February 27, 2008
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The Fine Line
I have lost my ability to stand up for myself. I no longer tell people what is on my mind. When someone walks all over me, they hear nothing from me. I feel over the last 6 years, I have slowly allowed my boundaries to fall.
It happened in a way that was unnoticeable to me. In one public way, I didn’t speak carefully. And at the age of 30, I paid a price for not speaking carefully. The intentions of my heart were not evil but I was very candid with a lady from my work. I paid such a price for that candid thought that I measured my words more carefully after that incident.
The problem is that over the next 6 years, I would develop a pattern of being way too cautious. When someone would say something inappropriate, I would just take it. In my mind, I was being Christian. I wouldn’t speak back and wouldn’t point out anything that was inappropriate. Instead I would just take what ever was done as an insult.
And over the last few months I have come to a place where I am realizing I don’t speak up for myself anymore. In the name of Christianity, I have allowed myself to become a doormat.
But as I try to make sure I swing the door back in the opposite direction, I want to be careful. I want to make sure that I don’t swing myself back to the other extreme. I don’t want to express things just because I am in a position where now I can. I want to have the balance of pointing out things that are incorrect without doing it like there is a chip on my shoulder.
My desire is to carefully push back without punching back.
Comments (114)
We all have our doormat days. Foist!
I’m sure there are a good (or great) many Christians who identify with you in this. I’m glad you felt it worth sharing.
not being able to stand up for yourself, or “having no backbone” can be detrimental to your mental health, your outlook on life, and can definitely cause you to view yourself in a negative manner. even if your mouth has gotten you in serious trouble before (as mine often has), you have to continue to speak what’s on your mind. it’s for your own good. look out for numero uno, Dan. i care about you, you know.
Brother, strength is anything but unchristian.
Allow yourself to stand tall. Believe that you hold the truth.
Lean on Christ.
You know the patterns better than most… Don’t forget them…
I am, by temperment, socially timid. Even when I have ideas in mind, my impulse is to keep it from being said. On one hand, it keeps me out of trouble; but on the other hand… well, it could be a good thing to let ideas out.
In ways, I use my blogs as sounding boards and outlets. Not so much as an artifical valve but as a way to let my ideas out– without having a heavy door to push through first.
Isn’t a little late for you to still be up?
One way to do this is to basically let other people know how certain offensive actions make you feel. I know this is considered “wimpy” in current society, but honestly a good way to approach someone who has offended is to concentrate your language on “I” or “me.” When you are confronting someone and you concentrate on what “they” did or the conversation is littered with “you,” people tend to go into self-defense mode and are less open to what you are saying. Instead if you use the approach along the lines of “this action made me feel like ____ for this reason, people at least well listen initially longer.This is all basic simple psychology 101 stuff and my apologies if this information was already well understood.
Cool Runnings means peace be the journey…
“I see pride! I see power! I see a bad-ass mother who don’t take no crap off of nobody!”
Be loved. Wherever you are, be loved.
I’ve been feeling the same way lately. At this point I would take saying things that aren’t always the best over not ever saying anything at all because knowing that I have no boundries with people has made me withdraw drastically from people as a whole.
I feel like that sometimes, too. We’re doormats when we shouldn’t be, and too outspoken when we should just shut up. ;_; Gaaah.
Christ tells us to stand up and be proud we’re Christians! We’re not meant to be doormats. God bless!
-AnubisWerewolf
Hmm things happen for a reason.. You either take a stand or let things slide.. Just pick your battle wisely and not let them push you down.. But still stand firm in what you believe.. When push comes to shove. You will find things to fight or not to fight.
Sometimes doormatting is beneficial.
Just because I see things, doesn’t mean I need to point them out.
If I know things that other people don’t, it puts me in a better position than them.
It’s late, so I’m not sure that’s clear…
You know, I never thought of you as a doormat. At least not from on here. But I never thought of you as someone to shove their views down someone’s throat, either. I always thought you were pretty much in the middle, already.
But “on here” isn’t your personal life, and so I do hope you figure out a way to get to where you want to go with expressing yourself and your feelings. :] Good luck, Dan!
handle your business.
Speak the Truth in Love.
you… doormat?
come on!!!!!
