April 15, 2009
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My First Oral Sex Experience
I wanted to share the story of the first time I had oral sex. (This is from a protected post).
I wanted to title the story “Two dumb questions and two dumb statements” I waited until marriage to have sex if you let me use the Bill Clinton definition of sex.
Here is the story:
I was about 16-17. I was just friends with the girl and had never thought about dating her. We would just hang out together. So one day she was over at my house and we were just sitting on the couch talking. She asked me out of the blue if I wanted her to perform oral sex on me. I was actually kind of surprised and I remember the only word I could push out was “yes.” She told me she wanted to see what facial expressions I made while she was doing it.
I didn’t move my body even an inch. I remember thinking to myself, “Don’t say anything or do anything to mess this moment up.” So she undid my pants and pulled my pants and underwear down and she began to perform oral sex on me.
The funny thing is my first oral sex experience was the best oral sex experience I would have for years. I was surprised at how good it felt. I remember thinking “She must do this a lot.” She was really kind of passionate about it.
Then she came up and asked me if I wanted to orgasm. (That is the second stupid question. The first one was did I want her to perform oral sex). I said “yes” and she went back down and finished me off.
After she was done, I looked at her and made my two stupid comments. I told her that she could make good money doing this. I wasn’t thinking at the time but I had just had oral sex and my immediate thought was if other people knew about this they would pay to get it. I didn’t think of how that would make her feel. Then I made my second stupid comment, “I said if all the guys at school knew you could do this you would be super popular.”
The girl gave me oral sex and I basically suggested she become a prostitute and I would ruin her reputation.
Comments (272)
HA! Smooth.
lol. I remember this one. BTW I think this counts as premarital sex. At least it was the way I was taught. Pretty bold putting this one on the public site…
Oh man.. lol… “Two dumb questions and two dumb statements” would’ve been perfect for the title!
Haha, awesome experience though!
Niice.
haha
i’m sure she was flattered.
Was her name Monica?
Wow.
What are you up to now mad scientist?
Have you ever apologized to her for those statements? I’d hate to think she took your advice!
hahahaha OH DAN!!!!!! her last name didn’t happen to be lewinski was it?
GJ n00b
i’m having trouble commenting on this one…
so..
i’ll let everyone else say it..
@saintvi - LMBO
LOL. That is high-larry-us.
Wow, Dan. Wow.
Ooh……… ouch.
LMAO! You sir, are the smoothest person I’ve met…..Ever…..
@ShamelesslyRed - ::pats on shoulder:: is okay, is be okay. . .
I saw the title to this on my private page and thought “oh no! he did not post that!!” *shaking head*.
nice! lmao.
at least you enjoyed it!!
Hahaha. Very nice.
rofl that sounds like something a pimp would say
So funny. I love your more personal post. You always have a good story to tell.
HAHAHA oh dan. what a foolish young boy you were.
Just wait until unworthofhisgrace hears about this one!
LMAO! Only you Dan… only you
Sounds like the sentiments I get from my husband… : )
That was pretty brave Dan… posting this, that is. I’m starting to look at you a little different.
Well… um… I’d definitely say that was pretty dumb. Not just because of the statements after, but because you actually said “yes”. Do you realize you could have gotten girl-cooties?! I mean, if it was your wife that would be one thing but….
Sigh. Guess I don’t have to tell you though- you are TheologianCafe after all.
Great story, Dan!
LOL…… you are a very brave man…
lol!
you were so smooth.
…wow.
just wow.
I am speechless.
Okay, I got nothing. I’ll just leave one of those “ModernBunny was here”-type comments.
hahahahahahahah, nice
Smooth, Ex-Lax.
Lulz. How tasteful.
Well, at least you scored…Like, you didn’t make the stupid comments beforehand.
@saintvi - Lmfao.
How bold!
so how much did you have to pay?
smooth.
Nice job with that! lol
I remember this from protected a long time ago. The next two questions are: how long did it take you to see the error of your ways? and did you ever apologize to her? Bonus question: how did your friendship go after that?
that. is. amazing
Oh. My. I am speechless.
Oh my god
Honesty is the best policy.
I can so respect that.
I like how you summed up your entire experience LOL
hahahah! totally made my day
Haha love it
lmaoo
– goodness gracious!
Smooth move ex-lax… That’s so 80′s of me…
haha, great story!
Hahaha that’s awesome.
so how did she respond? now that’s what I want to know!
Don’t you wish you could grab words and shove them back in your mouth sometimes?
You know, you might have only 9,000 subscribers after this post.
ROFLMAO. Oh man..
omg!! good story? haha i dont knwo what to say lol
You got rid of you ads.
