April 10, 2007
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The Other Woman
I was just reading an article from a woman who was cheating with a married man.
It was interesting to read her thoughts about the downside of cheating with a married person. For some reason I thought the downside of cheating would be obvious. As I read her article, I noticed her first point was that cheating is about sex. Here is the link: Link
Several people have commented before that cheating isn’t about sex. The woman in the article contends it is all about sex.
Is cheating about sex?
Comments (149)
maybe sometimes
I think it is. As quoted by my last mother in law “Katie wouldn’t give Rob what he wanted, so he had to find someone who would”
Not last mother in law. I meant ALMOST mother in law!!!
I think that entirely depends on the people involved. For some, it is entirely about sex. For others, it’s about unmet emotional needs. Cheating is too complicated an act to pigeon hole into one motive.
Not entirely. But it has plenty to do with it What a rotten person she must be to do something like that. Who cares what it’s “about”. The point is she did it and she helped destroy or seriously injure a marriage.
Most of the time, other issues sometimes.
I wouldn’t know.
That’s what gets you in trouble in the first place. Not that I’d know. I’m guessing that…it’s … yeah.
Nope.
sex and emotions. thats about it
it’s more than just sex
Yep. Alot of the time it starts that way but eventually progresses.
No.
not solely, but primarily.
Basically, that is it. Cheating is wrong, no matter what the reason.
its one of those things that’s situational. There could be other reasons someone cheats.
Well.. after reading… she’s right to a degree. It isn’t about love either.
It had NOTHING to do with sex when I cheated.
I have never cheated, and I can’t speak for someone else.
cheating is about selfishness…followed closely by injury causing extreme pain requiring a long hospitalization for my spouse if i found out! hahaha
ps…can we be sarcastic on wednesdays?
well that depends.
i think that there are two types of cheating.
emotional and physical.
emotional cheating is where they person needs someone to listen to. or talk to because they don’t feel they can get that with their significant other. the latter is of course. all about sex.
it depends on the person.
it depends on the situation, but yes, it is.
I wouldn’t know…I have never cheated and I am not planning on doing either. I would guess that sex would play a major part…but for women sex is so emotionally driven that I would have to think that the main reason would be to fill some unmet emotional need…and sex was that avenue…but again I can’t speak from personal experience.
I think its in your mind. You can be married and still be physically attracted to another person who isn’t your spouse.
How does the song go? “We ain’t nothing but mammals”?
Is a married man who pleasures himself to pornography cheating? Each person has their own definition. But to me, cheating is sex, anal, oral, vaginal, and all the other types that i can’t think of right now.
Cheating is about betrayal. It’s about making decisions and choices that have nothing to do with your partner, that would ultimately hurt them. It’s about choosing to be with someone/something else. It doesn’t have to be about sex. It could be about bowling, workaholics, friendship and time spent with friends. When you sacrifice time with your loved one to do something that could damage your relationship, it’s cheating. Sex in and of itself it not cheating. It’s just the symptom that something else is wrong.
you would think right
If it’s not about sex (even in part), then why is sex a part of it?
Not entirely….. I think generally the cheater usually isn’t having their emotional needs met, & the person they are cheating with fills that need, which then leads to sex.
It can be emotional and attention based as well.
It’s about the thrill
just to clarify: the article said that affairs were about sex… not cheating per se.
I’ve never cheated, but was with a girl who did cheat on her boyfriend.
She said it was about revenge.
I believe it is. If it were more than just sex and was based on love, you would leave the person you were with out of respect for them and your new love. Cheating, bottom line, is a selfish way for many people to fill in what they feel they are otherwise missing but it’s destructive to all involved in the long run.
Cheating is about cowardice and selfishness.
Cowardice because they are afraid to deal with whatever problems might be in their current relationship/marriage. The person is also afraid to leave the person they’re cheating on to be with the person that they’re cheating with. Finally, they’re afraid to be honest and deal with the consequences, they’d rather lie and just hope that it never comes to light.
Selfishness because the person doesn’t care about who they’re hurting. Their main concern is their own pleasure, which leads to a disregard to any other commitment they might have. It is also selfish, because generally the person who cheats thinks that they deserve whatever they have. They think they should be able to cheat and still have the faithful partner in their relationship.