A lot of times it seems I don’t stand up for myself. It’s ‘cuz I just don’t give a shit anymore. There are sooooo many people out in the world who are so stuck up their own ass, it’s a pathetic attempt to say anything about it. Hell, I’ll take a fall ‘cuz of the futile attempts that would be made. And, really, it’s the others who are the pathetic ones who try too hard or are just too delusional.
A plethora of people need to get over themselves.
But, if bodily harm is made toward me, I’ve had a bad rep of using sharp objects and being cheap.
don’t get this wrong dan, I always thought you are a pretty strong person. but I sort of assumed that those problems don’t occur when you are grown-up. I guess I was wrong.
You seem to be a good listener, so please don’t underestimate that incredibly valuable skill. Listen, and speak with actions. I have always been a fan of St. Francis of Assisi, and although I am no longer a Christian, you might find comfort in one of his most famous quotes– “Preach the Gospel at all times; if necessary, use words.” I think that has good moral undertones, and listening & actions being the keys to strength.
A lot of your readers will support you, Dan!
some times, i cant control and i got mad.
this is when people know they’ve crossed the line.
when i decided to keep mum and swallow everything in,
they go on and on not realising im actually there. hurt.
hey – good luck.
it may seem like youäre at the beginning of something. But by having realized and put your lack of speaking up for yourself into words – and to share it with ( a lot of) others by this entry – wow you’ve come a very long way in your process already.
…..know yourself, be honest to yourself, try to see thingäs from otheräs perspective – and from this voice your opinion as you see fit and fair …..
I was always like that. I had to learn differently.
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Dr-Henry-Cloud/dp/0310247454/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1204107465&sr=8-1
I never knew you were a step over in real life. Sometimes I feel people take advantages of me because I’m a nice person and like to help others. However, if they push too far I will not hold back speaking what’s on my mind to defend my dignity.
Wow… I can really relate to this. Especially lately. *hugs*
Must have been a pretty serious incident with the lady from work. I’m actually surprised that this is an issue that you’re dealing with. You come across as pretty wise and well-spoken.
There was a Primetime episode last night where they had actors and hidden cameras covering a “What Would you do?” scenario. In one, a muslim woman was being refused service and berated in a bakery. Some people ignored it. Some people lauded the employee. Quite a few, though, stood up for the muslim woman. Some of them brought me to tears for their courage (without overdoing it – pushing without punching as you put it)
I see you as someone who has the wisdom to make the right choices as to when to intervene with compassion and patience.
I’ve noticed a few people have already said this, and I agree. With your weblogs and photoblogs, you basically maintain a neutral standpoint. While this is good and fine, I’ve secretly been waiting to hear what you think about everything you post. We all visit your site to tell our opinions, and I have rarely left with an impression of your musings.
It’s something I’d love to hear. Good luck, Dan.:]
I can relate with you on the being a doormat sense. Sometimes I really
do feel that way – especially with people I care about. I don’t want to
hurt their feelings, so I sacrifice mine. Not the healthiest course of
action.
I like what ktandie said about listening. I find that if you just listen to people and show your love (demonstrate what it is to be a Christian) through actions, people respond really well to that. When I’m offended by someone, a lot of times I will laughingly say “Ouch!” or “Jeez!” and usually that person thinks back to what they said and how they said it and will apologize.
If you become known for being the person that is always pointing out people’s faults or inaccuracies, you probably won’t get as much respect than if you’re quietly loving. Then when you gently let someone know that they’ve hurt your feelings, they will (almost always) be more responsive and feel bad about it because they will have come to respect you for being one of the few people in the world who take the time to listen without judging.
Does that make sense? I feel like I wrote in circles!
Know why you stand.
such a delicate balance to find! i have had trouble balancing this for so long with very little success. i hope you find the right median.
Sounds like you’ve given this a lot of thought.
Just for the record…when I say something dumb and you don’t correct me… I have always looked on it as a kindness.
Your right, you should never allow people to treat you like a doormat.
I think we are all like that in some aspect of our life. As far as your faith, you are a man of God above everything else first! Don’t forget that. It seems as though since I’ve become a Christian, my backbone has gotten stronger and I’ve gotten quite bold a few times, but other times I clamor into my shell. But having a backbone is a conscious effort. No matter what you stand up for, you will make someone upset, or possibly even lose a relationship. That’s just the way life is sometimes.
