April 22, 2012
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Dan on Parenting Part 3
Last night my oldest son and his friends stayed out a little late.
One of the parents called me at around 9:00 p.m. and told me his daughter wasn’t home yet. I told him that the kids were out and they would probably be home soon. The parent attacked me and told me I was a clueless parent and then told me some things about my son. I told him I already knew everything about my son because I just listened to him.
He called me again and told me that he wanted me to tell the kids to come home. I told him I thought that the kids probably knew he was calling everywhere for them and that he was attacking them. So I thought that the kids would probably stay out later just because of his attacks. I told him he should just communicate that he loved his daughter and that she needed to come home and then hug her when she came into the house and they would discuss it the next morning. He hung up on me.
A police officer came to my home at 2:00 in the morning and asked me where the kids were. I told him I didn’t know but if the father just called his daughter and told her he loved her and that he wanted her to come home, she would come home.
I explained to him that my son had no curfew on Friday nights because he is 18.
So I called my son and told him I loved him in front of the cop and told him to come home and to tell all the other kids to come home. They came home immediately.
After the kids came home, I hugged my son and we talked about it today.
About 30 minutes after they came home, the other parent called me and left a voice message attacking me and telling me I was a horrible Christian (he goes to my church).
I thought it was interesting that he didn’t realize that all of the kids came home at my command and I hugged my child when he came through the door.
I am pretty sure his daughter will not come next time.
Comments (68)
Wow, 18 years old and the parent calls fuming at 9:00? then sends the COPS to your house because he thinks you know where they are and holding out on him?
what a whacko, I feel sorry for his daughter. nothing to do with her character, but she’s totally going to go crazy in college once she has some freedom if THAT is how her dad acts!!
and for the record, I definitely think you handled the situation correctly!!
I wish there were more parents that understood the power of listening.
i think the other parent should look into an honor killing
The thing about kids (especially teens) is that you will only find you CAN trust them if you actually DO trust them once in a while. I have an aunt and cousin who are constantly fighting and my aunt is always complaining that she can’t trust her daughter. But the thing is, she never HAS trusted her. It wasn’t like anything was done to break trust, trust was never given. The mother just assumed outright that her kid was going to do the wrong thing and thus is one of those parents who never lets her do anything because she assumes she will make the wrong choice.
This goes for all kinds of people. They often turn out to be what you expect them to be, so if you expect them to be good, they will be good.
I feel sorry for that guy’s daughter. Damn.
Ah yes,the ole “dad uses another dad as his scapegoat of not being there for his daughter but just being the ruler” It is a lot harder with girls than guys though Dan.I raised 3 and it ain’t no cakewalk.My son was a piece of cake.
That’s a litte intense. That guy’s reaction is also pretty psychotic.
I think it’s different with girls. My dad was more strict with me than my brother, but in this case the dad was being very ridiculous. His daughter is just going to want to rebel even more.
@seladore - Agreed!!
How old is this girl? I mean, 9pm on a Friday night seems kind of early for a curfew for an older girl, which, I assume she’s closer to your son’s age if they’re hanging out….
@crazy2love - Whether my parents listened to me or not, I always did as I was told because there was always consequences of not listening to my parents. He has to be doing something very wrong for her to be aware of the fact that he is freaking out and she still doesn’t care.
I understand his reaction to his daughter lateness. Being a man himself he knows the danger his daughter is facing versus a boy. What could happen is making him worried sick.
I can’t believe the cops came to your house at 2 AM because a teenage girl who is not your responsibility broke curfew. That’s small town stuff; I’d have thought Houston area police have better ways to occupy their time.
You sure you weren’t talking to my dad? All jokes aside, I wish more parents would follow your example. I wish my dad had done that.
I learned something today about you today, you go to church? For some reason I didn’t expect that.
They other parent sounds crazy, and it’s incredibly uncalled for to talk to someone like that. Whether he knows you well or not, he had no reason to react so poorly and attack you. Also, there comes an age where a child is old enough to be out late. I pretty much didn’t have a curfew anymore once I got my drivers license, but if my dad wants me home early he’ll just ask me. We don’t communicate all the time or anything, but he trusts me.
