January 18, 2013
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How Much Say Should a Significant Other. . .
I was reading the pulse of Milfncookies and she asked “How much say should a significant other have in your appearance.”
She mentioned in her protected post that her boyfriend told her he didn’t want her to get any more tattoos and she had to basically pick between him and more tattoos. (I asked for her permission to repeat from her protected post).How much say should a significant other have in your appearance?
Comments (74)
None. Opinions are fine, but that isn’t what you are describing. And any significant other who says he will leave me because I get a tattoo is a loser.
If I were in her shoes, I’d tat it up. Ultimatums are more about manipulation than anything else.
Um NONE, i’m gonna be who i am! If you don’t like it then you can leave!
I don’t think it should be weirdly controlling, like with her bf. Or mean spirited. But I want my husband to be happy with my physical looks, too–so if he likes my hair longer, I probably won’t cut it super short because I want to make him happy. That sort of thing. If he forbade me from cutting my hair short, that’s a different matter altogether. I wouldn’t listen to that.
I’d kick him to the curb and do whatever the hell I want.
If a boyfriend/girlfriend: Little
If a fiancee: More
If a spouse: A lot
A lot of people will say none, but thats not honest. When a woman ask a man what he thinks about how she looks in anything, she is asking him to judge her. When a woman buys a man a dress shirt or suit or dresses him in any way, even through she is trying to make him look better or more professional, it is a judgement. First, I think I would ask him why he doesn’t want her to have more tattoos… maybe he loves her the way she is, the way her body is now, and feels more tattoos distort the beautiful perfection she is right now. Is that gross? Is that bossy? But maybe he cant express it in such words. The truth is there should be mutual judgement, or better, mutual communication, I think there should be a balance about the others opinions. But I dont think: NONE is a valid answer. I also dont think: ALWAYS or EVERYTHING is a valid one either.
Depends. would you like them to stay your significant other? restrictions are not something I would give, but I would definitely say what I would like about her appearance. I would recommend, but when it comes down to it, it’s her body. not mine.
depends on how significant they are. @Shadowrunner81 - has a pretty decent scale. but it goes pretty far beyond appearance. i would have to say that both parties should check their motives for what they’re wanting to do.
I know my significant other would disapprove of a tattoo of Rick Astley on my ass. That’s why I got a tattoo of Rick Astley on my arm instead.
@TiredSoVeryTired - +1
None and she should give a taste of his own medicine if he is going to be an ass like that.
If the two don’t discuss decisions that impact each other then they are fools.
A lot. almost total say. but its a say i gave him. A boyfriend on the other hand is not that significant so tell the boy to pound it
@Doubledb - I said none and explained it, and it is, indeed, a valid answer. Just because it isn’t your answer doesn’t mean everybody has to follow your view. What you describe is NOT the same thing as him saying he’d dump her over a tattoo. The question was not “how much of an opinion” it was “how much SAY.” Obviously that can’t be much of a relationship, and he’s a loser who she should dump. So it’s none.
None. My husband isn’t a fan of tattoos and other body modifications, but I’m going to get them anyway. I will listen to his thoughts, but he doesn’t get to say what I do and don’t do with my body.
It depends on what you want your relationship to look like. I’ve heard of pairings that alter their appearance for each other – that’s fine if it works for them and they’re happy. D/s couples I’ve talked to have one partner that conforms to basic appearance things their partner wants – which is fine if it works for them and they’re happy.
In my relationships, I may ask my partners’ opinions on changes before I make them, but it’s still my decision and I still do what I want. (And I think my partners value that I’m individualistic in that way, so it all works out.)
If my SO said something like that to me then i would see it as me being fenced in, I could never be with someone who fences me in. I do what want and I hope that my life partner will be someone who accepts that
I think a SO is entitled to opinions and judgements, of course, but without restricting the person that you are and your own creativity.
As much control as you are willing to give them.
some but it has to be mutual
@EmilyandAtticus - we actually know very little about what went on. Only she and him know. Dan is not a primary source, so I still say there may be more going on, but you are right, you can have your own opinion and so can I.
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@Doubledb - Thanks for letting me have my opinion. How generous!! The post was based on what he said, and I gave my opinion on it. I’m sorry if it bothers you that so many women don’t let men tell them how they have to look, but oh well.
Depends on if they want to get laid that night.
How much say? They can say all they want but the ultimate decision comes down to the person whose body it is. If she really wants a tattoo, she should get it. If she only kind of wants a tattoo, maybe she should take his thoughts into consideration, but she should do what *she* wants.
I think he sounds a bit controlling, so….
In that case… not much say at all.
I think…. douche bag….
It depends. If I married someone, I love them unconditionally HOWEVER if they wanted to get a massive tattoo on their face then we’d have a big problem.
I think the other should have exactly as much say as YOU want to give them, at each moment in time. No more – no less! It should be your own choice!
it doesn’t matter to me what they look but i would change everything about myself to please my boyfriend or whoever. i just want people to like me
I think with in reason. That’s not to say that the other person has totally control over the choices of the person but I do think it is the other person can express they’re opinion. However it is up to the person whether or not they do what the other person is asking of them.