“Therefore my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.” 1 Corinthians 15:58
i completly know what you mean. the only person i stand up to is my husband and people i can’t see. (like xagians)
I think that can be very difficult — standing up for one’s self without being overly agressive — especially in these times when everyone is so worried about being p.c. and not stepping on toes or offending anyone. I know that for me, a similar thing happened when I went off to college. Every time I would voice an opinion, someone would make me feel like an idiot, or they would get offended. Eventually, I just stopped saying anything that might provoke any type of debate. Trust me, becoming a doormat is not just a Christian thing, it cuts across religion into a human race thing. It’s easy to get intimidated by having one or two bad arguments or “philisophical debates” with a person, and it’s easy to let them push you into staying in a corner. I would say though, just find a line where you feel comfortable. There’s absolutley nothing wrong with expressing your point of view, I think where people tend to have problems though, is when they let their point of view (especially when it comes to religious and political debates) become more of a “you should” and “I’m right, I have the Truth” type of thing.
Now, when I debate, or even simply state my point of view, I keep in mind that Truth is relative. Someone at the beginning of the thread suggested starting with “When you. . . it makes me feel. . . ” type of phrases, and I think that’s a great way to get out there again. It’s a great way of subtly telling a person, ” I have respect for your idea of Truth, even though it might not be the same as mine.”
I think that everyone who reads your posts, including me, is always very curious about what you have to say on different matters, we want to know what you think! Maybe here on Xanga is the perfect place to get yourself out there again.
as always – balance is key danielson. now wax on, wax off.
I think everyone falls inthat category several times a week if not more. Totally relate, although my mother calls it being passive aggressive. Pfft. Whatever.
that is an interesting journey
Dan, your mouth will sometimes get you in trouble, and you can’t keep it shut because of that. How many times has your mouth gotten you in trouble with me? and we’re still just fine. Some people can forgive, and some can’t. People make mistakes- it doesn’t mean they should keep quiet and let others walk all over them.
You’re better than that.
That sounds like a wise way to go about it. Use the “iron fist in a velvet glove” method of human relations.
Dan, here’s some God-sent advice for a Christian to a Christian:
“cease from men whose breath is in their own nostrils…” I forget the verse:(
“speak the truth in love” Ephesians 4:15
and there are many more all throughout the Bible that admonish Christians not to fear what man- especially non-Christians- think about us. they can do no more harm than dissolve this earthly vessel. but out of godly fear of God we can speak up when necessary and speak boldly without fearing the consequences.
if what you want to say is in line with what God teaches and you speak up about it in such a manner as to speak kindly but uncompromisingly then you should not fear what people are going to say in reaction to your words- your reward in heaven is greater.
of course, use caution when speaking up about merely opinion-related matters we’re not called to unneccesarily step on people’s toes:)
May God give you the boldness to speak up, the patience to be silent when necessary, and the wisdom to know the difference:)
I think that you are going about this in the right way. If you keep in mind that you want to treat others like you would want to be treated, you will be fine.
This is great, and it’s about time!
Hm. That is a tricky line to find. I’ll pray for you.
Dan,
I think I did the same thing when I got seperated & divorced.. I just did not say anything about the situation, I walked away- which gave some people the permission to talk about me in a bad way- as a matter of fact I got “Black Balled” in my Home town.
I kept my mouth shut not for Christian reasons – just Because I FELT FOR MY OWN SANITY ( AT THE TIME), to let things go.
But Now if some one brings it up, I do Stand up for myself and admit I have made mistakes but that is No excuse for People to walk all over my Reputation…
I get Mad about it now, But there is Nothing I can do ( about what was said in the past ). I just Live & let live..
But am Now more careful, But you do Know Actions Speak Louder Than Words !!
All my best,
Your Friend ,
Diane
I feel like I do this too sometimes – there is such a fine line between confronting the bad stuff and having some grace with people!
You seemed wise here on Xanga.
Just because you are a Christian doesn’t mean you can’t stand up for yourself. You can stand up, but remember that you must do so with Grace.
Yeah. you’re a pussy, Dan.
I’ve gone through this same thing myself. I finally started “pushing back” last semester as some of my friends’ choices were taking them downhill. I began telling them they were wrong and what they should be doing (or at least pointing them in that direction), and they listened and were grateful. It actually surprised me.
I’ve never gotten in a fight with a friend because I don’t like to argue–I present my case but don’t push it…I use to let people walk over me. Not anymore…
Great post!!!!!!!