Your advice is sound. I think communication is really huge in any sort of relationship, listening and loving is very important.
Damn, 18 year-olds out until 2 am? that’s pretty brave, although with boys I guess its a bit different.
Wow, what a dolt.
@Thatslifekid - really? In England it’s normal, but probably because in England you can legally go to bars/clubs/wherever and drink at eighteen, so there’s not that worry that we’re going out drinking underage. On Friday/Saturday nights I had no curfew as soon as I turned eighteen AS LONG as I told my parents what time I would be home and if I was planning to stay over at a friends. The bars and clubs around here kick out at 4am, so it wasn’t uncommon for me to get a taxi home then, or just go to a friends.
Dan, if this is a true story, I gotta say,
Damn you’re an impressive person.
You are definitely doing the right thing! People, teenagers included, tend to become what you treat them as, Stanford Prison Experiment Style. You are definitely right about the listening bit–and about people being adults when they turn 18. Parents who listen will know their kids, and while they might not be right all the time, they will probably develop a pretty good handle on what the child can handle and what he can’t. @TakingxOverxMe - Absolutely. I have a feeling I know exactly what’s going to happen when she leaves home… XP
I’ve never had a curfew that early. So, what was your son guilty of? Watching a PG-13 movie or something? lol
You’re a really great father. Had my parents tried this approach, now granted I just locked myself in my room all day/night and did nothing but homework and read, I still would have listened more.
+1 Dan. Being loving does make you a horrible Christian though. To get a top tier medal you need to bomb an abortion clinic or kick a gay.
Man, my dad greeted me with a bamboo stick when I came home late. But, great parenting Dan.
Sorry but that father was simply worried about his daughter. He wasn’t looking for your advise. A simple call to your son advising him that the father needed a call back might have been sufficient. How fathers raise their daughters is their business unless they ask for advice. I think you showed a very judgemental attitude that was not yours to give. Respect….respect….respect it works both ways.
Works on dogs, too. If you yell at a dog to come here and then hit them, they don’t obey. Mine always came back to a treat, neighbors thought I was a genius, doi. Some humans seem to think that anger makes everything better when it comes to kids and dogs. Btw, I have two grown daughters, I used the same approach, skated past many problems other parents had. I chose this route because my mom always yelled at me, never once smiled and said she loved me. The loss and void inside are incredible, even after she died a couple years ago. You can never get that back.
Am i the only one that thinks your reaction was condescending? Maybe she had just been ungrounded and her curfew was 9pm that night. And even though your son doesn’t have a curfew, what could they all be possibly doing at 2am other than getting into trouble? I’m sorry, but a hug isn’t going to keep her from getting pregnant.
i agree with @ShamrockLover , just because your son doesn’t have a curfew doesn’t mean other kids don’t have curfews. some parents are more strict and protective and frankly it’s not your place to tell him how to raise his child. maybe it’s a “while you live at my house you follow my rules” kind of deal.
like the other lady said, you could have called your son to let him know the dad was worried. would you want a grown ass man telling you how to raise your kids? probably not.
Good for you. Seriously. Your son is obviously a very respectful young man.
I’m sorry I took them out dancing. In our defense, we weren’t wearing watches.
One time my dad was extremely worried when I came home at midnight from hanging out with a boy he didn’t know all that well. He was never worried when my brother came home at midnight. I think, for better or worse, it may come from heightened protectiveness over daughters with boys. Some fathers are just more protective of daughters.
But I think this man handled the situation poorly.
That father needs to chill out. Then again, I never broke curfew in my house, because if I did I was in big trouble.
The fact that the dude called the freakin’ COPS just shows that he wasn’t a good authoritarian parent either. I don’t have a problem with making kids stick to a curfew, but since he called the cops, he obviously never actually enforced a curfew for his daughter, just blustered and blamed everybody else. I don’t have a problem with your parenting style either, it’s just not the style I grew up with. (And I seem to have turned out just fine.)