Was the second “yes” in a tremulous sort of voice?
I’m assuming your pillow talk improved from that point on! LOL
Kathi
Nice guy.
Reminds me of the “what was your worst BJ like?” question……
To which there is only one answer: Wonderful
YOU ARE THE MAN. And I hope she turned out okay. Hahaha.
I’m assuming that friendship didn’t last very long?
you’re so flattering.
Hahahahahahahaha.
That is probably one of the funniest things ever.
Hahahahahaha.
that is hilarious!
lmao. That’s a great story.
This was a little too much for me since I don’t believe in premarital sex at all.
whoa dan…
I actually laughed out loud! Loved the last line.
me and my husband are laughing hysterically at this post lol we also think you should keep posting little gems such as this.
oh my gosh Dan, you were super horrible, even if by accident.
I gather you never got another one off her after those comments lol
At least you ruined afterward?
Haha, and I wonder if she ever came back to give you more after what you’ve said
@beetunes - I know if someone told me I’d be a good prostitute, I’d just be thrilled. =P
But no really, I would.
This is probably the most entertaining thing I’ve heard in a while. Pretty priceless
Ouch. What a terrible thing to say. Although I must admit, I laughed.
this is possibly the greatest thing you’ve ever posted
Did you see her again?
Nice post Dan. That is what happens when blood is diverted away from the brain. And what was her response?
lol
did u 2 remain as frds after that?
Missed you Dan!
haha. some of the comments here are funny.
I just wanna know.
did she REALLY say: “Do you wanna orgasm?”
Lol
Ruin her rep? Hmmm… I’m pretty sure nowadays, girls who do those things, are labeled as a much harsher word than “prostitute”… For even minor flirting girls are called “whores” -_- kids. Funny post
Cut yourself some slack. You were a hormonal teenage boy!
Niiiiiiiiiiice.
Thanks for the share…
WOW.
and that was pretty dumb.
I now know the answer to the eternal question:
“what are friends for?”
I don’t care if its rhetorical.
was she still friends with you after the “two dumb statements?”
LOL XD
Front page please.
Hope that you apologized after you realized what you said…That could have gotten really painful on your part….lol
Wow…i guess the blood hadn’t yet returned to your brain before you spoke! Thats hilarious, though!
Boys, boys, boys…will they never get it?
hahaha…nice! and brave to post.
HAHAHAHAHA. That was awesome!
LOL.
That is crazy. I am always surprised by human behaviour because I would have never done what that girl did, especially at her age. I guess you were just being…honest =)
double fail
wow…i see you in a new light…
TMI, Dan.
smoootthhhh
*bursts out laughing* That’s…incredibly bold of you to put that up on here. I do hope you apologized to that girl. Did she ever give you another round? How was the relationship after that experience? Did you ever return the favor?
I met my first wife in a H.S. writing class, when she asked me if I believed in oral sex. I did then, and I still do, by golly.
Oh dan, that has to be the best retelling of a mortifying teenage experience ever.
no tip? aww
Lol
Wow.
That’s really funny.
LOL. awesome. haha
Wow. DMV style.
LOL.
What happened to her now I wonder.
Hahaha! That went over well, I’m sure!
Haha, at least it was good. :]
how did she respond to your suggestions???
oh and you’re still a virgin as far as bill is concerned
hahaha! cringe time!
So what’s your question?
lololololol
dang you are a pimp. i bet she ran away!
dont feel to bad. the first time i went down on a girl i got my gum stuck in her landing patch! no bullshit.
Wow.
hahahahahahaha Thanks this just made my day
What does oral sex technically mean?
Coors light, always smooth, even when your not.
I wonder if Bill has thought about putting out his own dictionary? It’s ok, you were young, & obviously thinking with your small head.
smooth
OK, maybe I need to dig into ‘ol Webster’s as to the meaning of theologian.
Your comments really were stupid…
Nothing like a good blow job to bring on that dazed stupidity .
smooth.
Hahahaha, nice.
Nice comments Dan, you know just what a girl wants to hear, haha.
LMAO… omg, I cant believe you said that to her… did you guys stayed friends afterwards??
LMAO!! GG!
Well this certainly had me laughing!
Haha. That was kind of a nasty comment to make after getting the job done. And what’s up with real blogs? Haha.
LOL, how brilliant.
I wouldn’t've taken it offensively, haha.
Oh ya, perfect things to say, lol
Whoa… I’d have bitten for a comment like that, haha.
@the_best_stuff - LOL!!!