The most arrogant thing that someone that cheats can do is expect that the person they’re cheating on will want to be friends with them after they find out. Talk about having your cake and eating it too.
If you think cheating is about anything else, then you need to go back and read your previous post: naive…
Now, sex is a pretty big deal — it’s more than just the physical act…
Sex would fall into the “selfishness” part of my claim
I don’t know, but I was just cheated on recently by my husband- he was cheating with another married woman.
Also, for that woman in the article not to think about the consequences was idiotic. “True Love” is an imaginary thing that people cling to in order to justify the stupid, abusive, and destructive things that they put up with. If the woman in the article lived even somewhat in reality, she would realize that there are a LOT of people out there, and she could very well find “the man of her dreams” who was not married. What a dope. She wanted sympathy, but it’s hard to be sympathetic toward the colossally stupid.
depends on the person.
I don’t see what else you could get out of a relationship like that.
Cheating is about the meeting of certain emotional needs (one of which often is sex) outside the boundaries of a “default” committed relationship.
Interesting article about something that isn’t talked about all too often, but it generalizes a bit too much – like the “it’s all about sex” part. There’s a definite need for that sort of thing considering how many people do get involved with married people.
you can cheat emotionally too.. but usually cheating seems to involve sex.
Daniel (doubledb)
it’s both physical and MENtal (emphasis on MEN)
I’ve known people who have cheated. From what they tell me and what I’ve gleaned from that is that they are trying to get something they don’t get at home but it ultimately ends up being about sex because that’s all either party has time to cultivate.
I’ve never done it before, but I think yes, cheating is about sex.
not entirely, but sure sex is one of the biggest issues, other than buying gifts for one another and emotional needs
I would just like to leave a comment about your code of conduct….
first, i think that trying to make a code of conduct for your site is a great thing….however….you don’t even have a photo of yourself…why are we required to have one? Second, be republican?? i dont think you’re going to be able to make sure everyone leaving a comment is republican…i’m a republican, however I no longer give my support to president bush….thats my choice, for various reasons. and last…be a christian? i for one am a christian…but you have asked a lot of religous type questions in the past…its always going to be one sided if you are just accepting the answers of religous questions….
Depends on what the person is seeking from the other man/woman.
If they are unhappy with their sex life, they will seek somebody to fill that gap.
If they feel emotionally insecure, they may seek somebody to make them feel better about that. (Of course, sex can help one feel better in that department, I suppose…)
Reasons for cheating can spread various areas of life. To the people who contend that it isn’t cheating if there is no sex… you are sorely mistaken. I fully believe somebody can have an emotional affair as well.
LightningRichy-”You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals, so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.”-Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang. I’m pretty sure I could sing the whole song for you if you wanted me to.
Obviously. At least it mostly is. I guess there are some people that are just really affection-deprived in the most basic ways.
Not always. That old rap about “s/he doesn’t understand me” holds true. There can be emotional issues, support issues. There are a lot of reasons someone will cheat than just sex.
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Cheating is about winning
It depends on the person..
It is mainly about sex There may be other things which the person thinks they are not “getting at home” but mainly it is sex
These questions are just so ignorant. Xanga should shut you down.
Its about the exileration and rush you get from doing something you know your not supposed to do, and trying to get away with it. Oh, and lust I suppose.
From what I understand about cheating, it’s about selfishness more than anything. Sex and “love” come into the scene only once the betrothed individual has put his or her needs above that of his or her spouse. That was an interesting read, however, from the “other woman’s” perspective. I hadn’t really thought about how dedicated to the affair she has to be in order to be available for those few, rushed, sexual encounters. She tries to make one feel guilty by saying she had to choose whom she told about the affiar because her friends didn’t understand or didn’t approve of it. Of course they don’t approve of it, because it’s WRONG! Have you ever heard marriage vows? They’re not just things you say; they’re a promise, almost a creed, which must be kept to further the relationship. Having an affair is not conducive to a lasting, harmonious relationship.
WOW!
on your civility post. that took http://www.extra-mile.com/balls/graphics/AN-mg-4000-pc-TWO.jpg
I am sure it all depends on the person and their situation.
Yes. It’s the mortal sin of adultry, punishable by damnation in hell- if not confessed before death. It is based on the first deadly sin- that of lust.
