerate it. Not that you have to be a jerk to other people. Be friendly, but cautious. If you wouldn’t say it with your spouse around, you shouldn’t say it when she / he isn’t. I don’t think the line between marriage and flirting with others on the internet is fuzzy. It might just be your glasses. : )
I don’t mind his flirting but that’s probably because I trust HIM.
Yeah, I mean, for the most part you’re not going to find a motel halfway between the two people flirting and actually do something to harm the marriage.
@ClockworkBunny - I agree with you. If you flirt with someone even on the internet without intensions of ever doing anything about it, people could get hurt.
@striemmy - I agree with you as well. If you wouldn’t do something in front of your spouse/partner, why do it at all.
i’d say, that if you knew your significant other was against it then it wouldn’t be ok. i often have to censor myself because i am a lot more willing to flirt with someone on the internet.
@YourOuterCritic - I totally agree!
It happens, and I guess it depends on the people if it’s tolorated…
hmm, well I’m a flirt, hubby knows it. It’s all in fun and as long as lines aren’t crossed (according to individual & couples’ preferences) then its all good.
“I’d hit it” just sounds so silly to me…
@saintvi - I completely agree with your answer to this question. It was put more eloquently than I could put it, so I am just dittoing you.
As for the part about the “hot or not” post: I wait for a profile picture that isn’t the actual person to pop up, then I comment the picture. LoL. I have found most people compliment Audrey, so I am sure she smiles from Heaven when someone declares my picture hot. LoL.
Innocent flirting is actually a healthy thing. It keeps your libido active and helps keep your mind sharp.
Plus I know a number of people that could stand to be told that they’re really pretty more often than they are now. If I make their day just a little bit brighter, then I feel good about that.
I do not intend to flirt but I like to have fun and I am not shy on here or in person.Someone called me flirty and I about had a fit.
@AliasUndercover - You are great everyday! <3
I flirt all the time with cute babies…..but thats different……
Only if you want to be attacked by some weirdo who thinks flirting is nothing more than sex about to happen.
Sorry.
Sensitive subject. I once mentioned to an Internet acquaintence that I was flirting with an old high school friend, but because I’m Christian, it was assumed that’s a SIN. GAsp. he told me I still looked as good as I did in high school, I called him Sweetie, Internet friend freaked out. Started acting all “You’ve betrayed me” and junk. Keep in mind, my HUSBAND would answer the phone when old frind called and would tell me “Hey hon, “Sweetie” is on the phone.”
I guess it’s all a matter of perspective. I flirt with EVERYONE. It’s in my nature. My husband flirts with everyone. it’s in HIS nature. We’ve never been unfaithful to each otehr in 13 years of a solid relationship. I’d never be unfaithful to my husband. He’s the world to me. But flirt with someone on line? Oh honey, you know I would.
I am unfortunately a big flirt, in or out of relationship. But I am just a flirt and I love to pick on people. My fiance is a flirt time to time, as well. I believe that flirting is safe as long as the loved one gets plenty of attention and love.
Otherwise, jealousity will hit the relationship hard. I was married and I flirt with everybody, both sexes. It is for fun. But if it taken too far or becomes too physical then that’s when I would draw a line. It is BAD.
People love to get attention and to be hit on. [Well, not EVERYBODY..] but .. flirting is fun!!
if people cross that line, they choose too.. in some ways because its virtual they might think its right… but I think when this stuff happens, its not caused by the internet.. its caused by people ignoring their relationships, allowing them go stale.. and are just in denial aabout the situation.
Anyone who starts a relationship online, is just too afraid to be alone and they are hugely insecure.
But compliments are different… people don’t see the physical side … more often it is communications through the brains and typing.. so beauty displays itself in a different way virtually.
Good post Dan
Owen
Quite honestly, I’m pretty flirty in person, so this doesn’t really apply to me. However, people are often more expressive online. Is it expected or encouraged? Hmm, not sure but it is more frequent.
It all depends. Its fine to state your opinion and say that such and such person is good looking, but it’s another thing to say that you want to take a pleasent shower with them.
It’s best to make sure your spouse is okay with it though, it has to be mutually agreed.
Interesting topic Dan.
I think flirting when in a committed relationship is just a no-no all around. And those “married but looking” type things really bother me. @_@
I think so, but a lot of people take it too far and claim it’s all innocent
I think it’s more ok for single people online to flirt than marry people. What’s the point of giving mix signal that you like someone online if you are not available? I hate poser. Such a tease.
I wouldn’t tolerate it.
“The fuck were you thinking! Don’t you say you’d hit it unless it’s gonna be a Menage a trois!”
It depends.
I don’t think anything of that should be tolerated.
If your with someone then you should be faithful online and off.
i think that if you want to flirt via the internet, DO YOU HOMIE!!!!
now, can you do a post about PDA vs. IDA (internet displays of affection?) not sure if i got enough knowledge on this to write about it since i’m totally against PDA
Wait a second… is that picture of YOU?