I feel you. I have my own horror stories, including the fact that I’m currently churchless and jobless.
That sounds like a great goal, you have inspired me as well
Matthew 5:38-47
38 “You have heard the law that says the punishment must match the injury: ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’ 39 But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also. 40 If you are sued in court and your shirt is taken from you, give your coat, too. 41 If a soldier demands that you carry his gear for a mile, carry it two miles. 42 Give to those who ask, and don’t turn away from those who want to borrow. 43 “You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. 44 But I say, love your enemies![s] Pray for those who persecute you! 45 In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. 46 If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. 47 If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. 48 But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.
From The Satanic Bible by Anton Szandor LaVey
1. “Love one another” it has been said is the supreme law, but what power made it so? Upon what rational authority does the gospel of love rest? Why should I not hate mine enemies — if I “love” them does that not place me at their mercy?
2. Is it natural for enemies to do good unto each other — and WHAT IS GOOD?
3. Can the torn and bloody victom “love” the blood splashed jaws that rend him limb from limb?
4. Are we not all predatory animals by instinct? If humans ceased wholly from preying upon each other, could they continue to exist?
5. Is not “lust and carnal desire” a more truthful term to describe “love” when applied to the continuance of the race? Is not the “love” of the fawning scriptures simply a euphemism for sexual activity, or was the “great teacher” a glorifier or eunuchs?
6. Love your enemies and do good to them that hate and use you — is this not the despicable philosophy of the spaniel that rolls upon its back when kicked?
7. Hate your enemies with a whole heart, and if a man smite you on one cheek, SMASH him on the other!; smite him hip and thigh, for self-preservation is the highest law!
8. He who turns the other cheek is a cowardly dog!
9. Give blow for blow, scorn for scorn, doom for doom — with compound interest liberally added thereunto! Eye for eye, tooth for tooth, aye four-fold, a hundred-fold! Make yourself a Terror to your adversary, and when he goeth his way, he will posses much additional wisdom to ruminate over. Thus shall you make yourself respected in all the walks of life, and your spirit — your immortal spirit — shall live, not in an intangible paradise, but in the brains and sinews of those whose respect you have gained.
I believe what Jesus taught and what Anton LaVey taught concerning love, enemies, and revenge. The key factor is the specifics of any given situation. What Jesus teaches is not beneficial to any human being in every single situation. What LaVey teaches is not beneficial to any human being in every single situation. One cannot be like Jesus teaches and allow everyone treat you as a doormat all the time. At the same time one cannot be like LaVey teaches and allow anger and bitterness to take over ones heart and soul. One must gain the wisdom to determine which philosophy would be the most beneficial to oneself in that particular situation.
Wow, awesome post. I think this is the most honest I have ever seen you on here. I have been questioning a post/blog I made myself for some fo the same reasons. Last sunday I was doing a lesson over the GOOD SAMARITAN and after I finished writing the lesson I wrote what I have considered a MODERN DAY equivolent called THE GOOD HOMOSEXUAL. I want to post it online but am worried about what may be seen or said. As a Youth Minsiter I have a whole church and parents that judge and critique the things I do. I could make it private but I think that is ignoring the problem.. I dont think Jesus private posted his parables.. ha ha – they were meant to be and feel striking to change and transform.
Daniel (doubledb)
dude- being Christian does not = being a doormat. I hope you can find your voice.
but yeah, also when it comes to a lot of church stuff going on as the youth minister I am am supposed to support the pastor with no questions. Mens Breakfast is madnatory (at 8 AM on Saturday – and the church is 30 minute drive for me), I am asked to support things in business meetings, and most recently we are starting a Bus Ministry where in the Manual there is a section on giving food and money to non-members and non-bus riders. It basically says to turn them away because the church’s budget can barely help its on members. what? Are we not called to help the poor and needy. It also said this was to help with those who take advatage of our charity and use it to buy alchohol and drugs. I say go buy them food, pay their bills in person – dont just stop giving. I think that if we give with a good heart and people use that for something else then thats is their problem and not our own… well, all this went though my mind in the BUS MINISTRY MEETING and I said nothing. I canot even fathom how to begin to ask how we can ignore the poor. Our pastor did not write the maual but he did give it to us and approve it. It made me angry and sad at the same time and only made me remember the parable of the Good Samaritan once again, leaving me feeling like the church is less like the Samaritan and more like the religious leaders passing people by more and more.
ok, sorry – rant done. Obviosly I cannot write stuff like this on my own blog or I could be in trouble or fired for questioning the authority of the pastor. What a world we live in, eh? If it was not for some youth that are learning to love God and are changing I may be out of there by now.