I am inclined to agree with everyone that said it wasn’t your place to tell him how to raise his child. While I agree with you and how you treat your children, those are my thoughts. Other people won’t think the way we do. My dad was almost as bad as the dad in this story except he stopped when I was 18. If I were you, I would have called the kids and then just not answered the phone when the dad called again. That’s why we have caller ID.
As far as you being a bad Christian. I agree with Shimmerbody Cream. You are all talk. Why aren’t you out bombing abortion clinics and witches?
@daydreams_nightmares - Right. And what are the teenaged pregnancy rates in the UK? I remember when I lived there…I saw 14-16 year old girls pushing baby strollers around like it was a fashion accessory. I’m proud of them for keeping the kid, but…it makes you think about parental involvement vs. the legal age to stay out all night and party.
I wish more parents acted the way you do.
I guess I got lucky; my mom and dad believe that you are trustworthy until you prove them otherwise. Under 18 my curfew was 8-10, depending on the day and time of year. Really, if I told them where I was it was okay. Once I turned 18 my mom told me that I was an adult and I set the rules for myself; out of respect I made my curfew 10-11 because I know my dad gets up around 6.
If parents would just listen to their kids, their kids would be more prone to listening to their parents’ requests.
You, sir, are an awesome parent.
I never had a curfew even when I wasn’t 18
Then I moved to Vegas and there was a curfew for the WHOLE city for under 18.. That was stupid, imo..
Idk, was the girl not 18 as well? Maybe she has gotten into trouble before.. I wouldn;t know.
Is the daughter also over 18 with no curfew? I somehow doubt it, with a father calling to look for her at 9pm. Obviously there was some reason for him to want his daughter home. He has a right to want his child home at a certain time, just as it’s your right to let your son stay out till all hours of the evening. I feel horrible that a father tried all resources to have his daughter come home and got no help from other parents. I am sure if I wanted my daughter home, and got no help from the other parents involved, after five hours of trying on my own, I would also have used the last resort of calling the police. Funny how you only decided to help once the police intervened on his behalf.
In some ways I have a hard time relating to this because when I was 18 I had already left home and was working and going to college. Both my son and daughter had jobs and were supporting themselves by the time they were 18. So, I think in part the problem is we are forcing young men and women to act like young children instead of adults.
If an 18 year old is not able to make decent decisions about how to spend their Friday or Saturday nights, it is likely too late to worry about it. These lessons should have been learned years earlier and by this age it is themselves not daddy or mommy that should be trying to enforce them whether by love or brute force.
I think the approach you gave was a very good one and that parent could take a lesson from you.
My parents were always a lot more strict with me than with my brother. My brother got to stay out as late as he wanted, spend the night with his girlfriend, do stupid things with his friends, etc. I had to be home by eleven on the weekends. Oh and my brother is two years younger than me.
But just recently, my brother got his girlfriend pregnant. I kind of want to rub it in my parents’ faces, but I’m not that cold-hearted.
Wow, Dan you and I agree on something.
Although, you may be trolling on the other occasions, I’m not sure.
Controlling parents are about as effective as absent parents IMO.
I’m not sure I would have been a goody two-shoes if I wouldn’t have been able to tell my parents if I wasn’t.
I don’t think you were out of line. The man called your house and expected you to parent his child because he couldn’t. If he wanted help his way he should have asked some one who had a similar parenting style. If he is calling your house for help then he should take the help you offer not try to order you around. The man sounds like a bully and I doubt the girl stayed out because she didn’t care he was worried. She probably stayed out because she was scared of her crazy ass bully of a father who thought he could call you and push you into doing what he wanted because he’s an “assertive” parent.
As for saying girls are different…
I am the only girl with 3 older brothers. I’m the only person my mother had never had to worry about. It’s a person to person thing not a “gender” thing. I don’t care for double standards while raising kids. It pisses me off to no end. Be realistic not uptight drone controllers. Yes there are fucked up things that happen in the world but trust your adult child to be an adult and take precautions.