If that’s her back, her boyfriend is an idiot because that looks classy as fuck.
Ideally, I like my significant other as is and they feel the same way about me, and how we change our appearance over time doesn’t change our feelings about one another.
A nil amount. Part of love is acceptance and, if your SO is uncomfortable with choices you’re making, they have a right to say. They don’t, however, have a right to do anything more than express an opinion. The end decision is yours because, at the end of the day and your life, it’s your body.
My husband likes the way I look no matter what I do. His attraction to me is so much deeper than the physical, the way he sees me is locked into place for good. (I know this because I have mirrors and what he says is not at all what I see.)
Little to none.
I’ll ask my SO’s opinion on what colour to dye my hair. Or wear an outfit I know he likes to a party. Beyond that, I don’t really care what he thinks. I’d like to him to think I look good, but my style and what I do with my body are MY decisions.
I don’t care what he wears. I don’t care about his stupid beard. I expect the same courtesy.
I think they have the right to say what they think but they also need to accept you for who you are as they is one of the reasons they are with you in the first place.
Ultimatums in relationships are not good for a stable relationship. And I don’t think they help in maintaining the relationship. I would hope that those in a relationship that both want to continue, would value what the other has to say about things that might unbalance that relationship. Does the bf in this story give a reason as why he does not want his gf to get more inking? And is that reason valid to both to maintain the relationship? He went in knowing she has tattoos.
I just don’t feel we have enough of the whole story to really make a valid decision. i do think if he uses this tactic about this, he will use it for others.
Yes it is her body. Yes SO’s have a say. But in the end, it is still her choice.
Personally, i feel there should be mutual respect and understanding. Giving ultimatums to a relationship is immature, it may be bout sth else next time. Why be in a toxic relationship filled with threats? I wonder the real reason behind the threats, if its done out of concern or out of pique.
Looks like many commenters here are going to end up old and alone.
Henna would be the middleground.
everyday I shower my hubby asks who I’m going to meet but do you think that stops me from showing this body? lol
my interpretation of having say is that a SO says something and that’s the final word on the subject. personally, I feel that’s a dick move. however, if a SO expresses displeasure with something, appearance wise or other, I think it should be taken into consideration. the main point of a relationship is to make your SO happy, while in turn receiving the same efforts to make you happy, so if something you’re doing or thinking about doing really makes the other person unhappy in some way, is it worth it? maybe see if a compromise can be reached instead of all the my way or the highway bullshit.
I wouldn’t know how to dress myself if it wasn’t for my wife… She also makes me cut my hair. It’s like this… she’s the one who has to look at me. It should be my pleasure to give her what she asks for.
If I don’t like tattoos on chicks why would I start dating a chick with tattoos?
I don’t know since I don’t have a girlfriend, never had one, etc
I think I be a little bit of concern about what she might say about these lumps I have, NF lumps (but need to keep an eye on these) and these cafe au lait marks.
I don’t mind if she has a tattoo, smokes, dyes her hair blue, green, purple whatever colour she wants,
one thing which will probably turn me off if having mouth, tongue piercing etc,
None.
Your spouse is a 50/50 partner if both consider each other partners for life. So they have a considerable say. This only is possible in a marriage gf/bf arrangement is not a secure relation its based on convenience so its not a relation in my opinion.
@ShimmerBodyCream - That night. There WILL be other nights, right?
Not much outside of an opinion. I definitely wouldn’t mind being asked for potential tat ideas.
@Doubledb - You’re single, then? When a woman asks a man how she looks, she definitely is not asking for a judgement. She’s asking for validation/compliment. If you don’t believe this is true, next time your woman asks you how she looks, tell her, “You look fat and old and that color makes you look like you have a liver disease.” She how that works out for ya.
@EmilyandAtticus - lol, are u kidding me? I never said that, omg.
@blonde_apocalypse - she may desire validation but she is asking for a judgement or assessment based on her look. Whether or not she wants a true answer or the question is only fishing for validation or a compliment is another issue. And yes, I know the culturally right answer, but cultural correctness and actual truth can be two different things entirely.
@my_final_username - I have NF. No guy has ever said anything about my lumps and spots beyond do they hurt.
They should talk it over and discuss WHY he doesn’t want her to get a tattoo. It IS her body, and she should have the ultimate say over it. But he is the one that will be looking at it. I agree with @Jenny_Wren – if my husband liked me with long hair, I would let it grow. However, if he wanted me to have bleached blonde hair with black roots, I’d draw the line. Likewise, if he wanted to get a big spider tattooed on his forehead, I would object. As I would if he wanted to get his nose pierced. But we would talk it over. I would never consider forbidding him from doing something cosmetic.
She has the ultimate say, but if the tattoos make her less attractive (to him) then at least he’s being upfront about it.