Depends on what’s lacking in the relationship. If your partner sucks in the sack, it could be all about sex. If they’re great in bed, but are disconnected emotionally, then the cheating may be for romance.
“From what I understand about cheating, it’s about selfishness more than anything.”
Posted 4/10/2007 10:33 AM by This_Is_Important
Wanting your partner to remain faithful to you when you’re not what they want is selfishness also.
There’s no such thing as selflessness.
Only if the person was not happy with their sex life. Got to know the reason for the cheating
It may be–depending on the cheater’s agenda. For some, it may be sex; for another, it may be thrills; for other, it may be emotional fulfillment for those who could not get those from the marriage they are in. In other words–it depends.
Yohsiph – Your comment of “Wanting your partner to remain faithful to you when you’re not what they want is selfishness also”…ignores the fact that the person who is cheating has not TOLD the person being cheated on. I don’t think that someone would want their partner to stay with them if their partner didn’t want them. However, they do want honesty from their partner, and, in the context of a relationship, I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Obviously. What are the majority of people doing in affairs? Having sex.
But Cheating isn’t about sex, it’s about that other ‘s’ word people don’t like to look in the face…..
selfishness.
Cheating is initially because something is missing in the relationship in the first place. It is not really deep-down about sex on part of the cheater, and not usually about only sex on part of the “other man/woman” but usually dissolves into a strictly sexual relationship
i think it would depend on WHY the person was cheating in the first place. If it was just for physical gratification, well then it would be about sex. If it was for emotional support, then the sex would just be an added bonus.
*HUGS*
Mostly, yes. If it wasn’t the married partner would leave their spouse and begin anew with their lover. The unmarried participant may believe it is about love, but generally for the married participant it is about sex.
It can also be about loneliness, anger, boredom and a number of other issues, but most of the time it is about sex.
It is probably a case by case thing. Can we really make generalizations?
Apparently someone thinks cheating is about global warming.
I think it’s more about exercising the freedom to have sex with whoever you want regardless of what rules there are. Because really, there is nothing keeping me from cheating on a significant other except me.
FYI – I don’t cheat.
I don’t know if it’s always about sex, but I’ve never cheated or been the other person so I might not be in a position to say.
At first I Was thinking no, but when reading the article I realized there seems to be not much leeway for anything else. . .
God, what are you people retarded or something?
EVERYTHING IS ABOUT SEX
Yes, a lot of the time, but not only can cheating be about sex, it can be about an emotional need. It’s also about a lack of self-esteem, self-control, respect for your husband/wife/whatever or for the sanctity of others’ relationships (or all of the above). No emotionally healthy person really wants to be with someone who is already married, and no one who truly respects his or her marriage and partner would cheat on him or her. If you don’t like your marriage, you have only two moral options: try to make it work, or get the heck out (this is obviously the best choice when said relationship is harmful/abusive in any way).
Sorry, I just have no sympathy for her or anyone else who breaks his/her marriage vows or interferes with someone else’s.
not always. girls usually cheat with their hearts and guys their dicks.
Maybe. Its mostly about being selfish, and not thinking about the other person first (the definition of love)
No, it’s about sin
nah…other factors too. people just lose interest. lack of communication, boredness, and…and…BAD SEX!!!
I think that cheaters have different motivations behind their actions. I dont think its always about sex, but Im sure in some cases it is- for both men and women
i agree with her article..
Perhaps in her case it is all about sex, but it’s another one of those statements that can’t be true for everyone.
I wouldn’t know.
I will fully admit nearly all of my relationships have ended because of my cheating. While I was so sure that it was only about sex (because it sure as hell wasnt that I wanted to be in a realtionship with … well, anyone really), I see now that it was such a huge issue spread throughout everything that i am, it was impossible to call it just sex, or just emotional neediness. I have to move every 6 months, I refuse to hold a job longer than one year, and I color my hair differently every month. I hate commitment in every sense of the word. I think that if you have the desire to follow through with cheating… its never just sex, or just looking for something your partner isnt offering. It only has to do with the cheater.
Cheating can be a lot of things. Cheating can be because of emotional reasons (the person feeling abandoned/unloved by the partner), physical reasons (lack of sex in the relationship, feelings of physical ugliness), or other reasons.