Plus, the girl was out with a group.
FYI I never went home.
The good ol’ double standard. Of course an 18 year old boy won’t have a curfew and likely an 18 year old girl does. Why? Because when you have a boy, he’s the only pecker you need to worry about educating on protection. When you have a girl, you have to worry about everyone else’s pecker impregnanting her because who knows what kind of sex education parents give their children these days.
I live in the UK, England my sister eighteen until she started uni about 20 (she took a year out to do some work experience) as she thought the degree she was going to be doing would help her, when being sent on placement as part of degree.
She told my parents she was going out clubbing, friends get together, drinking etc and what time she been in at and how she was getting back home (or if she was stopping at a friends house), since my mum is a light sleeper, she would not rest until my sister was safely back. (not a lot my parents can do now, since she no longer lives at home, but my parents do worried)
My parents would be the same if I went out clubbing or going out at night since I have a disability. I only been out a few times at night watching wrestling events, but I went with friends, always went back to friends house before friends parents took me home (since my friend lives on a different bus route)
When I was sixteen after leaving secondary school, we had a get together (a catched up) even though it was a few roads away, I telephoned my parents to tell them I was on my way home (and met me half way home)
@ShimmerBodyCream - dammit… i’ve been bombing the gays and kicking abortion clinics… doing it wrong.
The COPS?! Hahaha woooww. He was out of line, no wonder why his kid didn’t want to go home. Yeesh o.0
I’m 20 years old and go to school three hours from home. Every time I come home for breaks and I hang out with friends and plan on staying out past 9PM, I have to call home and ask for my permission to stay out later. Generally, my parents don’t mind, but the rule is: come home before Daddy does. My dad comes home at 10:30PM. I don’t mind at all, seeing as they are my parents and provide me with more love than I deserve. They worked really hard for me and my siblings and the least I can do is show them enough respect to call them when I am going to be home late. I don’t want them to stay up waiting when they have to get up early the next morning.
I’m glad you’re such a supportive father. However, I hope that you take into consideration the other father’s feelings and his daughter. He may not be the only one who should be shouldering the blame, perhaps his daughter has proven untrustworthy in the past or something. Just something to consider.
I hate when other people want to put their style or parenting and/or their religious convictions onto other people. As a youth minister in a church once I was telling the youth about some things I liked, one of which was sometimes reading Stephen King. A parent then complained because I read Stephen King and he curses in his books, so that meant I was supporting cursing. What!?!? I was told I needed to remove Stephen King from my list… well, I wasn’t going to waste paper, so instead I just marked his name off with a sharpie, which you could read if you held it up to the light… and I explained to the youth the situation. I had a rule that if I had to change or shift something, when asked why, I was not going to lie or cover-up for kids or grumpy church members if they were the reason, but I would also tell the youth to drop it (but I will not be lying because of something another person made me do).
I think your style of parenting is good, since your son obviously does listen to you. What would you have done if he had refused to come home? (just curious) Since all the kids were out with your son, assuming he was the driver, I think that you should have called to let him know that the other dad was looking for his daughter. I also feel that if your son were aware of the curfew of one of the other passengers, he should have been responsible enough to take her home when she needed to be home. Even though your son didn’t have a curfew, that doesn’t automatically mean those with him are entitled to stay out as late as they want.
BUT I don’t think that the other father handled it well, calling to attack you constantly. I’m assuming that his daughter doesn’t have her own phone and that’s why he kept calling you? He should remedy that. Or if she does have her own phone but wasn’t answering him, that shows she’s disobeying her parent by not responding. The curfew seems early, but I have to agree with the others who have said she’s his daughter to raise as he sees fit. She may have been in previous trouble or something that required an earlier curfew.
By the time the cops were called to your house, the daughter had been out 5 hours past her curfew. I would have been calling the cops too. And while I would have been glad to see her home safe, she would NOT have been greeted by a hug at the door. She wouldn’t have been greeted with yelling and fighting either, though. We would have discussed it in the morning, to see exactly why she was out so late past curfew. But 5 hours after curfew would warrant a call to law enforcement, for sure.