Bitches gotta learn to be submissive to there men again. Feminism has gone ruin the world. It’s why we got divorce and defective kids who are on all kinds of drugs and tv babysitters.
Back in the day when bitches be submissive the world was good. They all trying to be indpendent and not take anything from a man. But they wrong. I see these bitches all up in these comments like ‘he all wrong and I ain’t taking nothing from a man.” And she all be a bitch.
You gotta treat bitches like children sometimes. Unless you reel them in they’ll go all girls gone wild sleeping with every man and getting all tatted up. Cause they too stupid and fall for mens charms. They out wearing there skanky shit. So you gotta keep ‘em close and not let ‘em outta the house.
A bitch gettin a tat without her mans wishes is a bitch be gone. Needs a smack. Simple as that
I take my boyfriends feelings into consideration when I make decisions but ultimately I would be angry if I was like “I really really want to do this thing” and he said “I’m going to be angry if you do this.” I mean, would he be angry if I decided to gauge my ears out and cut all my hair off and get a giant star tattooed on my face? He’d probably be concerned because that’s not representative of my image and who I am nor is it anything like the person he is dating. If I wanted to experiment with tats, a new hair color, a piercing, and it was something that was already reflective of who I am as a person (not a radical change) I doubt there’d even be a conversation. Hopefully that made sense.
@Erika_Steele - If I do met someone I would be very honest with her, what these NF (Neurofibromatosis) lumps, marks etc are. I am sure I have met people who have got NF. Painful for me, just one or two can be quite annoying where there are. I just have to accept it that is something I was born with, I don’t blame my mum because she has it as well and doing well.
At secondary school nobody question what these marks were, probably because I was very quick getting changed in PE.
If you’re married, a lot. If not, much less.
When I was engaged, my then-fiance/now-husband expressed his preference that I stop coloring my hair. I wasn’t overwhelmingly gray in those days and still looked young, and dying it was a pain (even though it was mostly for kicks), so I thought, eh, okay. About five years ago I decided it was way past time to start dying it again. I don’t remember asking my husband’s opinion, but I might have. Needless to say, at this point he was much less devoted to the natural look. (Also, you know, we’d been married 10 years and it was about time for him to pretend I was someone else.)
Hair grows out, of course. I wouldn’t dream of doing something like a tattoo without my husband’s blessing. But then, I wouldn’t dream of getting a tattoo in the first place (no offense to them, just not my thing), so who cares what I think?
The importance they place on their preferences in your appearance in relation to how much you are willing to compromise to please them.
None.
Exceptions are unless if you’re really unkempt.
I don’t know what you’ll get from this.. but I have a feeling if my man were praised by at least two female co-workers for growing his mustache out, he would, and disregard my disapproval.
Kinda sounds like she’s being backed into a corner here. If someone is willing to leave me over a tattoo, they obviously don’t value me enough to be in a relationship with me.
Respectively giving an opinion to others, can go a long way towards a satisfying relationship. Ultimatums is about power.
Well, I it depends on how much you value how much that person is going to find you attractive. Tattoos specifically are a huge turn off for my husband, and extremely short hair on a guy is not something I value. He might get a little lonely with a really short cut bc I don’t want to look at it. If she does get one, she can’t be mad if he decides she doesn’t look as good with it.
Very Slim.
I do what i want with my body, i have no restrictions.
I think significant others should want you to be who you are… and essentially love you as you are even as you change…
Hubby doesn’t find tattoos attractive, but I know he understands how much I love them and has made a point to encourage me to get the ones I want. It took a while though…
I’d have to admit, if Johnny were trying to dress all weird on me suddenly, I’d probably say something… or if he wasn’t keeping up his appearance or taking care of himself. I’m not saying if he put on a few pounds, cause I actually like men hefty… Overall, I know he wants to look attractive to me and I to him… so we consider what the other likes and dislikes heavily.
I think they ought to have some say. As some echoed, more so if they are a spouse as opposed to a boyfriend.
the key is… compromise. without it, relationships won’t work. with or without the tattoos. and every couple is different.
none. there are more things to love about a person besides the physical. anyone who honestly loves someone won’t care.
I can’t wait to get fat
I dont think anyone else has a right to say what you can or cannot get on your body, and if they say they are going to leave if you get another tat then say good bye.
Well, it depends. For example, I ask my boyfriend for his opinion quite often on what he thinks looks good on me, because he can provide me with a (hopefully) more honest viewpoint than my own eyes. But you should never dictate what your SO can or can’t wear, pierce, tattoo, etc. or give them an ultimatum..
My boyfriend actually kind of irritates me sometimes because he’ll cut his hair and then say to people, “I thought she would dump me after I cut it!” I’m like ok, first off, that makes me sound wicked shallow.. like I was in the background going, “Oh, please don’t cut it! I don’t know how I feel about that…” or something, when in reality I believe my exact words were, “I don’t give a shit. It’s your hair, it’s not like you’re going to suddenly become a different person just because you cut it.” Ultimately, if they love you, they’ll love everything about you.