I think its primarily about the sex, but the sex is about filling an emptiness in one’s life.
No – it’s about low self worth
“From what I understand about cheating, it’s about selfishness more than anything.”
Posted 4/10/2007 10:33 AM by This_Is_Important
Wanting your partner to remain faithful to you when you’re not what they want is selfishness also.
There’s no such thing as selflessness.
I disagree with that. You can want your partner to remain faithful to you for any number of reasons. That doesn’t make you selfish. Committing an act that directly betrays the person whom you’ve vowed to spend the rest of your life betrothed to in holy matrimony [that means no cheating silly guy!] is selfish. A lot of people are confused on the thought of marriage being 50/50. It’s not even close to that. Even most Christians think it’s 95/5 give/take. It’s not even that! It’s 100/0. If you are 100% faithful and devoted to your spouse and no one else and you put their needs even higher above your own you have captured the essence of marriage. I will admit that I am still struggling to achieve such an attitude however I know that is the standard. The fact that you think there is no such thing as selflessness either means you are too happy being selfish or you have been hurt too many times by someone who has been selfish with you. Either way I’m sorry that you have that outlook but I hope you can see some light at the end of the tunnel and gain a little hope.
Affairs may not be all about sex, but it seems like most end up that way. As the writer said, there comes to be no time or opportunity for anything else. You certainly won’t go grocery shopping or to school open houses together.
Affairs are hurtful all around. Of course no one grows up to think she’ll ever debase herself and hurt – really, all women – by dating a married man. And don’t waste your judgement on someone ’til you’ve walked a few decades in her shoes, especially you young folks. “I Never” is a game for kids.
First and foremost, cheating is wrong. Cheating can be sexual or it can be other thing; emotional and such. From a girl’s perspective, cheating could be an attempt to feel more love or get more attention and affection. It may, in fact, have nothing to do with sex.
Think about typical lust; guys watch hot, sexy porn and think, “wow! I want my woman to be like her” while girls watch the sappy, emotional soap-opera guys and think, “wow! I want my man to be more like him.” We lust for different reasons, therefore, we cheat for different reasons.
Either way, cheating is selfish. Cheating is stupid. Cheating is WRONG!
Mostly, yeah.
“Yohsiph – Your comment of “Wanting your partner to remain faithful to you when you’re not what they want is selfishness also”…ignores the fact that the person who is cheating has not TOLD the person being cheated on. I don’t think that someone would want their partner to stay with them if their partner didn’t want them. However, they do want honesty from their partner, and, in the context of a relationship, I don’t think that’s too much to ask.”
Posted 4/10/2007 10:46 AM by MacPro
Sure, in all fairness, it’s not too much to ask.
But that doesn’t debunk the statement you quoted from me.
I tell you what I tell everyone: Cheating is about something missing in the relationship. That may be emotional intimacy, attention, sex, friendship, stability, spontaneity, or any of a number of things.
So cheating is all about whatever it is that’s missing, which for this woman is sex.
Not all the time.
It may include sex, but it’s the result of something much more psychological. Everyone has sexual urges but it takes something stronger than that, I think, to push you past the social “wrong” of it into action.
Yohsiph – No, I suppose it doesn’t debunk what you said. But, if you want to extend the logic, anything that we want is selfish. To want to have a closer relationship with God would be selfish. To want a happy family and healthy children is selfish.
What it comes down to is that I just don’t think that the situation you brought up is all that common to someone who actually knows that their significant other doesn’t want them anymore. What I was pointing out was that most people who are with a cheating significant other, don’t know that the person is cheating on them. You can’t be selfish by “wanting your partner to be faithful when you aren’t what they want” when they haven’t yet INFORMED you that you aren’t what they want. People aren’t mind-readers, and it’s a little harsh to blame the victim. The person who cheats, rather than cheating, should just end the unsatisfying relationship they’re in and then move on to something new.
Also, staying with someone who you know doesn’t want you is destructive to you as a person, so how could it be self-serving at the same time?
It is probably more about getting what you feel the need of most. For the majority, I would say, it is NOT sex, it is self-esteem: someone cares.