Daniel (doubledb)
please when yuo figur it out tellme , cause all i do is punch back and or look the complete other way. but it might also depend on the wa you look , And there is a such a thing as bottomless fries. ?
I am the SAME way. Sure over the internet I may say what’s on my mind- cause I don’t know any of you. But with co-workers, friends, family, acquaintances, etc.. I am walked all over. It sux, but whatever. I’m not Christian- but I believe in Karma- so my sins are NOT forgiven if I pray- my sins will come back to bite me in the butt! So I’m very careful in my day to day life.
It’s just good to be the bigger person I guess. I know it’s frustrating, but I don’t even try to fight it. Unless an issue is VERY important and I need to let myself be heard- I’m pretty quiet. And that’s ok with me.
congratulations on realizing this and wanting to swing the pendulum back slowly and carefully. Are you sure you aren’t my husband, and just pretend to be from the midwest and a few years older than he is with different kids? Truly, it’s like peeking into my hubby’s brain. Scary, isn’t it?
Dan, hi! I got into your site from a former friend of mine from on here. And I love reading what you post. It’s good to realize this. Sometimes, we as Christians, are so lax that we allow anything to slide by. My work (my main job) knows there are differences between me and them, but we respect that about each other. We rarely bring it up or we do discuss it. Thankful I have a Christian boss, but sometimes I wonder about that. Anyhow..
You have a lot of wisdom and knowledge, and thats why I keep up with your site as much as I do. Especially on Christianity. Why, as of late especially on the homosexuality post, I keep up with this site. You are great guy, Dan! Thank you for posting this information, and realizing that we are all a work in progress. The only perfect person was Jesus Christ Himself, and He only asked us to try to be like Him.
Here for you, Dan! Thank you for being honest and open like that. Whenever you get the chance, take a look at my site.
Blessings!
Pshhh…. I don’t take ANYTHING from ANYONE. EVER!
Yeah. I used to be quiet when people walked over me…then I realized I have a voice….which can be rather loud and opinionated, if need be. I also have a foot to kick up someone’s….well, you get the point! I really am a nice person though! If people are nice to me, I am even nicer to them. Its that simple!
i’m passive agressive. it’s not doing too well for me.
Instead of pushing back you could step out of the way and allow the other person to fall flat on their face.
For what it’s worth, I see you as a strong person who can do anything.
This is something I struggle with myself too. Got pushed around a lot when I was younger, went way overboard when I was in college (yelled and screamed at anyone who even looked at me the wrong way) and now I’m pretty much back to the quiet self I used to be, but with a bit more of a backbone. I don’t have much good advice to offer you but it seems like you’re already on the right track, by recognizing what you want to do and figuring out how to achieve it. “Pushing without punching” is a great motto to live by. Good luck.
Well Dan, at my job I am part of the user services support team. I support the user! I was given my position so I could “help those people think outside the box.” But after watching my completed projects collect dust and my precise solutions I know would work be ignored, now I wait for the users I support to clearly articulate what they need.
They can’t. They have no clue. When I don’t think for people and translate “laymen” into “specifics”, even less gets done.
I want to go back to college. My doormat-ness is part of my job title, but I dropped out of the path I truly chose to be a doormat for people who really just need to retire, cause it’s not 1985 anymore, and every day I am here is really just another day of my life wasted for nothing.
I disagree with you and your Christianity. But we both have two legs and two arms. I bet you have a penis and testes too!
Isn’t that cool?
@MuseErato - I’m passive aggressive too. My passivity is really outright hostility. I don’t ever want to tap that resource because it is limitless and grows the more you indulge in it.
Christians inevitably need to learn that balance of both truth and grace in their speech. Too much truth and you’re judgmental. Too much grace and you are, as you say, a doormat. We need more people like you to be able to speak in a truthful, but loving way to others when they step out of bounds. Finding the balance is difficult, but I pray that you find this balance as you seem to be a wise man of strong integrity.
I used to be like that when I was younger. I never had the courage to stand up for myself or speak my mind until I turned 24 last summer. I spoke with my mom two weeks before my birthday about it and I said to her that enough is enough. I’ve let too many people step all over me and now, I’m fighting back. And since then, I’ve developed a thicker skin with certain situations and in others, I speak up.