Why are you responsible for that girl? o-o
She’s going to go crazy once she’s in college. I’ve seen it happen. Parents restricting their kids like that…no good.
not knowing the history between the parent and the child makes it hard to comment on that parent and his child. However, it’s nice to see that you and your son have such a wonderful relationship.
Dan… Will you be my daddy?
@ShimmerBodyCream - I must be a super Christian cuz I do dat shit every day!
@DrummingMediocrity - I’d make a better daddy. And my discipline is extra loving.
I’ve never really had a set curfew, because I never really did anything bad. My parents just needed to know where I was. They never called to bug me (once I had a cell phone) unless they absolutely had to. My social life (or lack thereof) was actually limited by my friends’ curfews, not my own. I think it’s kind of fucked up how so many parents act like their kids are guilty until proven innocent… from the start.
@SKANLYN - kk, I want details
Great parenting Dan. My family was NOT like this but I can see where your approach would work. I’m glad things worked out in the end. Next time tell the Cop you love him also lol
hmm I’m pretty sure she’ll cum next time. It would hard not to. I remember a couple years ago when I was 18 and with boys. I did lots!
And I thought my parents were weird. My mom keeps texting me where am I every time I’m out and even while I’m at school. And if I don’t reply right away she’ll call and keep calling. It’s annoying, it’s like I’m supposed to be texting her within a minute.
I guess he has some trust issues with his daughter, but there’s no reason to attack someone else for that. But some people would like to point fingers at others rather than figuring out what is wrong with them. They just don’t realize that they are embarrassing themselves.
I think I agree with your style of parenting because it respects your children in such a way, but yet you want them to know that you love them. Also, I respect the parent’s style because I know some parents can have such rules if they are living under their roof. I don’t think he should have attacked you as a Christian and such though. People can be jerks sometimes.
Saying that someone is a horrible christian is the most horrible thing a christian can do (and I know a lot of christians are at fault for this behavior). SO he’s definitely a worse christian. You gave him advice and he didn’t listen. Then he assumed your son is your responsibility, but forget to assume that his daughter is his responsibility. Some people just like to put the blame in other people but not themselves. Sheesh.
It is your choice to trust your son, Dan. I’ll give you that. And this guy is a control freak who will drive a wedge between himself and his daughter. But, that being said, if this guy is that batsh*t crazy, you probably should have alerted your son earlier in the night of his rage. Whether they are old enough to be out there or not, this girl could have faced untold danger from her father’s own hand once she got home at that late hour. Especially if she is so afraid of him that she would not pick up the phone when he most likely tried to call to find out where they were (c’mon, she doesn’t own a cellphone?)
And, although I was certainly more like you than him, it was “my house, my rules” when mine was that age. Mine could stay out as long as I got a text or a call where they would be and who they were with. I trusted them to tell me the truth too. I simply needed to know they were making good choices. Running ’til 2 a.m. at 18 without at least letting someone know where they are? Not wise.
if your son is so grownup and responsible why doesn’t he have any respect for his friends’ parents wishes?
I don’t understand why he is putting responsibility on you? Was your son His daughters ride? Did you son organize this get together? if not than I have no idea why he tried to pin it on you. Did he ever call his daughter?
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So very true. You are only responsible for your son and it just irks the mess out of him that you trust your son, obviously, more than he trusts his daughter.
On the other hand, I’m one of those moms that assumes the worst in terms of something horrible happening to my children when they are away from me, I don’t care who they’re with. So I can understand him being a little “frantic” but that’s still absolutely no reason to attack you for what you said. Even if you telling him they’ll eventually be home didn’t console him, what kind of example is HE setting by exploding like that?… and then continuing to call harass you. And finally, you acted more like a christian by saying to him what you did than anything else. You showed love towards him when you tried to comfort him that the kids were okay, you showed patience and kindness when you chose not to fight with him.
A loving, patient parent you are…