For some people it’s about getting sex. For others, it’s about developing a bond with someone who fulfills some neglected emotional need, that evolves into a sexual relationship. People cheat for all sorts of different reasons. It’s impossible to generalize.
well i do in some ways…because most of the *dates* would revolve around sex, especially since you can’t really been seen together in public…but i think they usually start out over an emotional need that one should be turnign to a spouse for, but finds somewhere else and that it eventually does turn into just sex…
Depends on the person really. For me it would be just as hard to discover that my husband had emotionally given himself to someone else as well as physical. I don’t think it’s about sex so much as about replacing what you don’t have in your current relationship. Which is why sex should never be the basis of any relationship.. thus married 19 years on Monday
I do it to hurt the other person as much as possible. Sex is just a means to do that.
hi there i know u dont know me, but i wondered whether u would mind reading my first blog and giving me ur opinion whether i was treated harshly? love ur profile! take care. x
I mean, for some people. I guess it depends on the situation, you know?
u can cheat w.o sex
Of course it differs from situation to situation, but if I had to generalize, I’d say that yes, it is for the sex. ‘Though, I did have one boyfriend who cheated on me for the security of another relationship. He ended up living with her after I found out and I ended our relationship. And then he found out she wasn’t that nice of a person (she ended up stalking ME!) and continues to call me some five years later…such is life.
i’ll take a gander and say that its because the married person feels they “arent getting any” and the single person is feeling lonely xP
Is there anyone over the age of 40 here?
I don’t think cheating is even about cheating. There are probably as many reasons for people to step away from their partners ~ whether for sex or romance or sex, etc.. I think what it comes down to is a being stuck and trying to find a way to get unstuck-ed
. It’s unfortunate that hearts are broken and feelings are hurt, but I don’t think it’s the sex act that causes the pain; rather, it’s the lying that hurts and in my experience, people only lie when they feel unsafe to tell the truth.
And ok, I will say it aloud: Sometimes the act of finding yourself in the midst of an affair with another person who moves you body and soul is like spiritual CPR and worth every moment of later penance.
Yes, I think it was about sex for my X husband, he screwed everything in sight while we were married and then never fessed up to it… I was ” the Bad” one for leaving…
For me too in the beginning of fooling around behind the spouses back it was for Sex…
………………..But then I fell in love……..
It doesn’t have to be about sex at all.
And that girl in the picture looks EXACTLY like my good friend Jennifer in Virginia, but that isn’t her husband!
not always
I’m sure in many cases it is. But there can be cases where it’s not, someone can just realize they’re in love with someone else.
Not that it’s a good thing.
It depends on the person that is doing the cheating. Sometimes it’s about sex. Sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it could go either way.
There’s more but, basically cheating involves sex with someone else.
I’m guessing sometimes yeah and sometimes no. Different people probably cheat for different reasons.
I would agree that it isnt about love.. I dont agree its about sex. Its about fullfilling a need that is missing elsewhere. I think its mostly about ego. Some woman/man pays the right kind of attention to them. They stroke their ego in a way the wife/hub doesnt.
i don’t know…but i would think so.
cheating is about selfishness
for the most part, yes. it’s the “newness” of it. but once shit hits the fan and it’s time to pay out for the kids, a lot of the fun dies and it’s a rude awakening.
I don’t know personally. I’ve never cheated on anyone.
I have been cheated on, though. And from what they told me, it was about both sex and their emotional state.
Cheating cannot be justified ever. No matter what reason it was done for, it is always wrong. Innocent people get deeply hurt, and that’s never right.
Ahem, I don’t think so, and that’s all I can say!
Aww, the poor Other Woman…
And it’s all the horrible wife’s fault, because her disapproval of true love forces them to skulk around as if they’re the ones doing something wrong!
Suck it up, bitches. If you want commitment and emotional fulfillment, maybe you should start by selecting a boyfriend who isn’t already in a relationship.
cheating is a power trip. that’s all. someone thinks they have enough justification to hurt the person they’re in a relationship and they think they’re studly enough to get laid by other people. In both senses it’s all about having power and control over other people and the easiest way for a lot of people to act that out is through sex. So it’s about sex, but not the physical aspect, just the mental aspect. Like how sex makes you feel, but not sensually.