You’re definitely a strong individual. Always stay that way.
I consider myself a Christian but not a doormat. Dan! Wake up! Don’t let people take advantage of you. I do think there’s wisdom in thinking of what we’re going to say before we say it, but still, a doormat? I think you know the line between doormat and assertiveness.
I can relate to you too.
Also, I’m sick of standing up for what I believe in and being bashed about it. It makes me want to retreat to a corner and never talk again. But, we have to keep stick up for ourselves, especially in the name of God. Good for you!
With new eyes read through the ministry of Jesus. You’ll be amazed at how many times He gentle pushed back.
And good for you. I’m praying that you will find your strength. I have to go find mine for the moment. 3 yo won’t stop crying…
Dan, just the fact that you’ve realised this will make it easier for you to speak up. And really, Dan, you have always struck me as someone who thinks before they speak, anyways. So I’m sure that once you start voicing your opinions and needs, you’ll see that they are valued and appreciated!
*HUGS*
@esch99 - I saw that last night too – the Muslim woman segment brought me to tears as well – I feel that sometimes there is so much injustice – everyone deserves to be treated like human beings and not stereotyped! I was proud that so many DID stand up for her, though.
don’t let your being a doormat define you as a person. Peter denied Christ 3 times before becoming the head of the church and being martyred for the cause.
keep on leaning and learning, bro. =)
Good for you! Wish I could learn to do that. Sometimes my doormat skills are tremendous!
You can do it!
I think its interesting when people say these things are about Christianity. I see Christianity as an excuse and a crutch. But thats just me.
Poor thing. All religion smothers its faithful.
I used to be like that… and I’m still trying the push back without punching back approach… but when push comes to shove with me… shove usually turns to sock. I’m far too opinionated and loudmouthed for my own good…. but… usually I’m being honest. Is it wrong to be honest so much so that it ticks people off, or should you only be honest to a safe degree… I think that … if you’re going to be honest, be honest, don’t stop halfway cause chances are they need to or will hear it from someone else, it may as well be you.
I think that’s a good way to be
good luck Dan. It’s hard to find that balance between assertive & aggressive [health class], and I’ll pray for you.
I think th ekey is to stand your ground without conquering anyone elses.
Luke 13:1-10
The real friends are the ones who will comment on an entry that does not involve their opinion. I too have been a doormat to people for a long time, and I know it sucks.
Sometimes though, on here at least, I wish people would comment back an angry response, just because any communication, is sometimes better than none. And I welcome feedback if I said something stupid, because chances are, I wanted someone to reply, to give what I said validity. There is no validity to something if nobody cares enough to respond. If it pisses someone off, and they reply in anger, they have just given what I said, more power. And their anger is their fall.
no or yes?
yes.
It’s a pretty darn amazing revelation when you start to regain the parts of yourself you have compromised in life isn’t it? It IS also very hard not to let the door swing too far the other way as well. You will be much happier when you find the balance, and I am still working on attaining the perfect balance again myself.
The key to standing up for yourself and your convictions while not letting your mouth get you in trouble is to consider what you are about to say before you say it and always try to remain diplomatic.
I continue to need to work on this as well.
OMG you wrote a post that had like, content and didn’t ask a question! You _are_ a person after all!
Lol, I’m just realizing that if someone doesn’t like what I say, if they aren’t paying my bills, I don’t have to care what they think. I’m learning that I don’t have to please everyone and I am just as good as anyone else. This after a life of just sitting quietly in the corner and not knowing when to say”no” which I do quite frequently now
. It’s relieving
Be really honest. If you’re asked about something, tell it how it is, you know?
“Is this okay with you, Dan?”
“I would actually prefer if we did this instead.”
Just… honesty. Let it out.
Dan, it should have nothing to do with being a Christian, but rather a human being. One can speak up without making a fool of themself, and you are quite articulate…
Now… on the other hand, I find when someone is being a complete idiot, and only an embarassment to themselves, give them just enough rope to hang themselves! LOL (Example, a woman that went completely certifiably psycho over on your beloveds site on me a while back… I just let her rant. She only embarassed herself. There was no need to go any further with it) Wouldn’t you agree?
Blessings Dan.