:/
If it is, you look good.
sure. flirting is ok. tasteful flirting. there has to be definite boundaries that you do not cross. nothing overtly sexual or inappropriate.
I find nothing wrong with complimenting someone else’s appearance.
<3
I’ve always thought you were sexy. I wouldn’t tell you in real life though. Shhh, don’t tell my wife.
for real, i plead the 5th
i agree with you
eh i think a little bit is alright
why don’t you post a picture of yourself?!?! i have a strong need to visualize who is writing all of these interesting blogs even though looks have nothing to do with anything!
no it’s not. your partner should make u feel beautiful enough to not need reassurance from flirting with strangers. thats not to say that they can’t make a brief comment though. i say ‘id tap that’ alll the time
i gues sit depends onthe married person. i am not into flirting, but commenting on peoples interests or rebutting a comment. i talkt o men and women the same way and people often misinterpret it as flirting, becasue of my former job as a survey chick. interacting wioth people i learned how to give the body language that i was approachable for my job and applied it in everyday life. it is easy to misread people onthe internet as well. i have told men in person that theyre hot though, and goosed a butt or twenty in my day
perhaps people are more attractive over the interent since nobody knows anythign beyond what you intend for them to read.
totally digging the picture you added to the article.
Yes, we are more generous at complimenting on the inernet, but that doesn’t account to flirting.
Is this photo endorsing kitchen utensils, webcams, or ugly gray T shirts?
The internet is less personal and therefore less threatening, so I’m sure it’s more tolerated by most reasonably secure people. But there are also a lot of insecure (and unreasonable) people out there who are tortured by these relatively meaningless encounters.
So a better question might be: Is it always wrong? Is it always OK? Is it only wrong of there’s an insecure/unreaonable person involved?
I’m huge on intentions. If your intent is nothing more than making the other person feel good and special, maybe cheer them up, then by all means.
Being a friendly, fun, person is most times construed as being flirty, so no, there is nothing wrong with being flirty…nothing wrong with a married person saying..THAT is a hott looking guy, because it’s not like when you get married you completely stop noticing that other people are attractive…but flirting with the intention of trying to take it further is entirely different and shouldn’t be done…otherwise I don’t see a problem with it…I am what is considered a flirty person on and off line, that is one of the things that attracted my hubby to me…but there is no *intent* to it and my husband trusts me 100%, as he should…
It may be by some… but not me.
Ummm definitely not flirting. Not cool. You commited to be faithful to that person… not just in real life, but online as well.
On some sites, it is expected. But I, personally, have no expectations by being flirted with by married people. It is tolerated though, because well, everyone likes to be complimented.
Hell, it surprised me whenever you’ve told me that I was pretty and have beautiful eyes (not your exact words, but it is 4:45am, so excuse me) and you’re married.
Should I stop you from complimenting? No. Because you aren’t flirting.
Thank you so much for the compliments, by the way. Sometimes it does, indeed, make my day. =]
I’m not sure whether it’s expected or tolerated…some people confuse a compliment with flirting. But I do think that brazenly “flirting” via the internet is very similar, if not the same thing, just a different flavor, to people who post confrontational, negative comments on a bulletin board…things they would NEVER say to someone’s face.
I’ve been married for a lonnnnnng time and don’t, as a rule, flirt via the internet (or anywhere for that matter)…my wife thinks it’s flirting if I give someone a compliment or joke around with the waitress at a restaurant…hey, it’s just me being me and trying to mitigate some of the hum-drummery (is that even a word??) of day to day living. “:O)
@striemmy - I think it’s cheating. Anything you wouldn’t
do in front of your spouse is probably something you wouldn’t do in
front of them for a reason. The reason being it’s probably wrong given
the confines of your relationship.
I completely agree with you.
I’m gonna tell you right now….if I caught my boyfriend flirting with
someone else on the internet, I’d freaking be pissed as shit. And vice
versus. It would hurt me, and if I did it, it would hurt him. So there
is no way in hell it’s acceptable.
Married, or not if you’re in a relationship, it’s cheating.
Defintely NOT cheating. Seems like everyone’s a little flirty online. I chat on IMVU, a 3D chat messenger in which you create an avatar that interacts with other chatters’ avatars in 3D virtual environments- some are even clubs with stripper poles and stuff. My bf doesn’t care what I do online, as long as I’m not actually arranging to meet up with some guy for a date- I think he thinks it’s hot that I’m the official “club dancer” at a small club on IMVU. Our rule of thumb is “You can look, but don’t touch.” Of course, I suppose that some people have so little self control that they shouldn’t even look, but we have more self-restraint than that.
I think flirting online (for married or just for those in relationships) is wrong and dangerous! Some people can call it harmless, but if your spouse happened to read that conversation, would you worry that it would hurt or shock them? That’s something to always think about. I always consider that if I’m just so happening to be talking to someone online. But really, these days I hardly chat with anyone! Except for the occasional comment on myspace or Xanga (usually from family or girl – friends), I don’t really chat with the opposite sex. In real life, of course, but I never flirt like that. I think it’s disrespectful to your partner.