I think cheating has the same type of reasons for sex in general… for women it’s an emotional thing, for men it’s purely to have sex… but could that just be me that thinks that?
my reason was cowardice as mac pro described. and also revenge as other had mentioned. i went back to my now ex, although he was abusive, who in turned cheated on me for a second time with a 17yr old mother. talk about fucked up self-esteems issues.
anyone ever seen vicious circle by dane cook? so true.
cheating is always about sex – its very possible to have an affair with a married man that doesn’t get to the point of sex. an emotional affair can me more damaging to both parties than a physical affair that did just revolve around sex.
No, anyone with a degree in Marriage and Family will tell you that cheating does not necessarily have to have anything to do with sex.
cheating can be about sex but I know to me cheating is more about the emotional attachments etc. that come with the sex. I believe you can cheat on someone without having sex. But maybe that’s just me?
My ex had his excuses for cheating on me, (I was too jealous, he didn’t want his friends to think he was henpecked) but for whatever reasons, he’s been cheating on his new wife for as long as they’ve been married, and even wanted me to be “the other woman” for him.
Geeze………
Yes, sex is the driving force but relationships change, individuals change and attraction to someone outside your relationship is at some point inevitable…’cheating’ becomes such messy territory because life doesn’t teach us how to let go when something has run its course. It takes guts to look deep inside yourself, ask what you want and act on what you find. We aren’t bound by chains to anyone and ultimately ones own happiness will affect the happiness of everyone else close to you.
I never cheated. I actually assumed that I could cheat and did things to be sure it would not happen. I don’t think I am better than any other man. Better men than me have cheated. During all my career, I never closed the door of my office if a woman was in it. I never went to any meal alone with a woman. I always had the drapes and curtains open. If I was attracted to someone in the office, I avoided them like the plague.
frank
Did she know he was married? And she did it anyway? I don’t care if it was about sex or not – THEY ALL B*TCHES! They just want to hurt people, that’s all.
If it’s sex, at least it’s understandable. But if it’s emotional, it shows they have no friends. At least, if it comes down to “Having someone to talk to”
anyone ever seen vicious circle by dane cook? so true.
Posted 4/11/2007 2:41 AM by WhatizthisMadness
That’s my favorite skit by him! “Yeah yeah, they had to take out the roads. Just go back to sleep.”
I agree with pb49r - For me in the begining it was for self -esteem too- But also knowing that i could have sex more than once in one night clinched it !
mostly, yes….sex and control
i was in a relationship for 3 years with a married man…..
interesting blog.
i think cheating could be about sex… i know that some friends of mine have cheated on their significant other because the guy they cheated with, gave them attention that they lacked from their boyfriends. so, i guess cheating isn’t always about sex…
being married means being tied to that person for life…….apparantly this woman didn’t hear that part. Cheating is aweful whether it’s emotional or physical. There is no better way to cheat. If she knew this man well enough then she wouldn’t have married him.
It probably is. Or at least ends up being that way.
I think so, possibly. It’s about wanting a relationship and not caring how you get it I guess.
it could totally be about love you’re not getting. she can’t speak for everyone. (though i’m not a cheater, but that’s pretty bias. some people actually stay virgins intill they’re married & what not.)
I think cheating is about someone who has problems in their life they are too cowardly to face. Can their problems be sexually related? Yes. Are they always? No. I know someone who thought of cheating . . . not because the sex was bad, but because she and her husband were poorly matched (key here: be careful who you marry, and don’t marry someone just because mommy doesn’t like him. It’s not really that intelligent). For most of the people I know (who have cheated-and I’ve known a few), they never admitted it, but when you look at the lack of care they give their relationships (never admitting their own wrong, lying constantly to their spouse, accusatory behavior, lack of compassion or selfless love for another . . . ), you realize that the cheating (either their’s or their spouse’s) comes from an inability to compromise or even try very hard to make things work.
It is about narcissism. Both the cheater and the “other” person are selfish individuals who think they are not only justified in wha tthey are doing for whatever reason, but that they are entitled to cheat….even if it devastates both the spouse and children involved. They both know what they are doing and they both know it is wrong but they don’t CARE. It isn’t about sex, it isn’t about some unmet emotional need because chances are, if one spouse is feeling neglected then they are both feeling neglected. Cheating arises from the desire to hurt your spouse or partner for some perceived wrong doing.