Ah, Dan…completely understandable…when the blood leaves your brain, we expect silly comments…
*grins*
Don’t try this while you’re driving. It’s hard to keep your vehicle at a constant speed, then there’s the drifting back and forth in different lanes, the truckers going past blowing their horns waving at you like mad, all sorts of hazards. Bobbers are dangerous when you’re on the highway.
Lmao. Amazing.
lmao. well i guess the two stupid comments make up for her two stupid questions,so they kinda cancel each other out like it didn’t even happen.
hahaha!..what a funny post u got dr..☺
ho-ho! Premarital fornication is a hoot! Sin and shame and wickedness is always good fer a few laffs!
Just gotta love how teenagers think… if you call that thinking. More of a just blurt out the first thing that comes to your head. Hahah.
I remember this post! It made me giggle.
Still does.
*LMAO* Aah, typical young guy not knowing what to say!
我都23啦!还没碰过女孩的手呢!
两个人的世界对于我而言是奢侈的!
我真的很希望自己有个女朋友,即使她并非是优秀的!
o(≧v≦)o
I keep forgetting the title of your blog. I think there may be theology in it, and I’m wondering, Dan…
Why isn’t this titled: “Dear Penthouse Forum”. Otherwise, I am waiting for Paul Harvey to finish with, “and that little girl, that liked to drink from a mule grew up to be Monica Lewinski. And now, you know the rest of the story”
Hahaha, that’s how you do it! =P
hahahahqhahhahahaha i still do that today.
Nice!
LOL well what a compliment, and random thing for her to do to you.
she was probably hoping you would reciprocate. haha
I think that’s a pretty typical reaction.
I think it’s funny how people are complaining because it’s a post about premarital sex and his blog name has ‘theologian’ in it. It’s funny, because theologians aren’t perfect people, they all have things they might be ashamed of, they aren’t the freaking Pope or Mother Theresa. Hell, I’m a “theologian” (whatever the hell that means), and I use vulgarities and I look like a homeless man. I think its brave of Dan to post this, knowing full well that some people will give him major shit for it. It’s a story, not condoning or condemning something. Just a story, guys.
And a hilarious story, at that! Nice job, Dan.
LOL! What happened next? What does it feel like for a guy?
There’s my two stupid questions. =P
You seriously don’t have to answer the second one, by the way.
WOW! i loved this story. it gave me a good laugh
haha what a post-bj conversation
It could have been worse. You could have said “No one would pay you to do that” I mean, that does fall under the “worse” category, right?
Goodness Dan!
Haha, my first time I thanked her, which felt awkward for some reason.
Wow
Thats a “Oops” moment! haha!
Wow. I take it she didn’t talk to you afterwards?! I know I wouldn’t! I probably would have smacked you right where I was just at! haha!
Haha!! Damn…
this is like the best story ive read today total fmylife material.
I’m sure she came back for more.
Awesome! Good job!
Did you get a slap in the face?
Haha.
LOL.
Perhaps all of the other guys did know…
Great story!
Speechless….utterly speechless…
hooooe (hoe) yous a hooooe (hoe) you’s a hoe, i said that you’s a hoe (hoe) hahahahahaa
If you made up that story it’s okay, if it is true one then it’s shame to you because real man will never reveal it.
Oh, boys.
I saw that girl on the street corner the other day. Apparently, she took your advice. Hahaha, this is hilarious, but as long as it was good, I think you’re fine.
Lucky bastard… I have yet to come across a girl that is good at BJ’s
haha, sucker.
I was expecting it to be more along the lines of “she bit my dick and I elbowed her in the eye”….
By far, one of the funniest things I have read in a looooong time.
Wow, I can see why you originally put this post on protected. If it was me I would never share something like this public on my blog. It’s very brave and honest of you. I admired that.
HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
That is just too good.
I thought you dated almost every girl you knew? And you hadn’t even considered this friend of yours? Bet you realized that was a mistake…
Mwahahaha! That is hilarious!
Niiice job
wow, what a story to tell your poker club, hahahah
OMG Did she EVER talk to you again?! I can’t imagine she did… much less give you oral sex again. oy…
LMFAO thats the funniest thing ive ever heard.
I think I know this woman.
haha this is pretty good, although I think I’ve heard some others that would definitely rival it. =]
Ahahahaha. Oh well =p
Wow. Poor girl.
i think i would’ve laughed. . .then i would’ve realized you were serious.
Dan, what if a child performs oral sex because you presented it as an ok to do when you are a minor?
Xanga should ban you. I hope this is not featured…
ahahaha lovely!
ROFL wow… just wow
This is hilarious!
Were you friends after that?