Sum me up why don’t you (though, I’ve never associated it with being a Christian). It’s so hard for me to find a happy medium between two extrema sometimes. It’s so much easier said than done.
I doubt there is anything else I can say that all the others have not said here. But it is good that you know where you are, and not ashamed of admitting it.
At some levels, I could relate, because I never actually told anyone how I really feel, even if I am being repeatedly run over, because that is just something I am uncomfortable of-speaking my mind.
I wish that you may be able to find that elusive balance.
Warmest regards, Rizza
Unfortunately, if the people around you have gotten used to you taking what’s dished out, many of them may not understand why you would change. They may not appreciate it one bit. If you’re like me, even new acquaintances can pick up on your doormat vibes, and say things to you that you suspect they wouldn’t say to anyone else.
Fun, huh?
So, how to push without punching? Well, I’m only a recovering doormat, so my advice is fragile… but you might listen when you talk. Do you say ”please” so often that it sounds more like you’re begging than anything else (“please don’t get mad!”)? Do you, in fact, plead with people not to be angry with you when you do express an opinion? Do you apologize for things that aren’t your fault? Or maybe you opt out entirely for many occasions, saying nothing at all.
Been there, done that. All I can say is, be polite but don’t cower. I guess that’s the best way to handle it. Golden Rule at all times, but remember that means loving others as much as you love yourself. You don’t have to put up with jerks. I avoid anyone who tempts me to say things I shouldn’t.
I still keep a lot of opinions to myself. I don’t think there’s really anything wrong with that.
I love the way so many people here are surprised that you’re reticent in real life. As if writing has anything to do with talking!
Oh yeah, and I guess this means more credits in your account. Cool.
I can relate… I was always, well not really so much of a doormat, but I never cared to actually correct people before. Then I let two guys abuse me emotionally and physically for two years, and was stripped of my ability to stand up for myself even if I felt that I needed to.
And then I decided I didn’t want to take it anymore, and I didn’t just start standing up for myself, but I turned into a total dick. I actually pissed off my abusers by being an asshole and that’s how it ended, because they didn’t like me anymore.
So now I’m still working on that balance between doormat and asshole, but now I kind of lean more toward being a jerk, which I do try to work on…. But it is hard. Because I don’t want to scare people away, but I also don’t want to attract any more abuse because people see that I let myself be walked over.
Or I may be a jerk forever, because sometimes it’s really too much effort to walk on eggshells when I just have something raw to say.
Great last sentence.
It is the art of standing up for oneself. A tango of communication.
I hope this means we will hear a little more from the real Dan!
I like the questions from the great Oz behind the curtain since he gets people thinking and interacting about many different issues
but it would be cool if Dan would poke his head out and speak his mind sometimes too
or maybe you want a different blog for that?
and don’t beat yourself up for taking time to heal and deal with stuff like this
it takes time and a safe environment
my xanga became an unsafe place for me to write after being chastised at work for something I wrote that wasn’t understood and taken out of context
I’ve come to the conclusion that being silent can become silent consent, which basically is dishonest. In the pursuit of peace, it is easy to become a hypocrite to yourself. Another negative is that others don’t know who your really are, therefore, friendships tend to remain superficial and shallow. Don’t cast your pearl before swine, but don’t hoard them either. You will know when to share who you are and who to share yourself with.
To all who are saying that she should be recalled, by your logic shouldn’t Califronia now be recalling Arnold Schwarzenegger for all the years that he had his picture taken in a speedo in his bodybuilding days? After all isn’t that also a fitness competition, which is why she had the photos taken?
Dan:
Your post hit a very personal mark with me. I can’t help but wonder if God meant for me to read it and glean from your example? I too am going through something right now very similar. I have always tried to be the peacemaker. To accept fault and apologize to smooth things over. To guard my words so carefully rather than risk offending anyone. In short, I too am a doormat.
I am currently wrestling with this: can I not be a doormat and stand up for myself and yet still show Christian virtue? Where does ‘turning the other cheek’ so it too may be struck play into this? How does one stand up for oneself without making the situation worse? It is hard for me to be bold and “stick up” for myself. It’s simply not in my nature.
These are more rhetorical questions than anything else. But, I do sympathize with your struggle and you desire for balance. I am right there too.