LOL. I have no idea how to comment on this but I hope you did say or do something to make her feel better and not cheap.
If I wasn’t disgusted enough with you before to run fast and far from your blog, I definitely am now. Way TMI for someone I already had no respect for (and thought I’d left behind with an unsubscribe a long time ago). Yuck.
That was the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Thanks I needed to laugh.
That’s pretty great hahah.
Though, I wonder what kind of girl that is. I can not IMAGINE myself just casually asking one of my guy friends if he wanted oral sex. xD
Did you have any future relations with the girl?
i laughed out loud
dan, i like it better when you write personal experiences rather than general thoughts.
You were so charming! lol
At leasdt you didn’t throw salt on the wound and give her money for doing it.
Well, that’s inappropriate.
It’s kinda random. What kind of a girl would just ask you that out of the blue?
Smooooth. Well if she is just randomly giving guy friends oral sex maybe she deserved any reputation she got. XD
LMAO…This is hilarious! Unfortunately, you probably traumatized the girl throughout her college years. Now, that she has found the love of her life she gives oral hesitantly….kidding!
roflz..this was funny as fuck
hahahaha well… after orgasms we’re all not exactly the wittiest….
Hahaha!
lmfao this was great
I hope you married this girl. Cause jesus, that’s rough. At the same time, nice.
Too good! Helluva lot better than the weak FML kind of nonsense.
hehehee
love it!
classic after sex comments dan. super classic…
0_0 ….. I really hope she didnt take that to heart…and I REALLY hope you didnt tell other guys like that!
And to think that you probably could have gotten more from her if you would have asked if you could return the favor.
Did she stop being friends with you after this?
Hahahahahah. Nice.
And what was her response to that?
LOL at her stupid questions & your stupid comments
That’s hysterical dude!
The intensity of sexual experience is a great bonding agent, and really best in a meaningful relationship. I feel sorry for her. Obviously, she connected her value with performing for others rather than understanding her value. I hope she didn’t take you up on your suggestions. But you were young, and surprised. If only we could teach young people about the preciousness of their love. These first experiences are imprinted onto us; actually it is NOT surprising this was the best.
and where is she now?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. that cheered up an otherwise grey and boring day. Tanks.
Hahaha. (Wipes tears).
Oh, my. I would love to know what her reaction was. “Thanks?”
LOL… nice. reeeeeeeeal epic.
i’ve heard this story…but what i’m really appalled at is this:
when you made a post about oral sex between friends people FREAKED because it was so awful, ungodly, immoral, disgusting, etc.
but when it’s you: just hilarious, no problem.
you’re like a god or something. haha.
Great Blog. Wow you got a lot of comments on this one.
All of this commentary reflects the age. lol.
I actually giggled aloud. Thanks for being embarrassing so we can feel a little cooler. (You’re still cool too)
lolololol
i really LOL’ed at this xD
I miss your old format, Dan.
Dan,…. that was just creepy!
Sexy story
I am laughing out loud.
and she probably had already done it with a bunch of guys.
<3
@cheesebadger - Word, yo.
Dan the power man. Very nice to know. Keep it up is all I can say.
Dan is she one of your subscribers?
I guess you should just be glad you were thinking clearly enough to hold off on the stupid questions until afterwords.
o.o
wow. i woulda hit you
Still as funny as the first time I read it.
I was shot in the eye during my first experience. It stung.
Teenage boys are awkward. It’s funny. =D
wow. and how did she react to that….
Whoa. Gee, thanks for sharing your intimate memory. First of all, I must say that you were a player or she was a loose girl. I don’t know whether to call you luck or what. You should be more careful next time because there are a lot of STDs floating around this world. I think you were probably to shocked to think clearly, so I don’t mind your comments. I personally think she had a real thing for you. This reminds me of the movie Secret Admirer from the 80s, except for the part where you got oral intercourse. Golly.
@barbbbb - Are you a virgin? Because I only sleep with virgins.
@BenjiRucas - Um, wow, what? That was fucked up and random.
@barbbbb - ok? So how’s your ass then?
lol nvm, i just reliezed who this is. ha.
@BenjiRucas - lol nvm, i just reliezed who this is. ha.
Now, why do I have a feeling that this post has comething to do with what will happen at Houston’s Xanga meet?
Well, all I can say that these remarks are pretty expected because you were a n00b!
Great job there my friend. I’m sure you were batting 1000 that day… not!
damn…. that was …. for my virgin eyes
i now, have no respect for you, for sharing this—why would you think we needed to know this—comment chaser
wow…that was an interesting experience
lol..
HA. wow
Not sure if I’m more surprised at the comments or the girl haha
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