I find myself in similar situations. While I do not advocate always being a doormat, I think there is something to be said for how you respond. I don’t think we are to retaliate with vengeance, but I think it is right for a Christian to point out injustice at times. Consider John 18:23. After being hit by one of the guards, “Jesus answered, ‘If I have spoken wrongly, testify to the wrong. But if I have spoken rightly, why do you strike me?’” He didn’t strike back, but he did “unmask the powers.”
I am frustrated by those who tell you that you have to “look out for number one.” So says the world. I think that the Christian’s call is to put others before yourself.
I pray for good balance in your life. I can relate with what you say completely because being in the ministry part of our thinking has been, we have to take the abuse because maybe people really dont know they are being this way.
In hind sight,I am sure there could have been a better response but the only response we know is from our former ways.
So being verbally notched down, tired and feeling like failures we kindly excused ourselves from the ministry (with our heads bowed low and tails between our legs) to heal and prayerfully move forward with a better way to defend ourselves from being in this place again.
I think as those beating you down are bullies and need to be dealt with in the most delicate way but not ignored.
Funny, you seem to be pushing back well with your passive aggression syndrome.
omg your analogy of the doormat … i’ve heard it at my youth group a ton of times before. yeah, it’s hard like standing up for what you believe in… but being too passive about it has its consequences.
it’s like the thermostat and thermometer analogy. we want to be an active thermostat not a passive thermometer… who just records the temperature.
maybe you could be a license examiner for a while at the DMV.
I hear you… I’m currently having problems with this myself… I want to find the point between being walked on and fighting back aggressively… Currently, I would classify myself as the latter, and I find it very contradicting to how I feel that I should act and I have crossed the line a few too many times now… If you actually read/keep up with all of your comments (I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t) then you probably know what I’m talking about here…
I think I’ve decided that from now on, if someone says something offensive to me, I’m going to step back and pray that God would have me respond in a way that glorifies Him and not in a way that glorifies me. I think and hope this will help me remember my stance while arguing a point and will also remind me to be less aggressive and more constructive with my arguments…
God Bless, hope I could help
Chris
It’s great if you decide to question everything.
I think a vision of where you want to be; of what you want to accomplish is the key here. We live in reaction, tactics or strategy. Strategy is possible with a clear goal. I have this, in some ways. I pray for each of my family to develop their unique vision of the Kingdom of Heaven, AND their personal strategy for accomplishing it. What do I do to make this happen? It is like, finding the purpose for your creation. We are said to be created for some purpose. What is it? Seems like you are coming closer to finding your. Congrats! When your vision for that larger goal is more clear, you have a guide on how to pick your battles, a standard of core values that you CAN be true to. This is essential if you want to have integrity, and be happy. I believe we can only be violated by our own choices- this seems to be at the crux of your feelings here. You know, when I have a clearer vision of larger goals – I can forgive myself the smaller goof ups. And re-strategize. Reconnoiter if needed. Then, re asses the short term steps toward these goals. Sound good? hope so….appreciate your honesty.
You can do it. It is possible. You will get flack (flak? sp?), but I understand your reluctance to express your views in a way that doesn’t turn folks away from Christ. Like a popular Christian song says (Casting Crowns) sometimes the best thing is to get out of the way. However, I think if you take time to pray and think about your responses, some good will come of it. You’ll still mess up once in a while, but I think it’s like a muscle that must be exercised. And you don’t want to over-exert at first, or use your muscle to punch. I’m sending up a little prayer right now.
hey man, I can totally relate. I had a lot of ” Christian ” influence, in my life over the years. The problem is figuring out what is and what isn’t Christianity, ya know? The Bible talks about whoever controls you is who you work for, or it is permissible to do anything. I have lived my life trying to change other people, but only the Creator can accomplish this or trying to please man, pleasing others is not Christ-like either. I is all about having people to hold you accountable for yourself, of you can’t keep yourself accountable, then you need someone else to do it for you, ya knows?
It’s funny that you say this, Dan, because lately I have been feeling and thinking the exact same thing. I am quiet and shy and have always just “taken it.” And I am so sick and I am so tired of being walked on. I don’t want to lash out, but I do want to stand up. You are right – it is a very fine line.
I hope you find your way. I struggle with standing up for myself…. I’m 24…. and I have never been aggressive. Mostly because I never knew how. This has caused me to drop friendships rather than deal with conflict and avoid trouble rather than facing my fears. I’m slowly learning… I really wish I would have learned years ago. Good luck finding your balance*